August 2004

actually as I type this it's already 29th august, because it's so late. what happened today. went to orchard, and realised that I went too early. we were supposed to meet at 1430, not 1330. so I stupidly went at that time, but obviously late as usual, and I thought that they had left without me. actually they were due so much later.

I am in a completely good mood to blog. and today's entry will be very artistic sounding. or perhaps more philosophical sounding. you know I never had to give two shits about guys. in fact it seems that I don't give enough shit about them that wee khee actually turned to me one day and asked me if I liked any guys. I was like yeah....why? and wee khee was like oh well I know some girls from girls school who are anti-guys. ah I used to be it's true...but then again, when you're young, guys really stink. little girls are nightmarish to little boys too. so ah whatever.

darling I know you're reading this so just want to tell you please don't sigh anymore and don't have such a headache over something like that. I know it's no good to just try any relationship like it's a chocolate sample in orchard road, but sometimes it's good to just try. today's thinking day huh. today's nearly over my dear. I don't know what your final decision will be but as your buddy, don't do something you'll regret. I know it's sounds like bloody cliche but it's true. if you want to try, you want to see if it turns out okay, want to see if he's really what you want, go. but if you're too scared and unsure, don't. I know I'm not the right person to say all this crap but this is what I think okay. it's true I will never understand how you feel unless one day I land in your shoes. and honestly I hope it won't happen. but your buddy hopes real hard that you think well and through. isn't it lovely to know that the one you like likes you back? it's not tv drama here you know. there's no script, no NGs, no turning back. either go or don't go. it may turn out badly, I mean life isn't a bed of roses and not all relationships have a good result, but I don't think it's a bad idea to try.

I shall not say anymore. she shall make her own decisions. even though she's the last one I thought that would face such a problem, good luck buddy.

why can't we turn back time
why can't we live a life without regret
why
I hate that question
it's okay if it can be answered
but life's hard questions cannot
time numbs
what rubbish
I'm sorry darling
it doesn't work
not all the time
the hurt remains, the truth remains
never once we come out unscathed
broken
that's what we all are
or perhaps you aren't
I am
when tears become your only solace
you know you've broken
let's do this one more time
why are we broken
something I can answer now
we break because we have refused to before
when the shell becomes hard
when your mind dulls
when you refuse the see the world
to let the people who care
the people you love
the ones who love you too
understand
realise
see
that actually the stabs and cuts inside
are your own fault
the truth you took all by yourself
thinking you were strong
the friend you decided not to say hi to
the friend you did say hi to
the choice that you decided no
the choice you decided yes
the silly things you do
that you have kept away from the world
the feelings you suppress
the facade
the mask
it
will
fade
there will come a time when the mask cracks
falls to the floor
and smashes into pieces
there will come a time when the inner self shakes
shambles and shivers
and finally comes out in torrents or teardrops
there will come such a time
dangerous isn't it
to wait for this time to come
after the regrets, the hurt, the suppression and the determination
it falls to pieces
and what are you going to do
what are you going to do when the world falls apart
what are you going to do when your dreams shatter
and nothing works the way you wanted it to be
when nothing turns out what you wanted
when nothing
nothing
NOTHING
was anything you expected
what will you do
cry
pray
try to hold up your facade
or carry on breaking
breaking and breaking
cracking and allow the mask to disintergrate
force the outer self to stay behind
will you
do that
will you
will you
honestly
if you want to know
I wouldn't
it's too hard
and I know that
then why do I write this
you might ask
honestly once more
I don't know
I don't want people to become like me
I want people to know how it happens
what happens when you take the pain alone
when you use everything to hide the tears
the blood
the scars
I don't want people to end up like this
it hurts
really
it doesn't take anything dramatic
or tragic or sad to happen
it doesn't take someone who's from broken homes
or suffered abuse
or has a criminal record
or an attitude problem 
to face this
it doesn't
don't
be
like
me
it doesn't pay
why
don't ask
I'll hate you
why
DON'T ASK

I am very lazy to blog today. but I'm still going to anyway, since I've missed 3 days already. and now eewei is supposed to read my blog daily. heh. so I must talk about her every single entry. all the bad stuff. hahahaha just kidding. I suddenly don't feel like typing about avril today. every entry has her name. don't feel like typing about her also makes her name appear in this entry. it's just like that time 5566 didn't want to publicise their latest album. the fact the they didn't want to do so became news in itself. so dumb right. I'm feeling so tired. a little drained. in fact I was like damn because I was failing stuff again. then today and yesterday feel better already. I passed that awful chinese test and I passed all my econs stuffs! so far lah...

chinese test. mae failed it so miserably. and then I asked her eh guess who scored highest in my class. she was like huh who? you meh? haha....I was like haha it's delon. 66.5 man. and mine was what, 55.5. so pissed. it's like 11 marks difference. ah my chinese is beginning to suck. really bad. all crystal's fault. I'm so sure. hahaha...mae was so pissed too. she was like DONATE TO ME!! even stinky cheese man couldn't believe it. he was so reluctant to tell him those marks. I am so sure stinky cheese man is so annoyed that he speaks rubbish in class and is such a bo chap idiot and can still score higher than his usual best student. ah...whatever.

crystal was stoning behind him during lit today. I felt like moving into the seat next to hers but that would have been so damn obvious. hehe. crys was stoning so badly (and trying not to look at wee liang tong) that she realised that he dyed his hair...but his white hair case isn't that bad. look at yen leng man...I mean there's worse. well of course it's his own fault that he went to cut his hair. if he didn't then it wouldn't have been so bad. silly boy...then today stinky cheese man didn't come. left stupid work to do. so my class went to sit in the library to do. crys was like eh you sad or not. at first I was like huh? then crys was eh...fairy godmother...I was like rolling my eyes out my sockets. I was stoning in lit also lah. I created a mental list of what I like about him. and it sounds weirdly strange that I should like a guy for such stuff but I'm going to put it down anyway.

I know I have lots of things to say. but I'm not sure exactly what I wish to cover today. let's start the agenda thingy again. haha. you know everytime I have the agenda thing I'll have this super super long entry. but I must let it out. somehow. tis a good way you know?? haha.

1. school yesterday 2. jolyn and fiona 3. dinner 4. avril and today 5. scribbles from yuting's blog

1. school yesterday. I was finally late. darn. I walked into math class and crys and joyce were like haha finally late...like it's my turn. they've been waiting very long man...yeah I know I've always been pretty lucky but ah well some days lady luck doesn't want to shine, so...what else happened yesterday. let me think. oh yah during gp lesson it was so funny. j ko was like spouting rubbish again and trying to rebut everything that audi was trying to tell us. khairiah told me that j ko was trying to oppose every statement audi said and the audi just told him well, that's possible, but just use my answer okay? marli was like telling him in malay, naughty ah sir...never accept other's answers...then audi just cracked up like anything. then later because he simply refused to keep his stupid mouth shut, crystal was so irritated but too far from me to tell me anything, so she scrawled in large letters 'so annoying' on the back of the page and held it up for me to see...and audi caught sight of it. he was laughing too. but he obviously didn't want to say anything. we are so darned proud of audi you know. heh. crys said that initially a301 didn't like us because of the way we treated that idiot. caroline was so sympathetic man. but of course now they DO know why we treat him like that...I was like okay let's donate jk to 301 for a week or so and see how they fare. and make sure that there's group work involved in that week that we donate him! gosh it just sucks having him in the group. I haven't been a victim yet and I don't wish to be but honestly when I look at what he's done to my friends it's just so infuriating. annoying is an understatement my dear crystal. absolutely.

and then during paper 8 class we were doing politically correct stories. man I missed those stupid twisted fairytales. I read them so long ago. but they're still as entertaining as ever. oh yeah. then can't rightly remember how, but dr s started talking about metrosexuals and how they can go for spas and facials and manicures etc. at the word manicure crystal was like hey hey someone doesn't need that...I was like yeah obviously not..hehheh. and then I thought, hey actually he doesn't really need facial either. crystal was like need lah...but not as bad as gary. I was like hahahahahaha yeah that one needs quite a bit, but someone here needs a facelift. crystal gagged and said no lah, that one ah, plastic surgery also cannot help ah!! I was like laughing and laughing and trying not to look in jk's direction. plastic surgery also wouldn't help. I tell you it's a bad idea to put crys and I together. we're so darned darned mean together.

during lunch we were rushing like nutcases in the library to get our literature presentation straight. then because almeida and I were so hungry we left wee khee crys and joyce behind in the library and went to eat. it was quite nice. the canteen was pretty empty and it was pouring like cats and dogs...after that meida and I went to the atrium to change and apparently something happened...

which brings me to agenda 2. well apparently jolyn and clara went for the econs test and got scolded because the class didn't go for consultation. actually joyce went to look for her but couldn't find her and so joyce waited and she still didn't appear. so she gave up. ah what ever. so that's irritant number one. then after that jolyn had some quarrel of some sort with her boyfriend and that was frustration number 2. and then I don't rightly know what fiona said (I don't really know if she said anything at all in the first place) and jolyn snapped at her or something and then fiona was so pissed because she felt she hadn't done anything to incur jolyn's wrath. fiona was like so irritated after lunch and was screaming about how people shouldn't shout at others just because they're angry and screaming about how spoilt jolyn is and everything. clara and norvin were trying so hard to calm her down and telling her to forget about it and just take it that she was an innocent victim of jolyn's temper and forgive her and leave it. but of course fiona wasn't quite satisfied...they're okay now so I'm not very concerned. well at least I think they're okay. they looked fine today. khairiah was telling me today that she agreed that jolyn was spoilt and all. honestly if you asked me, and I told khairiah too, that actually I don't quite think jolyn is spoilt. not spoilt in that sense she's not obnoxious or childish or anything. I mean she can be pretty sensible and she knows how to behave. so it's not too bad right? the problem is that she's an only child. somehow some only children just have this strange mentality. the only child mentality. it's a sort of thinking that differs from children with siblings. that's why when it was jolyn against fiona I thought wah die. only child against only child. it was no wonder that they were so angry and offended. one was so offensive naturally, and the other offended easily. ah well...it's true that it really sucks getting scolded by someone just because the person's in a bad mood, but if it were me I'll let it go. I mean sometimes we do that to people too. let it go. but of course everyone is different. and some people just can't take it lying down. I feel that if we're friends, I know you're in a bad mood, then scold all you want. it's a little unpleasant, but it's better that she lets it all out on you who would forgive her rather than offend someone else who's more sensitive. and it's better that you shut up and let her go on and on than make it worse by retorting or something. that's what I think. I'm not very clear about the details of the little squabble between the 2 girls, but I think that as friends just forgive and forget. I mean there are some things that can be done this way. not everything, but try as much as possible. I don't enjoy losing friends over such things. that's why I'm glad that they're okay today. yeah.

after that we had pe. and it was so lame. thanks to aidil's dumb ideas. he was playing silly children's songs for us to do warm ups to. well okay we did enjoy ourselves, doing if you're happy and you know it and doing the hokey pokey but so LAME!!!! oh gosh. and we danced so many times. avril kept singing hey ya over the phone and I was so ready to kill her...

3. dinner. it was nice last night. we finally got together again. the last time yifang kiayun jiaen and I got together was like national day? haha. it's been a year. and ky gave me this lovely bottle of pretty assorted beads! so nice! thanks girl! and thanks for reading this blog even though it's full of so much rubbish. it makes me feel that I'm not keeping this public blog for nothing. I mean if I just wanted a private diary of sorts then I could have stuck to my blogger account and don't give 2 shits about certain names and pretty layouts and all. we went to parkway to eat fish and co. remembered the last time I went there with eewei and her 2 friends. I really can't remember the other guy's name. so paiseh. really man. anyway had good mussels last night. nearly bought more, and nearly ate swensen's again but heh we stopped ourselves. like thank goodness. I'm on the verge of bankruptcy. well not really, but I do need to start saving some money. I'm spending way too much. and it's way way too much on stuffs like food and the like.

3. avril. again. haha. every entry seems to have her name. but that's also because she's worth talking about. *smile*. okay mae don't kill me. ah anyway I was so bored while taking the bus home from parkway last night I decided to call her. heh. poor mother's bill. I don't even know her plan. I've like messaged about 25 messges in 5 days and 1 hour of phone bill. heh. but honestly I think I'm not that bad really. if I message at a rate of 5 a day, 5 multiplied by 30 is 150 a month, and that's way below the usual amount of free messages that phone companies provide. no wonder my sis can survive on about 100 free a month. it's possible you know. well if you're like me who always keeps thinking that I'm messaging a lot, you're never going to hit quota. well that's me. maybe it's because it's not my phone and I know that I shouldn't like jack up my poor mother's phone bill. it's quite nice to have a phone, but really coming down on the practicalities, it's still unnecessary. or perhaps it's just me trying to stick it out until I'm 20 before getting a phone. it's just this thing about sister and I. everything must be of the same standard. if she can survive jc and a year of uni without a phone I shall too. of course she had her pager, but how much use was that man...I mean I think pagers are more like for emergency uses. like calling for a doctor or parents calling children for a family crisis of some sort. but you can't use it when you're bored, which is precisely how I've used it. yeah back to avril. she was like ah you again...and I was like heh. then she said in this superbly suspicious tone, are you on the...bus? and I was like heheheh yeah...and I'm so sure she was ready to smack the wall. but didn't talk to her long because she wanted to call serena and gang to watch alien vs predator today. in the end they didn't go anyway because they wanted to stay home and watch li jia wei. oh she lost. how upsetting. but she's terribly cool about it so...shouldn't be so bad. after I got home I called her again and we talked and talked and talked until like 1 am...we were like talking shit crap, laughing about the ikan billis with a helmet again, talking some econs, downloading songs and sending to her and blah...I just love to talk to her. it's so easy to talk to her. and the conversation barely breaks. just makes me feel like myself once more. I suddenly thought of that time during sports day, a real long time ago, way back in term 2, and mae and I went to toilet. she wasn't certified my wife yet but wth. then when we were coming back we were about to join avril and the then unknown serena when mae asked me if I felt like myself again whenever I was with avril. I looked back at her and told her yeah baby. I do. I have this itching thing at the back of my mind that I've blogged about this event before. just minus serena. heh. and so I talked to avril so late and refused to study econs nor let her sleep.

so in the end...I got to school JUST in time. I creeped in with sup and sarah ee was like giving us this face like why are you two girls late on a test day...not that we were the last anyway. but two wrongs don't make a right. fallicious. hahaha. too much gp. anyway I finished the test before time and was getting kinda freaked out. but later I learnt that I wasn't the only one. made a couple of real stupid mistakes but ah never mind. I don't know. I'm like so sick of econs tests and actually just so sick of econs and more econs. really tired of all of it. man how did avril and sis stick to 2 years of it. poor meida. she must be REALLY sick of it. after the test went to eat breakfast with khairiah. we laughed so much. and the milo upset my stomach a little again. haiz.

went home, had nice lunch with sister, watched (oh my goodness) meteor garden...ah the storyline is quite funny and cute in the beginning before all the love stories fall into place but those 4 idiots kind of spoil it pretty badly. you know I'll rather watch like matsumoto jun plus imai tsubasa, kassy? and actually nariyama hiroki wouldn't be too bad an idea. F4 like that. good right? well at least WAY better than those four. but it was quite funny watching it. entertaining.

then I left for GMAA at EH. chien chong today. do dogs go to heaven? obviously not. they don't have a soul. and today it was such a weird session. I mean there wasn't any games in the beginning and no break in between. I guess it wasn't necessary. and there was no space in the ygos room for games anyway. then went home with kayan...spilt my soya bean milk. thought of avril again. AH!!!!! stop thinking of her!!! nearly everything can link back to her you know. be it her reactions or what she said, there's always some possibility of thinking about her. arrgh.

FINALLY...my final agenda. I've been typing at this for like the past 1 hour plus already. it's been so long. I don't know why I take so long to type out stuffs. but I do. I always take like an hour to 2 hours to type an entry. especially a really long one like this. at least I'm not on MSN, or it'll take even longer. gosh. right. yuting's blog.

4) Erotomania: When a person develops an unreasonable love of a stranger or acquaintance who doesn't reciprocate.

heh. it just reminded me of khairiah. and a little of me and mae. but actually thinking about it, the three of us kinda like those guys because of very external things. we barely know them. khairiah doesn't even know him at all. terrorist doesn't even know her existence. worse right. but ah...it is such. which is precisely why I believe that the feeling will fade. it will. I insist. haha.

I realised that I've missed out some things. yeah missed some things on my account of the day. maybe you're wondering what in the world is this nutcase doing here, giving accounts of her entire day without much holes whatsoever on her blog. ah well. whatever you want to think. I enjoy it. well at least now I do. it's not that bad. it's just that my blog is VERY explanatory and if you're in the schools I'm in or something you'll know exactly who I am. but anyway that doesn't really bother me. although I'm still pretty particular about my identity online but ah never mind.

anyway let's get on with agenda today. yes agenda AGAIN. like does that mean another long long long blog entry? most probably. but who cares. it's my blog. why the heck do I keep bothering about what people think of my blog and then diss them off with an attitude that barely belongs to me? oh dear getting abstract again. must be the linkin park going on in the background. never mind.

agenda. 1) what I've missed. a) yeow sheng b) avril's bag (wah lao still got a and b...jia lat) 2) some avril (during recess) 3) more avril (after school) 4) delon (and maybe some gay shit) again 5) AOB (if there's any I can think of by then)..maybe erm jawwad?

1a. yeow sheng. yeah saw him after our superb expenditure at swensen's. haven't seen him for so long. the last time was like after o level results were announced...you know he smiled at me and then I just couldn't connect my brain wires in time...I was thinking man that guy looks SO familiar. and then suddenly (and I mean really SUDDENLY) I remembered him and I was like hey how are you...so paiseh man. I was like sorry!!! I mean he looks so...kind of grown up. sounds the same but somehow looks sort of different. yah lah brother...look more shuai lah...haha. really. glasses damn cool. you go boy. but so sad he went to poly...if he didn't fail english he might have ended up somewhere nearby like tpj or even mj. I mean at least there would be someone fun. you know he's even easier to talk to than norvin. like an open book. he tells you anything and you just feel like you can tell him anything too. I honestly barely know him and I had tuition sessions with him like 5 sessions? or was it even less? nice guy. but really sad man. and then after he went off to his favourite comic connections I turned to khairiah and started laughing because at that point in time I simply couldn't remember his name for nuts. then khairiah was like aiyah it's something sheng and I was yeah gosh how did you know??! it's yeow sheng! then khairiah was like of course I know, he's from dunman mah...and I just went EH?! I never had any impression that he was from dunman at all. but whatever. he lives so near mrs yow that he always had time to go home and change into home clothes before tuition that I never really knew which school he belonged to really. ah well. it's nice knowing him. and knowing that he remembers me. yeah.

b. avril. and her bag. yeah she got a new bag and honestly it's so weird. and because I barely see her I can't quite get used to it. I was telling her today that I recognise her almost solely because of that blue bagpack of hers that she's chucked aside now and she was like hahahahaha...too bad. I was like fine. because the problem is that I've seen so much of her clique that I recognise them from behind too. and I recognise their bags too. and I'm beginning to see the difference between jill and lynn. heh. a bit slow right? they're really the most identical pair I've ever seen. honest. maril and gwen were so much easier. really much much easier. but anyway avril's the point here right? haha. why do I write so much about her??! hahaha.

2) some avril. nono. almeida calls her the j2 girl. haha. mae was like complaining about how much I love her and I was like oiiiii....cannot is it.....almeida was like why is it a girl? I nearly retorted then you prefer it to be a guy?! then before I did that I suddenly thought that yeah it IS kinda better that it'a guy you know. haha. and so I shut up. I just smiled at almeida and started asking why? are you getting scared....??! and she was like eeeeeee.....hahahaha. so fun. ah I'm not les. really. REALLY LAH! mae was like yes dear I can picture you with a guy...like what ever. I can't picture myself like that so I don't know how mae did it. meida was like why you always about the j2 girl...and I was like hey she's someone I like talking to, someone I really enjoy talking to okay. she's not really an open book (in fact she somehow amazes/mortifies/entertains/flabbergaster me with some things she does) but somehow she's one of those idiots who you can call anytime when you're bored and can talk about absolutely anything and the conversation barely hits any silence. and there's no fight over when to speak. I mean it's just really nice to talk to her. don't ask so much.

3. more avril. I'm so sorry. I must talk so much about her. I've been typing for the past like 20min or so and I'm still at avril. heh. soon enough anyone who knows this blog and avril will seriously stare at her and feel the compulsion to tell that there's this mad child online whose blog has like no other name on it other than avril. ah not that bad lah. no actually it is worse. anyway...after school, I was getting a little lazy to go for tuition and was beginning to regret changing my tuition, because actually thursday is my free day whereby I go home and slack the evening away. and it's quite nice to do so. just like once a week. it's nice. but hey guess what happened. I actually meant to sit down with a drink with crys at the canteen and talk a bit while kurseth went to get their PW file. well I wasn't there to add on to their PW but I thought I'd while away a little more time before going. so I took my furry friend and went to buy a drink. and I spotted vril and gang. oh yeah. and I was like okay get your drink and walk fast. well they walk like so DARN slow so I didn't really start running. I had time to choose a drink, buy it, walk back to my bag, say byebye to some people including the very innocent crystal, start drinking the milo I bought, finished it, walked over to the dustbin to throw it after finishing, and I still caught up with them. not bad ah. well they walked like kinda slow. and then vril's reaction was like super funny. because christine's bf (still don't know what's his name...) was like trying to like use his presence to kinda push avril to the edge, and then I came from the other side and whacked her (much lighter today) on her shoulder and she was like woah...she said I saw him then I saw you on the other side and I was whatch am i gonna do...then she looked at me and was like where you going. and I told her tuition and she said oooooh the one very near my place huh?! and I was yeah...just like diagonally opposite your place...and she was yayayay someone to take the bus with me...and I was thinking hey it's not too bad today huh...changing my tuition. otherwise I would have had just settled with saying bubbai to her at the bus stop. heh. and I'm lucky too because her daddy decided not to pick her up today. he usually does. on thursdays that is. today he decided not to appear and I decided to. hahahhaha. not bad huh. good timing I say. my radar works so well. my intuition is amazing man. when ever I feel like today I'm going meet avril I really do. and somehow because I sort of know her timetable on certain days, I know somehow I might run into her here, or there....and sometimes I just turn and hey she's there! you know if today I walked as usual dead straight ahead to the drinks' stall I wouldn't have seen her. something in me turned. so scary huh. then on the bus she was being grouchy about tests and all and blaming it on me. well it's just for fun so I didn't mind. like okay so it's all my fault now huh?! I felt like telling her hey I deserted my friend, leaving crystal sitting on the bench all by herself and thinking gosh where's she flying off to just because I KNEW she was going home and I could take the exact same buses she takes and I just wanted to accompany her. hurrumph. so bloody insulted. but never mind. I got off the same stop as her (it really doesn't make much difference) but she walked me all the way to the pedestrian crossing instead of crossing the overhead bridge. so heh. she was like where in the world is your tuition man? I was like it's on this side of the road so byebye kae? and she was orh...she said she heard of more people having tuition in the flats on her side of the road, but mrs yow doesn't live there. so I was like byebye girl...and you know after that she crossed the road and I walked on into the lane and I thought to myself like gosh the term IS ending really really damn soon and I won't really see her anymore. in fact come to think of it I'll have to survive next year without her. and the next, and the next...you know at that point I just felt like crying. just felt like sitting down there and cry. I mean that's like so sad. I mean I don't come from some broken family and I don't suffer from strange mental illnesses or something but she's really someone I hold very very dear to me and even though she's just graduating I feel so darned upset. you know I was thinking if one day she dies I'd probably cry myself blind man. I would. really.

alright. restarts the engine. I don't have much time left to type all this. 4 is delon right? yeah it is. did I tell you he's lefthanded? haha. crystal sort of told me before but it slipped my mind. I have a fascination for lefthanded people. really. it seems so cool to be lefthanded. heh. I'm a little weird. please don't mind my eccentricity. anyway crystal is always dissing him. poke fun at my fairy godmother...fine. during chinese crystal looked at the side of her table and started laughing. joyce and I took a look and started to laugh too. there was this really ugly looking phrase scrawled in black permanent marker on the side of the table which said 'delon was here'. and honestly if I could I would have taken a picture of it and uploaded it here. haha it was so stupid. I messaged mae and she was like oorrhhh.....he bad boy...but she was like never mind what, you like mahxx....I was like this is vandalism my dear...and I have something really big against vandalism. so long as it is a deliberate marking without permission on property that doesn't belong to you, I consider it vandalism. yeah baby that includes trying to scrawl on my math notes. please don't try doing that. I'll slap your face. literally. I just slapped crystal today. well not hard anyway. it was just a gesture. shall I talk about gay shit? never mind. another day when I have more time. I'll probably see him on the bus again tomorrow. well that is if I catch the 81 anyway...

I thought of talking about what jawwad and I were talking about on the bus. but it's so darned late and the linkin park playlist has repeated for the goodness knows what nth time and I'm getting tired of it. the entire playlist is only 37:13. that's pathetic. that means it plays about twice an hour. and that's really pathetic. but can't be helped. these english music twits can't seem to write long songs. what ever. I need to sleep. I'm coughing again.

okay. this will take some time to type. I have things to say since monday. but somehow never really had the time and energy to type out everything. so I'll start. yeah I know it's wednesday. at least I didn't wait till tomorrow right?? while I still have some time...

monday 16th august. did anything happen? it was fine. audi didn't come, and neither did dr s, so we had like 3 periods free in a row. ah well. but if I'm not wrong that's the day that delon wore a shirt on the inside of his shirt and MAN he looked so toot. haha. you know I'm so used to norvin doing that, and it looks really like good boy kind of thing and he is erm...not quite. mae insists he is and ahhh I have nothing to say. well okay FINE no other guy I know would willingly walk around a place like tampines with his mother and mingle within the ladies department. fine. I don't want to say anything. not that I care that much. I see him too often. I know there are people ready to kill me and faint backwards upon hearing that but honestly if I see someone too much it's hard to forget right? I mean that makes perfect sense to me. that's how the avril thing died down a little. I didn't see her as much, and couldn't and lately wouldn't call her so much, and so it's kinda of calmed down a little. but it's coming back...because I see her every wednesday. hehheh. it's going to become something routine soon you know, and you know how bad a routine person I am...I just stick to it real real hard and somehow feel so empty without doing it. yeah.

anyway...on to tuesday. there was really sucky chinese test on that day. I nearly fell asleep on the paper. it's not fair! I think it's harder than mid year. but they want to make sure that we get the same or higher than the midyear paper, or they'll make you see lailai...and I don't want to see her. after school we were all like so sian and hungry and all and decided to go to swensens to eat. don't ask me why we felt so rich that day but we did okay. we had like a total bill of 91.70 or something like that. the entire service charge and GST (total 15%) added up to about 12 bucks okay?! I was like oh my goodness that's a lot. and anyway I helped everyone pay first and bleagh it's hard to collect all the money back. but I need it. my account's running running.....and I need to save for my dear iPod!! that will kinda dry it quite badly...and yesterday I postponed tuition just to eat there. kinda regretting it. anyway later that night hannah came over for tuition. gosh her maths is...no comments. it's been like that for so many years. haiz. I hope she can pass this time. I mean she doesn't exactly hold high hopes and neither do I, but I really hope she passes. at least maybe a C5? if that's possible. it would be nice if it could hit a B4. it can you know...but C6 also can lah...if she tries hard now. really.

anyway tuesday morn mama and papa left for china. I was so sleepy anyway that it didn't really register much. but it's getting obvious that I'm pretty dependent on them anyway. and this new liberalisation is getting a little bad...I'm like postponing tuition happily and coming home late and eating meals at weird hours blah...

today! I love wednesdays. why? because I get to see avril. haha. really! it's not a joke. I know I'll get to see her and my mood really swings high. really high and it scared maril pretty bad today. heh. it's not the first time and it won't be the last. the problem is that these are the last few wednesdays I'll get to see her and talk to her like that. when term 4 starts she will be stuck at home (or somewhere else but school) and I won't see her like that anymore. so sad. I'll miss her dearly. to think about it sounds sad already. can't imagine when it starts. don't worry I'll try not to cry. the word is try. hahahha. I'm so scary right. mae was like saying how sometimes the guy you like causes your mood to change from total shit to complete happiness. but I was like hmmmm.....not really. in fact most of the time nothing really drastic happens. instead I become more high when I see people I love, who are girls, anyway. I'm always happier to see people like avril, mae, huda, maril...yeah all girls. I treasure my girlfriends A LOT okay. really.

oh yeah. something more about monday. there was a soiree rehearsal and I met my primary school classmate! weiling! I never thought that I'd see her again...and guess what? she's a dir en grey fan! or at least she's a jrock fan! haha. she's like that last on the list...heh. and she cosplays pretty decently. I mean she and her friends most certainly look much better than the ones I've seen like in the states or something. I guess it's the asian figure that the americans and other caucasians lack. and perhaps the gothic makeup looks weird on them partly because of their features and skin and hair colour and everything added up. perhaps.

today there was rehearsal again. and it was decent. I was messaging avril. so sad she was already on her way home. I hoped that she would be still around and could talk more to her or something. I meant to like message her just after 6. but I realised it was past 6 too late. that's why. darn. but never mind the messaging went on...then I think she reached home and didn't reply anymore. handphones are super handy in 2 cases. one is emergency, and the other extreme is when you're super bored. seriously man. I was bored. other that the fact that weiling is actually performing onpu no tegami (charlene calls it the minority finally represented), it was like...well when you've watched it a little too many times...yeah it gets kinda boring.

then went to white sands after that to eat dinner with mae watching me again. sigh. then I took the 359 another stupid round and watched my 53 erm go past. and I was like ahhhhhh.....then I remembered I had the phone! ha! thank goodness I don't own one. the bill would be utterly disastrous. I mean if I just call and message just because I'm bored (which is really a lot of times), the bill will really shoot. I alighted at avril's stop and called her. she was like where are you and my reply was heh at the bus stop outside your place...she was like WHAT?! but anyway I talked to her all the way home, even into the lift and all. I didn't expect to have any reception in the lift but tried my luck anyway. and it worked! so wonderful. really didn't expect that at all. but I was cooking my brain with a handphone that doesn't belong to me and her brother needed to use the phone plus the fact that I had to bathe, we put the phone down. so sad. I love talking to that girl. don't ask why. it's just like why I like to talk to vicky online. it's so fun. it carries on nearly non-stop and it's crappily fun.

you know mae was talking about how the year 2 science (actually arts also) people are like so crap and funny and really really fun peeps to be with and how they were so similar to secondary school friends and I was like ooooh you are so DAMN RIGHT! you know I don't really know avril's little clique but I mean I look at them, listen to them, listen to vril's stories about them and the way they talk to me HEY THEY ARE JUST LIKE BACK THEN. the good old days. man...really missed those times. I don't know whether it's my background or what, but somehow I don't quite fit into the year 1 arts bunch and it's so hard to find why. it's not something truly tangible. and it's not very definitive. it's just wrong. and that's why I love mae and maril. because they're kinda like me. and they have similar likes and habits and priorities like me. and it's nice to know somebody like you exists. maybe a slightly different version but hey it's better than nothing.

it's REALLY late now...and I must sleep. let's hope avril replies in the morning. because it she doesn't, I will have no time to grab someone for dinner. I want to eat with someone...and get home in time to watch singapore idol. ah well...we'll see about it.

don't have much to type today, because it's getting late and my shomuni 3 is starting soon. supposed to study real hard for econs test tomorrow as well, by the way. so I'll just leave you, whoever is reading with this beautiful (and rather old song) by DC Talk.

Pages filled with a holy message
Sealed with a kiss from heaven
On a scroll long ago
Phrases, words that were bound together
Now have the power to sever
Like a sword evermore

Heed the words divinely spoken
May your restless heart be broken
Let the supernatural take hold

(chorus)
There is love in the red letters
There is truth in the red letters
There is hope for the hopeless
Peace and forgiveness
There is life in the red letters
In the red letters

One man came to reveal a mystery
Changing the course of history
Made the claim he was God
Ageless, born of a virgin Mary
Spoke with a voice that carried through the years
It's persevered

Heed the words divinely spoken
May your restless heart be broken
Let the supernatural take hold

(bridge)
What You say moves me, revelation, come and take me
The more I look [the more I look] the more I see [the more I see]
The Word of God [the Word Of God] is what I need

Oh yeah, oh yeah
Yeah, it's the book of love
Yeah, yeah, yeah
It's the book of love

indeed. life is found in the red letters. the red letters? they are the word of God.

just heard the dumbest linked-story kinda joke ever. lousy idiot who thought of it. like oh man! never mind. actually I got into quite a sucky mood earlier while talking to avril about the stupid love meridian day but she ended with telling me this really stupid joke I suddenly lost all my angst and temper and now I cannot blog. all her fault. and she still wants to send me to azkaban via fedex. like yeah right. like who said I wanted to go there? huh?huh? haha. so lame.

darn I broke my record. actually I didn't really keep a record but I sort of know that I haven't called avril for the past 2 weeks or so. and that is not bad. not bad at all. it's just that just now I was on msn with yifang and she used that little emoticon with the sunglasses and I was like noooooo don't use that coz I'd consider calling avrilllllllll...........and I did. haha. oh well it's always nice to call her. just not too often right...I'll try. really. I will. we didn't talk too long. just a little over an hour. and that's not too bad honestly. it used to be like 2 hours at one shot. but anyway I shouldn't talk too long here. it's getting late and I haven't really prepared my message properly. honestly I don't know how to do it. better pray real hard before jsf tomorrow.

need to sleep earlier girl! overslept AGAIN today! gosh! I don't know whether I'll wake up on time when mama and papa go to china man. really...

today is friday the thirteenth. haha. nothing bad happened to me. unless you count this morning's really late wakeup time. gosh I woke up like slightly past 7. luckily mother was in a rather good mood today and actually decided to give me a lift. gosh.

slack day today! woohoo! just love fridays. no stinky cheese man, no violet!! that's the best part actually. I'd rather go for chinese than econs. of course crys thinks otherwise but never mind...then during common lunch we went to eat at swensens. they're selling topless 5 for like 1.39 only and everybody in mjc was there. haha. well, nearly. especially those year 2s who were dismissed already and had the time to wait. gosh the year ones were squeezing like nutcases. joyce meida crys wk and I were seated on the outside but we didn't mind. when there's sticky chewy choc to be eaten, we'll be there. never mind if it's hot and smelly outside. there's ice cream!! haha. meida was like staring out at the crowd still stuck at the entrance and crys was like hey fairy godmother. like whatever. I see him everywhere. you know mae and I were like laughing the other day, saying like how more fortunate we are than poor dear khairiah and her terrorists, because our 'targets' are year ones who actually know our existence. at the very least. but I was laughing harder, because I am even MORE fortunate than her in the fact that dress alert here is in the arts fac. hehheh. and he has up to 5 lectures which are the same as mine (lit, econs, gp, chi, pw) because of that. ha. and most of the arts fac get the same lunchtime breaks and we have the same pe period. hahahahaha.

enough. crys is laughing her head off about this. stupid crystal. at least I don't go for unavailable men. she's really nuts man. going for the irving concert on 5th sept. I want to go too. I want to see how good that guy is. I know he has to be really good but I'm just eh curious. really! I'm not like going there to see him. and crystal wants to give him a black rose. gosh just as I mention crys she signs into MSN. how erm terribly coincidental. she has this intuition that I'm writing bad stuff about her. hahha. what crap.

never see avril today...but never mind. must stop this thing about trying to see her. there are easier people to see than her. actually that's what makes it so...how to put it. so lovely. yeah something like that. it's so lovely to see her because looking at my timetable against hers, it's near impossibility that we meet. but we still do anyway. so nice right?! as long as I think it's nice...

after school stayed back and crapped so much. then almeida crys and joyce came over to my place for fun. well we thought we might just do some lit at the same time. obviously we didn't really get anything done anyway. just had fun staring at tkg year books. gosh must put them back again. so sian. ah well I took them out anyway. at least I know where they are. I don't know where the PL yearbooks went to. I thought of just checking out like whether that's wei sze. actually I stared at her harder today during PE. it's her. face is the same, hair is WOOhoo but the way she walks...still a little gorilla-ish. I remember we used to say that she walked like some gorilla or king kong of some sort. now it's so much better. but don't know if she remembers me. ah well. that was many years ago. and I wasn't really close to her. then again, look back the years. exactly how many people was I really close to? can count them on one hand...really. haiz. sad life. oh well better than none. if I had so many close friends I wouldn't know who in the world I told what right? haha. that's real crap.

my fingers are freezing up here. the aircon's on and it's REALLY freezing. suddenly think of avril. haha. yeah those funny times when I call her and she's stuck on the chair and letting her toes freeze because she's lazy to go to the bed and I insist on talking to her. so her brain freezes, her fingers freeze and her toes are dead. haha.

getting used to his erm less hair. really. it...doesn't look that bad now. still bad though. mae was saying how important hair is to the entire image. I really understand that. really understand that completely. look at how much difference some fringe makes to people like fiona and wee khee. honestly I think clara shouldn't try long hair. may look odd. and old. you know these little things that most people (well at least I don't) care about much but it makes so much difference to your face. I cut my hair and mother is like screaming are you trying to make your face smaller??! hello is my face very big? so big that I need my hair to cover the sides? then what about my years of tying my hair up? my head was big?? never mind....my mother.

enough said. must go sleep. cannot oversleep again tomorrow. otherwise, I'll just oversleep all the way. and soon enough I may not appear in school on tuesday or something because I overslept and mother's away in china and nobody woke me up. gosh. that sounds really bad. must sleep earlier. well it's not exactly early but at least it's earlier. heh.

oh yeah baby it's me again. hehheh. haiz. actually I meant to start blogging like earlier but obviously it is getting late now...yeah it's 2359 now. haha. remembered the funny show that channel 8 shows on tuesdays on this family with a father in the army. and he is so strict on his children that all the kids must follow the army 2359 law, which is to report home by 2359 everyday. that's like book-in time for the NS guys or something. so dumb man. but funny. haven't watched that for a long time. not sure if it's still running.

anyway nothing much happened today. let me think. I had a sleepy PW, a boring PE lesson, rather good recess, then...the worst lit test I've ever taken. nono the worst test I've ever taken. really I've never crapped this much before. And I still want to know -- what does Angelo's argument of compelled sin is no sin have to do with his mood swings? and when did his mood swing anyway? ah never mind. then after that was...oh more boring GP, but at least I had wee khee to talk to. that was followed by an okay math lecture and then a mind-boggling econs tutorial. I'm terribly scared of that peggy lu okay. really. I do my work but still...so glad that there's no consultation tomorrow. can you imagine, the only day that I have NO econs tutorial, she decides to schedule a consultation period there. how bad can things get. oh man. after econs was lunch. so screwed. norvin and fiona quarelled. but they were okay pretty fast. tomorrow's fiona's birthday. and it's really rather sucky if you quarrel with your boyfriend before your birthday isn't it. well at least I think so. what else...oh then there was math tutorial with dear godbrother who was darn nice to us as usual. and I can't do assignment question 2. really stuck. oh after that we went for chinese with stinky cheese man. gosh it was SO SLOW. well doing that stupid tys is NOT my cup of tea. then he made dear blowfly joyce stay back and talk to him. hehheh the suay blowfly had her mum meet him so...and he was like talking to us and arrgh I just wanted to get out of there. like quick. I'm pretty tired actually and I'm typing this in a sort of daze...like just watching the letters appear on the screen like little ants crawling on the monitor.

sounds possessed. ha. anyway there's lit presentation tomorrow and tomorrow's friday!!! oh joy. I don't know. the tired feeling is coming. I see it...coming...it's upon wee khee already. oh dear. I just recovered from flu...nooo...I hate the tired feeling. shudders. really. I can't stand it. haiz.

let me plan agenda first okay. then I can have a thorough blog today. I hate it when I meant to blog about something but forgot it halfway.

agenda: 1. yesterday lunch with eewei, 2. eldds, 3. avril, 4. delon, 5. audi, 6. AOB

yesterday's lunch was a success! haha. what rubbish. oh well met 2 friends of hers from nafa. I only remember clarence's face though. I'm so sorry to the other friend. I know his face but I've erm forgotten his name. ah well blame it on eewei for mentioning 'clara' too many times. yeah baby clarence is a happy man. gay lah. so lame right. eewei has become lamer than me. and that's beginning to sound sad. really it is. it isn't supposed to be that way. hmmph. but anyway they were nice people. and honestly speaking we didn't want to run into entertainer. we really tried so hard. clarence went off to meet her and some really despo guy (from what I gather) and I was like good luck man. and then later eewei and I went to coffeebean and saw her. oh man. but apparently she didn't see us. then later last night I saw her online and she was like hey why go out never tell me? and I was like hehheh. it's okay what...why do you want to go out with us? go go flirt with all the guys in nafa. go. like I give two shits about that. I really pity paul. honest. still with him or not? or is he the ultimate spare tyre? sounds sad you know...haiz.

eldds. had a meeting today. the comm wants to change the image of el. I don't mind. I mean coming from a rather disciplined cca before really makes a lot of difference. suddenly the latecoming (I mean I myself forgives up to 15-20min) and the poor attendance is irritating. I don't want to be seen as some kaypoh (as erm someone calls me...) who pokes her nose into every damn thing in eldds and behaves like part of the comm of something. I'm not okay. get it straight. well maybe I think too much. perhaps nobody really thinks that way. but I fear politics. haha. too much tkgssb. way too much. shudders.

anyway I really don't know how an eldds should be. I'll just leave it to expert marli who was the ex-president of eldds in sac. she would know. oh and huda dear had learning journey today...so lonely. I mean I felt like darn where is she. well you see peck joo left early, mae came late, huda didn't come and really kinda felt empty. oh man.

and I don't get it. if the year twos who believed so hard in slacker eldds came for meetings proper, why can't the year ones do so? if you don't fancy the cca much or like the idea of the cca but don't quite fancy the people then don't appear at all. I don't know. that's what I think. arrrgh whatever. I don't want to impose anything.

avril! haha. well first I met her in school. she called out like zee yoon and I was like eh sounds familiar and haha it was her. and lynn was like you two arhh...hehheh. saw her again after ahem lunch. her friend kinda puked a bit. nearly stepped into his puke really. he was one of the sargas ogls. recognise him but can't remember his name for nuts. let's go check it out.

checked. still don't know. hehheh. names don't ring any bells. too bad. his puke reminded me of my own. will never forget the time I puked so hard (too tall...) that the puke splattered on the carpark ground and bounced off a little onto tianying's socks. hahhaha and got scolded by her for puking. and guess what? my friends actually scolded her too! even liane did. I was utterly shocked. well these people were the people who didn't know that I puke so often that puking isn't much to me. in fact I feel so good after a vomit that I look as if nothing happened in the first place. ah well I'm good at this. who asked that stupid flap in my throat not to work? hahhaha. puke so much. haiz.

anyway BACK TO AVRIL. went to white sands to post my money to lavender after el meeting and slacking around eating huda's favourite tofu. and then mae and I were coming down the escalator when haha radar working again! I spotted vril downstairs. squinted a little and found serena plus jill and lynn down there outside macs as well. actually there was a mj bunch down there when mae and I came and benjamin and mae's melvin was down there and we were like wah lao meridians blocking the way arhh! and then while coming down STILL a bunch of meridians but hey different dudes. mae was like hey wanna bet scarli they've gone off before we can get there. I was like nahhhh they'll be there. mae asked me how I was going to say hi. natural reaction. whack her. hahhahahahhaha. and I did anyway. hand hurt a little after that. coz I whacked her harder than I meant to. sorry avril. wasn't supposed to come out that hard. but it did. all the years of experience and days of suppression. sorry darling. yeah I know the sound was freaking loud. hehheh. I was thinking oops. hahhaahha. they were still there, not knowing where in the world to head next and in the end ALL of us went home. and jill knows my makurokurosuke!! wee!! avril was like wHaT??! but who cares anyway. my lovely lovely cutee makurokurosuke!! must take a slightly better picture and put it up here. really ought to.

then I did something I haven't done for so long. something stupid that my friends never fail to be amazed by. something stupid my mother would scold me for. I took a 359 nearly one whole loop so that I could accompany mae and avril a little more. mae was totally dissing me like saying wah lao just because of avril right??!! well not that I didn't want to take a 12 or 21 with mae it was just that when she asked me to do that it was like 9 something at night and mother's going to kill someone soon, but today it was like evening before six and so I didn't mind. stop eating so much vinegar okay mae my dearest wife...you know why I love avril so don't eat so much okay? bad for health.

then I made avril do something stupid that someone hasn't done for me for a long time. she did what melissa used to do--wait for the bus with me. hehheh. really. haven't done that in a while. the difference is just that avril keeps seeing the wrong bus number and for melissa and I, I am the one who keeps seeing the wrong bus number. really terok. mel is short sighted too but somehow her glasses always worked better than mine...her brother came by and he had this going home? look on his face. so funny. he looks like her. then she was like that's the one who sings the awful chinese songs at home and I was like alright man tell kenneth that I'm the one who always calls but not for him.

then the bus came. awwwww...I haven't called her for more than a week already. let's see how long I can stretch this no-calling-of-avril business. not easy man...but it's because I've been trying NOT to call avril which is why I ended up calling eewei and having a nice lunch (spoiled by entertainer) together. so indirectly thanks girl.

6 paragraphs on avril alone. ooooh. there should be an essay test on avril. I'd have more things to write about than stupid monopolies and perfectly competitive firms. I wrote crap today. absolutely. if I fail again, violet's going to blow up. shudders. I'm really scared of that woman. I'm okay with stinky cheese man. he's really revolting but not the extent that I fear him. he's scary in the sense that he freaks people out and really is ahem unpredictable sometimes. but that's it anyway.

yes. agenda number 4 (four only???). he cut his hair. and looks DAMN awful. I'm so sorry I have to use that word again. I told myself some time ago not to use it anymore and I've been pretty successful in doing so. but today is the ultimatum. gosh he really....never mind. crystal was like HAHAHA his head is so SMALL! I was like my dear girl that is BESIDES THE POINT. anyway he and sean were freakingly entertaining during chinese class. fairy godmother...and my just on time buddy. seriously man. twice already. for all you know sean and I have to run into school again tomorrow. oh man...I'll try to come earlier. sorry crystal about today. promised to meet her earlier today. but woke up late. I couldn't sleep last night. don't know what's causing it man. let's hope lalaland has better things in store for me today.

okay. audi. whoof. poor guy man. crystal's heart went totally out to him. he silly boy, went to make negative comments on kurseth wee khee and khairiah for the parent-teacher meeting, making them so pissed. then farhana decided hey let's all shut up and not respond to audi today. and we really didn't. I couldn't stop laughing. neither could crys and meida. really man. never before has gp been this quiet. so freaky. I mean we were freaking audi completely. after gp he went to ask fiona what happened and fiona was totally I don't know??? poor guy. oh well. let's see what happens tomorrow.

AOB. finally. first of all, I forgot to mention earlier. sister bought something else from japan other than the makurokurosuke! little sootball too cute and distracting...sister bought an issue, the 20th anniversary issue of Pati Pati! woohoo! all the cool people inside. larc, gackt, glay, tmr, DAIGO STARDUST!!! no meev or deg but that's alright. had some other people too...overall a rather exciting picture book with really good paper man. full colour, thick, heavy paper. this isn't one of those cheapskate 4-5 bucks cleo mag of some sort okay. it isn't one of those mags where you just simply cut somewhere, tear pages out and whatnots. YOU DO NOT TOUCH THE MAG AT ALL. even the arena 37deg was rather precious you know. and it cost only 13 bucks. an issue of pati pati like that (especially all these special issues) would have cost slightly past 20 bucks here man. really. japanese stuffs really expensive.

better go iron my uniform now. I don't want to wake up tomorrow morning with no uniform to wear again. and mother will have my head chopped off. what a long entry! you know I realised that my blogs are more like accounts of my day plus some of my own thoughts. then again, it's a web LOG right? so it should record all this stuff. yeah. I think I talk more personal stuffs on my blog than to people. maybe it's just me. I don't have the habit of calling up all my best girlfriends or something and telling them ALL my problems. some problems are pretty deep. sounds so angst. but hey I'm a rather fortunate child. but what ever. don't want to dwell on this topic. not now. IRON UNIFORM!!!

happy national day! woohoo! holiday tomorrow! haha...I guess that's kinda what it really means to most singaporeans. so sad right. but anyway we all screamed at the concert when wilber and shan wei said that it's gonna be singapore's birthday soon and all. like when was I this patriotic?? haha.

anyway stuck to listening to wilber's tell me. nice song. okay it's rather typical chinese rap style song but I like it so why would you care? nah you wouldn't right...

I think I freak a lot of people out with the way I write my blog. I seem to be talking to other people, yet sometimes I talk to myself, and sometimes I scold myself from a third party's voice. it's as if I suffer from some multi-personality disorder of some sort. I mean I look back at some of the things I write and rant about and ooooh it's pretty scary man this girl. see there I go again. but look at it this way. it's my style. hehheh. as if it's that great.

watched singapore idol just now. why didn't they show yen leng's audition?! it would have been nice. better than getting utterly irritated by the insistent shanghai guy and terribly mortified by the lemon tree guy and flabbergasted by the stripper. really man. oh and one of them (the one in pink shirt) was from my sis' school. and he was like the most kiam pah guy in school man. it's like he got punched by a guy just because his face is so...punchable. hehheh. sis says even clarence yeo can't stand him. and clarence is so absolutely irritated by him that he cannot take the fact that they have the same surname. and the worst part is he got into the next round of auditions! my sis was on the phone with her friend who also knows him and they both nearly puked. li ern sent an sms which was so darn cute. it went something like aiyoh so gross....aiyoh....so gross...aiyoh so gross! just...so gross! and it kinda went on aiyoh-ing and so gross-ing.

actually nothing much to blog about. I'm not in the correct mood to blog a lot a lot so I shall end here.

I paid nothing. yeah baby it was free. hahaha!! and I know some people who would want that. and I would never forget biying singing shi shui qiang zou le wo de mai ke feng (who took my microphone away) in practical class and the worst part was that the line was the only one she knew. like darn it! like crystal man. she and her I feel pretty and witty and GAY...like....nothing to say.

last night was like watching two small little boys who diss each other out of fun and have this ultimately stupid competition. goodness me. I knew something really lame would definitely come out of zhang shan wei but didn't expect it to be this bad...but it was quite cute. the front part was very funny, because they were like saying hi to the fans and telling them to stay to the very end because they'll be singing, dancing and perhaps stripping...then they proceeded to make fun of alex to's new song, tuo diao (strip) and then suddenly the fans began to scream strip strip strip and wilber's face totally changed colour man! it was like so funny! I mean, they were just having fun but didn't expect this bunch of super horny fans from singapore to bring it one step further...those fans were really crazy and really horny. seriously man. that is like ultimate perversity. sheesh. why was I amongst them?? no lah I have no interest in them stripping. really. there's nothing to see anyway...2 small kids.

and then I didn't know that stella would be a guest singer! if I had known, I would have brought my ear plugs along...gosh it was so painful to hear her talk. just talk you know?! it was so horrid. really. I couldn't stand it. well neither could mae anyway.

okay enough about the concert. other things. yesterday there was this little kitty in the school compound! it was so cute...but so skinny. when I described it to mum she said it might have been starving for the past month or so. and that is so pitiful. haiz. anyway we called spca and they took it away.

after that went for lit lecture. initially I was like nearly right behind him...then kalidas asked us to move right in front of him. but his class had to move too because kalidas didn't want us so high up. damn. but never mind. it will fade....it will....

today sister came back from japan. and bought me a makurokurosuke!! yeah it's that super super cute sootball that's found in totoro and spirited away! oh my!!!!!!!!!!! I couldn't stop screaming. it's so cute!! it's hanging on my cupboard now...so cute!!

haha national day concert finally over. it was okay today. and huda and I went punching fists at the last minute. so dumb. but fun. don't expect anything less from the two of us man. I think rohani must be banging her head backstage. and we put the flag back. actually I left the props in the sound room, but thank goodness for somebody like rohani to remind me about them. you know the actors just leave the props about thinking that woo hoo the entire thing's over, so they can cheer and scream as if nobody can hear them and just move offstage nearly forgetting to return the mic to the mmc guy (on the way on the way!! haha go peck joo) and obviously forgetting the damn props. arrrgh. there's more to life than just acting in eldds okay. anyway I think it was okay. wanted to ask avril but looks like the dear girl is too tired after swimming to come online I suppose. and since I can't call her (well I told myself not to) so just leave it as such first.

tomorrow's going to be a real long and crazy day. morning there's double lecture, econs and lit, then I have to do utopia presentation preparation with crys and jeremy chan...and I suddenly realised that I don't know what to do. heh. like oh joy right? like what the heck is characterisation? I don't know and neither does mae. really OH JOY....then after that run home for brunch and shoot off to temasek poly for what's next. let's hope I don't doze off or something. I'm taking an entire group all by myself...so lonely!! and I hope that the bunch I'm taking is okay...and I hope they want to go jc, because I'm not really well-versed in poly stuffs. at least I know some jc stuffs.

and then after that going for concert! haha. mae's aunt suddenly dropped 2 tickets from nowhere (well not really nowhere) and we're going for a concert! guess whose? haha it's wilbur pan and zhang shan wei's one...I don't mind. hehheh. like duh. if it were some lousy 5566 or f4 concert I wouldn't attend even if you paid me to. although I could sell it well to those 2 little girls of mine...hehheh.

okay time to sleep already. really. otherwise I will die tomorrow. long day and I'm getting sick again. the lump in my throat is back. shit. shouldn't have eaten so much macs. keep eating there. ate there again today. darn darn darn. nitez~.

just went against my principles. haha. just finished listening to avril lavigne's my happy ending. yeah. I downloaded that. even though I really hate that punk kid but ah somehow I like this song. actually it's so lavigne but yet...never mind.

had another late late national day concert rehearsal. looks like the effect wasn't too bad after all. still sort of around. obviously worn off a little but not too bad. at least it wasn't exactly the same as before and the teachers and student council said we were decent. at the very least we're presentable. honestly I don't want eldds to go up there and perform and then the seniors who've been waiting for the new eldds' first performance and shake their heads okay. I love those people in year 2 and I don't like disappointing the ones I love. really.

then was watching the MCS item...then I kinda turned (darn I think I'm developing a radar...) and the first thing I saw (take note thing ah) was that horrendous bag of eyeliner's. gosh can he like change it or something?? for the life of me I will not have guys carrying orange bags. in particular bright and plastic looking ones. oh GROSS. it's the same principle behind guys who wear pink shirts. absolute nono. it just looks sucky okay. I know some girls who just love guys who wear pink shirts and believe that they look good but to me, please don't. you'll just ruin your image totally. it's true that they don't have to give two shits about what I think but it infuriates me all the same. that's why I hope that kyo never wears that awful pink shirt ever again. really. it's so horrid.

anyway the focus is not on eyeliner. DUH. please his voice sucks and he's a walking ah beng. not that fairy godmother isn't. but oh well he looks better. and he's shorter than eyeliner! I didn't expect that. really I didn't. and imran's supposed to be taller than me. and that is like so weird. he looks freakily short. but that's beside the point. we're supposed to talk about fairy godmother right? yeah we're supposed to talk about delon right? actually thought that I might see him if I had sat around the gallery longer, but darn it prawn came out and I was like PLEASE DON'T SEE ME...and the moment we had to go I happily took off. for all he's worth I AM NOT SEEING THAT WOMAN. don't let her spoil my day. no. don't. don't spoil my day. I was like feeling so terrible today because I'm so freakily tired after pe and all and don't make it worse. but then I drank mocha ice blend and erm I'm like pretty much awake now. haha.

got so many things to bring home tomorrow! and there's like loads of homework. econs econs econs econs econs and MORE econs. so sucky. all that peggy's fault. I know she's darn angry about our horrid failure of the econs test but she doesn't have to do this right...so shitty. I have to bring home my econs tys, workbook, measure for measure and utopia...plus the entire stack of surveys that dear clara is going to print out. sheesh. so tired. actually my feet are kinda achy. which is weird. but nothing is as bizarre as my butt pain. it's still around. and it hurts real real bad when I climb stairs. really. very bad. and I don't even know why. and that sucks. really.

I think I ought to stop. it's getting late. and I'm not in the mood to blog. I'm just blogging because I'm online with nearly nothing to do. haiz. should sleep right? but I drank the mocha and I'm quite awake. darn. shouldn't have indulged. darn darn darn.

they had no rights. they had no say. and they longed to be free one day. what crap.

heh. maril finally decided to talk serious with the el people. gosh you know their attitude just reminds me of those days back in tkgssb. where the juniors like couldn't wait to go home and didn't want to do certain things and were lost not because they really didn't know what was going on but was lost because they didn't bother to find out and take note of what was going on. so irritating. so junior-ish. oh well I was like that too, but hey that was in lower sec okay. it got better. I mean if people like huda and imran can get serious about things despite their nutcase beings during breaks and all, why can't the rest try? who in the world like is happy when you're trying to act out riots and killings? and is it difficult to shut up while the leader's talking? I know that sometimes it's hard for like peers to have to obey and listen to whatever the leader says, but hey maril isn't a figurehead you know. leaders are there for a purpose. if maril was the president just because we're supposed to have one, el is doomed man.

anyway I said that maril finally told them off right? I'm scared it wouldn't last. maril's scared too. actually I think it wouldn't. how upsetting right? I really think so. sorry maril dear. hold on okay? just this week first. at least let it pass. we'll all be there for ya!

so tired. and my butt hurts like anything. don't ask why. all I did was to play badminton. sounds really dumb. it's getting really late but I'm still sending stuffs to avril...accompanied her for like half an hour today with jill. heh. ranting to her about lousy attitude people now. it's not that I really hate attitude people. I mean I'm one really, and many of my friends are too. but there's a limit to the attitude that you want to exude. there are times where you need that attitude or you'll get bullied. but sometimes when you need things done PLEASE get rid of it. it wouldn't kill you. haiz. don't talk about this anymore. it makes me feel like last time. and I don't like it. it's that weird sort of resigned fate plus disappointment and upset feeling and I don't like it. it makes me feel very tired and sometimes rather annoyed and exasperated.

talk about better things. sat behind him today. hehheh. and yes crystal his lashes are BLOODY nice okay and that's that. hurrmph. end of story. and crys don't think so much about his hands okay. yours will never look like that. muahaha. I'm so evil. but it's true. sad but true. so live with it.

tired. had national day concert rehearsal just now. even though I'm not like directly involved as in I'm not onstage at all, but I feel tired for mae and maril. especially maril. she was like so going to snap just now. I mean I know she wants to scream at all of them and tell them to shut up, take things seriously and stop fooling around and get things moving. but sorry darling some things don't quite work this way. I realised I like to say this. some things don't work this way. they really don't. you know el is the place where my life comes back. or at least my crap side comes out once more. I'm beginning to love huda much too. she's just so crap! and crap in the same way as me. not bad. at least there's someone out there in mjc who can make it to the crap list after all. gosh. and I thought the last of the crap lies in 03s307 or something. I mean vril's class' crap is everything my class used to be. the stupid jokes, the lame puns, the rubbish inferences, the drama mama people, the spastic imitations of people and yeah including the losers. haiz. not that I hate my class. honest. mae said I look happy. yeah it's not that I'm unhappy. it's just that I'm not quite me...ah don't want to talk about it.

shit. the more I think about it the more I think it is. I think I like him after all. darn. like what am I going to do? nothing. haha. mae asked me whether I wanted to tell him and I'm like Are You Crazy because I know it won't last anyway. and yeah mae you're right. we're darn lucky because they're both in year 1. haha. but I'm so convinced that it's a temporary thing. it'll blow over in a while. the most is a couple of months and the novelty will wear off...wait. what novelty? I've seen him for the past like 4 months for crying out loud but nothing lehxxx.xx.xx.xx...arrgh don't like talking about such stuff. change topic.

listening to ain't afraid to die now. ahh..so nice. if only somebody in the school was a jrock fan. I mean a real hard core rock fan. charlene's too mild. so is elaine. need someone whom I can rant about to about deg. other than yifang lah. I think I haven't ranted enough these months so she'll get quite lost. tomorrow I'm going to be soiree auditioning committee for the day! and mae and huda will be there too! how exciting! can laugh at them! how sadistic. but what's new right?

better stop writing. otherwise I'll never go to bed. told mother that I'm going to make the effort to get up myself tomorrow and somehow get to school on time. and I'd better. I don't want to run. not in my lovely school uniform all nice and clean (and I'm staying that way) and my hair all nicely combed. yes darlings I am vain. but damn it who isn't?! wanting to look nice and presentable isn't a crime; in fact it's human and it's good. of course not too vain to the point where you resemble more of a narcissist than a normal person, but there's nothing wrong in wanting to look good. I believe in it. hehheh. go sleep! go go to sleep! ah shit I miss avrillllllll..................but promised myself I wouldn't call her for the next week. no matter what. let her study you idiot. always call her and then she is like short of slapping your face and telling you to slam the stupid phone down and don't ever call again.

the playlist is replaying...304 goushitsu, hakushi no sakura. oh my I love this song. the melody, the chords, the lyrics, the VOICE. oh me oh my. kyo dearest...sing on...

oh yeah. did I tell you that he uses the LOVELY holton horn that natalie used to use back in tkg? ohmy!

new layout! yeah it's cain and jezebel. and in honour of this new template, I've just created the next one too! haha. I'm really nuts already. I was so high last night even avril got scared. she's lucky I decided not to call her otherwise I tell you her shock will just rise. anyway there's quite a number of things I want to talk about today.

1) I'm still sick. and it sucks big time. I'm still coughing, still spitting phlegm and it doesn't help that my medicine is nearly done. actually it practically is. darn. and somehow the coughing worsens at night. is it because it's colder or something? I have no idea. anyway it gets real bad at night and I just can't stop coughing and coughing...

2) irving. oh my crystal I'm joining you in the fanclub for irving. it's rather late now, since he's already left the school already, but who cares. next time if I hear of any PCO concert I'll tell you. and as a quote from a201's joel's blog,

Confirmed that the Irving Goh in the
Philharmonic Chamber Orchestra, the Concert Master Irving
Goh, the Lead Violin Irving Goh, the one who tunes the
orchestra Irving Goh, the Music Director on the NAC website
Irving Goh, is really the Irving Goh from MJC who leads a
life of obsequious worship of Derrida.

oh my so fascinating. and if eewei says he plays not bad, she means it. double oh my. it's freaky and exciting at the same time. how does someone like him exist in the world? I don't understand. a studying genius and a music genius? my my what kind of genes do his parents have that permutated and combined in this wonderful fashion to produce this nutcase of high IQ and talent? I cannot imagine. in fact it is nearly unfathomable. every new fact about irving is amazing. cannot take it. and we used to diss him as the lousy idiot with terrible hair who only goes on and on philosophising about utopia and all its ills and we pitied his wife dearly. heh. looks like the one carissa wanted to put a paper bag over has turned out to be a true genius huh. oh freaks upon freaks.

3) dir en grey saku PV. it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I mean I thought that it would be real gory or something to that extent, like obscure patterned. but it's actually not that bad. and kyo looks erm...well...ready to kill. with new lovely contact lenses which don't quite show the entire iris again, plus metal teeth and super rebonded hair (that's black!!) I suppose he's all out to devour some poor idiot again. oh and baka.dk says that there's an uncensored version of obscure PV. I really thought that I had the censored on already. now I know that the black screen that blocks out the screen except for this little square in the middle is actually the censored part. I thought it was just part of the artistic filming or something. worse it isn't. it's actually the censored part. I considered a while about whether I ought to start my bittorrent engine again to download the uncensored version which was released on bunko.ppn, but on second thoughts, with all the gore and what they called a mass geisha orgy, no.

4) hotarubi. I'm still listening to it. it's been playing for the last hour or so. it's just so nice. too nice to bear. in fact my new layout, named hotaru no shinya, is based on the song. initially I wanted to do like lying from you by linkin park on this really aikawa nanase lookalike picture of shinya but never really got down to doing it anyway. then later when I first downloaded machiavellism I wanted to use that instead of lying from you, but because of the new single I revived my craze over dir en grey once more and listened to hotarubi once more. and then that's it I decided I shall use hotarubi for a shinya picture. after all he wrote the lovely song so I should use it.

and then while searching for a lovely picture of fireflies in the night on google I came across tons of grave of the fireflies (hotaru no haka) pictures. and I was like ooooh that show nearly made me cry and wail at the end. in fact I still feel really sad when I think about the show. it's so upsetting. like when you see what happened and how the sister died. and shortly after her death the war was over and you know you feel like screaming out to the sister that she should have tried to live, just live a few more days and the war would be over and all would have been well. haiz.I generally don't quite advocate happy endings but this one was just too emotional. it's too sad. and the saddest part is that it's so true. so many civilians died like that. but in any war civilians die right? but think man. how do they die. did they deserve to die? how many died and would never go to heaven? think again.

5) time to study monopoly. there's a stupid consolidation exercise tomorrow and I really don't think poh poh lian can finish the last part of the notes in half an hour. I really don't think so. I mean they enjoy like placing the test after they finish the set of notes but at the rate poh poh lian goes we may never finish it tomorrow. and it wouldn't help that people are sure to stall for time so that it goes over like 30min and then she'll have to postpone the test or something. fat hope. they're good at forcing tests down, regardless of the next lecture. that's why you know sometimes these teachers somehow seem to believe that the whole school kinda exists just for their subject? as if we go to math school or econs school or something. I mean I looked at my sec 4 cca certificate and laughed my head off. it looked as though I belonged to band school or something. I mean I seemed to belong to band school then. the entire list was so long. longer than I thought. then after receiving it I thought through all the the stuffs I did, like all the performances and blah and I was like oooh...that was really quite a bit of stuff I did. at least the performances amounted to quite a number. and they hadn't included some of the vch performances and they didn't include our performance in japan either. ah what ever.

anyway that's that. 5 huge items. yeah. and I really like the pictures above. they looked so cute.