October 31st

happy halloween! ah that's not my point here. actually I just meant to blog all about yesterday. and I guess I'll try to just stick to writing about EVERYTHING that happened yesterday. simple right? yeah let's go.

morning I met lydia, then I went to meet carissa and vicky. heh. yeah we painted the town red. like real. the thing is, when I got to the mrt station I saw weeshan and cheeri...and they were like ohmygoodness it's her...am I scary? eh sometimes. ahaha. lousy juniors. my batch is one of the nicest (or rather we ARE the nicest) seniors and they are so darned scared. so silly. wait till I bring siying or somebody like that back. see how they die of trauma. anyway we wanted to watch shark tale so we walked over to cineleisure to get the tickets.

after that we went to eat. carr wanted bk and vicky wanted ljs, so how to decide? the oldest method ever used--scissors paper stone loh....so kiddish right. but who cares?! anyway carissa won. as usual. we went to bk and laughed about the kfc incident AGAIN. yeah the cheese fries cum weapon of mass destruction. so full of nonsense. but then again, that's why it's fun. so after that we crossed the road (and nearly banged straight into those juniors again) to heeren and went walking round in annexe. but then again there's nothing much to see there and my favourite shop is closed!! I don't know why. and I didn't feel like making carr and vicks wait while I look through misc*exclusive (although I really wanted to) and anyway they'll get doubly freaked out once more by the beautiful (and some terribly ugly) jrockers...ahaha.

and then we went to have our earthquake!!!! yayayayay! vicky's treat you see, so we must eat! ahaha. great logic we have right? so unfortunate adibah wasn't there. but she's fasting so we can't get her to come along with 3 little pigs right. how sad. at swensen's they were laughing about their seoul garden experience without me. because the 3 of them went to sg once without me for some reason (cannot remember why) and then they were offering food to the invisible me...so lame. and the soup full of egg boiled over. so vicky man. ahaha. we were laughing half of swensens' down really. and we must have fully utilised their 10% service charge. we had like so much water...and as usual we were playing with the dry ice AGAIN and making sure that the people in the kitchen would have hell trying to clean it up. hehheh. actually there was some more dry ice below which solidified in the water, but it refused to come out. carr and I banged at it so many times but it refused to break away. so we added more things! all the extra melted ice cream, the excess caramel, some nuts, the cherry stalks, LOTS of salt and LOADS of pepper!! and then carr wanted to add water but neither she nor vicky had much left. so I poured like half my glass in and we stirred the entire thing with all the crazy things inside!! at least this time it was just the stuff from the earthquake dish itself. I remember that time we went there for a proper meal I think, then even the parsley went in!! the kitchen people must have been cursing. well too bad. who asked them to treat us like nobodies just because we're students and don't give them as much business than the adults. money is money okay. be happy that we're still going to swensens' even though they treat us like that. when we went in the waitress came with the menu and opened them up to the ice cream page. after she walked away carr was like excuse me, do we have something written on our faces that we eat ice cream only??!! all of us were laughing like mad.

when we were done laughing and screwing up the earthquake dry ice bottle, it was still too early to go watch the movie, so we decided to walk around a bit. but vicks needed the toilet so we paid a visit to the crown prince hotel toilet. and their soap dispensers have sensors!! we were so fascinated. ahaha and it didn't like vicks! it refused to come out. but then again, the heeren toilet auto sensor tap didn't like me either, the stupid water refused to come out at all. so sickening.

so we took a walk across the road to taka, since we decided not to go into paragon where everything is sold in triple digits. it was better and more consoling to walk into somewhere else where there ARE things we can sort of afford. well at least better right? and I saw maril's sheepy there!!! I felt like buying one for myself. it's the cutest animal in the collection. but I looked at the colour and started laughing. I asked vicky if she remembered this sheepy, because I borrowed it from maril and hung it on my bag and brought it back to tkg for teachers' day. vicky was like erm....yeah.....eh....this sheep like erm cleaner ah....and both of us were like laughing away. like duhHHH.....ahahahahahaha...

finally it was time to get back to watch shark tale!!!! so nice that movie! go watch everybody!! go!! I don't care even though it's another fishy movie like nemo, it's funny! I mean never mind the fact that people will forever compare it with nemo, plus the fact that the fish look fishily like the ones from nemo, because duhh it's drawn by pixar, just go watch for some relaxation and fun. it's really funny man. even some of the awww parts which weren't supposed to be funny, were purposely MADE funny!! echo echo!! ahahha so vicks. the moment lenny did that carissa and I just couldn't stop laughing. not just the fact that it was funny how the silly shark did it but also because it reminded us of vicky! ahahaha! she's always doing the silliest things sometimes...

anyways we had lovely popcorn too...haven't eaten popcorn for a long long time. I remember that time I was in tampines with minrui and we were walking around for some reason (some band reason I believe) and then the popcorn smell was SO alluring I couldn't help but get a large sized pack of it. and not to mention I love salty popcorn. carr was like so disgusted. haha. and the last part of the movie was like darn funny. because I was STILL eating my popcorn and carr ate nachos and some lousy fish was like screaming something about still eating popcorn?? or something like that. then it added something like and that little piece of nachos??!! we simply cracked up man. so funny!!!

oh and you know when we were walking towards cineleisure to watch the movie, there was this beautiful but unfortunately bright yellow ferrari parked outside meritus mandrin..then there was this loser posing next to it and vicky was like asking why the heck is that felle posing with his own car?? carr and I turned and we were like it's not his car lah dodo...then we walked on and I saw rachel. heh. with sharon. and I was thinking that I would run into her. so amazing yeah, my premonition. yeah baby I know it is. *wink* ahahahahha.

so after shark tale I needed a drink, then we headed home, because it was getting a little late and vicky and I needed to get home for dinner. so we walked to orchard mrt station to take the train. we loitered in popular a bit for carr and then we went into the station. and at the faregate there was this caucasian woman (cannot use ang moh already right? ahaha) who was trying desperately to get the faregate to read her card. it seemed like no matter what she did the faregate light was always red and it refused to accept her card. anyway three of us just passed it and then carr started laughing. she was like do you know what card she's using?? vicky and I were like no...duhh...so carr was like she's using her isetan card or some credit card thingy!!! basically she was using the wrong card, thinking that as long as that card has money value stored in it then it can be used. so silly. but what to do?

and then something happened that I hasn't happened in a long time. I took the train the wrong direction!! I haven't done that for some years already! goodness me. I'm so used to going to city hall, so I always take the train toward jurong east...but yesterday I was heading to dhoby ghaut, so I should have taken toward marina bay! so dumbass right. in the end I reached home at like 2000 instead of my predicted 1930. and mother was like ah girl I told you not to come home late right?!but ahh never mind...

I realised that my day has taken up a lot of space. I'm not feeling any extreme mood now so there's nothing much I have to say for now. perhaps later I might have things to add. but...later lah hor. heh having sore throat now...must be the laughing and earthquake....haiz...

the divine wind loses its divinity @ 1610

October 29th

(stop the young from dying in the war - jay chou

light, as light as paper
light, scattered across the land
light, he panicks as the applause fades
he is singing, with injuries that cannot be fathomed, the script is onstage
acts out the last scene
and, all the villagers are seated, looking on quietly
how time will abandon this stage
the battlefire dirtied his tears
who's that in the wind, demanding for sweets
from the start this story has so much dust on its lens that it screens out the sunlight
fear is marked on the childrens' faces
the wheat has been moved toward where the army truck goes
the shape of the dandelion, floats away, its hopeless wings
all she wants and can sing is the song to stop the young from dying in the war
the evil night lights the candles; at daybreak the war begins
the dead childrens' song travels thousands of mile; the village is abandoned and hungry
innocence on this road, knocks and bumps
he is cut by the grass
the hope in the eyes of the children--what form does it take?
whether they'll have bread for breakfast when they wake up and a bowl of hot soup?
the farmers whose land is destroyed have taken up their weapons with the rest of the village
but he has slowly gotten used to giving up his defence
the hope in the eyes of the children--what form does it take?
whether there's a swing to swing on 
or if their pockets have sweets? the shine of the knife has been polished by hatred
and causing riots in the distant land, but he smiles and doesn't seem to be worried)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

what was my agenda again? dreaminess, samuel, avril. school today. shiyun and mae. then MORE avril.

check out the blue parts man. told you my day doesn't start without her. ahhaa no lah. just kidding. smiles. anyway I must carry on about my dreaminess. honestly I don't quite think I've seriously woken up yet. perhaps it does take me to get retained huh. daddy was like this kind of grades you want to go U??! I was like aiyah of course like that cannot lah...he was like uh huh good you know ah girl...better work harder next year or you find yourself nowhere. yeah darling daddy I know that. but you know somehow I just don't seem to bother that much. like I simply believe that I'll get through. somehow. ahaha. am I conceited? perhaps huh. either that or I simply love living in my silly little childhood fantasies. you know when I was young I really had this idea that I was darned smart. ah actually I am...ahaha. but really. I always thought they I'm pretty intelligent and I'll get lovely grades all my life through. honest. dreamer. dream on. ah cliche cliche, pride comes before a fall. it's quite true you know. my grades were so unstable in secondary school I couldn't believe it. I didn't believe it would happen. yeah my humanities looked absolutely horrid in lower sec and I thought heyhey it's just because I'm starting out...but obviously as some of you know it didn't work out that way. and it still doesn't anyway. but I don't seem to wake up. AHHHH!!! wakey wakey!!

which brings me to samuel. oh yeah. new friend of mine. although he only knows me as that horrid little girl who's the ultimate wet blanket/party pooper/killjoy, I don't quite care. crystal always remembers him as the felle who smiled at us on the 72 that day. she was like that guy's from our school right?? I was like yeah his name's samuel and he's from band as well as a202. like how the heck did I know that much? haha. don't worry I wouldn't stalk him for the life of me. it's just that it's so in my nature to bitch and gossip and I sort of know who this person is and that person (especially if you're from the arts faculty) and all the good and bad stuff. mostly bad really. terrible right. but what to do. hobby lah. haha.

anyway saw him again today with mae and shiyun and eva and anthony (I think that's his name). he's still thinking of who the heck will help him get retained. so extreme you know. people like wk get promoted and she feels like going. joyce and fahna can retain but they're going straight to poly. and then here comes samuel who's dying to retain. I give up.

okay. we'll leave avril to the VERY VERY last okay? end my day!! ahh....sorry my dearest mae you will not understand what I feel. so let's get on with school today first alright?

right. morning. came in earlier than usual with crystal. as usual. we took the earlier 53 to school and there wasn't 2 53s at a time again. so sad. but it doesn't really matter, so long as I get to school on time. serious. the ride's not really that long honestly, I mean when you've stood your entire jouney home at peak hour for 45 minutes, being in a slightly less packed bus for 15 minutes is really okay. went to the hall for assembly, had that oh so heart striking announcement that the chemistry a level practical was today and we went for math. yeah squash in lt 4 with everyone else. and then I came to this realisation. previously, about 800 students took math. now they can squash us into the 600 seater lt 4. get it?

free period, recess, clao. sigh. I knew avril was to report by 11am and so when tan wanyi let us have a break at exactly 11am I mooted out with crys. terrible. otherwise I would never have moved. honest. usually I'm too lazy and I didn't really need the toilet anyway. I'm always using people yah. terrible child.

then it was lit...econs...zzz..oops. wake up. ate lunch, said hi to the whole bunch mentioned earlier, continued with pw, and it wasn't too bad today. I mean the usual weird tension wasn't so bad. although our 'rehearsal' wasn't what I expected but okay. then after that I went looking for mae. ah she came looking for me first really. then I asked her to accompany me. then she asked me if I'm waiting for avril.

how to put it? honestly I wasn't thinking of that. I just wanted to sit and talk to her again like yesterday. and anyway shiyun was there with this other girl (so paiseh didn't get her name) and they're all nicee people and I thought it isn't too bad sitting down and spending time with nice people right? but of course poor dear mae was like wait then wait loh....then it reminded me of the time I made maril wait with me. that one was a really planned wait. and we saw her in the end anyway. so funny right. yeah it's the one where I went to white sands with maril and thunder struck because she was there at white sands too.

mae didn't mind waiting. and obviously, neither did I. okay the next part is hard. really. listen, last night I gave her a call okay. YES I KNOW I WASN'T SUPPOSED TO CALL HER....but I realised what I missed most about her. it isn't so much her presence, as in physically, nor her looks (face it. she ain't pretty). so?

it's her voice.

really. I just like to talk to her. and you know everytime I think of what in the world avril sounds like this favourite phrase of hers simply comes to mind. yeah what else right? sian cik puah. hahahhaa. or aka sianed in half. smile. can hear it ringing in my head. and sometimes I find myself saying it too. and saying it in the way she does. oh dear. I do miss her don't I. ah like duhh...

ah actually it's unfair to say she's not pretty. ahaha. oh dear. you know mae was like saying something like I make everything about avril sound good. like all the bad points get somehow skewed into good and the good points are like MAGNIFIED. yeah magnified was the word she used. but I'm pretty serious about this. there are some people who honestly look better without specs. she's one of them. you know with her specs on she looks something like her brother but actually the two of them take after two different parents. like avril looks like daddy and jo looks like mummy. so honestly they shouldn't really look alike. only without the glasses. heh

oh my I realised I just spent an entire paragraph on avril's face. anyways I talked to her last night. I meant to just drop a good luck but didn't expect to really talk to her for like the next hour and a half. hee. but not that I really minded...ahaha. stop smiling you stupid idiot!!!!

breathe in, breathe out. I'm not done. yeah. so mae and I waited, and I really really hoped that it wouldn't be as futile as the wait with maril. well, it wasn't. smile. she came out, or rather I spotted christine and kah woon first, then serena and the rest came out. honestly when we had pw meeting behind the lt I shift 3 was going in. I saw wensi. fiona went to the toilet at e block. they were lined up at c block. I didn't know whether I should have gone to say my good luck. I really don't. I didn't obviously. but...never mind. anyway she came out, then her gang got like stuck at the study benches nearer the general office, while I was on the other end of the same bunch of benches, just nearer the lts. and you know it's as if they were there, standing, waiting for me...fat hope. mae said call her over lah. I was like uh a bit weird right. then she was oh yah. so she said go talk to her lah! then wait here so long for what??

and you know at that moment I really don't know why, but I lost every single bit of confidence I always had. you know everytime I saw avril I would go up to her automatically. when she sat there obviously studying for her math test I would disturb her. when she was coming my way up the corridor I would walk into her way. when she was in the toilet I forgot my classmates and went into the toilet. so what happened today? I seriously do not know. honest. I was telling mae, accompany meee!!!! pei wo!!! pLEASE!!!!! I tell you mae was like HUH??? she asked me for a reason. I was like just go with me....shiyun was like she's asking you why she must accompany you, not why it's her to accompany you.

seriously at that point in time I didn't know why. I just wanted to talk to avril but I really didn't have the guts to go over. and I really don't know why till now. and then in the end I think mae really pitied me because she knew I was like DYING to go over but strangely wanted and needed her accompaniment and so she was like AH okay lah okay lah! I was smile smile yayayayayaya smile...so we went over.

don't ask me why okay. DON'T ask me why. but when we went over, I brought the little straw that shiyun gave me (the star I was making was nearly complete in fact) and then I was like smiles...she was like don't ask. I know darling....I know. but goodness knows WHAT got into me today. I was just standing there, and I barely said ANYTHING in fact, but my hand was holding the little straw and it was shaking and shaking and shaking and I nearly couldn't put the end in. and my heart was going faster and faster and faster I tell you it's faster than when I meet the guy I like man. there's some problem somewhere. I'm very serious.

after that she was like chao been face and said she wanted to go home. so I let her go...

then slowly the heartbeat slowed down, and I couldn't stop smiling. oh the shaking stopped. not to worry. it stopped after a while. mae was screaming like for that FEW MINUTES! like that also SHUANG!!! honestly, it was more than I bargained for. I didn't even expect to see her today. which is basically why I called her last night. heh. really did miss her very very much.

yeah go ahead. call me sick. call me weird. call me obsessed. I don't care. there are people I love too much in this world and it's so hard on myself. sometimes I wonder why I do it anyway. maril thinks it's such a lovely emotion that you can love someone like this. such madness. she isn't the only one I love or miss, but it's just that she dominates the entire thing. mae asked me hey does she know you love her this much? I was like duhh no...then mae asked if she knows I treat her like my bestest friend, and whether she regards me the same way too. I was like really duhh no....and whether she regards me the same, I don't really know. I know she loves me too and therefore it isn't one sided, but it is obviously not balanced. so sad huh. or actually it's good that it isn't balanced. otherwise I tell you we'd probably leave everything aside and don't give two shits about life and just sit down and find time for one another. very dangerous actually.

eight paragraphs on avril. that's it. I'm stopping. must burn the cds for maril and clara. now.

avril says:
ok lar....i muz go do chem le....
avril says:
i will take forever to do
15th October ~ love avril day says:
orh....
avril says:
ok....bye bye
15th October ~ love avril day says:
bubbaiz.....
avril says:
gd nite n u take care k.....!

you have no idea what the last line did for me. no idea.

never.

the divine wind loses its divinity @ 0047

October 27th

you know just now I was taking some time to read some people's blogs. let me see. I was at maril's, rathika's, sufi's and joel's. oh and meida's. 5 blogs at one shot. you know somehow I like reading sufi's blog. not because of him okay. or actually partly. arrrgh. I still don't really know if it's gone. I told mae it's gone. I told myself it HAS to go. did it? I'm still not very sure.

anyway BACK TO MY POINT. I was reading all these people's stuff and I realised that they are always talking about normal stuffs like pw and promotion and fun stuff they did over the weekend and things like that. oh and all the silly things they did and how much fun they had. then they'll rant about how lucky they were to promote and that their friends go up too and everything. and then they'll continue like with their holiday plans and stuff like that. oh and not to mention multiple complaints about op dry runs. then I thought about my own blog. like the stuff I talk about. what do I talk about anyway, primarily?

avril. avril. avril. account of school. my angst. my rage. my depression. avril.

can you tell something? it's nothing really really normal? I'm always about all the things that upset me, the way it upsets me, how I expressed my upset-ness and things like that. it's never like WOOHOO we completed the lousy shit WR or oh yay I got promoted. neither is it a lot on sigh op coming and still not perfect. none of these in fact. it's more of my to hell with school and everything and everyone in it and the fact that I'm upset, I have nothing to blog so therefore I decide to just briefly run through the day. yeah other people run through their day too but somehow they pick out this particular event(s) and laugh or bitch about it. I simply account the ENTIRE damn day. you know my entire timetable after that.

then again I think to myself, why in the world do I want to have a blog like others? what's wrong with my dear special bloggie wonderfully and aptly named Girls, be ambitious with everything in small letters except for the word I...and of course whatever I wish to emphasise. and I do not use short hand or short forms in general. honestly I don't really know why I do that. but if you check out my emails and blog entries, I simply refuse to use all the sms language. and as for the small lettering? I really don't know why. I just think that it looks nice like this. and why the word I in caps? hey hey good question. is it my ego? or actually I just think it looks better. more mature looking. rather than someone who just puts there i myself and i. looks absolutely horrid really. ahaha.

and you know I seldom tell you what I'm listening to now? well sometimes it's because I'm so full of emotions that I refuse to even listen to anything. yeah I know several people who can't live without some music going on in the background but trust me I can. I don't know. some days I just hate to click the realplayer button and start the playlist running. sometimes I'm in the mood for very very different sorts of songs. and sometimes it's better that I don't listen to anything at all. like some days I think it's honestly a good day to slam my head around listening to linkin park or something but when I come to think of it, I decide not to listen to lp after all because it only fuels my rage and makes things worse. and sometimes the song I listen to makes me more depressed than I already am. perhaps you're wondering, what about listening to cute and happy songs, since the songs you listen to seem to swing your mood so hard?

please. I don't listen to happy songs.

I don't even know if I have any in this computer. good question huh. serious. the comp's full of my angsty or cranky or madness songs. most of them are pretty depressing in many different ways. I don't know.

you know I think I don't have much time left to blog anymore. but I must say a few things. some things that I wanted to blog about since yesterday, and today's stuff. yesterday....what happened.

let's see about it. ah actually nothing much yesterday. just that we skipped chinese lecture and got a little talking to from ms k. and everyone was rolling eyes. actually I don't really know why I skipped. well other than the fact that I didn't do chinese and I simply cannot stand mdm chua's voice. ah actually those are like the greatest factors. they add so much. anyway chinese will be OVER after next friday. no more scm! ah actually if you ask me I don't really hate him as much as joyce and crys and wk. maybe because he doesn't scold me for anything. ah well it's not that he's really a lousy teacher. and neither is he really superbly annoying. I mean take a look at tan wanyi. now THAT'S annoying.

enough. then I went for tuition. haven't gone for a long time. she told me a lot of stuff. but better not put here. I promised her I wouldn't say anything. and I think I should keep my mouth shut. for once. I'm always having some strange hole in my mouth somewhere when it comes to certain things. and I don't know why. it's sort of true. I can't really keep secrets properly sometimes. and that's not too good right? yeah.

today. today was a good day. or at least I thought so. it started with a free period, and I went talking to mae and shiyun!! ahaha. they're such lovely people. then eva came along and she got promoted! or at least advanced that is. like whatever. the two girls were so scared for eva and they were so worried that she'll do something crazy if she didn't go up. I was kinda scared too. I mean these are nicee people whom I really hope can go up and STAY up...then went for lit, laughed a lot about ms k again (ah sup's forte man) and then the papers came back. or rather, just paper 1 came back. sickening people. but I couldn't care less. I know I passed and that's all I care about. after that was recess and I went looking for mae.

guess what? they're already planning for next year's chinese new year's concert! my goodness. talk to me about kiasu. this is classic. they want the proposal in by something like 12th of november or something like that. that's like freakily fast. and that's super crappy. but who cares. then after that went for supposed math. went in and found our new lecturer.

ahaha it was lai lai. yeah she had a little talk again. then we proceeded to f4-2 for our results. ah yeah I passed and promoted. like what ever. I don't know. I'm still dreaming. I think. then after school went to talk talk with mae. what a lovely session. unfortunately it wasn't long enough. still feel like I need to pour out a little more. actually I think it was going to be long enough initially, but then later samuel came in and oh man he's woken up. he actually wants to get retained and get a second chance because he's finally realised that some things cannot be taken for granted and that a levels are so different from o levels and miracles don't always work. well in a way it's good, because honestly his dreaminess was worse than mine. I mean I know it takes a lot more to pass nowadays than before. samuel was like ahh never mind something good will happen and somehow by the grace of God he'll get through.

rubbish.

I used to think that way. honest. I thought that way for a long long time. but that was like back in secondary school and all. and then I woke up a little little bit after sec 3 because I failed like half my subjects and my l1r5 was standing at something like 26??

and now I cannot blog anymore because sister is here. continue tomorrow. darn. agenda = my dreaminess, more samuel and LOTS more avril. oh and my latest favourite song, zhi zhan zhi shang

the divine wind loses its divinity @ 2327

October 25th

I had a lot on my mind just now. then it kind of went away. perhaps I'll just roughly go through what's happened these couple of days and perhaps all the feelings and anger will come flooding back and rush in torrents. so violent. heh. like I care. tis MY blog.

yesterday...sucked. ah well at least I let it suck for a while. first things first, ahaha I sang Awesome God too fast in the morning. but hey some people thought it was cool. good huh? tracy thought it was supposed to be a rap man. and that's not bad. but I really like the lyrics. I mean who the heck cares how you sing it as long as you mean it isn't it??

then after that I had no bible study so I slacked around with sister to wait for sarah. then actually I was thinking of just skipping lunch with sis and the rest and hop down to macs to meet up for pw. then sis was like never mind lah eat with us. then I calculated and thought yeah there's some time. so anyways I did eat with sister and sarah and a whole lot of people. and of course I was late. ahaha. I got there like what, 15-20 minutes late and I realised they weren't there. I tell you that sinking feeling (sinking ah, not wrenching) was so HEAVY I called clara. and what did she say AGAIN when she realised it was me?

oh SORRY SORRY SORRY!!

forgot to inform me. she said she and fiona weren't free so they pushed it to morning. and after explaining all that, and I could clearly hear like fiona's voice in the background, she went on with her

I'm SO SO SO SORRY! SO SORRY!

did I ever tell you that I hate that word? DID I EVER???? you know I must have said like a thousand sorries to that prawn over the past 4 years that I've forgotten what that stupid word means. you know the other time when mr nathan caught me not paying attention, he called me out after the lecture and was like asking me stupid things like girl you think you'll do well for GP? and then he went on and on (can't really remember anymore so long ago...)but I remembered this particular thing he said. he asked me, if a teacher comes along and scolds me like this, I shouldn't be stoning there, but should say one thing. I was like say what. he said

say SORRY.

bloody hell. say sorry. YOUR HEAD AH SAY SORRY! so what if I decide to tell you sorry? what stupid difference would it have made? would it be better if I told him sorry and then I didn't pay attention again or I quietly allowed him to scold and didn't do it again? you think sorries solve everything and anything? are you out of your mind or what? I cannot stand that word. don't use it if you don't mean it. and if you say you mean it you'd better. otherwise I'll slit your throat and force you to erase that accursed word from your stinking vocabulary.

you know I typed that paragraph so fast. ARRGHHH. anyway, clara's lucky for two things. first, that white sands ain't far from home, and two, I had lunch. my sister saved me man. as she always does. anyway after that I went home irritatedly and decided to rant on someone. actually I called avril but I just somehow knew she wasn't in. and of course she wasn't. so yeah I called maril and ranted and ranted and ranted and ranted and ranted until her sis needed the phone. so awww...but it was good enough. after that I banged like SHIT on the piano (poor daddy's ears) and read the newspapers and promptly went to sleep.

had nice macs dinner with sister (again!) and we talked and talked about all the sucky things in life and how irritatingly similar our sucky experiences were and all that. yeah. and laughing at people. ah well. then walked home after that. so fun. I love my sister...

right. which brings us to today. and what happened today? went for clao (which reminds me, supposed to do chinese homework) then it was recess, and I hung around the atrium with my pw group nowhere to be seen

AGAIN.

never mind. meida and I went for econs. where were they? nowhere once more. NEVER MIND. after that there was one free period before math. meida and I slacked in the atrium and we talked hell lot of things. things that I've kept to myself, or rather, never told anyone in the class. and I found out that I'm not alone in a few aspects. first, heh farhana also doesn't like fiona. heh. so mean right? like searching for people to join your hate club. well it's not that I really hate her but there's some times when you just feel like telling to f off and shut up because you're not always right and stop telling people off when you're no better, you POT calling kettle black. so irritated. can tell right. yeah, then meida also was telling me that YES there IS a problem with clara fiona and jolyn. weird bunch of girls. no not weird. just difficult. meida was saying something about them being very surface people and she suspects if the three, or at least if fiona and clara are honestly good friends. I smiled at meida and told her one simple word.

no.

they're not just surface friends, certainly not hi-bye friends, not accquaintances, but yet sort of confidantes. so complicated eh? like as if they're friends and yet not quite. so what are they? I call these kind of 'friends' topical friends. what ARE topical friends? they are people whom you can talk to and NEVER seem to stop and get all excited about BUT...

you only talk about a certain topic(s).

ahaha. anti-climax huh. but I'm sure everyone out there has such people around them. it's just how many and what you talk about. yeah there are people whom I can only talk about jrock to, there's some whom I talk about school to and only school, there were some who only talked band to me, and there's some who just talk lame shit to me. and I think that's darn sad. I mean I don't call such people good friends. do you? I don't. definitely not. even just good friends or not bad friends go deeper than that. it's so sad that all clara and fiona seem to talk about is fashion, shopping and boyfriends. I mean that's all I see. and it's the same with clara and jolyn. ah all three of them. or maybe they DO talk deeper and diversified outside but I wouldn't know that. and ANYWAY...moving on...

we went for math, and hey hey they appeared! meida gave me that knowing look and I was like yah yah I know...and after math meida went off while answering a phone call and I went looking for them in the front rows. and then they were like OH YOU'RE HERE!!! I nearly rolled my eyes. thank goodness I didn't. fiona was like where were you...I was like thinking duhh...but I said I was in the atrium. then she gave that orh. I was thinking you REALLY didn't know or you're FAKING that you didn't know. so irritating. so pissified. then anyway fiona went home to print the written report since that accursed thing is due today. and then I went to the library with clara and wk to make myself slightly more useful. I did anyway. and then later norvin came in and clara and wk went to eat. I wasn't feeling very well and I didn't have much appetite really so I told them I'd stay and type out the entire biblio and they can go eat. after that they came back and then after that clara and fiona went to pass up the wr and I went home.

I was a little hungry by then but I didn't feel like eating canteen food. so I thought I'd just buy something from hougang south area or something. then in the end I got there and walked through the entire place and nothing looked good. saw wk and danny though. and I was wondering where in the world wk was flying to man...so I walked on to the other hawker centre, but nothing really appealed. then I went past macs and honestly NOTHING looked good. so I walked on and on...then I walked past all the usual coffeeshops and nothing appealed at all. in fact I was looking so zombiefied...and then I realised that I'd reached the junction and there wasn't any more food available between that place and home so I thought ahh just go home and find something. yeah I ate maggi mee in the end. I wanted to call someone. so duhh I called vril although knowing that she wouldn't be at home really...then I didn't really feel like calling anyone else. I mean most of them would be rushing pw or something and I don't enjoy talking to meida over the phone. her house has too much madness to talk properly. and I'm beginning to miss avril again...not that I didn't miss her these days, but the feeling wasn't so bad. you know I tried calling her yesterday, today, despite having completely NO premonition and against my promises not to call her. I don't know. it's just that

I need somebody and always...

I was so moody this afternoon. not that I'm particularly happy now but better already. maril told me to just bear with those people for another week...yeah just another week. op must be on the last day right...but meida was like no point flaring up too right? and I thought to myself, well yah. that's why you know when clara asked me for my blog address this afternoon I just smiled and said no it's not good for you to read. I explained by saying I write a lot of stuff that some people ought never to read, and I'm terribly explicit and all names are down. so I was like nono...and she was like eh....you write about me issittt...I gave her that dramatic OH NO HOW YOU KNOW??!! but honestly that's sort of why I don't want her to read. not now. not when my pw is on the verge of finishing and I don't want things to blow up. because if clara reads this sort of thing she'll pass it on. and then it'll go on VERY fast and I hate the tension. arrrgh. don't know lah.

like when did I know anything?? you know I was thinking uhhhh miss avril a lot a lot...and so I just decided to check my msn again..and AHAHAHA she's there!!! oh gosh. so happy now!!! so high!!! oh dear. just now I was so upset and everything and then she comes along and I'm high. and you know I was thinking about her before I began this entry, and my realplayer was running and it was playing this song and I was like oooooh dear...because I had this incredible urge to put it down here. and here it is going.

"My Immortal"

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

haiz. need to stop this. you know how it is. when it's so lovely yet it hurts. you know when you wish someone were here yet you know you'll cry when that person leaves. and then you wonder to yourself if it was such a good idea to have that person here in the first place. I've done that to avril a few times. and sometimes I wonder if seeing her helped anything at all. or did it make things worse. ah well.

thanks for your mail again maril. made a whole lot of difference. because I didn't feel so upset anymore. yeah it really doesn't take much to make me happier...yah all it takes is for avril to sign in right??! so simple. don't know why some people think it's difficult. ahaha.

I am no longer coherent. lost all my angst. all avril's fault!! ahaha. no lah it's quite good for me. no point in me being so angry about everything right. oh and losing the little sanity I have left. no point. I always tell myself no point in this, no point in that, so don't do that...but I still do anyway. because no matter how irrational and pointless some things seem to be, it's part of human nature. you can't seem to avoid it. I think I need to like stop here. otherwise I'll never finish. and it's getting late. and I really ought to allow avril to complete her chem. haiz. the things I should and shouldn't. mariam was like saying first priority is shopping! because I was like first priority is sleeping! but honestly if you're as screwed as me first priority is always changing and is never right. go sleep. really. don't fret so much. remember?

no point...

the divine wind loses its divinity @ 2357

October 23rd

okay I won't talk much today. I don't have that much time nor inspiration. or rather, muse. all I can say is that I am freakily bored these couple of days because there is like absolutely no one to talk to on MSN. okay not that there's no one, but there's no one I want to talk to. see the difference? I should have people to talk to tomorrow, or at least I believe vicky will be there, but we'll see how long the pw meeting takes tomorrow. oh and guess what. we seem okay again. so stupid right. so now I seriously do not know whether it's my incredible paranoia or she's simply weird like what clara said. great right? after I've gone one whole round and endured staring games it comes to this. oh joy.

never mind that. there are some things that you shouldn't ponder about too long. or at least I know that's rather detrimental to health. I was so pissed for like 3 days in a row and because I haven't done that for such a long time I felt so tired of doing that. so today I decided to be happier. let's hope I can keep it up for the next couple of days. that's about all we'll need really. then after the 9th I don't have to care anymore. so sickening. last day. but never mind. at least you know it's coming. yeah baby it's coming. you should know my by now right...I hate waiting for things to happen. I like them to COME. come darlings, COME. OP won't kill me surely. ahaha. my presumtuousness acting up again. who cares?

thanks maril for your mail. nice one. haven't received such a mail/letter for such a long time. that's kinda why I miss my best friend so much. you know these couple of weeks I've been writing letters to her and I decided to compile everything that I've written and then pass it to her when we have dinner someday, some weekend somehow...but as I read them again (I have this disgusting habit don't I) I realised that the top of the letter which says 'eewei' can really be happily replaced with 'dear diary'. heh. really. it's nearly there. well that wasn't my original idea of my letters but it turned out like that. and some of the stuff I wrote turned up on this blog. like super heh. can't help it right. and now some of maril's mail will end up here.

I like that word you know girl. that word. looking for it for some time now. just couldn't think of it.

SOULMATE

yeah baby SOULMATE. yeah take note of the colour. ahaha. it's the blue I use everytime I mention something important or wish to emphasise something about avril. ahaha. you know mae and I was talking about ahem welson again the other day. mae was moaning something about how welson and darryl seem to have incomprehensible conversations. and I was telling her that perhaps because they're such good friends, after some time there isn't a real need to communicate in true proper explicit sentences and thus sometimes good friends just give each other a little smile or a roll of the eyes and it says so much. even the silliest chuckle or the truly sianed in 1/2 look says so much. ah provided you're people who can read each other. or in general, good friends can sort of do that right? yeah. you get my point. I must stop rattling and prattling so much about my madness. really. madness.

"Mad World"

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world ... world
Enlarge your world
Mad world

so utopia paper ah. where everything isn't what it should be and everything ain't what it seems to be anymore and people are simply killing themselves without knowing. sigh. so sad right. the decadence. ah must not use that word. reminds me a lot of mazohyst of decadence. yeah the unborn babies. even more upsetting really. you know I remember that day when mother suddenly asked sister and I if we've watched the abortion video, which I think is entitled the silent cries or something like that, and sister and I said

yeah duh, especially if you're from a girls' school

heh. mother was amused. but sister and I say the same things simultaneously now and then anyway. and it's true that we've really watched that video. duhh. mother was horrified by the description of it. sister and I told her more and she was like

okay okay!! enough enough!!

heh. oh and tingyu was watching happy tree friends. haha. it seems like the people at yfc have just sort of discovered it. angela was like you all know it's gory AND STILL WATCHING...you all pretending that it's gross right...

well in my honest opinion, it's not that we're pretending that it's gross. it's gross and gory and bloody and all definitely, but we just don't get as disgusted at it as we ought to be. in fact carissa and her mother believe that site to be educational and avril and I have lots of fun singing the silly theme song. heh. it's just our superb immunity toward these evil things. so sad right. to think about it. when we ought to have been the sweet innocent kids who go oh dear at nuclear weapons and oh no at massacres and what a pity at victims of war and eeewww at the brutal treatments of POWs and such. but do we? like not anymore right. I guess we did when we were young. like blood was ohhhhhhhh. now it's oooooooooh. see the difference? and how somehow more and more kids out there are more interested in the angsty and depressing suicidal lyrics of the rock (and even non rock) music arena today. of course there are still those weird (see what I mean) kids who still go awwww at silly songs like love, me and I wanna grow old with you and all those crazy sentimental 'sweeeeet' songs...like ROLL EYES. I've been overly exposed to angst huh. too much abuse, hate, cuttings, trauma, separation, pills, death. way too much. I'm supposed to bother. but it's so hard huh. even the music I listen to sounds depressing by itself. don't add the lyrics. honestly the music by itself is so disheartening sometimes the lyrics don't make a difference. haha.especially my incredible research project on my darling dir en grey lyrics. gosh. now I'm so stuck on these crazy life problems angsty stuff. I mean when kyo said that none of his lyrics will ever have a happy ending he meant it alright. it takes so much to even find those few that someone doesn't die in.somebody's nearly always dead in his songs. how they die is another matter altogether. some of the dying methods shouldn't be told in public. haha.

did I just say in the beginning that I haven't much to say today? ahaha. so wrong huh.

the divine wind loses its divinity @ 2356

October 22nd

feeling better today. still a bit pissed but okay already. in fact I shouldn't think about it anymore. yeah? relax vril I'm fine. no need to drink bu shuang or lower the temperature. the rain is pouring out there on and on and on and on and the only thing I think of is the following song...

(the rain keeps falling and the ambience is not exactly the best
living under the same roof, you slowly realise that your heart is changing
you love him, and perhaps your love carries some hate
wasted half of your youth, just to play this game with him
just when you wanted to leave him, he appears with fresh flowers
he says lovely sweet things, and puts you in a spot
is it beyond imagination? your beautiful dream shatters in a moment
why were you so silly before, with your determination to marry him?
it's because of your deep love that now you blame him
even if you cannot bear it, break off your relationship 
because it's like a cliff where there's no turning back
it's because of your deep love that you've allowed him his way
even if it breaks your heart, let it go
unless you've forgotten the hurt from loving him, and become numb to it
stop struggling because of him, stop carrying a torch for him
from now on, don't bother about who he loves, or if he's happy, that's his problem)

dear mae,

I am unable to call you. or rather, I'm unable to call you and talk long, so I decided to tell you everything on my blog instead, which is easier anyway. because I can type real fast and even if I decide to cry I can cry and type at the same time but I can't cry and talk at the same time. make sense? heh.

first of all. why was I pissed yesterday right? well the thing is that in the morning, the first lecture was math, and clara fiona and weekhee were all in the lt with me. norvin didn't come. he's sick. still sick really. then after that they promptly disappeared. I thought perhaps they wanted to pon lecture in the library or something. then during recess crystal said that wee khee went to do pw. and that means I'm supposed to have pw also right? because wk is in my group. but I was like never mind...then later the lectures went on and they were still missing. after lit I used kur's phone to call them. NONE of them wanted to pick up the phone. then we all went for gp lecture and clara messaged. she said that fiona and wk were at HER house doing PW. I breathed DEEP in and DEEP out...kur also gave me that weird look. then I asked kur if I could message back and she said yeah go ahead. so I messaged this VERY KIND MESSAGE saying

hey why never tell me? you guys need me to go over too??

then it was crys' turn to give me the weird look. and she replied with an equally kind message. she said it's okay it's okay, no need to come over. so sorry never tell you. like thanks. tell me my dear girl, am I like

DAMN HARD TO FIND????

I'm always in the atrium. right? I'm always in the canteen or somewhere duh. like how hard is it to find me? how big is the school? I'm always with almeida, or crystal or joyce or SOMEBODY for nuts sake. please. I was like super irritated. I mean hey although it's true I don't really particularly enjoy doing pw but if you people want to do and everything please tell me. it's not fair that you all go and do everything. then clara also said that she'll send me the file and everything for me to look through. look through. thanks a lot.

later I learnt that there was actually supposed to be an OP dry run today, but of course we all know now that it's been pushed to tomorrow. but yesterday crys said it was today, so last night I gave a call to clara asking for the file, which is the powerpoint presentation for the op. then clara said it wasn't done yet because she went for netball training. it doesn't quite make sense does it. those three girls went missing from second period onwards or so and they haven't finished?

today it made sense. I asked wk hey what did you people do yesterday at clara house? her reply? oh we watched cartoon dvds and vcds. thanks A LOT. now I know why clara isn't done yet. because their so-called gathering at clara's house wasn't to do pw. or at least they didn't end up doing pw. and that just sucks. but I decided to forget about it. I mean no point bothering right?

then today was like oh dear. honestly my pw group is okay. I mean I'm much luckier than many out there whom I know constantly fight with their pw mates and everything but I don't. which is so much better right? but today don't know lah...I guess because everyone's tired of this thing called pw and they just want to get it over and done with and school's so sian and boring and everything and the weather's so darned nice to sleep in and we still had to go to clara's house to do the final WR and the OP slides. and the thing was that we were having another crazy argument over this particular comment at the side made by ms k I think and the conversation nearly went nowhere. then after a while we stopped, we considered some ideas and everything and tried to come up with something we could all agree on. but obviously that didn't happen and we continued our little rather civilised, really, little fight. ah well. then it's just the usual actually, where we'll just sort of quarrel a little and then try to focus, then go off point again and then focus again, and somehow or another we'll get to some conclusion. but goodness knows why norvin snapped today and he was like screaming at fiona or something and after that she screamed back at him and it's like the two of them sounded like they were going to cry or something. it's like clara wk and I just shut up after that. there was this long and painful silence man. so weird. I mean it's true that although we don't fight bad and our fights end up with conclusions and laughter, of all the people to snap it had to be norvin and after that we didn't really know what to do. and ahhh.. don't really know what to say. it's never been like that before. did their relationship really affect pw that much? I don't know. don't want to bother.

anyway actually that's what I really wanted to call you about, but we ended up having a really sad talk about people. yeah? hey darling don't be sad okay. I know next year may be a really hard year to endure but hey you're not the only one going through it.

you know today (well yesterday too) I went to the drinks stall and didn't know what in the world to drink. then suddenly I realised something. I haven't drunk ribena in ages. it hurts to drink it honestly but I would give the world to drink it today. although I drank ribena at clara's house in the end, I just miss that silly little packaging that I enjoy blowing up, and she enjoys flattening. I don't know what I'll do next year. I really don't. yeah you said that I have meida. oh yeah I do. it's not that she isn't one of my good friends, and it's not that it's difficult to talk to her. and in fact she's the one I sort of bank myself on in class. but I still love her the most you know. I don't know why. and if you really want to know, I love you and maril more than meida and I don't know why either. somehow lah. there are just some things that I can tell people and I can't bring myself to tell others. there are just some people that are different from the others. some bring reality back, some take reality away.

you know I'm in such a bad mood now...but I'm talking to avril and she knows I'm feeling damn angry. she doesn't know why but somehow you know she still makes me smile. and it doesn't help that I'm listening to I miss you (blink 182) again...I don't know.

when the tears fall...let them go.

your lao gong

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

don't cry you silly girl. why are you always like that. so idiotically sentimental and emotional. you know avril's finished with crying--I just started. it's like vril cried too much when she was young, and now her tears are like dried up. but I cried too little when I was young, I tried so hard not to. and now I can't stop. should have cried more when I was young right. then perhaps I would have been more accepting and stronger today. but too bad. I cried so little. I tried to be strong, to tell myself that there's nothing to cry about. in fact all the things I cried about when I was young was merely to either seek pity or just a momentary gush of feelings. but now that I've grown up so much, all the suppressed feelings and uncried tears are bursting the dam. in fact now and then the dam just breaks. then I try to repair. but somehow no matter how hard I try the dam will never be as strong again.

I'm so tired. somehow. I don't know. I don't want to care. to hell with pw. please just

GO AWAY...

the divine wind loses its divinity @ 2152

October 19th

I have only one thing to say about myself. especially myself of late. it's so upsetting, but I realised that

I'm so annoying.

like super annoying. let's see what I have been doing these days. well first things first, I've been going crazy these few days. and I'm like getting louder and madder. again. I tried to keep it down...and then I complain about dumb stuff. so sad. and then I'm dragging people around. and then I went to look for wee lt today because of my book that I couldn't be bothered to get. and I'm not caring about reading it. so terrible. I mean I'm supposed to be the good girl right? like I've always been. the guai kia, yah vril? heh. I don't know. lost a lot of my image here. oh fine like what image right? I don't rightly know either. arrgh. you know I'm always missing people. and I'm always disturbing people. their status is clearly like busy and away and everything but online, but I just go clicking on their name. like annoying idiot go away...people trying to do work here...just because you're feeling bored and tired it doesn't mean that you've got the right to go disturb and interrupt others. haiz. it's just me isn't it. and then I'm always not allowing avril to sleep. in fact I forced her out of her house today. I don't know. school ended like so early today, clara didn't want to have PW, and there was like nobody left. okay actually there wasn't nobody left. honestly that like the worst part right? there were people. well there was just crystal, but that's somebody. and she was prepared to stone too. I mean I didn't feel like going home because it's so boring and I wanted to eat lunch but knowing crys she wouldn't eat properly anyway. and maybe she would be too lazy to even go anywhere or even the canteen with me. so I'll really stone and die of hunger if I just stayed in the atrium with her right?

excuses.

I asked crys to lend me her phone and I dialed avril. and I like forced her to get out of her house in 5 minutes flat because I didn't want to waste crys' phone bill. I just told her to get out and accompany for lunch and I don't care where the heck we're going. I told her I'll just plonk myself at the bus stop at her place and that's that. and so there. hurrmph.

so annoying right....people want to study lah.

uhhhhhhhhhhhhh but I missed her so much. no darling that's not an excuse. but I really did! I don't know what I'm like going to do. and when she came she was like okay girl hurry up because mother's coming home like soon...and sort of felt bad already. and then we like took the longest walk in the world to loyang point (like goodness that ULUated place...)and then in the end she watched me eat. it's just as well if I had stayed in school with crys and she would most probably have watched me eat anyway. told you leaving crys behind was bad. it's just excuses. because you want to see avril.

annoying kid!
she needs to study
she needs to stay at home
you promised not to call
you promised
3 weeks
you said you wouldn't
you told her you wouldn't
annoying kid!
feel bad only when she came down
feel bad only later
too late
but it made you realise one thing
didn't it
how to survive next year
tell me
tell me now, how
I don't know
I never seem to know anything
but I really don't...

October 18th

wahaha. I'm like full of smiles today. yeah yeah I saw her AGAIN. not bad right? let's go through a little of today first okay?

morning was so normal I couldn't believe it. crys was there at the bus stop and we took the bus to school together. again. then we lined up happily. and then they had the national anthem and suddenly they had the school song. kurseth was like huh we're going to sing it LIKE THAT? I mean we were all at attention and all I couldn't resist laughing when the superb pop sounds of the school anthem rang through the assembly plaza. it was hilarious alright. maybe for the school song they should allow us to take all our light sticks out and start waving them around. after that we went for lit lecture, only to find that there was NO lecture. fine. so we had some free periods, and clara decided to use them for PW. I was fine with that.

so instead of sticking around in the lt, we shoved ourselves into the library. and then we decided to plonk ourselves on the second floor, so that we could erm talk without anyone noticing, because they keep pretty tight tabs on the first floor. and furthermore clara wanted to eat her chocky sticks. well so did fiona really. and so we were like for once really discussing pw (and not fashion apparel) but of course there was the part where norvin and wee khee were screaming about how pretty some model in norvin's magazine cut out was and all that, but never mind...and then lynn and yanqi settled down behind us. I can't really remember how, but the other day somehow vril and I were talking about her gang and I think about how busy they always are with other things and people and I raised an eyebrow when it came to lynn. I just commented

oh lynn is always with yanqi right...

then avril gave me that super dubious look and then she opened her mouth to say something, then shut it again and said

never mind. long story.

so am I right or what? I don't know. I shouldn't care really. ah don't know. get on with my account yah? you nosey poker...yeah we went for chinese....goodness me. I haven't seen such a horrendous compo mark for ages! the last time MUST have been the 1/10 for my formal letter writing. oh my goodness me it was atrocious. but luckily I still passed in the end. my paper 2 saved me. heh. that reminds me. shall go calculate how much I really got. I mean the grade.

ouch it's a c6. sheesh. but never mind. passed. let's hope the CA may push it a bit. gosh. dad's going to murder me at this rate. thank goodness for math. never mind.

then we had break again, before econs. I kinda gulped down lots of chicken rice (again!!). like oh the horror right. ah well. then we adjourned to econs lecture. ah before that we were laughing at horror stories. so funny! shall not put them here. too funny. must illustrate to be funny. type not nice. ahahahahaha.

econs...blah. after that was supposed to be lunch and pw, but clara already got permission from ms k to let us out of the school for pw purposes. so after econs we all sat down and called up the schools and it turned out that they didn't want us nor need us to go down personally. so clara decided that we shall go into the library and type out all the letters we were to send out.

ahaha the exciting part. oh CRAP I'm smiling like mad already. clara wanted to scan the official letter from the school and attach it to the email to send out to some of the schools. then she said let's go upstairs. actually there's a scanner downstairs and I was pretty lazy to climb stairs. but I thought nevermind, upstairs is cooler anyway, and it's way quieter. the comp lab downstairs is madness. so we went upstairs, and yeah I didn't tell them that the downstairs lab had a scanner. heh.

ahhhh smiling again. STOP IT!! okay.clara and I went up first. then clara wanted to get something or something like that. then I felt premonition strike. I scanned the entire second floor. and like real man, in the corner, tucked away at the end, and sitting facing me was.....drum roll......

avril lim hui shan

I tried not to laugh. really!!! I couldn't believe it. she told me she was going home after math and like what was the time already man. but I saw her like half dead with her friend, and then clara came back up so I decided not to say hi to her. so we continued with our pw, (I'm smiling again!!) and then maril came up and I just couldn't resist it. I pulled her over and told her to look all the way down the corner.

I swear she could have boxed me.

you know I just looked at my previous entry. yeah all my favourite quotes. my stomach has turned a little. I was never this mad before. yeah it means I was mad like this before. I admit okay? but this is the ultimate. and I barely even know why. it's so un-understandable.

some things will never change. some things will never be. you know the other day I was talking to eewei online. she jokingly asked me whether I was turning lesbo because I was moaning about not seeing avril. then I did a quick check. ahaha. so scary right? actually I did check myself over a couple of months ago because I sort of seriously thought I might be. honestly by today's definition of lesbianism I would probably be considered one. but I really thought through VERY VERY carefully. then I realised I fell under the category that minnie and I always talked about. in fact we nearly fell there too. yeah it's the kind of 'lesbians' who just simply need a best friend. or a bestest friend. whatever you want to call it. because that was my observation about a lot of the so called les in schools and my conclusion was that some of them just want someone there to always listen to them, care for them, bother about their existence. it's true that some of them needed more attention and many of them are so dysfunctional and have gone through so much mistrust and betrayal in life that when they find someone they can give practically their life to they just cling on to her. cling like mad. which explains the incredulous possessiveness of butches.

so perhaps someone can understand now. sounds bad huh. like as if I've gone through a lot of bad patches and ruined by circumstances and therefore I have become this poorthetic pitiful kid who has grown hard and cruel and dysfunctional and putting on a front. ugh sounds bad. but it's true that I've gone through bad stuff a little young, and gone through some things that some of my friends will never go through. and of course there are times where I have certain opinions about things and only vril will know why. ah well at least having ONE person in your life like that is worth it. rather than have 2000 acquaintances. I'd rather have 1 bestest friend. at least I know someone loves me. or at least I know I can love someone too. yay.

the divine wind loses its divinity @ 2213

October 17th

I'm bored. so I decided to do this crazy thing. I'm going to go through all my archives from may 2004 onwards and go check out ALL (yes ALL) my entries with avril in it and pick out my favourite quotes. gosh this is worse than lit. who cares. I'm bored.

there's a reason why I love avril. because
she can stay herself no matter who is around. ~23rd may

oooh and I'm going down to science centre to view the LOTR exhibition!! and the best part....drum roll...I'm going with avril. haha. I'm so obsessed. ~1st june

never let her into this blog. so avril oriented. ~7th june

but also
that I went out with somebody else I love too. hehheh yeah I
went to watch spidey II with sister and avril.~6th july

had this incredible premonition that I would see avril today
after lunch. and guess what. I did.~19th july

you know nagor asked
me today something like why I'm not with avril. and then I
was like huh why should I be, like we are a year apart and my
classrooms don't even hit e4. and then she like said something
like, "I thought she was like in love with you or something."
and guess what I said. I said no lah, she's not in love with
me, it's me who's in love with her.~22nd july

ah shit I miss avrillllllll..................but promised myself I wouldn't call her for the next week. no matter what. let her study you idiot. always call her and then she is like short of slapping your face and telling you to slam the stupid phone down and don't ever call again.~3rd august

6 paragraphs on avril alone. ooooh. there should be an essay test on avril.~11th august

my fingers are freezing up here. the aircon's on and it's REALLY freezing. suddenly think of avril. haha. yeah those funny times when I call her and she's stuck on the chair and letting her toes freeze because she's lazy to go to the bed and I insist on talking to her. so her brain freezes, her fingers freeze and her toes are dead. haha.~13th august

never see avril today...but never mind. must stop this thing about trying to see her. there are easier people to see than her. actually that's what makes it so...how to put it. so lovely. yeah something like that. it's so lovely to see her because looking at my timetable against hers, it's near impossibility that we meet. but we still do anyway. so nice right?! as long as I think it's nice...~13th august

I love wednesdays. why? because I get to see avril. ~18th august

you know if today I walked as usual dead straight ahead to the drinks' stall I wouldn't have seen her. something in me turned. so scary huh. then on the bus she was being grouchy about tests and all and blaming it on me. well it's just for fun so I didn't mind. like okay so it's all my fault now huh?! I felt like telling her hey I deserted my friend, leaving crystal sitting on the bench all by herself and thinking gosh where's she flying off to just because I KNEW she was going home and I could take the exact same buses she takes and I just wanted to accompany her. hurrumph. so bloody insulted. but never mind.~19th august

almeida was like why is it a girl? I nearly retorted then you prefer it to be a guy?! then before I did that I suddenly thought that yeah it IS kinda better that it'a guy you know. haha. and so I shut up. I just smiled at almeida and started asking why? are you getting scared....??! and she was like eeeeeee.....~19th august

avril. again. haha. every entry seems to have her name. but that's also because she's worth talking about.~21st august

but I still love avril the most.~21st august

and to think I was cursing last week for the school taking away my last wednesday with avril.~1st september

avril says:
if only i can live till 040444
avril says:
hahahaha
[46157] dir en grey ~ultimate addiction~ says:
can try......
avril says:
y not....
avril says:
i juz might....
[46157] dir en grey ~ultimate addiction~ says:
yeah u'll nv noe
[46157] dir en grey ~ultimate addiction~ says:
can leh actually
avril says:
yar.....58 yrs old.....~15th september

avril was on the list and I can't figure out why. I still can't. just had that strange feeling that I wanted to know her, talk to her. ~16th september

so exciting. told you the day ends with avril. started with her too. well at least for me days don't start without her. ~20th september

I've known avril since may, and her name has never stopped appearing in my blog entries. in fact the major entry in may caused vicky to become frightened. and you know as I go on to june, july and the august entries, I frighten myself. honest. it's freaky. the entries become longer AND longer, and the number of paragraphs on avril get really really really long and personal. the entries don't really describe what happened on the day I meet avril. in fact after syf I didn't meet avril much anymore. yet the stuff I write is crazier and crazier. ~21st september

I'm not trying to forget her. she isn't some old flame of mine. she's my friend. one of my best friends, in fact. it's just that I'm trying to reduce the level of obsession. calm down darling...I need to. otherwise how in the world am I going to survive next year? goodness me. ~24th september

you know everytime I'm hungry I'll think of the shrek oreos that I haven't eaten. I don't rightly know if the reason why I'm not eating them is because I'm 1)too lazy to open them, 2)not hungry enough to finish them all and there's no one to share with, or...

3) I can't bear to eat them. they're from avril.

ah shit you lah girl. they've been there since 11th may. that's your birthday.~27th september

stop ranting. you've done enough of that with maril. way too much really. I'm getting more devoted to her than yap mae. oh dear. but I must stop letting people surpass mae. ah but no worries, because I still love avril the most. heh. oh man that sounds so wrong but I don't give two shits about it.~10th october

it's quite late, sister wants to use soon and I need to AHEM Fe my uniform. heh. stupid avril. all your fault.hahhahhaha. but I still love you. DAMN.~14th october

today, I officially declare october 15th

love AVRIL day

October 16th

what have I done today? pigging. heh. really! because I was feeling so sick yesterday I decided to really pig out today. and I did. first I woke up at like 11 plus this morning. actually I might have slept more but sister woke me up at that time to watch the flatterer...so therefore I slept for about 11 hours. then there was tv, lunch and tv again, then I fell asleep after that. heh. after about 3 hours I woke up and we watched more tv. and then I went to change and the whole family went to eat dinner outside. came home at nearly 9, went to bathe and plonked myself in front of the computer and started to play yahoo games. like what a day! so piggish. who cares.

you know I was looking back at the previous entry and thought about a lot of things. and I still wonder to myself till today--

what in the world made me want to talk to her so much?

I still don't know. it's just that when I heard her name and saw the face that matched it, I thought to myself THAT'S it. I'm going to know her. somehow. like by hook or by crook or something. and you very well know I'm terribly capable of doing that. I don't know. it's so nice to have a good friend whom you can talk to about anything under the sun and have a friend whom you can have silences with but they're never awkard. you know there are some people you know out there where the topic just stops after some time. and then there's this long and dreary silence and then someone must come up with some topic that is like totally off from the previous topic. and then there are some people you know whom you can only talk about one thing to. like perhaps you can only talk about this particular band, or just about school or something like that. and there's some whom you keep talking and talking and talking and nothing gets done. I don't really mind the last kind really, but sometimes it's tiring. it's like sometimes it turns out that both sides want to talk SO much that you lose that little coordination you have and end up cutting each other now and then. and that's like darned sad. but somehow when we talk, we do shut up sometimes. but it feels perfectly fine. ahaha.

"If you can sit in silence with a person for half an hour and yet be entirely comfortable, you and that person can be friends." ~ The Blue Castle by L.M. Montogmery

heh.there we go. hey it's pretty true okay. there are awkard silences, there are freaky silences, there are scary silences. but there's also thoughtful silences, necessary silences and lovely silences. I don't know. maybe it's just me. made for seniors. ahaha. really man. some of my best friends are like either older than me or they sort of behave such. I think the most 'kiddy' close friend I have has to be yap mae. ahaha. not that she's seriously childish (hey she can be darned grown up okae) but she's just crazy about things and pure crazy because of the silliest things sometimes. it's cute really. then maril is crazy too but different sort of crazy...and it's perfectly fine. she rolls her eyes at the same things as me so that's a very good sign. crystal know when to shut up. that's like super important. shows a lot about you. almeida knows what runs through my brain when I'm displeased. she gets pissed at the same things too. eewei is just cao lao lah...ahahaha. not really either. but the things she talks about and the sort of opinions she gives and the way she answers you and the stuff she's gone through makes you feel like she's older than sister sometimes. but I like it. so why the heck do you care? I was fine with almost all my seniors. somehow I managed with juni (wow like miracle), I went home with melissa, diyana, juwaini, shahidah, I wasn't enemies with shera (really!)...I mean it's true that for her power DID change purpose but whenever I thought of the old times before she had power of any sort...I just forgave her again. sigh. so me right? ahaha. even now in junior college, I can talk and talk and talk to jae, to adam, peck joo...no problem. ah asking about avril is it? so simple. that one

knows everything

she can finish my sentence if she wanted to. there must be a damn good reason why I love her right. but then again, knowing me, there may be no reason behind why I love somebody. ah hah. I don't know really. you know long time ago, okay FINE some months ago, when I first knew avril and all and mae realised that I love her so much and everything, mae asked me like wouldn't it be nice if she retained too. I mean she's so happy that her 'significant one' is a retainee because at least you know, like same level, see each other more, go through the same things, go up together, leave the school together and all. but you know when mae asked me that question I just like stared at her and then thought through very very fast and calculated a lot of things real fast (and you also know that I'm really capable of doing that) and I said

my goodness NO

I'm not here to possess her you know. it's true that I sound like I'm like that, yeah, like yap mae listened to me and heard EVERYTHING that I know about that girl and said one word:

STALKER

ahahahaha. yeah I'm good at it. I really am. I can seriously stalk you without you ever knowing it and I can dig out everything about you and scare you to bits with all the information at hand. the worst part is that my memory is not too bad. I remember what people tell me. and I remember hard if I want to. yeah if I want to. very important condition. it kinda explains why econs doesn't stay and measure for measure does. ahaha. makes so much sense.

back to my point. you know if she like got retained here after this year I'll feel really sad. I mean it would break her heart and I really hate that. I just want her to finish her a's, get it over and done with for nuts sake and then do decently enough to go to the u. I'm not having her do her a levels and get some stupid grades that are certified a pass in a level but she has to end up in poly or something. she doesn't want that and neither do I want that for her. she's a good girl, and honestly she's a smart girl too. I do want her to get somewhere in life. I don't really give two shits whether she gets married or something okay, but I do hope that she'll do well. it would make her happy. and that would make me happy too.

retained? please NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooo...

oh it's true it's going to be REALLY nice...because it means she has to attend eldds again. heh. and we could study together. yeah. I know. and then at least there's a better reason to call her other than because I'm bored or I don't want to do whatever I'm supposed to. but that's like

really selfish

it really is. or at least I believe so. certainly do. and I think I must get offline soon. even though I'm still not quite through with ranting, but I think I should stop. and you know something? I think I should never try to curb my blogging about her. suppressing it makes me cry. so no point right? therefore I will simply go on and on. even if it makes me sound real sick and all I don't care. I can't call her these 3 weeks and I WON'T and so there. the only outlet is here. that's that.

the divine wind loses its divinity @ 2314

October 15th

forget the love meridian day. forget the open house. forget them. today, I officially declare october 15th

love AVRIL day

seriously. I will show you why. here's how the story goes...

12am today, I called her. well strangely enough it was her idea for me to call her. I was about to go offline and all for sister and she said that I could call her after 11. which is really weird because firstly, she doesn't ask me to call her. next, it's terribly late. and...it's just wrong.

avril says:
u can call me after 11
avril says:
hahaha
avril says:
when they all go slp
--------------------------------------------------------

[46157] h-e-a-r-t-s-t-a-b-b-e-r says:
eh wad time u slping
avril says:
not so early
avril says:
y??
[46157] h-e-a-r-t-s-t-a-b-b-e-r says:
can i call
avril says:
now?
[46157] h-e-a-r-t-s-t-a-b-b-e-r says:
later
avril says:
can
[46157] h-e-a-r-t-s-t-a-b-b-e-r says:
must fe uniform
avril says:
u tell me first
[46157] h-e-a-r-t-s-t-a-b-b-e-r says:
coz sister wants to use comp
avril says:
i stand by e phone
[46157] h-e-a-r-t-s-t-a-b-b-e-r says:
then cannot talk online

------------------------------------------------------------------

talk about shocking. I was shocked. she was actually in the mood to entertain me. which was really really weird and all. so strange. but never mind. I really called her in the end, and we talked and talked and talked until like OH MY GOSH it was 3AM in the morning, then she was moaning about not being able to wake up tomorrow, and how we ought to have an agenda for our conversations. then I thought about those days when eewei and I would call each other and we would come up with an agenda too. but I was like telling vril, but agendas don't work, because there's this last section called AOB, which basically encompasses everything else we sidetrack to. heh. no use. and for proving that agendas don't work, we ended up hanging up at 0330 instead. hehheh. terrors right. after that I was like gosh I am like so awake and how am I going to sleep like this?? then I yawned. so dumb right. really man...

then woke up this morning, so terrible. because I could barely wake up and my eyes hurt SO MUCH from sleeping so little and sleeping so late. then in the morning I was feeling so sick. I just felt like puking and everything. like GOSH I was some walking zombie. then ran into kurt. heh. khairiah didn't come. so wasted. then she could have conveyed her true thoughts to him personally. heh. then hani ran through the drama performance and we were like free until 1445. so since it was merely 11 plus, I messaged avril and went to meet her. initially I smsed her to ask where she was. then I remembered her last location was the canteen, so I thought perhaps I'd go look there since I needed a drink. then I asked christine where she was and she was like erm went home?? then I received that girl's message that she was at the staff room. like finally I went to see her. because earlier before running to the canteen I said hello to maril outside the lt and she was like avril's looking for you...and I was like yeah I'm looking for her too. she gave this OH MAN face and I was like heh. yeah so what if we have handphones today right. like quite useless. still having a little wild goose chase right. jia lat.

so I went to meet her, and then we were like laughing because they were playing all the stupid mass dance songs. then vril was like moaning because she was hungry and poor (gosh so pitiful sounding...yeah right) and so we went to get my coupons to buy her something, since she had simply donated her copy to her class or something. then we were like thinking where to go so as to avoid the noise, people and heat. we ended up at her 'favourite' spot man. the study bench at the end of the E4 corridor. heh. it's like her classroom is e4-3 and we go to that corridor's study bench. ah it was fun talking there. then we were like moaning about their lousy songs, her leaking testtube gift from rosalind lim and then they played somewhere I belong!! like finally something decent. goodness me. then before we left to pick lydia and ailing up they played my happy ending. heh. then I was like lavigne's image is like...gone. and gosh it started avril moaning about how she's getting in touch with her feminine side and all. honestly I don't think that's a bad thing, but unfortunately for lavigne, that wasn't her original image. she stuck out BECAUSE she was so punk and daring and all. but now she's becoming more and more mainstream and more public it has become like wrong. oh well TOO BAD.

then went to pick ailing and lydia at the main gate. they didn't tell me that caroline cheng pei and hui yi were with them. gave me a shock. anyways avril had agreed to eat dinner with me because I told mother that I wasn't going home for dinner. heh. so I decided to bring them around and vril was like you come and look for me later lah. and I agreed. so after about an hour or so (I think) the two of them left to do contact work and I went looking for avril. this time she was at the bench at the C4 corridor. and she was stoning. I walked up so fast, when actually I only had 8 minutes to spare with her. I had to report soon to lt3. then later she went down with me anyway. so we got it started. so lame man the story. but vril already knew it and she knew how cheesy it was. I mean like yeah. it's a superb combination of all the different sorts of dramas put together. and somehow all our perfomances of that script turned out different each time. somehow there was a difference in all of them. from the rehearsals to the performance itself. but who cares. then after that we had another hour before the next one. so we went to rot at the bench behind lt3. yeah we rotted there for nearly an hour and then I was like hUnGry...and so we proceeded to the canteen and bought my dearest apple crumble. they didn't have it earlier. heh. then we were about to go straight into lt3 when I spotted yenn weii. or she spotted me. ah either way. then we were like talking and then yuhan and shujing came along and we nearly talked past the time. so finally vril and I went for the final performance for the day.

so yay 5 pm, trace and I thought great it's over, pack and go. vril was like yay finally. then maril dropped like the biggest bomb in the world because we could only go off at 1830 even though it was 1700...there was like pure irritation on our faces. but since now vril and I had yet another hour to stone, we decided to really stone. we were like looking through the stupid 8 days (can you imagine we were THAT bored) and laughing about the new bu shuang drink because I was suddenly pmsing and she was like wah now you buay song me ahhh...and we just cracked up about the bu shuang drink. so dumb man. but nice. I think the can design is cool. and she agrees! yayayay...you know she was telling me about how her gang like asks her why in the world she keeps hanging out and talking to me. and she is like how in the world to answer??? I mean for her although it's her gang and it's her clique and all, somehow she doesn't fit exactly. like darn one more outcast from el? not really. she fits with her gang much much more than mae maril and I. she was like grumbling a little about yeah they're fun and crap and lame and everything that cliques do and they're like a secure bunch, you know that sort that comes together for any form of group work kind of bunch, but somehow the wavelength still doesn't meet properly. and I was somehow like laughing to myself. why? because at least I know this entire me and avril affair isn't that one-sided after all. heh. sounds like wrong. but it has always sounded wrong anyway.

okay back to my account. gosh stop sidetracking. and stop smirking. yeah at least you know avril loves you too can? goodness. like no wonder vril calls me deprived kid right. nono it's the funny little friend. heh. like so primary school. ahahaha. then it was 10 to six and vril and I thought of walking through all the stalls one last time, then we got stuck at lt1 and then it was six and we reported back to maril. then we were like moving hell lot of things and trying to wait fairly patiently for the beautiful phrase you are dismissed. I made avril like wait the entire day for me already. and I was like trying to hurry. I mean both of us needed to eat (since we like went without lunch) and wanted to watch the results of singapore idol. yeah jerry's finally out. like thank goodness. and so when we could go and I could like spend even MORE time with that girl, I was like YAYAYAYAY and I hugged maril. heh. like superbly excited. haha.

took the 81 to tampines and then we were like stuck, didn't know what to eat, didn't want to run into chemistry department and didn't want to eat too expensive. so...we ended up in the food court. haha. but anyway I paid for her (I promised her anyway) and she was like no need lah...but I was like quiet I'm paying and I asked her why she's so insistent she pay. she was like

because you're being nice and that's scary

like oh dear me. I was like OH MAN headache. because if you know me long enough, you'll know that although I seem horribly mean and sarcastic and sadistic and everything, if you're really my good friend and all I'm so darned nice to you sometimes, and perhaps really good to you and save you from a lot of stuff and cover you like mad if I wanted to. I'm the nicest to people I don't really click with actually. I'm like so formal with such people. trust me. the more I bully you and totally mean to you and super honest in your face,

the more I love you.

haha. sounds weird right. but that's the way I am and that's the way it is. it's good for you to know. so stop complaining that I'm so bloody mean to you. my honesty is the best way of telling you that I love you. really. at least you know I'm honest with you. I usually like sit on the fence or compliment people whom I don't really know or are good friends with. so dangerous. I'm quite a two face, so be happy that I'm honest. even though the sort of truth I present to you sounds horrid most of the time but relax okay? yeah maril that includes telling you that gwen IS cuter than you. I'm so sorry.

back to the dinner. it was nice yeah. ran into yaoqi. so crap. never mind. vril and I were like eating and then we decided to catch the singapore idol results on tv mobile on the way home. so I decided to take the 81 all the way back with her. I think she must have been super super freaked out today. first I told her this morning at the E4 bench that I wanted to stalk her (honestly I was practically doing that) and then I was like so nice to her today and I even decided to take the super super long ride home just to take the same bus as her. heh. haven't been THIS nice to someone for a long time. really. it's love avril day. I'm so serious. it's scaring myself too. is it? maybe not. it's just me.

then on the bus she was talking about yesterday, because they finished school like pretty early, she was thinking of looking for me. heh. smiles again right...terrible. but there was like no sight of year ones so she asked wensi where in the world all of us were. then wensi was like OH they have AHEM cheerleading in the hall now...then avril was like AHEM AHEM...gosh when she knew I was in she like laughing her toes off...then I suaned her back about the love meridian day 03s307 perfomance which was coincidentally ALSO cheerleading...like POT calling the Kettle BLACK...hurrumph. then she was like ah never mind, because the thing was her gang were all busy somehow and she didn't really know what to do and I think she wasn't exactly very willing to go with the rest to tm. then wensi was like you call her lah...then vril was like she has no phone. wensi gave her that absolutely weird stare. she was like I have never heard of a j1 who has no phone. avril was like yeah she has NO phone. instead, the 2 of us are like SUPER determined to get our mp3 players this year. I was like after your a's we'll go get our players together okay?? and she was like onzzz man...ahaha. no one would understand my rationale other than her. seriously.

well anyway she got off, then she smsed me the sg idol results and then I called her. ahaha. she was like uh why you call...but who cares. I did. she told me not to call her for the next 3 weeks. I will really try. and like seriously try. the last time I wanted to call her only after promos partly for my own sake. I mean I was supposed to study so better not to call her. then she benefits as well right? but this time I'm the one with more time and everything. but she doesn't. she says DON'T call, I really must try not to. and I won't.

honest.

anyway, just as we thought this love avril day was OVER, I came online at 10 plus and guess what. yeah you got it. she was online. talk some more. gosh my throat is a goner. from the 3.5 hour talk to the lack of sleep and the tiring open house to the late dinner and the continous talking. jia lat. like this is super bad. sigh. and you know like through the day, when I either wasn't with her or wasn't talking to her, I typed some messages and saved them into the phone. here they are.

1) uhh! why isn't she replying?! Ah! you know what, I think I MIGHT just die without her around. and that's terrible. Ah again. coz I'm strong enough to live without you...Not.

2) strong enough, and I'll quit crying...more like I'll start crying...So sad. So tired. where is hani...I want to find her like now. It's her last day here...

3) ahahahaha...you know I'm spending so much time with her and it's just killing myself. sigh. never mind. I shall have to learn to oh well, live without her...

4) you know I'm like spending so much time with her. So much. I never thought that her being one year older to be so hard to bear. well, never too late. double sigh. and she's sleeping now...

1. was in lt3, our practice session. then later I went to look for her at the staff room. 2) is actually the continuation of 1. I didn't have enough characters left. 3) was later. because after we were done peering through 8 days, she wanted to sleep. 3. and 4. are together too. so sad huh. of course the rest of the song of strong enough really DOESN'T apply here, but the chorus is like enough. must really try to survive. it's crazy you know, if I can barely survive without a best friend around. she was like so darned excited about farewell assembly and all and I was like wah lao then school so sian. she was like huh why. and I was like because no you?! like sTuPiD question. so there.

see why it is love avril day now? so memorable. we talked SO much today. gosh. so tired. but so satisfied. okay that sounded wrong too right? okay let's take it that I really enjoy spending time with people whom I love, and for once I feel that it isn't just me spending more time with ones I love a lot,

but that others spend time with me because they love me too

I love you avril. really. one of my greatest friends. somehow. smiles. no darling don't cry. you'll still see her around. and after her a's you can call her, go out with her blah...stick it out girl. you'll make it. she didn't cry. so don't too.

we'll see each other past 2044 okay...even if we drink too much of bu shuang or become more cao bin and cao lao, we'll make it.

happy love avril day

the divine wind loses its divinity @ 0016

October 14th

haiz. so sad. last day of school for year 2s. not just avril. I mean, all the people whom I've grown so used to seeing around. all the year 2s in the school, on the bus, and of course my seniors the most. it will be so weird. and I will feel so meaningless! ahaha. not really. or actually I don't really know yet. I hope I will survive well, but honestly that's not very likely. I mean knowing me...especially since I miss her so easily, and gosh my premonition failed for the first time in a long long time yesterday!! so now I don't know if my premonition really failed, or I thought I had a premonition just because I missed her too much. and then while mae and I were walking around the school, can't remember for nuts what we were rambling about, but mae mentioned this word and I was like uhhhhh....don't say it...please...what did she say? she said

WAHTER

and what's with wahter? which is supposed to be water really, but only one person says it, and that's....avril lah. like who else. goodness me. oh dear. my premonition is just too strong today. I saw her this morning (oh my like made my day...) on my way to the hall. yifang and I were innocently walking toward the slope to the hall and then I just decided to turn around and wahaha she was there. so heehee. then anyway, back to mae. I was like don't say that....because only avril says it. actually thinking back, I remember way back in primary school jinjing used to say water in that manner too, but goodness knows where in the world jinjing is now, because I really never heard about her since...since.

never mind. must move on. there are many things to talk about today. so fast fast. there was that lousy cheerleading competition (which we didn't win anything for by the way) and I totally embarrassed myself. or at least I think I did. but obviously I'm too small to be seen and identified. but it was rather fun all in all, just that I could see like sanam's toes' imprints on my thigh after that...but I thought we were rather original, with like sticks and NO pyramid formation. everything was like so bring it on. yeah spirit fingers and all. sup was like super insistent that we do spirit fingers. all of us were like SUP please...

anyway we skipped recess (and nyaa talk) for practice's sake and I was therefore like superbly hungry at lunch time. so I ordered $2.50 worth of chicken rice and guess what. the uncle like gave me one big bowl of rice plus TWO chicken wings! goodness me. it was like so much I nearly couldn't finish it. but I was so hungry and I decided to like store up for later, so I continued eating.

then the afternoon stuff started...and I brought my tk doll to be the baby. she's so cute. but I miss her, because she usually takes up so much space on the bed but now that she's in school there's this really big hole on my bed and because I couldn't stand it I just placed merlot there. heh. ah well everybody loves her. all the drama people and all the tk people were like ahhhhhhh the tk doll!!! so cute!!! and only that horrid adam was like argh that doll's ugly. rohani and I were ready to kill him. really.

oh anyway they taught us the school song today. and we were like wah, latest pop song huh. I mean it really sounds like some pop song. if avril can get it for me I'll put it up here. and hopefully she gets the rock version because the original sounds really....weird. well obviously the felle, who happens to be the same guy who composed count on me singapore (like GOSH!!), didn't remember that we shouldn't leave the song like hanging at the end....can't he do a proper cadence. oh man the be----esttt...that part is TERRIBLE. sup said it sounded like some wilted flower. really man.

so besides the school song, which sounds really cool for a school song but honestly what kind of school song is this???? it's just weird. okay FINE call me traditional. FINE go ahead. anyways, the preparation for open house is on the way to killing me. I don't know why but my ankle hurts again. I feel as if I've taken the whole afternoon to walk from far east plaza to plaza singapura or something. and that's terrible. I mean it hurts honestly. well walking around with mae and maril. and hehe they put up this lovely board outside the general office with all the leaders' photos on it and OH MY GOODNESS marilyn's picture is like ultimate cute!!!!!!!

ah cannot stand it. okay must type faster. sister coming out of the toilet like real soon. anyways after we were like dismissed and all, I decided to stick around and accompany peck joo and mae and maril at the notice board for el. then I thought instead of going after we're done, I thought that since I have time on my hands, I would just go put my darling tk doll in to the el room first. and so I was like appreciating the band ( oh well trying to) since they were playing japanese graffitti V and merry widow and then I happily went up that same slope I went up in the morning. and guess what? prawn was there. alamak.

haven't been this suay for some time.

but anyway she was like being damn nice to me and stuff. and I was like er..herherherher....herher. then she talk talk talk...and I have no idea how to get away. thank goodness the band finished playing and she decided to go check on them and I could finally go. gosh. and it's like freaky. first she persuade me, then she chide me, then she scold me, then she tells me like stuff she's worried about and things like that. like goodness me. never mind.

anyway I think I can't say much more anymore. I don't have time. it's quite late, sister wants to use soon and I need to AHEM Fe my uniform. heh. stupid avril. all your fault.hahhahhaha. but I still love you. DAMN.

the divine wind loses its divinity @ 2316

October 12th

went back to school today. yeah for el. had quite some fun. haven't had fun like that for quite some time. the stupid teachers next door were complaining. ah what to do with huda and I around screaming our heads off...plus suhaila. worse. it like just doesn't help right. but it was fun. just that they started like way too late. it's no good. the discipline is ugh. it's true that I'm not much of a disciplined person but hey this is the only thing band has really taught me okay. for once right. it's taught me some discipline of some sort. at least like punctuality. even if you're on the dot it's okay. or even 5 minutes late. I accept that anyday. it's true that I used to be really really late queen. yeah I know. but it's time to change. heh. thanks angela. helped a lot. really.

changed my own wallpaper. so funny. it's barang on it and no one has seen it yet. let's see how people react later. he's cute okay. yeah the little crazy toy doggie on my bed. he's getting a little dirty though...time to wash already.

speaking of wash. goodness me. actually I shouldn't type this. it ruins my reputation. ah like what reputation right. I wanted to wear my triton shirt and my school skirt to school today because it's so hot and all and that blouse of ours really retains heat. then...ahahahaha I couldn't find my shirt. so I was thinking why on earth would mother not have ironed it by now? I had a whole week of exams without having PE. that's way more than enough time to wash and iron everything. then I suddenly decided to check whether my shorts numbers tallied. they didn't either. I had this sinking feeling. and I was right. the pe attire was still in my bag. and when was the last time we had PE?

last last thursday. heh

mother was like eeeeeee so stinkyyyyyyy......oh well. it's not the first time it's happened really. and that's like terrible. yeah I know. ah but never mind. adibah would have picked up on this. yeah and I would have to learn some hygiene lessons from the angel with a devil's fork. okay carissa do you teach for free?? haha. so lame man. but it's always so entertaining to read that green coloured folder. all the stupid memories in there. and they were so fun. especially the SYB thing. so dumb. that was discussed on the swing next to the void deck of tkg. so funny. we were laughing our heads off about the entire incident and all the dumb things we were rambling about. we were so hysterical that shiqi stuck her head out and yelled at us to go home. but we didn't. haha. we stayed there, rotted and laughed more and more until yenn weii's message came in and told us it was a mistake all along. then we happily went home.

is it true that we're unloyal kids who don't give 2 shits about the band?? yes and no. well it's unanimous when it comes to her, but I guess there were things that were nice in there and there were stupid but fond memories.

ah I must stop living off memories. I seem to breathe them and eat them and everything them. they're like all I've got. yeah my memory's the best thing so far in my entire body but hey sometimes it's memory overload. yeah? I mean sometimes I think so much about the past that I forget the things I need to do. and sometimes I bury myself so hard in the past that I don't want to see in front. also I just compare with the past and complain and waste my energy moaning about now. complaining is a waste of energy. we've always known that. it's just that nobody ever bothered about stopping their complaints. it's so inherent. we can't stop our complaints. there's something awful everyday. and I feel like ranting and screaming at something else again. I screamed about iframes this afternoon on my latest template, and now I'm screaming again. I'm trying to download a decent audio converter so that I can further reduce the size of my riyuu mp3 by changing the stupid file into a wma file. presently it's pretty small, but I want it smaller. as usual. I have this thing about making my files like freakily small. but of course. otherwise the loading time would be so long that by the time it finishes its loading you would have finished reading the entry.

how did memories become wma files?? I really don't know. you know just now in the toilet while bathing I was thinking about those people who have a title for their blog entries (don't ask me why I think of such things in the toilet) and why I don't have one. then I thought, well last time I did want to have one. I saw other's blogs having titles, and I fought with that stupid blogspot to get my title bar in and all. then I realised something. it's near impossibility to give my entry a title. it's pretty obvious why. if you can give me a topic statement of some sort for even every paragraph that I have I will salute you. really. when memories become wma files, serious man.

gosh it's so hard to blog. I'm like trying to type replies to eewei, vicky, meida and crys all at the same time and it's driving me up the wall. that's why when I have a serious blogging session I sign out of msn. haiz. but there's nice people on today and I don't want to sign out. although I would be way happier if my bullyee and bullyer vrilly was online but never mind...not bad huh. double role. arrrgh why am I talking about her again?? and I'm talking about her to vicky too!!! ah!!! you know I really wanted and hoped to see her today. but because I had zero premonition I gave up. but somehow I think I'll see her tomorrow. yeah I know it's wednesday tomorrow. my favourite day. you know I used to hate wednesdays so much because of band. and I know wednesdays will end late, and I knew wednesdays bring scoldings and terrible luck especially if shiqi isn't around and all. but after eldds I simply love wednesdays. after avril I simply ADORE wednesdays. become an integral part of my life. nono toki would say she heart wednesdays. hahaha. sounds a little kiddy-ish right.who cares

I don't.

I'm always saying this right. do I mean it? I don't really know. don't really feel like blogging anymore. a little too busy. even though it's only vicky and a little eewei, it's enough to kill.

bye.

the divine wind loses its divinity @ 2202

ahhhhh forgot! go to these places okay....

http://geocities.com/kamui_naomi/46157.html

http://geocities.com/kamui_naomi/die.html

yayayayay!!

October 11th

feeling a little sick. I will have to talk in some circles. it's so hard to say. but just so sad. downloaded the file. yeah my class would know what file. with 4 missing people. yeah that one. never mind the 4th one okay, just the 3 on top. I cannot bear this. you know sometimes I wonder to myself whether it has been a good idea to come here. it seems so hard right. or perhaps you think I should start worrying about myself. it's only one settled. still have 4 more to go. you know I'm supposed to worry about myself first. supposed to be ranting about me going to 05a102 or something. but it doesn't occur to me. you know half the world's afraid that they'll get retained while I'm irritated by the fact that a quarter of the world IS. what the heck is wrong with me? everything maria, everything. all my years of taking for granted. it was never an option. it was never an option to settle for something less, never thought of retaining, never cared about failing. hey I've been through Fs before okae. don't think it's been fun all my life. I know what it's like to fail half my subjects and don't tell me rubbish like oh it's your school's high standards. no it isn't. I know I'm lazy. I know I'm bloody conceited. too bad. ah I was supposed to get rid of it. it's nearly murdered me. well when you watch the grades slip and fluctuate you'll understand. grades aren't everything. rubbish. don't fib me this way. it will be the death of me. one of these days. and when it reaches a point where you hear your voice coming out from somewhere else, where someone realises she's done the same stupid thing as you but voices it out, it's so heart stabbing.

here we go again
what's the topic
heart stabbing
taking the knife
aiming it straight
in it goes
deep
deep
down
in
my
heart
I'm killing myself
and I actually know it
nah I'm not one of those
idiots who are totally gone case
who lose thought flow
who look depressed
who worry others
far from it
I'm always happy
always optimistic
oh yeah
I'm cynical right
I'm the wet blanket right
the truth is
haha no we're not going to face it
or actually we are
again
I do silly things
maybe I care too much
maybe I care too little
either way
I'm
stabbing my own heart
so many times
the things I say
the things I do
one after another
I must stop looking back
this ranting makes me cry
stop looking back
the past hurts
the truth hurts
the concern hurts
the caring hurts
the people hurts
now
my heart hurts
stab
the blood flows once more
I'm always slashing
other people's faces
and what do I do to myself
I'm no cutter
I'm no slasher
I'm no abuser
I'm no sadist
I'm just a heart stabber
who stabs her own heart
m-a-s-o-c-h-i-s-t
the underlying meaning
don't think I'm always mean
ah I always am
but don't always think I'm a sadist
I'm not
I know it
I simply stab myself
by seeing your reactions
which would have been mine
when I meet my match
h-e-a-r-t-s-t-a-b-b-e-r
have fun

October 10th

ah. finally got my november layout done properly. or at least the way I wanted. unfortunately, removing the mouseover and doing an animated gif file spoilt my picture quality. instead of looking like high resolution kodak film it looks like a lousy magazine scan. how insulting. I'm insulted. and I'm sure the picture is too.

I'm not typing properly now. I don't know. I'm bored. again. and riyuu is playing again and again. well I made it do that anyway. it's a nice song. and I'm irritated. I'm so darned sure that audrey is written by die. shall check it later. tired and really hot. very warm. hot and bothered. someone said that. sounds like something from some book of some sort. ah never mind. I'm really not in the best mood now.

hung up with maril just now. beginning to find more people to disturb now. so thank your lucky stars my dear avril that I have others to call and bother. but I only bother you till the next day. heh. I don't talk to others that long. well vicky maybe, but somehow I always call her in the afternoon and we talk the entire afternoon away until I eat dinner while I talk to you the whole night until we both go sleep. why am I typing as if I'm talking to her? this is bad. nooooo it's not supposed to happen...

okay getting a little dramatic now. this is really bad. there's a problem with the word boredom. I usually sleep when I'm bored, but this time I am SO bored that if I really take the time that I'm bored to go and sleep, I will wake up with a terrible headache and therefore become hyperactive after that because I have slept way too much.

stop ranting. you've done enough of that with maril. way too much really. I'm getting more devoted to her than yap mae. oh dear. but I must stop letting people surpass mae. ah but no worries, because I still love avril the most. heh. oh man that sounds so wrong but I don't give two shits about it.

crashed myself into 2 blogs just now. crashing into more. wait. crashed the usual two again. nothing much. well nothing that interests me anyway. I wonder if people purposely come crashing into mine. actually I'm not supposed to bother right? since I've left this thing on public (partly because there's like no way of locking it anyway) and soon enough I will advance this blog to a listening blog. heh. that will happen only when I have time, so much to say it becomes too much to type, and of course, when the mp3 player comes sailing my way. sailing is not the right word. but never mind. need to save more and more money. jia lat.

you know I suddenly realised that I'm not as chim as I was before. I guess inspiration and bad feelings and mood swings only occur when you're really tired and drained and all and you just need to let go of all the pent up feelings. or rather, for me it's all the confused feelings. why confused? because if you trace my thought flow through my blog entries carefully, you'll realise that they're barely coherent, unless I have stated a very clear agenda. other than that, my ranting has absolutely no direction. it goes bouncing off in impossible directions, worse than a rugby ball. very bad, very bad. must learn to think in proper flows and sentences. must stop randoming. it's bad for health. and exams. my mind just rolls on and on about the craziest stuff. like the front and the back of my mind suddenly decide to change places and I think about absolutely irrelevant things that I shouldn't be thinking about at that point in time.

just slammed into another 3 blogs. which I slam into for hidden agenda reasons. don't feel like talking about them now. actually I kinda do. and don't. maril you need to help me find a suitable pillar or wall or window. I must crash out or crash into something soon. my brain is gone WRONG again. help. you want to know whose blogs I crashed? I smashed myself straight into ra, sufi and a301's blogs. ah you know what the heck I'm talking about, so therefore

FIND ME A WALL

it will do much good. I think. you know the last time I did this sort of thing was a girl lah, so maybe we can call this an improvement. so not bad. but still bad. how? I don't know. now I have more time to think about it. and the more time you give me, the worse things get. because of the terrible system of my brain. stupid grey matter that doesn't seem to help. yeah it tries (take note TRIES) to save me during urgent times like exams and all but sometimes it doesn't help. I'm so messed and somehow I feel it's all my fault that I'm messed. I shouldn't be. at all. you know my head is so messed with everything that I shouldn't be messed up with but I am.

arrrghh. yap mae says my blog is very 'chim' but that's because I choose certain areas to be terribly explicit and sometimes I talk in circles and sometimes I don't make sense to no one but myself. and you know why I'm messed once again? I listening to dir en grey. again. I wanted to stop. well I stopped for so long.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

thanks to sister, well she had to do work, so I'm continuing on the next day. I don't even remember what time I finished this entry. it doesn't matter.

the divine wind loses its divinity

October 9th

arrrrgh so bored.

yeah yeah avril I shouldn't be right. shut up sick child. go drink your cough syrup and don't drink 5 ml more again. detrimental to health. and eat your antibiotics before the meal okay. wait you have to see the stupid doctor again...

heeeeeeeeey love that shinya blog layout u made. well done~
yuting

thanks girl. yeah it's one of my favourites so far. the picture is nice, the lyrics are nicer. I meant to put the song up but honestly I think it takes way too long to load. unless I type a really really long long entry, otherwise by the time you finish the entry the song still hasn't loaded. and it's such an insult to the poor dear song if I put a midi file here. and anyway I don't know if anyone has even made a midi file (a decent one that is) of this dear song. anyway all interested please go download hotarubi by dir en grey. heh speaking of which deg is my next layout!!! woohoo so excited! my darling shiroi kona...they're addictive too. heh.

anyway, bored. having hell with my next layout. again. wait ah. haiz. still toggling with it. please work. my mouseover image is simply lovely.

OH YAY! it's working!!!!!!!

but the mouseover-ed image is loading too slowly. way too slowly. must find a way to cut size. do the usual things to it. wait again. okay I cut it down from 252 to 188 kb. not good enough. not when the original image is an amazing 56kb. darn. how? it seems to be the smallest possible. it's still too slow. any soul reading this try it out for me. go back to my main page and click on november 2004 and then leave your cursor on the picture. see how long it takes to load. it surely does take long. sickening. the font is freakily nice. I took much pains on photoshop to get that straight. really.

and actually it's very late and I have no muse. other than the fact I watched 2 studio ghibli cartoons today and called a lot of people. oh and met lydia in the morning. but totoro was cute. reminded me of that time mae and I ran into avril. it's somewhere in the archives. lazy to type the incident.

anyway BACK TO AVRIL. went to white sands to post my money to lavender after el meeting and slacking around eating huda's favourite tofu. and then mae and I were coming down the escalator when haha radar working again! I spotted vril downstairs. squinted a little and found serena plus jill and lynn down there outside macs as well. actually there was a mj bunch down there when mae and I came and benjamin and mae's melvin was down there and we were like wah lao meridians blocking the way arhh! and then while coming down STILL a bunch of meridians but hey different dudes. mae was like hey wanna bet scarli they've gone off before we can get there. I was like nahhhh they'll be there. mae asked me how I was going to say hi. natural reaction. whack her. hahhahahahhaha. and I did anyway. hand hurt a little after that. coz I whacked her harder than I meant to. sorry avril. wasn't supposed to come out that hard. but it did. all the years of experience and days of suppression. sorry darling. yeah I know the sound was freaking loud. hehheh. I was thinking oops. hahhaahha. they were still there, not knowing where in the world to head next and in the end ALL of us went home. and jill knows my makurokurosuke!! wee!! avril was like wHaT??! but who cares anyway. my lovely lovely cutee makurokurosuke!! must take a slightly better picture and put it up here. really ought to.

October 7th

okay I think (think only) I'm getting used to working this stupid right alignment thing. was it a mistake? a little. you want to know what happened, or you want my ranting. maybe we'll start normally with my account of the day proper THEN we'll dabble in a little of my curses and rants and what have you. sheesh sounds bad. who cares.

today. last day of exams!!!! went out for lunch happily after econs, even though knowing there's lit after that. crystal was like false freedom-ing again. so memory evoking. heh. she said that after our mid years too, because that time was seriously false freedom. honestly if you ask me now, it still is. there's still the looming big big A level which will come (hopefully) next year. actually I really don't seem worried about this. maybe I should get retained. then I'll wake up. maybe. no I don't want to spend another year in here. I don't want another year of napfa. nooooooooooooo no more napfa I beg you...my greatest fear. not chinese, not econs. PE. ultimate man. so like anti-PE. heh. well if they continue with the crazy screamish aussie rules football and badminton and all the nice games PE wouldn't be bad. but the moment circuit training returns and napfa looms once more, that's it. PE is no longer fun. I'd rather do silly primary school round folk dances than do what, incline flex arm hang? gosh that sucked. but there's no more IFAH already. it's been replaced by the slightly-better-but-not-that-great-still pull ups. ah whatever.

after eating like I haven't eaten for 3 days at magic wok, went walking around around around white sands, went back to school and took another LAST sucky exam. oh yeah baby my exams are over. too bad for the poor kids who aren't done, and for poor kids like matthew who haven't even started. like why do I care. man he's still the same. unfortunate. but at least he's better then j ko. ah if even someone like sup can agree with that, man it MUST be true. hahahaha.

after lit exam went out with maril. well not really went out but yeah accompanied her to get her contacts done. then we saw kayjal at the bus stop and she joined us in our little expedition to tampines. yeah to some small little optician in tampines central which maril herself barely knew where in the world it was. but we found it anyway. but you know I'm imagining maril without specs and somehow it reminds me of yenn weii. I remember dibz laughing like shit when yenni got her contacts, because dibz was like oh my she looks BLIND! well not that she really looked blind, it's just that her eyes were sort of smaller without her specs (should be the other way round right) and she looked like she was squinting at every single thing, and dibz was like oh my she looks jia lat. but then again that's also partly because dibz didn't like her. but honestly I think that'll happen to maril. hahah. sorry darling if you're reading this. I can't say this in your face because I burst out laughing so badly the whole school will know. I mean I just think of yenn weii and I cannot take it. ahahhahahhahahhaahhahahhahaha.....

anyway took the damn 38 round and round AND ROUND AGAIN and finally got home at like 8. I wanted to get home by 8, by hook or by crook. yeah baby I wanted to watch singapore idol. heh. you know after last week the camera had a close up on sylvester when gurmit recalled all the judges' comments and OMG he was like looking DAMN DAMN DAMN pretty, I decided I shall watch again tonight and I'm quite sure he's going at least one more round. maybe more. because there's both jerry AND christopher to kick out. heh. ahhhhhhhh....

he's so pretty.

augh...which leads me straight into my ranting. don't remember how I was talking to kayjal about jrock and all the pretty felles out there. and she was like asking me, if they're music's good and all, why the heck do they need an image for? like image is only for those who can't do anything else and have NOTHING but an image to gain popularity. but honestly, what would the jrock industry do without image? what would they do if nobody cared for visual kei styles anymore? what are the cosplayers going to do? what are the cosplaying shops going to do? die? no right? then where will the fazzle dazzle of new visual bands come from? I will never have vampire buck tick, vampish totchi, elegant shinya, sexy sugizo, crazy miyavi, beautiful kimono nao? nooooooo....

okay. I've really run out of time. thanks to a lot of things. talked a lot a lot to family just now. that's the problem with this blog. I can't type it when someone's in the room. unless they're sleeping or doing something else other than staring at this screen. you know my blog's like public and all but I don't let my family see it at all. in fact I don't want them to see it. they may very well send their daughter to some psychiatrist or something to that extent. I don't want that. sheesh.

I had so much to rant about just now. now it seems like there's nothing. I'm so tired actually. no actually I'm not that tired. but somehow I'm not happy. why? I was. ah well false freedom strikes. I guess it's because first of all the exams are really tiring, then maybe I AM worried about the results after all, despite my incredibly happy appearance, and perhaps I miss some people out there, and maybe, maybe, I don't really know. for all you know it's all these lousy depressing chinese songs that's bugging me. I don't really know why. there's so many things I want to do and talk about. there's so many people I miss. nah actually I miss very very few people. but yet...I don't know. I've sort of seen everyone today. I've seen maril and mae and even avril. eewei was online just now but I forgot to call her. damn. we were supposed to arrange dinner on someday of my free free free weekend.

You know usually after my exams I'd plan the same old stuff. maril doesn't plan, but I still do. heh. I have agendas you know. but it seems that the usual agenda -- shopping, eating, repairing my sites, talking on the phone -- either don't sound good or they don't excite me. or worse still they aren't feasible. you know I planned long long long long ago that I'd call avril tonight. the minute I knew which day my promos ended I told myself I shall abstain from calling her until then. then in the end I called her before I should have, which is a blessing in disguise because I can't call her now. poor child is still damn sick.

and whatever happened to my no more saying damn project? went down the drain too? no it cannot be. I will not allow it. must stop it. really. there must be some other word for me to vent my frustrations. well that is without sounding crude or act cute. which is erm...hard? yeah. you know I was reading some of eewei's letters the other day and I realised how much I missed her really. you know she doesn't fall into a single category of friends that I have. she's no bimbo, duh, she's not totally sentimental, she's not totally morbid, she's not crazy really, I mean other than certain crappy times, and she just simply doesn't fit anywhere that I know of. somehow. and that's why I like to talk to her. because her views and experiences and things she says are different. don't ask me how. it just is.

I feel like getting a mic, plugging it into the comp and recording all I want to say. so much easier. faster. than you people out there who used to READ my blog can HEAR my blog. so cool right. I tell you after I get my mp3 player, I'll make sure it comes with a mic and all then I'll record my blog in the toilet or something and upload my blog by the mp3s. heh. I am crazy. let's face it.

let's face it
I'm not happy
why
I don't know
I'm obviously unhappy
unhappy with what
I don't know
let's face it
it's time to think about why
yeah I know you hate that question
too bad
let's face it
no point crying
actually there is a point
it's just that you've been so hard outside
you don't cry
it helps
let's face it
it does relief something
but it's so hard
it is
not true
let's face it
if it makes things better
go ahead
if there's someone to listen
go ahead
but
if you're unwilling to talk about it
then
forget it
let's face it
why not
good question
why not
I don't know
perhaps it's because
I can't just say
let's face it
well I tell that to people
people don't tell that to me
obviously they don't
whatever for
they think I'm happy
only one realises more
she knows
I'm too happy to be true
ha
like finally
let's face it
it's really true
and it's sad
no don't smile you idiot
don't smile when you feel sad inside
it's not true that I'm broken
it's not true that I'm hurt
it's not true that I'm a gone case
it's not true that I'm a cutter
let's face it
it's true that I'm upset
but not that sort of upset
where the whole world falls
let's face it
I'm unhappy
and I need to do something
right
no wrong
I don't know
I hate asking questions
which is why my silly poems like these
don't have punctuation
to avoid the question mark
stupid right
arrrgh
let's face it
one fine day
I'll tell you when the day comes
if you and I are still alive
that is

October 5th

yeah I know I'm supposed to be studying right? I'll just chatter a few things. first of all, I wrote another flunkable essay. this time in chinese. ah whatever. I was like bo chap queen today. I like took a lovely 45 min nap before lit exam. heh. so fun right. anyways saw her today. yeah darlings, avril. but poor child has a fever. and serena and gang left her to be eaten by the mynahs in the canteen in the afternoon. so poor thing.

ah econs sucked. so did lit. but who cares? it's over. after tomorrow I'm just going to go crazy. and after thursday I will simply fall flat on my face and take a good nap. you know I'm less worried about this series of exams that mid-years. don't ask me why. even lydia was commenting that I seem like damn happy for a student taking promos. heh. what to do?

and basically I kinda forgot what I wanted to say. and not to mention that I'm suffering from a backache and middle finger ache. yeah it's all that writing. and I don't have the time to rant. although I feel like doing so but honestly I don't. I'm not supposed to anyway. I was just meant to print the tpj math paper and that's that. but of course I couldn't help blogging. another reason why I thought I'd blog was vril. and oh yeah the link is wrong. I suddenly realised that the link was wrong.

okay I was wrong. the link IS right. like damn. never mind. it's still nice to blog anyway. haiz. so tired. my back really hurts. I hope I can survive tomorrow. tomorrow's going to be a taxing day. at least for my back. arrrgh. I have so many plans for post promos. I want to go out, I want to buy stuff, I want to spend time with mae and maril, I want to sleep, I want to change my homepage layout AGAIN, I want to change the pic of the 'month', I want to burn my 16 cd-rs, I want I want...

like small kid. grow up. sleep early. wake up early. all will be fine. life is but a dream. yeah dream on...

the divine wind loses its divinity @ 2023 (wah so early!!)

October 2nd

okay I am so not used to this new layout. but who cares. it's lovely shinya. one of my favourite pictures. anyway I don't really want to blog much today. wrote a disgusting GP essay and was vomitting out everything the two passages were saying for AQ. like ah whatever. I'm beginning to get tired of exams already. bo chap idiot. just stashed my last entry down there in case anybody missed it. or rather my target audience missed it. ah well you know who you are. what ever. I'm so tired now anyway. just glad that I could put this layout up before post-promos. I was thinking ah darn must wait until promos are over before putting it up.

and I am tired of searching for anime mp3s. stubborn girl. should have just asked norvin where he got all those songs from. I like mirai no eve so much. it was such a nice song that seemed to have slight malice mizer influences. and it was really nice. haiz.

tired! drained! mother was like eh don't need to study ah...I was uhhh one day lah...and she let it go, so heh here I am. with this terribly hard to read blog. I said no frills right? but honestly this kind of paragraphing and alignment can kill.

ah finally found the mp3s I wanted! go listen now. tired. really. go sleep after that. sorry this entry is freakily short, especially when you look at the previous one(s)...heh.

the divine wind loses its divinity @ 2350