24th May

enough is enough. the blog has moved. officially. no more waiting for june. I'll settle the april archive as soon as possible. this is killing me. so tired. and sleepy. it's been math math and more math and there doesn't seem to be anyone I want to talk to online anyway. sigh. anyway please remember it's at http://www.geocities.com/kamui_naomi/blog.html. yeah just know it.

the fairytale was a last paradise22:44 PM

23rd May

I realised I've lost the thing for blogging. why? because it's given me so much problem. but the thing is I like to have one. but I'm so tired. so perhaps the number of blog entries shall decrease significantly. anyway from June onwards there will be no more posts through blogger. I'm tired of having my layout pictures disappearing. enough. absolutely. so in order to play safe, everything shall go onto my personal space at geocities. I don't have the money for my own server--in fact it's real lame to have one all to myself just for my layout and pictures. and perhaps my websites. but honestly no. no own server. it will save me a lot of trouble but it won't save my any money. so no go.

gosh school sucks. it's already the end of week 9 and next week is the last week of school. I can't believe it. it's too fast. way too fast for me to handle. it's frightening in fact. I suddenly realise with a start that my GP exam is in like 7 days time and that the june holidays will fly like nobody's business and then the mid years will come and then I have to get my written report drafts in soon and after that soiree will be over and then promos will come followed by PW OP and finally the year will be over. or will it? no. it will be time to start for a level. and next year will go faster. shoot.

and school is so tiring. I suddenly realised why I miss secondary school so much the other day. I finally realised why. it's simpler than I thought. secondary school life wasn't just easier, it was easier to bear. it was actually pretty fun going to school then you know. I would rant about dir en grey to yifang, irritate the hell out of may, laugh in the lab with biying, crap with adibah and yafen, go for recess with mel and shiqing and gang, then come back and disgust kia yun with the latest jrock disasters. how fun. even band was made more bearable. crapping with vicky and carissa and shiqi, going home with adibah and yafen, laughing and scolding the periodic table, joking with chia min and lots and lots more. sigh. what's wrong now. everything. and I don't have a maria. hahhhaha. so lame.

there's a reason why I love avril. there's a reason why I love mae. there's a reason why I run to get to el on time. there's a reason why I always want to run into lyn at the bus stop or jae on the bus. there's a reason. because only the el pple make life more bearable. and the year 2s have stepped down. that kinda leaves me with only peeps like maryl mae and jashan. sigh. double sigh. it's just not right. the society, the people, not right. look at my classmates. I don't hate them. I just don't get along with them the same way I get along with the el pple or my secondary school friends. it's so sad.

you know that time I called avril at night since eewei was still in hospital...then she asked me isn't there like any soul in my class that I could call to crap to at this hour. and I thought, not very hard, NO. there isn't anybody. none. I suddenly realise the extent of it. none. I live off the phone. nobody to call? you know I was so glad that there's avril online all the time and mae who's willing to stick with me to talk to me even on the phone at night. and now I realise that I've gone through a real tough half a year. real rough.

avril you want to know why I keep listening to numb? you want to know what it really means to me? I shall put it here first and you will understand.

Numb ~linkin park~

I'm tired of being what you want me to be      
feeling so faithless lost under the surface 
I don't know what you're expecting of me 
put under the pressure of walking in your shoes 

can't you see that you're smothering me 
holding too tightly afraid to lose control 
cause everything that you thought I would be 
has fallen apart right in front of you

[caught in the undertow / just caught in the undertow] 
every step that I take is another mistake to you 
[caught in the undertow / just caught in the undertow] 
and every second I waste is more than I can take 

And I know 
I may end up failing too 
But I know 
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you

I've become so numb 
I can't feel you there 
become so tired 
so much more aware 
I'm becoming this 
all I want to do 
is be more like me and be less like you 

I've become so numb 
I can't feel you there 
Is everything what you want me to be     
 I've become so numb 
I can't feel you there 
Is everything what you want me to be 
--------------------------------------------- 

who's the you and who's the me? they're both me. just me. the real me versus the external me. you know during sports day mae and I went to toilet. then when we were walking back to accompany avril she asked me
something I never realised. yeah today is a day of lots of realisation. I realised. anyway, she asked me this simple question. do you feel like yourself when you're with avril? I looked at her.and I said yes. gosh. it's been so long. so numb. everything that I wanted to be. it can't sustain. it's breaking out. so numb...so stuck. and I've realised that being me doesn't work in this world. at least not in the world of a102. are we really in a league of our own avril? mae and I observed lots of the el peeps don't really have like gigantic social
circles despite their high profile and likeable personalities. are we such outcasts? do we find such few friends whom we truly love? or are we all external shells?

can't you see that you're smothering me? yeah I see it now. holding too tightly, afraid to lose control...it's so hard. angela you're so right. I depend so much on friends. and it's so devastating when I don't find them. and even though I've found them now, they are so faraway... cause everything that you thought I would be, has fallen apart right in front of you...I'm really stuck, caught in the undertow, walking around as someone I'm not. I thought I got rid of my external shell habit. I broke out of it some time ago...too long ago. now I'm slipping back. the culture is wrong. and I think it's wrong for me to adapt directly to it. it's just making me seem like such a pathetic blade of grass, bending where the wind blows. lousy idiot. I won't be one. I won't.

can I break the shell? I don't know. there's a reason why I love avril. because she can stay herself no matter who is around. not like me, the universal indicator. hahah. universal indicator. never thought that I was really like that. so many colours. haha. there's a reason why I love mae. because she understands what I talk about and helps me realise so many things.

thanks God. really.
I don't know how to make life more bearable without them. it's been a real bad 5 months. it's gonna get worse next year. I don't know. save me. or perhaps it's time I decide to not worry. be lonely loh. but it's so sad...like cain without lief. he was like without limbs. I seem to love more people than people love me. but that maybe just me. just me. forget it. no point thinking so much about it. blogs are good. really. look at how much I've ranted today. it's like making up for all the days that I didn't blog at all. I'll end here.

--but I know, you were just like me with someone disappointed in you...--
the fairytale was a last paradise3:56 PM

16th May
it's been 10 days. 10 long days. I'm tired of blogger. no it's not that I hate the system, but it's just that it's no longer really possible to link directly for free to anyplace to host my pictures, so this blog is MOVING. all my friends please change your bookmarks and links and what ever. everything is now as original complete with templates and in fact the correct templates (coz the kaoru one NEVER came out) and it is all available at
http://www.geocities.com/kamui_naomi/blog.html. I'm hosting everything at geocities so there will be no more broken links and strange pictures and such. the advert is the biggest irritant but it's not a problem. so there. thanks.
the fairytale was a last paradise11:51 PM

7th May

okay time to continue what I meant to say like...2 days ago. gosh. so long already. right. about the mike right? yes. he did the same thing in rettou gekishin as well!! so exciting. I sang along too! so stupid right.
sit in front of a silly computer and watch kyo and still sing too. guess I'm just as possessed as the stupid fans who were there. okay not stupid fans. because I'm one too. hahahahha.... ooooh....I just love that concert. yeah I know it's five days running and I still haven't finished downloading yet but I really love to watch it...one day must find some time to watch it all at one shot. then I'll need a lot of tissue. yeah to stop nosebleeding. yeah I know... oh damn damn damn angelfire doesn't host free images anymore!!!! *moan* that means that all my archive pictures are all gone...so sad! oh my! and that means it's the super search for new places all over again. so sickening. no more mood to do this. because the idiot who pisses me off everyday just
walked past. bye.
the fairytale was a last paradise10:58 AM

5th May

yes I'm blabbering in the library again. damn dr S didn't come. so sad. first I slogged my literature assignment like a nutcase for like nothing, or rather, when I actually had more time, then because of that I skipped my recess and now I'm thinking what about eldds. if it's him in charge totally again, I'm gonna puke real real soon. anyway, since I couldn't talk too much about it the last entry as a respect to dearest hide, I've come up with the new july layout concept! oh yay! yuting will kill me for doing this but oh yeah baby it's KYO sama! oh yeah. and I love him so much. gosh I was watching my blitz 5 days (yeah AgAiN) and oh my he sings gyakujoutannou keloid milk and it's oh so lovely! I love that song so much. and he did it again. he gave the mike to the audience and..... I'll continue later. go eat!
the fairytale was a last paradise10:10 AM

2nd May

today marks the 6th death anniversary of hide
and I'll just like to put one of his songs down here as a memory of him.

Tell Me (English Translation)
music & words by hide
Even if I can expose myself to the brilliant winds,
They won't vanish; I look at me
I approach walking without showing my agitation
My sculpted silhouette floats
My body dances in hallucinations
With my heart, it is the pantomime of my thought's back
I've closed again the injuries which started to half-open
To continue to be myself

Tell me, somebody tell me, please tell me
Even an unhearing word
Tell me, somebody tell me, please tell me
Your voice can't reach me yet

Even if I'm looking for a distorted love
I won't have any answer, I'm only eager about what's nonsense
My own voice spreads
Until I am ash, I won't heard it

Tell me, somebody tell me, please tell me
Who closes my eyes ?
Tell me, somebody tell me, please tell me
Do I see you through my eyes ?

Tell me, somebody tell me, please tell me
Can I see myself in you ?
Tell me, somebody tell me, please tell me
I can't even see myself in me
Tell me, somebody tell me, please tell me
Even an unhearing word
Tell me, somebody tell me, please tell me
I can't heard yet your song

Singin' my song for me
Singin' your song for you
Singin' my song for me
Singin' your song for you

it's such a waste really. hide was really good. so just end here,
in memory of hide, this new layout of kiyoharu for the month of may.
the fairytale was a last paradise11:08 PM