November 2004

but it ended nicely. ahaha. good day today. in my skewed opinion, obviously. ahaha. not really. it was seriously quite fun today. and got some things done today too! which is good. so let's start with the very first thing that happened, okay? you know I have this terrible feeling that this entry is going to very very long somehow...

right. first, this morning, I jumped out of bed at slightly past 9, in such fright really, because I was supposed to meet amanda at harbourfront at 1030. and the thing is, I thought it'll take about 45 minutes to get there. okay mother thought 1 hour, which was why I decided to wake up at nine instead of nine thirty. oh great like what's the difference, right? oh it's loads of difference...

so I got there on time. this is so new. and amanda was late. again! gosh. anyway we went ahead without yaoqi and checked out the bus routes, beaches, toilets etc...gosh and amanda was like acting so suaku and everything and my eyes were close to rolling out of its sockets. but fun anyway. she was like AHH that's SO nice! that's so COOL! wow!! like never see sentosa before...come on, it's just sentosa. the little island with fake sand and roundabout bus routes. goodness me. I nearly died letting the bus go round and round. yaoqi spent like nearly an hour in the bus itself. he must have frozen half to death. but anyway we stayed there longer than I could honestly, and I was like oh dear it's so late. I was supposed to meet avril for lunch at 1330 but we were still stuck on the bus back to the departure centre at 1315. so I tried to call her. she didn't pick up. so finally I called her one more time at 1330 itself, on the bus back to harbourfront and it turns out that serena couldn't make it at 1300 back to school and thus there wasn't any problem with me being late.

so I told her 1430, she said fine. how was I to know that I'd be even later...I arrived at like 1440. I called her like THREE times and she didn't pick it up. somebody should sell samsung the super violent phone vibration technology. then perhaps she'll start picking her phone up. gosh. so I decided, very intelligently (also something VERY new) to walk out towards the bus interchange. actually I was thinking of buying my bus stamp first, because she was probably late. and then as usual, somehow or another, I always spot serena first. and when you see serena, you see

avril. and thus we sent serena off on her way to lynn's house and went to eat. I was famished. hungry isn't enough a word to describe it. I was like freaking starving. I was so full after lunch though. and since I told avril we were going to the bank, we went.

oh okay I was going to the bank. not her. happy? we got there at like nearly 1600 and then later we found out that the branch only closes at 1630. like oh great. the thing was, she was supposed to go home while I queue at the amazing line of people at the bank. but guess what?

poor child carried john sloman for like 3 hours before transferring it to my bag. I asked her to transfer it...she didn't want to. fine. awwww but poor child anyway. she waited with me for like 1 and a half hours at the bank. yeah. poor thing. I owe you a dinner, yeah?

and I finally understood some banking things. what a mess. anyway I got it done. all I have to do now is to scribble beautifully the order number at the back of my draft receipt, dump it nicely into an envelope and send it straight to hong kong.

HERE COMES MY KYO POETRY BOOK II !!!!!!!!!! I missed the first one so I am NOT missing this one. oh no I am NOT. I am always that crazy silly irrational fangirl and superb fan of kyo and will remain one. for now.

okay fine. I am crazy, silly AND irrational to begin with, right? actually I'm very irrational. I do things without much reason. I can't stand you. why? I don't know myself. I like this. why? I can't explain. I want it done this way, not that way. why? I...like it that way! you've got a problem? well actually I know of people who can't take it but I keep my irrational side to myself.

I try. sometimes it comes out. and sometimes it offends. but I love my irrationalism. doing stuff without reason, without proper explanations, and doing crazy things that are not just of no benefit to me, but of great loss to me. I don't know what the heck is wrong with me. and I don't know if it's good. I guess it's not. in fact I do know it's not. how could being irrational be good? how could someone choose to do something of less benefit when there's a better choice? why?

you know somehow I have this vision, this prediction that if I ever marry someone abusive or something like that, I'll just stick to him. I think so...I think I would end up among one of those crazy deluded girls who always believe that someday he'll turn around and be good again and be nice again and normal again.

watched the japanese vcd that sister bought. don't know what the name of the movie is though. but it was nice. somehow. sad, a little cliche, but lovely. so sad. and after watching 2 jealous people go mad and deluded and upset last night at 2 something in the morning, just now the super soapy CCTV drama serial finally ended. also about jealous people. so sad. the younger sister kind of wrecked almost everybody's lives around her for something selfish. and that was so sad. although the drama was seriously soapy and screamy and slappish (wah like taiwan drama) but underlying it was the age old problem of sibling rivalry, competition and jealousy.

oh my I'm turning lit! cool! okay I am going crazy. after one morning with amanda I cannot make it already. ahaha. and the entry is seriously very long already. so amazing huh, how I can type such long entries. okay I shall not rant on. need to find a nice game to play.

finger still hurts!! AHH!! but it's much better now already. but...the fact is, still pain!

I am bored.ahaha. at least for now. going to sentosa tomorrow morning. and there's nothing to do. the thing is, there isn't anything left online to do, but yet going online is the only thing left that I can do at this hour, other than talking on the phone, that is.

arrgh yesasia just sent their three day notification, which is telling me to get the money over there fast. I want to do it tomorrow, but I don't feel like doing it all by myself. but vril says it's rival bank (all thanks to her mother) and didn't want to go with me the last time. darn. and then I don't know whether mae is free. didn't ask her just now. ahhhhh don't know lah. sian.

anyway, I had some stuff to say. now I can't really remember anymore. oh yeah. now I remember. meida wonders where I get inspiration from to blog everyday, and yuting moans that my entries are darned long. so in short, where do I get inspiration to write long entries every single day?

oh well, now it isn't as long as before already. there used to be a time when the entries were so freakily long that I didn't know when to stop. but anyway, the thing is, as long as you go out, watch too much tv, watch too much of your friends, and listen to stupid radio, or the silly loudmouths sitting behind you during lunch or something, then start thinking about all these things too much and there you get inspiration to write long long entries. really. it comes from thinking about unrelated and non useful stuff that causes this incredulous flow of rubbish. that's why I always call my blog rubbish. because I really think so.

and the worst part? it's so hard to understand what in the world I'm writing. either it's too philosophical, or it's too abstract, or worse, sounds like I talking to many people. but in actual fact I'm just talking to many me-s. okay that sounds schizophrenical, but I don't care. I never did. or actually I did for a while, which is why I stuck so hard to writing about my day. in that way, I just give simple accounts of the day and all the rubbishy things I did for that day. that way I don't really sound as if I'm talking in circles and aimlessly and certainly not to multiples of myself.

what did I do today then? I watched the incredibles!!! yeah I finally watched it with sister this morning. she was like ah girl, next time don't watch 10 something show okay....I very sleepy now....oh well, so was I, anyway. I slept like 3 and a half hours in the afternoon. I didn't intend to sleep so much actually, but looks like I needed it. otherwise why else would I sleep so much, right? okay don't ask stupid questions now...

actually I don't feel like blogging anymore. not in the mood actually. like oh great then how in the world did I manage to type so much? actually I don't really know why I type this much. I just do. thoughts just come in and out and in and out. that's why sometimes I'm not really in the mood, then I'll stop, then suddenly I'll think of something or something happens and I want to talk about it then I'll continue my entry. you can tell, like whenever I have this long dashed line, means that I continued my entry. but usually that happens like an hour after I blogged initially. and that's like woah...

okay enough. my fingers are getting cold. serious! don't really know why either. ahhh I don't know anything. happy?

november is seriously ending. so is my holiday? perhaps. time goes faster than I think. but somehow these days don't seem to fly by as fast as the rest of the year. especially first three months. still think about it sometimes. how fun it was. you know at first I didn't really like it much. but now I somehow think it might be better. yet there are so many factors to consider. so it isn't fair to say that my present class isn't good. oh great. so like why did I even bring this stupid topic up in the first place? I don't know. it just popped up in my brain. not too complex, huh?

anyway, today. went out for lunch with sarah, grace and aileen. 1 post o level and 2 post a level. all crazy already. actually I'm the craziest of all. have always been. like what's new right? but stomach was really terrible. then suddenly it stopped aching. but I came home early anyway. they were walking about heartland and I didn't intend to go round that puny place that I've lived near to for all my life one more time. it just sounded sad.

and then since I came home early, I was naturally bored. so played some piano, like super ballad nobody's home again, but finger didn't feel too good, so stopped after a while. then I turned the computer on and then I called avril. then her mum needed the phone. darn. but anyway her mum explained to her who explained to me what in the world money order is! oh yay! and I can use it easily enough. it's just that I have to step out of the house. and that is hard this week. well first of all I'm aching like nuts. then take a look at my schedule man.

monday, tomorrow, watching the incredibles (finally) with sister! in the morning, then going home to watch moonchild in the afternoon!! wahaha. then tuesday morning going to sentosa with yaoqi and amanda to check out the place, then maybe coming back in time for street publicity and then don't really know what time it'll end. hey maybe I can go down on tuesday afternoon. because wednesday through friday I have bible trail, and bt is a whole day thing.

LOUSY BANKS!! why in the world do they all close at 1600h?? darn. make my life so hard. if it closed later like 2000 or 2100 at least I can make it easily. stupid banks. sigh. they can't even close at 1700. 9 to 5, no? gosh. what a bother.

okay now avril tells me that not all banks close at 1600. like huh??! I know of banks who can't wait to throw you out man...but oh well. what she said made sense. banks with larger crowds close later. naturally, right? I guess, for people with some brains...

anyway, found something new to muse about! or scream about, rather. it's this weird korean (yeah you didn't see wrongly) group. really weird. first, they have a kanji name! but of course it's in korean as well. it's dong fang shen qi (god rises from the east side). then they have strange names too! goodness me. it's actually quite stupid. but anyway I saw them on mtv asia and I spotted this felle, can't escape my eyes you pretty boy...and I just started searching like nuts for pictures. so here's one nice one.

cool ah? okay that's not the prettiest picture really. but anyway here's april's picture, with him on it (he's hero, by the way...so lame right), and the layout's not done, although it's quite obvious what sort of layout it would look like...considering that I've taken more pride in my photoshop skewed pictures rather than my incredulously terrible html. ahaha. here it is:

there is something wrong with me. april 2005??? that's like a long way away...at this rate, I'll finish next year's layouts by this holiday, because I have inspiration for may 2005 already!! oh dear. and I still haven't blogged ANYTHING about 1984 yet!! oh no...I still haven't finished reading. somehow I never seem to get down to finishing it. terrible. read it after moonchild tomorrow. MUST...

okay that's it. should sleep soon. otherwise I'll sleep through moonchild, since I've watched it like twice already...but this time it's going to have subtitles! hope the subtitles turn out decent and not ugly and obstructing. I hope.

alrighty. money order is going to cost me a mere 5 dollars. for their admin fee, that is. well non account holders pay double. for little work. or at least I don't really think it's that much, considering that I pay the postage anyway, which isn't much either...

oh sheesh. arms and finger aching like nuts. very painful. thank goodness I didn't really go out today, other than for a short dinner with daddy. and well I've realised today that the knuckle of the middle finger on my right hand (the painful finger, that is) is swollen. slightly though. it's not very obvious until you compare it to my other fingers and my other hand. that's why it doesn't hurt to type nor play the piano. because the painful part is the knuckle area, not the rest. but still ouch anyway. it means that I can't stretch the finger...so painful...and having very very bad muscle aches too. sheesh. the last time I felt like that was quite some time ago...like when we first started circuit training. yeah it's that sort of feeling, but at least this time it's limited to just my upper body because my legs don't do anything when I'm kayaking. well other than trying to kick people off my kayak, that is.

and wahahaha thank God for the weather yesterday! it was pouring on thursday, sunny like nuts today, and it was SO nice yesterday! and it's all thanks to Him. I know quite some people prayed hard for the weather yesterday...I was scared for one. and I really really wanted to go kayaking. yeah even though I prepared quite well for the wet weather programme...but oh never mind. save my little bible quiz for another wet weather programme. ahaha.

spent some time talking to joanne yesterday too. okay not talking as in really sitting down, talking about life that kind of thing. it's just that usually I just say hi and bye and some rubbish to joanne which takes like 2 minutes, but yesterday was more. well we were all at parkway, gathered and then we took the bus and I was walking with her to east coast park. okay now so what about joanne, right?

you're not going to like this. ahaha. I suddenly realised that joanne is REALLY REALLY a LOT LOT like avril. way more than I thought, really. and it's scary. that two people totally unrelated are so similar. I don't really know how to put it. it goes beyond interests and preferences. they have similar behavioural patterns and traits too. and now that is seriously frightening.

okay enough. stop scaring yourself. I feel like calling avril again...like oh dear right? but I really do. and this time there's no clothes to wash...ahaha. I'm bored. can you tell? I don't really feel like replying maril today, despite me being bored. yeah. ahaha. and there's like nobody online that I feel like talking to. ah actually I've always prefered the phone. talk more in less time. and it's faster to talk than type. and sometimes easier. only kaiting types in chunks. and I mean chunks. haven't talked to that girl for some time. but I know she's darn busy.

should I call? I'm scared she's going to bathe again. ahaha. who cares right? calling...

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AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! my sister bought the vcd of MOONCHILD!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!!!! with english subtitles too!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! and guess how much it cost her?

uhhhhh my finger is VERY VERY painful...it simply can't bend too much. it would hurt so badly. I thought it would be fine already. obviously not yet. ouch...I can type, but I think I can't play the piano for a while. at least these few days. not good to overstrain it, because I don't rightly know what's wrong with it.

so why is it painful in the first place??? ahaha. went kayaking after the session in the morning. yeah all we east area yfc kids. actually there weren't so many...it was just 13 single kayaks and 3 doubles. so that makes 19 people in total, which was rather manageable, since we expected 18 actually. then suddenly I don't WHERE they came from...all the guys appeared, then xin pei and her friend plus pei er also came...and jasmine joined us too. and those IDIOTIC guys...all zhijie's fault. goodness me. what pirates of east coast. so DUMB!!!! gosh you know jasmine and I were initially worried about whether some of the smaller ones like xinpei and first-timers like joelle and charissa were going to be able to manage capsizing, and in fact victor wasn't going to have capsize drills. in the end, it wasn't a matter of whether they could manage capsizing, it was whether they could manage the trauma of being capsized continually by a bunch of idiots managed by zhijie! oh gosh.

and I was innocent okay! like why did they capsize me 3 times??? okay the first time was because I was trying to help joelle and her friend. they were all attacking her kayak and we girls were trying to stabilise her boat by rafting up. and then that VICTOR LUM came along and capsized me!!! ARRRGHH. and I hate capsizing for a simple reason. not because I'll get wet, but because I don't have sufficient arm strength to actually pull myself up onto the boat again. I need a lot of help. and they overturned me thrice. like oh great. although I screamed yaoqi off at first (wahaha yaoqi do NOT make me scream...) that idiot kept splashing and insisting that he capsize me.

stupid lin yao qi....I will not forgive you. the idiot capsized me!!! ARRRGHHHH!!!! but anyway pei er helped me take revenge...with a lot of other people too!! ahahaha yeah he overturned too. so funny!! he tried so hard to stay afloat, but with kooncheng swinging and swinging with everyone else, and even zhijie, cannot make it!! ahahaha. and that zhijie was like singing dayung sampan so loudly I wasn't surprised that joelle's friend really believed that zhijie's voice is so loud because he swallowed a microphone when he was young...

it was fun anyway. but one of the times when I capsized I didn't grip onto the boat properly, and thus my finger kinda twisted or something. so now it hurts like mad. but we had loads of fun. zhijie said next time he wants to be a pirate again...gosh.

You are a RSYG--Reserved Sentimental Physical Giver. This makes you a Nice Guy/Nice Girl.

Oh, poor RSYG. You're the one all your friends of your target sex *should* be dating when you have to watch them go out with jerks. You're the sweet one that the lead in a romantic comedy ends up with after s/he learns a valuable lesson. You're the best friend, the chaperone and the shoulder to cry on when you should be the lover. Well, no one ever said people were smart.

You dislike conflict -- you prefer to express yourself through action, not discussion -- but you know it is necessary. This means you are more likely to tackle an issue before it grows, but you're also more likely to stop fighting before the issue is resolved to your satisfaction. This isn't necessarily a bad thing -- it's kind of a nice compromise between fighting about everything and fighting about nothing -- but you have to remember to look out for your own interests sometimes.

You have a strong sexual appetite, but it seems so out of place with the rest of your persona that people find it hard to believe. Often they try to shield you from sexual content -- it's ridiculous, but you can use it to your advantage: everybody wants someone clean in the kitchen and dirty in the bedroom. That's you.

You don't want to cheat, but you might. Especially since it's only when you're in a relationship that you start getting the attention from your target sex that you should have been getting all along. Your experiences could make you misanthropic if you weren't so tenderhearted.

ahahaha. it sounds too weird. the paragraphs on ys' blog sounds better..ahahah. but that's him, not me.

AHHHHHHH!!!!!! gone crazy. 2 things. 1. I bought the kyo poetry book!!!! wahahaha. okay I ordered it. I haven't paid a cent yet. but I've decided to pay by cheque. unless I find out how in the world money order works. which I don't mind anyway. otherwise I'll never use my cheque book again, would I? I know it's not expensive. 10 cents a cheque, yeah? we'll see about it.

2. I'm talking to avril!! ahaha. after screaming about her not caring about me. ahaha. I suddenly realised something just the other day. I used to scorn at those stupid little juniors who just simply go crazy over their seniors, and some AHEM vice versa...yeah like joanna and jasmine, atikah and joanna, alicia and adeline, christabel and adeline, yenn weii and adibah...blah blah blah. so many of them. the best of all, xiaowen and jiayi. shocker man. but anyway yeah. I think I've sort of fallen among that category all of a sudden. oh no the best case isn't those two. it's elizabeth and eewei. yeah that's the ultimate. anyway I used to really laugh off these people, like thinking what the heck is their problem man. and they liked weird seniors. well at least seniors I didn't like...except dibz, jia yi and eewei lah. other than that..was really ahem. I felt especially sad for stephanie thanks to joanna.

okay enough. enough about those lousy people. talked a lot about band days with kayan earlier this afternoon. too much in fact. angela was super amazed at the amount we talked. the way we talk about band is like how the guys talk about army, I guess. can't stop. never forget too. somehow.

speaking of juniors, ran into wanting and vera after street evangelism today. okay I went to scare them, okay? it was funny anyway. oh and I bought safety pins!! ahaha. like finally. but whether I'll really get down to doing things proper I don't know.

ahhhh tomorrow going kayaking. God please don't let it rain!! please!!! I really hope that we can go kayaking. it sounds better than having a quiz and bowling. that'll be so sad. please don't rain!

go sleep...it's so late. and I have one whole day tomorrow. let's hope that nap of mine did some good to my sleeping pattern...I don't really think so actually. I was in such a bad mood suddenly just now. I think it's just because stupid msn refused to sign in and everything and I couldn't continue talking to avril and I was so pissed and I was actually talking to vicky and maril and vril at the same time. it's like nearly all the lovely people at the same time. and then sister must come and do her stuff. okay that was fine with me, it's just that she took an entire hour to do it. and she said it'll be fast. gosh. okay maybe I should stop snapping at sister. I keep doing that nowadays. terrible. keep the record. we don't really quarrel, remember? smile!

so fast. it's the 24th. and that means I need to buy bus stamp again soon. like oh man. it's going too fast. but I always say that it's going too fast. so it's unfair. okay I'm talking in circles. I realised something the other day. my december layout is black text on red background. not white on red. so ys you can read next month's one...ahaha...

went to eh early in the morning at 9 am..gosh. and I'm going again at 0930 tomorrow. I was pretty happy about the fact that I could wake up late. but now I guess not. but never mind. need to learn to wake up earlier, and sleep less. otherwise if I pig away an entire holiday just like the hari raya puasa weekend, I'll die next year. I'd probably not wake up for the first day of school. or in fact I may not even remember that it's the next year anymore.

okay I AM talking in bigger circles. let me think now. what was I supposed to talk about today? wait. is there anything I really wanted to talk about today? I don't know. I'm like just blogging for the sake of it. I don't really have much agenda. never really did actually. but quite sleepy today. so perhaps shall sleep earlier. but...I think avril's coming back to her computer later. so how??? oh dear. I'm at it again. luckily I decided against calling her just now. sure get scolded. she's watching amazing race. goodness knows why she likes that show so much.she should join mae. same kind. csi and amazing race.

you know I can't wait for this month to be over. I blog daily and I'm sick of this layout.although I made it very nice and all but there comes a saturation point. damn crys removed her silas marner summary thing! and I was just reading it yesterday. it was amusing. ahahahahaha. couldn't stop laughing. it is SO crystal you know. but oh well. better than ys' chemistry experiment with feelings. goodness me. but darned entertaining.

just read maril's 1984 blog. I need to read that book. gosh. need to read it real properly. and start on my holiday homework. ahaha. sounds bad. a blog for homework. who would have known? even avril laughed. I think the girl went to bathe or something. she's like still away. unless amazing race is another 2 hours today. goodness me. I don't think so right? I hope not!

I'm getting fangirlish again. over what? avril?! I don't know. ooooh this is bad. but actually I don't know if it's worse. before her exams she was at home at the least. but now she keeps going out, watching tv and everything. I don't know.

and the stupid track is REMINDING me of HER!!!! AHHHHHHH. stupid avril lavigne. but I really like this song very much. so I decided not to shut it off for the song's sake.

anyway I shall go do this stupid quiz I saw on yuting's blog. be back soon. got stupid results. so I shall not post them. spoils my reputation. perhaps you're wondering if I have one. oh yes I do. not too bad a reputation in fact. people always try to poke fun at me, saying yeah you have a reputation, a real dead bad one. hey think harder okay. I don't. I barely have a reputation. now that's true. it's good to lie low. to keep low profile. no point having the whole world know you, yah? but of course it's good to have real good contacts when you need them. like duhh. I'm getting inspiration for april 2005. which reminds me, I need to link my new layouts from my main page. otherwise it's so freakily weird, like why can you access the layouts from here and not from the main pages. so I need to do that.

in fact, shall do that now. and where is that avril lim....grumble grumble....ah damn that child. playing games. I KNEW IT.

go watch inuyasha!!! seems quite nice. wahaha. yeah ys you were saying something about watching some anime???!! be right back. yeah. I think.

back. stupid computer hung again. the thing's memory is running low. need to get rid of certain things. sigh. like not again...

GO SLEEP. stupid lim hui shan avril. play so much games for what. AIYAH it's her holidays stop cursing her. she's your world but not the other way around. GET IT??!!

let's talk about the day again. my ankle hurts like nuts. mother says that I ought to wear an ankle guard the next time I go running around like that. but...sheesh. ankle guards. don't like them. and they are so darned ugly. ahaha.

anyway went to eh in the morning to fax the insurance thing. don't really know if it was a blessing in disguise or not really. well first some stuff screwed. I sent myself the wrong file. then I delayed in faxing, so I met mae later instead. but anyway if I met her earlier, then I would have to hang around golden mile complex waiting for her doing nothing. but then I would have had my lunch by then. oh forget it. so basically that explains the morning. ahaha.

and then we went to orchard, as we were supposed to. and as my instinct told me last night, I didn't run into avril and gang. duh. it was like pouring cats and dogs and goodness knows WHat. mae and I were like stuck in between wisma and taka for like 3 hours plus. then finally went to misexclusive but they don't seem to make preorders anymore. and didn't really know whether to buy that cute humane looking kyo picture, so I didn't in the end. so sad right. but I bought something else instead!! *go gets the camera to take a picture of it*

so nice right?? mae says it's so emily the strange. and I LOVE emily the strange. it's so nice!! AHHH I couldn't believe I actually bought it. I've always wanted one of those...but none in singapore ever looked nice. until...until.....AHHHHHHHHHHH!!! okay the picture is not super clear, but anyway it's totally black and yeah it's a necklace. woohoo! I meant to like buy some clothes today but ended up like that. sigh. me and accessories. never seem to finish. that's part of the reason why I refuse to pierce my ears. other than the fact that I'm scared of pain and infections, I don't intend to increase my expenditure by adding earrings to the list.

but it's so LOVELY, exquisite, if you must. anyways came home, talked about my dear dysfunctional friends again, but this time to mother. then went to bathe and tried to rest my left ankle. goodness me perhaps I should go get a checkup. it's like so painful.

haiz. vicky HAD to remind me of mtv, right? so here I go downloading again. what's it this time? it's s.h.e. AGAIN, but now it's tong kuai...ahaha. like ooooh...should go make friends with jo, right? on second thoughts, no. he sings horribly. ahahahahahaha.

ahaha listening to it now. actually I don't really mind s.h.e. serious! oh it's back to nobody's home. again. AHHHHHHHHH!!!! love that song oh so suddenly. and then talking about my dysfunctional friends nearly made me cry. mother asked if I've ever felt like them before. oh well, in a way I have. different from them, definitely. our backgrounds are so different. if anybody out there thinks you're miserable and your parents suck and life sucks like hell, please come and tell me. I'll tell you the sort of family (if you can call them that) my friends come from and I tell you, you'll go running and thanking God for what ever you have. trust me.

lost inside...broken inside...confused, directionless, dreamy, cynical, afraid, insecure. hurt, angry, self abusive, extreme, experimental. and the scariest part? there are so many of them out there. so many. YG's students are like oH so MaNY..too many. it's frightening. when you think about the so called affluency, literacy, and all the betterment of life that we've got, and then you watch the society degrade and watch the next generation go down the drain straight into living hell, you really wonder what's going to happen. has civilisation and development and technological progression really helped? or has it made the world turn faster, lose more control, and is displayed in the children of today?

okay that sounded so gp. but it's true. the world is ending. last days. I really believe it.

wahaha a levels is OVER...for avril. yeah. for silly girl. so what's wrong with me? actually I don't know. I think it's partly because of her. I'm in such a good mood today. well let's recap. oh I haven't done this for so long, isn't it??

this morning I woke up late. or rather, I woke up late but not late enough for yap mae to call. anyway she didn't call. so never mind. she said she'll call if she's free at 11 plus, so I set my clock to ring at 10 and I woke up at past ten. and then I ate breakfast, the lovely literally hamburger mother made, got a cup of milo, and then I went to play piano. mother had gone out already. went to play some crazy songs. I meant to play the slower, minor key stuff. ended up banging and running again. can't seem to help it. but I can't do it properly again. nails getting long again. if I insist on running I need to cut them. but I need to be in a bad mood/angry to cut them. HOW??? okay stop going crazy.

then after that daddy went out, leaving me alone at home. again. I didn't mind. I went on project angst redone. ahaha. basically I turned all my favourite angsty songs, my happy ending, nobody's home, from the inside, crawling and numb into soppy quiet little ballads. I feel like recording them. sounds so much better than screaming all day. like oh dear what's happened to me? I used to advocate so much screaming and thrashing to the point where I listen to overdoses of kyo shouting unintelligibles in the studio and allowing linkin park to scream me away. so what's this about angst redone? I don't really know actually. sometimes it's good to quieten down, I think.

so after playing nobody's home, both versions for like an hour plus plus (I really like the song yeah) and then I went to watch tv. I was flipping between 51 and 54 like crazy and couldn't really find anything nice to watch, other than F generation and the later programme that visited hei ren's house with ah liang. but then slightly earlier than ah liang, I caught a mv on 54 with he jun xiang on it!! ahh!!!! and then they cut it!!! I was so irritated. and it was the ai qing he yue footage one, which means it's the image that I like!!! ahhhhh!!! even meida says he's not bad okay...

and then...and then...AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I caught the mv of WuHa by wilber!! so STUPID!!! but then again, it's wilber pan. what else did you expect, other than pure lameness? but I had a really good laugh. especially the part where he wrote the wrong chinese word! ahaha. he wrote you chou bi bao (revenge must be taken), but instead of bao (taken), he wrote the bao for hug! ahaha I laughed so hard because he was like putting so much effort into writing those calligraphic words and then....write wrong word. so stupid. and their showdown was just to push this huge urn to and fro and see who can push it harder...so dumb. and the worst part. the lyrics are written by lin xi! like what was she thinking...

and then after that mother came home, real late though, with lovely beef brisket noodles. very nice, very filling. and then I read more papers, watched MORE tv...then of course, monday MUST have my smurfs!! can't go without them. although I will have to tomorrow. going out with mae tomorrow! like finally. took so long to finally get to go out with her. and if arranging with mae is so hard, can you imagine maril and vril? die...

so after all the tv, went to bathe, eat a little dinner (lunch was SO filling man) and then it was online time again! and on the line time too. trying to settle all the stuffs. there are like so much fewer people than I expected. to the point where I couldn't believe it. rainer collected like 3 team leader's people's particulars and there are only 9? like...sure or not...and then at most if I add ailing and wenxing's plus sharon's, it comes to...perhaps 20? and that's like the most...oh well. don't know. never mind.

time to sleep! long day tomorrow. sort of. tiring day tomorrow. yeah that's more likely. tiring. orchard I come AGAIN...sigh. avril went there today. I expected it. she's going to city hall tomorrow. with her gang, which seems okay now...yeah I'm hoping that somehow from city hall she'll take the mrt one or two stops down and run into me. but I know that doesn't happen just because I wish it to. no matter how hard I try...it doesn't work that way. but I can still wish...right?

just talked to silly girl. ahaha. like why did I call her? and called her without much deliberation this time? I really don't know. I called her on a very stupid issue. and somehow that silly issue digressed till we managed about 45 minutes worth of talk time. yeah silly girl ends her a levels tomorrow. and she and her gang are so happy, and they forgot that jill is in their midst...poor thing. can you imagine? lynn will be jumping up and down and painting the whole town red whilst darling jill will be stuck at home till thursday studying what? PHYSICS. AHAHA. I'm so sorry. just so....funny. okay it was supposed to be sad right???

listening to nobody's home for like the entire day...I've memorised the song (yeah another one done in 2 days...), so that adds to the list. but I realised that I've not sung I miss you for too long. I'm beginning to stumble over the lyrics again. if only studies were just like that...like lyrics that stick in there. which reminds me. I still haven't gotten down to memorising ti shen. I was supposed to...then in the end I memorised mei guan xi. so dumb. but never mind...

now I'm listening to yan wei die again. realised that I forgot to write in my previous entry. I got the song thanks to ys!! ahaha. don't know why it doesn't seem to be available for download. and just realised that sister's precious zhong jian is by fish leong too...why in the world did she name herself fish ah? meida was also wondering yesterday...

haiz. hope mae is free enough tomorrow. need to buy safety pins. loads of them. LOADS. I finished my necklace today. but it looks a little weird. I think it's too small. so I shall lengthen it someday perhaps tuesday or something and then it shall be ready to wear! not bad eh?

oh and I finally completed my february 2005 layout!!!!! be proud of me!!! okay that's wrong. I didn't complete the layout. I completed the picture only. I haven't done the html at all. but completion of the picture is a lot of it done. because all I need to do now is to put in the blog entry layer, make the background fixed, change the colour of the scrollbars, and I'm done. oh and I have to think of what line to use as a signoff, since I've decided on the title line like long ago. ahaha. okay you kids can view the picture here:

that's it! I don't know what else to type. in quite a good mood today. due to quite a number of things. first is that I got the chords for nobody's home out (goodness it's similar to lp...perhaps that explains why I like it), then I got to sing it REAL loud today because I was alone at home, then I completed the picture for february 2005, and then waha I called avril. yeah like duh. she sounded much much way much better today. I mean suddenly her voice is normal again and she isn't upset, frightened, annoyed, stressed or sick. she....sounded like she used to. some months back. the pre prelims avril. that kind of voice. smile. I liked it when she sounded like that. not so worrying. sigh.

listening to nobody's home again!! I think I found out why the lyrics strike such a chord within me. I mean most of these angsty lyrics don't really apply much, and those that apply only apply rather remotely. but nobody's home really hits hard. and it nearly made me cry. and lyrics seldom do that to me, because either it's cliche, or it's negligible. now I know why. it makes me think of hannah and minnie. put together. like going home to an empty place, with nobody there, nobody knows when they cry, no one knows when they're upset. they try so hard to be happy, to stay strong, but deep down they're so broken, so upset, so angry. they're gaining direction, finally. well minnie found hers faster than hannah, and I hope that even though hannah found hers a little late, she can still make it. I really hope so. I know minnie can. I know she will. I'm just worried about hannah.

I couldn't tell you why she felt that way, she felt it everyday. And I couldn't help her, I just watched her make the same mistakes again...really man. strikes so deep in me. especially since it's written from a friend's/third person's point of view. it's like me looking at them, not knowing what to do. I don't know what I can do to help. all I can do is hope and pray hard that they'll pull through. those two girls have gone through so much problems and experiences and troubles and angst I don't know if they can make it on their own. perhaps it's good that they have each other. perhaps it's better that they have God. that God's been pulling them through, trying to bring them back to Him. I don't know.

her feelings she hides, her dreams she can't find, she's losing her mind, she's fallen behind, she can't find her place, she's losing her faith, she's fallen from grace, she's all over the place...

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the phone is my life. I know it. I should have known. I was thinking about it while waiting for the accursed bus to get me to the mrt (gah late again anyway). actually, come to think of it, why in the world am I thinking about something like that, but hey like what's new. I think so much about things that are of not much concern, and think too deeply regarding things that causes me pain and problems. so silly right? oh well. anyway, take a look at this.

yifang - 1 hr
maril - 1 hr
mae - 2 hr
ys - 2 hr
eewei - 2 hr
adam - 2 hr
carr - 2 hr
vicky - 3 hr
avril - 4 hr
joyce - 6 hr

I must be crazy. over the phone. yeah darlings those are figures, gruelling hours of listening to my voice of dread through the communication lines. hiak hiak...sounds evil. perhaps I am. nah I am NOT evil. neither am I scary. I insist. ahahaha.

went out with meida and her two friends, jingfang and wan keng. part of "her gers", I assume. they are darn cute. both of them. not to mention that they're so small in size. somehow or another they seemed so familiar. then I realised who they reminded me of. somehow they seem to be like jia ying and jie ying. yeah those two cute girlfriends of mae. they are both somewhat like that. small size, very cute, a bit lame and crap...something like that. nice to be with, but not quite the kind of people who will be my good friends. I guess it doesn't work that way for me...still trying to classify the type of people my good friends fall under. it's beginning to get very difficult. increasingly difficult as I befriend more people. I'm trying to find that thin strand, that seriously very very small thin strand that keeps these people in the same category. I believe the strand is VERY thin. it must be. look at the people on the list above. they are all so...different. not all, but quite a number of them.

yeah! got the 2 songs I wanted. I suddenly decided to get nobody's home. I got untitled yesterday. oh well it's rather nice...very...avril. ahaha. I mean, put untitled, the scientist, I miss you altogether, you get that pattern of slow rock ballad sound. you...see it? ahaha. yes ys avril IS real...she's not a figment of my imagination and neither am I crazy over that lavigne. in fact I cannot stand lavigne. I can only bear these 2 songs. it was just one song. then after laughing so hard at nobody's home I think it ain't too bad too. you know why? it's because the melody isn't so typical lavigne. there is still a little trace of her chord progression within it but not so obvious. I mean nothing is as similar and annoying as complicated and don't tell me put together right? you can practically sing those two songs together.

ugh sister's history notes are staring at me. vietnam war. like why do I care. ahaha. actually when it comes to this subject called history, I just like reading about it. don't ask me to do a postmortem on it or analyse like why did they do it and examine me on it. nooo...I'll hate you. well I already do. I don't really hate history. although I say so.

you know I always tell people what I hate. like I hate chilli, I hate lavigne, I hate history, I hate you. ahaha. I'm anti so many things. oh yeah it includes jay chou and gareth gates (sorry kurseth). just like my unknown fuel for going against isshi and kikasa. ah can't stand all these. but does anyone out there know what I like? they don't know much. why? because I don't really know exactly what I like. I'm very difficult. very. extremely. to the max. really.

annoyingly true. oh well. bought my beads! well not all that I wanted. couldn't find some stuff. so I concentrated on just getting the stuff for my necklace first. the rest...oh well..another day then. and I shall book mae in advance. goodness me. as if she's some restaurant space that requires booking one week in advance. jamie oliver has 1 year of waiting time so...you'll never know. ahaha.

walked too much today. after not walking a lot for so many months. my ankle is killing me. in particular that old old old injury in that left one...ouch. cannot make it. totally. I realised that above I digressed so badly that I forgot to say what's the other song that I got other than nobody's home (AHAHAAHAH!!). yeah sorry still laughing. laugh and laugh. and I'm not done...

yeah I got yan wei die by fish leong. I'm not a fan of hers really, but I like the song. maybe it's me and the rock sound. I don't understand how people can listen to an album full of soothing smooth quiet chinese pop songs about some jerk out there who dumped you for somebody not better. no I can't take it that way. sheesh. I need something hard core. or at least harder, in between. I'll have a problem too if you put stuff like the scientist, she will be loved, perfect...all together at one shot. it's overload of ballad too. but I won't die of it. sometimes I DO have the mood for something like that. but I'll really die a horrid death if you put love, me, secret garden, I wanna grow old with you THIS kind of songs together ALL at one shot. cannot stand it. what's so nice about them? oh okay they're darn sweet, so AWW...I'm sorry but I don't find them AWW at all. cannot bear it.

there IS something wrong with me. always remember that. I insist very badly. well listen. if I can take metallica and slipknot, you get the picture. and it doesn't help that I listen to a lot of dir en grey and miyavi. ahaha. doesn't at all.

okay. should go sleep. although I was awoken by sister...but since I decided to blog every day for this month (don't know about next month, since there's the retreat) I woke up at 0000 to type this entry. better stop because ah ma is here. oh dear I feel like vril and her ah ma. ahaha. but my ah ma doesn't sleep in the same room as me. my room is full. it's just that it's not very nice...

you know it's easy to tell people things. easy to tell them what they ought to do and what they ought not to do and you seemingly know the rationale behind all these things and the source of the rationale and you've heard the answers to issues so many times. in fact sometimes you feel it's been too many times. but yet when it comes down to doing it, it becomes something that you wish you never knew, something you wish you didn't hear about, something you wish never happened. but sorry dears, it's too late. when conscience decides to pay a visit, you've got to let her in.

conscience paid a visit today. I was determined not to let her arrive today. I was so...but she came anyways. I just said something about not skipping lectures yesterday, didn't I? I did right? it's right down there. scroll down. and what did I do to myself today? yeah I skipped lit. very unhappily, but that's not the point. the fact remains that I did. and I promised lydia and myself I wouldn't. I don't know. it's like the superb power of peer pressure and the loneliness. I seem to have this problem.

let's scroll down and see if I can find that day...found it. 12th november. I cried remember? guess why. I was just talking to mother really, and somehow this issue came up. I don't enjoy talking about the issues in my life. there are quite a number. and they're aren't the normal kind. you know parents out there always trying to solve certain cliche issues, like BGR, homosexuality, self identity, blah blah. you people know the list. I don't need that. or actually I don't know what I need. I know what I DON'T need.

anyways, back to the issues with my mother. or rather, the issue I talked with my mother which caused me to cry so hard that day. it's actually the loneliness issue. you know when I was younger I gave in a lot to many people. I was always so scared that they'll hate me, that they'll leave me ALL alone, that they'll stop caring for me, that they'll forget I exist. oh yeah you bet it sounds silly. like nowadays everybody just says goodness me you SILLY girl! live independently! doesn't matter if people hate you! if you don't like them, say so!

you try. just try. unless you're born a loner or an anti-social freak case, it's not that easy. true that there are direct and straighforward people out there, but I'm quite sure that there are certain issues and people that they don't say what they really feel. or at least, that's not the way to survive the society today. I remember something that ailing was saying last time. quite some time back. she was saying how hard it is for people to stand on their own feet and stick to what they believe in and all that because they're scared that they'll be left out, abandoned. but she said that we're not alone. we've got God up there who's always there. forever and never changing. and He'll help us see loneliness in a different light.

somehow or another, we can't run away from the world. it's always there, telling us ideas, giving us certain mindsets and ideals. and it's never easy to get away from what the world says. you want to know why people love gossip? because they want to hear what people say. they're scared that their name appears there. they feel better when someone else is dissed harder than them. they enjoy bitching about people. why? because it makes them feel better. and they enjoy it when they realise that there's this whole bunch of people who feel the same way. so cool huh? yeah right.

think. why do people join gangs, form cliques, get significant other halves at random. think very very hard. actually they're pretty insecure people too. true that people need friends, need people by them to feel like there's something known as humans out there. but sometimes people cling on too hard to all these things. they need the identity, to belong to somewhere.

but I belong somewhere. I belong to the kingdom of God. and He's always there. so why do I cling on to such things so hard? I don't really know. or do I? perhaps. or perhaps I don't want to ask myself this questions. I don't fancy hard questions. some people love asking hard questions. they like to either stimulate their own brains, or kill others' brains. I don't like either. am I lazy? perhaps. am I running away? even more so I think. I think I'm quite an escapist. that's why I sleep so much. when I have a lot of things I don't want to do or think about at hand, I just go sleep. I know that I shouldn't be sleeping but I still do. so sad. I feel sad for myself.

so since I'm such a sad case, it leads to the next question (like GROAN another ONE?). do I want to do anything about this? oh yeah I do. but what the HECK am I doing? nothing. why? aha I know why. it's because I know it's hard. I know it hurts. it's so hard to do this. to take everything from the inside and just THROW it all AWAY. take everything that's blocking your mind, that's burdening you, throw it away. give it all away. trash it. burn it. get it out of your system. it hurts. there are so many old things, old filthy rotten things stuck inside, unwilling to come out. like an annex glued to the cover. worse than staples. my annex isn't stapled. it isn't stuck slightly either. it's totally glued, like with elephant glue, to the cover. has anybody unearthed it? no. has anyone tried pulling this annex out? plenty. and what happens to the pages when you try to rip the annex apart from the cover? it tears, doesn't it? in the same way, it hurts.

and when it DOES hurt a lot, I shut my book. you won't open it properly ever again. I'll lock up certain pages. I'll take your key to my book away. take it away. you don't come near me. I'm not one of those open book people. you can't read me this way. of course if you do, you'll get along with me. but if I never give you the key to the locked pages, you'll never be my true friend.

I don't know if I'll ever unstick those pages. I need to. but I don't know how. or actually I do know how. there's only one way anyway. it's called rip. pull..........and there's no way to stop the pain. yeah it'll get ripped and everything, but the whole point is to rip it straight out. throw it away, remember?

stuck. so stuck. 17 years of pages. there are so many pages. I'm trying to unstick them slowly. then it won't hurt so much. but sometimes I ask myself too, why am I so scared of the hurt? you know chinese have this phrase, chang tong bu ru duan tong (if it's going to hurt a lot over such a long period, why not shorten the time and let it hurt all at once). okay that phrase was darn hard to translate. like why not just pull it out at one shot, then I don't have to care about it anymore! but it takes a lot more than you think. way lot more.

it's something stuck within those pages. something. you see, it's stuck down, so I myself can't see what's inside it anymore. and my memories don't carry a long way. so I guess it's hard to dig out certain factors too. like where did my morbidity, my dysfunctionality, my gothicness, my obsessions, my compulsions originate from? there must be a starting point. and I know it lies somewhere within those stuck pages. I've unlocked my pages so many times. it isn't in there. so it must be the annex.

ms rant decided to go home for a while. oh well something tells me that she'll come back.

layout madness is back! I've got an inspiration again! actually I got quite a number of inspiration these 2 days or so. better write them all down here. then I won't forget them or twist them. OH YEAH!

1. I want to make my cross. shall get prettier beads (since dear wanting didn't bring them today) and good thin nylon string. oh and the black band, of course. leather? nah...try something else. something plasticy that doesn't rot (since I sweat this much)...

2. my safety pins. I swear it's my next greatest obsession after avril and pretty boys. it gave me 2 inspirations. therefore...

a. my layout. I intend to do something with the 2 miserable (out of 33 pages of searching) pictures of safety pins I have and somehow lay them out all over perhaps the border. oh THAT'S it! the border will be filled with them! then I'll make the background of the entries translucent! like a manual iframe! wahaha!! but I still don't know if it should be black/white, black/red, purple/red or...something else. actually purple/red sounds so garish. then black/white and black/red sound so cliche. so how? I'll test it out...soon...OH I KNOW!!! obsessions yeah? so it shall take on the silverish safety pins, with the background a purple and blue mix with dead black words! or white! AHHH!!! wonderful wonderful inspirations! now you know why I need my blog. ahaha.

b. after the years of simplistic bead jewellery, I reappear with beads. not just for my cross necklace, but also to make ultimate safety pin bracelets!!!! OH MY there was this site I went to and it had such pretty stuffs! and there was this model of an angel made out of safety pins and beads. I am going to try something like that out. I am.

AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! I've gone bonkers again. nono what did I like to say? oh yeah,

18th november. now I remember why it's seemingly so familiar. this time last year, I completed my o levels. it seems so faraway...yeah o levels. ahaha.

I'm feeling so tired today. I barely even know why. actually I wonder, how many things in my life do I actually know? I'm always asking questions, thinking about things, getting confused, and at the end of it all, it's just a stupid I don't know. so sickening.

I was supposed to laugh at sly. perhaps I shall. like what in the world was he thinking man. music of the night. goodness me. he has absolutely disgraced the entire opera world. couldn't believe it when gurmit announced that title. I nearly puked. so after 3 terrible songs, here's ken for you:

"I pity olinda and taufik--they work so hard to get votes, and all you do is stand there and smile"

and I can't remember the last one. it wasn't good. that was all. and I was laughing and laughing. and it didn't help with his kees from a rose..ahahaha. so funny. yeah I know it's BLOODY mean to laugh at someone for such errors, but I can't help it. it's terribly amusing.

anyway I don't have quite the mood to actually laugh at people presently. I just needed to blog. or did I? oh dear. again. I don't know. there's double econs tomorrow. so sian. and yeah it's violet. but at least the topic's quite interesting. perhaps it's true that macro econs is better than micro after all. oh whatever.

you noticed something lately? I don't talk about my day so much anymore. I just seem to have random thoughts pulled from the sky and rubbishy things running through my head.

I felt like skipping econs today to go home early so that I could reach EH on time today. I really did. I didn't want to be late, because I am like nearly ALWAYS late. which is bad. but honestly it's not good to skip lessons. it doesn't matter for what. I know this is going to ring very big bells for someone out there, but I think I ought to just say this. it's our responsibility as students to go for lessons because God's allowed us to go to school and has made our life such that we go to school. and don't tell me things like you skipped school to go study God's word. it doesn't make sense. God makes you a student, your life now is the student. so study. don't skip school. don't pon lectures. yeah it's true you may enjoy yourself elsewhere or learn much more or prefer what you're going for rather than whatever school has to offer you, but it's....just not right. and when you actually have to seal your entry off because of this issue you know there IS something wrong with what you've done...no?

I don't know how else to put it. maybe I sounded like I scolded or ticked someone off. like I'm super judgemental when I'm not much better myself. I don't know. do I care? perhaps. you know I need an absolute answer to some of the questions I pose myself. I can't live on don't know and perhaps. it doesn't work that way.

I'm feeling sick and zombiefied. life is better now, but somehow I don't feel it. or perhaps the sudden surge of time is killing me. or is it? or maybe I'm just tired. but there's no reason for me to be so tired. I didn't go to school superbly early, and it's not that tiring nor draining to sit and listen to chee hong. I mean he's not super boring nor super hard to understand, although melissa had a real good question that I didn't know what to say to either.

I'm just so tired. I don't know. ms tired has reappeared. complete with the droopy eyelids, feverish feeling and the quickening heartbeat. when the loss of feelings come, the loss of consciousness of the surrounding environment. the feeling sucks. and the problem is, I know it. hello ms tired. won't you go away today? you've been here since yesterday...and somehow ms gothic came along yesterday too. she paid me a visit. after ms rant went away. how do I know gothic came yesterday? check this out.

I didn't want to host it on this account, too close to my blog. so I decided to dig out my other accounts, and chose bleeding berry. it has quite some space anyway. I believe. haha.

I'm supposed to reply maril's mail today, remember? but there is no mood. zero. I can't do it today, I'm so sorry. tomorrow I MUST call my team, get their names. must. it's overdue by one day already. and I need to call ys. and and...reply maril. yeah. something like that.

I'm beginning to miss avril again...especially after I saw the huge ribena bottle (there's this 500ml packaging) in cheers today with kayan. then again, when did I not miss her? I don't know either. it's true that she isn't on my mind 24/7, but...somehow when I daydream, stone, whatever you want to call it, she pops by...

perhaps it's not that wonderful to be visually inclined. but I'm thinking, if I'm audio inclined, then I'll be hearing voices. so schiz. ahaha. so I just have images. images...so many...all jumbled up...more images and images. they keep appearing...so many...flashing through my brain....

you know I had an inspiration for my february layout during literature lesson today. yeah I'm amazingly still at it. I don't know what's taking me so long. I might as well push the miyavi layout to february instead. anyway feb is only 28 days...no....cannot...I've started. don't quit. back to my inspiration. it's not a design inspiration. it's the title. I think I've settled it. it's.....

the self inflicted wound crying at the bottom of my heart ~ my unhealthy obsession

somehow the second one seems to look better. it makes me cry. therefore it should be better. or maybe it's because the song I'm listening to isn't helping. tomorrow is the official last day of school. I feel like a primary school student.

I'm crying. again. what's causing it. no DON'T say I don't know. there must be a reason. there must be. there must be one. there must be...there must be...

what's wrong with me. I'm forever depressing myself. but somehow I don't appreciate happy songs. I insist on the minor key, the melancholy of it all. so odd right?

I should stop talking to avril. it's making me cry. that's exactly what's making me cry. but if I don't talk to her I'll cry too. oh gosh it's ALL HER FAULT.

too bad. nobody asked you to love her so much. nobody asked you to fall this badly. it's your OWN fault that you're like that now. couldn't you leave her alone. couldn't you find someone else easier to love.

no I need to stop this. I will end up carving her name somewhere one day if I don't stop it. and you don't want to know carve where. you don't...I'm a cutter deep down...don't make me do it..

I have a very shackled silly girl online now. should I call her instead? somehow I feel like it. she sounds really shaken. not visibly, just...textually.

I'm supposed to talk about some other things today. but I ended up stuck on avril. what's wrong with me?

tired of fighting with html codes. they don't seem to like me tonight. arrrgh.

the only thing good today is, I FOUND THAT GUY! or rather sister found him. he acted in the ai qing he yue (love contract) which is why she knows him. found a decent looking photo:

a lot of the others look....weird. ahaha. or rather, another image which is not the image I saw of him when I first saw him. and anyway I'm not in the mood to blog. yeah. somehow.

I'm paragraphing and paragraphing. so tired. distracted. I don't know. is it miya's fault? onpu no tegami. oh well. perhaps I'll get better after reading maril's mail. but I won't reply today. nono not today.

read maril's mail. will reply tomorrow. some tough stuff. takes some thought and explanations.

stop here. it's getting erratic. and late. no not late. it's only 11 plus. just stop. stop...

a lot of things through my mind today. first is obviously, silly girl. initially I planned to do a survival check on wednesday. yeah, call her and see if she's actually alive. well obviously she would BE alive, but ah well...you know me. another thing running through is the unavoidable NOISE OF MIYAVI! oh gosh he makes such a racket. but that's totally besides the point. I just downloaded the paper 4 slides the wee lt put up on ivle, and mother had a good laugh at them. she actually DID predict saddam as one of the likely candidates for big brother!! haha. and had to listen to daddy and his experience in a communist country like gosh 20 years ago...looks like the fear would never really go away, would it?

and yeah I'm looking at one of the sites that wee lt got his pictures from. yeah it's the cool one that checks out all the doctored pictures from stalin's reign. looks like it's MY turn to become the history student now...where's pearl ning when you need her?? like OMG who in the world gets 96/100 for history at sec 4??? only her. she must be OUT OF HER MIND. but oh well. I'm not exactly the historically inclined nor educated so please don't blame me so much.

as for the final thing that's going through my brain...ah well. I need to wait for ys to reply me somehow first then I can stop thinking about it for a while. I mean at least somebody I can trust to talk about this subject. of course there are people I can talk to about it but either 1)nothing will happen after that or 2)they'll just laugh it off and not care. I don't know why I care. why do I care? I don't really know. perhaps I pity him. perhaps I care. perhaps...I don't know. but I'm sure ys would care.

supposed to start yet another blog account for wee lt. yes darlings it's HOLIDAY HOMEWORK. starting a blog is homework. I'm supposed to blog an entry a week about the different aspects of my literature text and my take on it. then I must compile my 4 favourite and best entries and hand them in next year. like oh great. how cool can homework get? I don't mind ranting about 1984 really, it's just that if you're forcing me to do it...sigh...perhaps I need to get rid of this terrible mentality. pretend you're really interested. pretend it's part of this shit. pretend it isn't homework. pretend it's your own initiative. pretend that you enjoy it. perhaps you'll be happier. but how can pretence be enjoyable? how can pretence make one happier? oh it can. but we all want to live our lives free of pretence and full of honesty and have a clear conscience and to stop ourselves from doing things we don't want to do and get to choose what we want in life.

ahaha. that doesn't always happen, by the way. of course you can try, but somehow we'll never get rid of the silly holes we get ourselves into, we'll never get rid of the crazy impulsive decisions and promises we made, we'll never see the end of them. never. we can seriously try, we can minimise it, go ahead. but it doesn't necessarily work. sigh...must we live with a mask? you don't want to, but somehow you still do. I don't believe there's anyone out there who doesn't have a mask. although some people put it on more, some people put in on less, and some people actually manage putting it on all the time, I don't believe that there's anyone in the world who can manage without a mask. cannot. tell me if you can seriously go without a mask. to hide your true self from the world. tell me. tell me if you can walk around and face anybody out there and not pretend with certain people. if you're that honest and frank and straightforward, tell me. I'll like to know you very much. having a mask is NO talent. it's a burden. we often tell ourselves that hey we're so wonderful, nobody really knows me, and that we can somehow get along with everyone and everyone seems to be fine with me. I'm tired. are you? I'm tired of wearing my mask, but I can't seem to get it off. can you? can someone out there tell me how to get it off? oh actually I DO know how to get it off...it's just that it will hurt much. it's coming off...slowly. coming right off. but it's taking so long. so many years. so many...

my life is like a tv serial. no it isn't. I've just made it into one. that's all. and why did I do that? I don't really know. perhaps that's true media influence. haha when did GP come into the picture? I really don't know. or perhaps I don't want to know. there's too many good questions out there and too many lousy answers. or at least I think so.

ahhhh..I'm beginning to sound like myself again. like finally. is it good? perhaps. my entries are overridden by I don't knows and perhapses. loads of little questions and silly little useless answers. and more often than not, a little why question comes along and utterly annoys me.

actually I don't know why I come online. there's practically nothing to do. in fact there isn't. all I do is to talk to people (but there's nearly nobody to talk to now...eewei is NOT responding), check my mail (I've finished, by the way), and blog. and I think I'm almost done. and actually I was thinking of making a really nice picture for my 1984 blog. ahaha. my layout disease never seems to go away, does it? you know I feel like calling silly girl but I can't. I can't. it's seemingly hard to type her name. I don't know why either. it's so hard. 5 little letters. that's all it is.

it means more than that to me. so what are you going to do about that? huh? HUH? there's nothing you can do about it, obviously. you know that day I pulled mae around with me I slipped it out. I didn't intend to tell people really, but now I'm letting it out on the internet. yeah I'm insane, my screws have gone goodness knows where, and yeah baby I downloaded (I searched okay) for the entire a level timetable so that I know silly girl's entire timetable without asking anyone. like why in the world would someone want to download the a level timetable for when it's none of her business?

me. I MAKE it my business. terrible child. and you dare to say you're no longer her stalker. I'm not that bad anymore...you should have tried some months ago...haha. that was really freaky. it's not the freakiest I've done, but really freaky. actually sometimes I wonder what it's like, what's it like to get chased and stalked and known by some mad person like ME who seems to remember everything about you -- your locker number, your room layout, your siblings' misadventures, your catch phrases, your silly childhood stories, everything. what's it like, to have some NUTCASE knowing when you go to school, where you LIVE, memorised your number by heart, everything. gosh I'm sounding crazier than big brother. haha. so dumb. but it's true. dead true.

I just realised that my little correspondence with maril (like WOW she's so faraway...) has reached page 25 on a microsoft document. time to transfer it into a html file. there's always this thing about me. I cannot throw things away. but I hate the idea and the look of my mailbox all cluttered with stuff and pages and pages of mails that I wanted to keep. that's why I have such a document called 'emails', where I keep all the nice mails that I like, because obviously hotmail has close to zero space to keep all these stuffs. but maril mailed to my yahoo account, and thus I had all the space in the world to keep all her mails thus far. then one fine day I finally transfered them all into a microsoft word document. now I realise that there are SO MANY pages that the file must be darned large. but why do I keep them? it's interesting to note. I don't know where that shoebox is anymore, but in it has zhi ai's and ms chew's letters. guess how old they are.

since primary 3. so it's been...8 years. I know they're around. and oh yes I still keep all the letters, the letter of clarification from wei yolk, the letter of pain from tianying, I mean these are PRIMARY SIX things that still linger around. I have them. hard copies. shiqi's letters, kiayun's letters, eewei's letters, shera's letters, everywhere. I just love letters, don't I?

looked back at my entries a little. found the one on elizabeth. actually there was double discovery. other than realising (with some horror) that it was elizabeth, I realised she's a jrock fan. a myv fan, and a diru fan. what's so discover-ish about that? it's because...

like oh dear. but...is it very oh dearish? anything to get horrified about? I don't know. but somehow she kinda gives me the creeps. okay that didn't turn out well. it's not that she freaks me out (hello I'm the ultimate right?), it's just that somehow not very comfortable when it comes to her. perhaps it's because I don't really know her, and all the impression I have is from my own look at her and other's stories, and not her. no good. this shouldn't be the way. but I can't help it.

the guy, the fujiki naohito lookalike tvbs guy was on E-news today!! but as part of the news. so sad!!! ahhhh!!! and I can't find his name!!! apparently these 17 people in the photoshoot are part of tvbs and work for them as their resident artistes, but they didn't mention their names and the tvbs lousy site doesn't have their names either!! I missed the name of the taiwan drama he was acting in. that would have been much easier to find. and he was guest host for that one time...so sad!!! argh haven't freaked out over some guy in the entertainment industry like that for some time. and this time it's so hard to track him...and the photo is so darned lousy!! otherwise can show meida...he looks better than fujiki naohito okay. don't really like fujiki naohito. ahaha. always prefer oshio manabu. ahahaha. oshio! oh yeah! oh dear I heard another screw drop to the floor...

I suddenly feel like doing another one of those 86 questions thingies again. I must be mad. this entry is so freakily long. well of course, because my rambling ranting self suddenly decided to appear. and then she went away again...she's gone. gone to look for some screws. I think. because I just dropped another one. I'm sorry! let's go find some questions to answer!

01. Who was the first J-rock Band you heard?: X japan
02.Who's the most recent J-rock Band you've heard?: kagrra
03. Who's your favorite J-rock Band?: DIR EN GREY ROCKS!
04. Name 5 other Bands you Like: miyavi!! malice mizer, kagrra, laruku, luna sea
06. Are you a fangirl/boy?: I think...to some extent
07. If yes, of Who?: KYO!!!! and miyavi....
08. Do you cosplay?: I want to!!
09. Who?: anyone from diru, or miya or mm
10. Do you like Dir en grey?: LOTS
11. Are you a Toshiya fangirl?: WAHA totchi!! pretty ~~lass~~ (oops) boy
12. How about Kaoru?: he's okay. stick to writing good songs 'kae?!
13. Die?: die? I'll give him away to jiabi...
14. Kyo?: kyo kyo kyo kyo kyo kyo kyo kyo the most talented person I've ever known...
15. Shinya?: another lass! this time really like lass...more lass than totchi. and he's so DARNED PRETTY
16. What's your favorite Deg song?: I don't know. I like so many.
17. Do you like visual bands or non-visual bands?: visual. love those images they have
18. What's the first J-rock song you heard?: forever love, x japan
19. What's the last song you heard?: uhhh now it's shokubutsu ningen no theme by miyavi
20. Do you buy J-rock magazines?: I buy pages...thanks to jiabi *muacks*
21. What's your favorite?: I miss shoxx...but there's no real favourite. carry deg and you're my fav
22. Have you ever been to any J-rock concerts?: I wanna goooo.......whine whine whine
23. Which ones?: I've only watched LOADS of vcds...
24. What would you do if you saw any J-rocker walking down the street in your town?: It depends on who it was.
25. Which three Jrockers are you most in love lust with?: miya! kyo!!! hyde!!!
26. Which three Jrockers would you most love to meet in person (Dead or alive)?: kyo miya and hyde. duh.
27. What are the three things you would like to say to/ask them?: Same question to all 3: let's be friends!!
28. Which three Jrockers can you relate to most?: uhhh that's hard. they are all so extreme...
29. Which three Jrock songs do you constantly replay?: it's just miyavi and miyavi lately.
30. Do you currently have a Jrocker computer background?: nope. don't freak my poor mother.
31. Which Jrocker would you most like to get fashion/makeup advice from?: I think shinya would be great. what a lovely little lolita we have!
32. Do you read Jrock fan fiction? used to
33. What is your favorite Jrocker related dream?: I can't remember
34. How many Jrock MP3s do you have? never went to count. quite a number.
35. And, finally, if you could sleep with any three Jrockers, who would they be?: no I don't want to sleep with them. I won't come out alive. at least I don't think so...

enough. whoever reads this entry is going to die. quite horribly I believe. I haven't written such crazy stuff for a long long time. it's time to revisit my stress periods and check out the vague, disoriented and confused me writing philosophy and asking probing questions. oh yes. time to do that once again. to look back on my mini essays and suss out the best of it. compilation time...

NO WRONG. it's time to do my 1984 blog layout! waha! what the HECK is WRONG WITH ME??

floxetine is really effective, it's an anti-depressant. it can help relief my stress and calm me down. it's really amazing!floxetine is really effective, it's an anti-depressant. it can help relief my stress and calm me down. it's really amazing!floxetine is really effective, it's an anti-depressant. it can help relief my stress and calm me down. it's really amazing!floxetine is really effective, it's an anti-depressant. it can help relief my stress and calm me down. it's really amazing!floxetine is really effective, it's an anti-depressant. it can help relief my stress and calm me down. it's really amazing!floxetine is really effective, it's an anti-depressant. it can help relief my stress and calm me down. it's really amazing!floxetine is really effective, it's an anti-depressant. it can help relief my stress and calm me down. it's really amazing!floxetine is really effective, it's an anti-depressant. it can help relief my stress and calm me down. it's really amazing!floxetine is really effective, it's an anti-depressant. it can help relief my stress and calm me down. it's really amazing!floxetine is really effective, it's an anti-depressant. it can help relief my stress and calm me down. it's really amazing!floxetine is really effective, it's an anti-depressant. it can help relief my stress and calm me down. it's really amazing!floxetine is really effective, it's an anti-depressant. it can help relief my stress and calm me down. it's really amazing!

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okay. it seems that I'm not done. that was amazingly long ago at 2142. the time stands at 2330 and I'm back to ADD on to this already long entry. so what's so important? I don't rightly know if it's seriously that important but jac the darling girl is going to china. because she can't get promoted. and assuming rachel is...what is rachel going to do without jac? you know it's near impossibility to imagine jac without rach and vice versa. so sad. yeah true I don't really know the 2 girls very well but hey they're nice kids. and it's so sad another nice kid's going...oh well. cest la vie. take it or leave it. can't leave it, can you? I can't. so I took it. that's why I prescribed some happy pills for myself. I need them to survive. but it seems that some unhappy pills have been coming. or rather, I'm eating some. knowingly.

I was five and he was six
We rode on horses made of sticks
He wore black and I wore white
He would always win the fight

Bang bang, he shot me down
Bang bang, I hit the ground
Bang bang, that awful sound
Bang bang, my baby shot me down.

Seasons came and changed the time
When I grew up, I called him mine
He would always laugh and say
"Remember when we used to play?"

Bang bang, I shot you down
Bang bang, you hit the ground
Bang bang, that awful sound
Bang bang, I used to shoot you down.

Now he's gone, I don't know why
And till this day, sometimes I cry
He didn't even say goodbye
He didn't take the time to lie.

Bang bang, he shot me down
Bang bang, I hit the ground
Bang bang, that awful sound
Bang bang, my baby shot me down...

wahahah. so dumb right? all thanks to the silly advertisement on channel i. yeah, the stupid epl one. it just takes the chorus and it's hilarious enough. like bang bang, something happens, then bang bang again..so stupid. but good for laughs. my sis and I had a really good laugh. still laughing in fact.

I don't really know what to say, because I have limited time (as usual) and I need to reply maril. and I need to reply yifang too. yeah...she's online. arrgh. still settling the cosplaying thing. and ky has to ask if she can get the stuff for me...poor thing. first the registered mail went to her house, now I'm asking to use her credit account. damn mean huh.

okay I REALLY have no time to blog any further!!!! must scan all 218 pictures of myv for fang!!

1. nervous habits?
just pick at my nails...all the time really...
2. are you double jointed?
yep. so I can't do cartwheels!!
3. can you roll your tongue?
oh yeah. I know who can't. wink.
4. can you raise one eyebrow at a time?
somehow, no.
5. can you blow spit bubbles?
I don't spit.
6. can you cross your eyes?
trained myself to.
7. tattoos?
sheesh NO.
8. piercings n where?
I want to...just don't dare to.
9. do you make your bed daily?
not in my vocabulary

-- CLOTHES --
10. which shoe goes on first?
Right
11. speaking of shoes, have you thrown out at anyone?
thrown, no. kicked, yes.
12. on the average, how much money do you carry?
money? I carry money????
13. what jewelry do you wear?
my bracelets, my rings, my scrunchies...
14. favourite piece of clothing?
clothes are clothes. end of story.

-- FOOD --
15. do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it?
Twirl
16. have you ever eaten Spam?
what's spam?? must be some american thing...
17. favourite ice cream flavor?
choc. choc. choc.
18. how many cereals in your cabinet?
None
19. what`s your favourite beverage?
ribena anybody???
20. what`s your favourite restaurant?
good question. ichiban boshi?? haha.
21. do you cook?
if you still want your house...no.

-- GROOMING --
22. do you brush your teeth after meals?
Nope
23. hair drying method?
just let the wind blow it
24. have you ever coloured your hair?
never. virgin hair. muacks.

-- MANNERS --
25. do you swear?
try VERY VERY hard not to. serious.
26. do you ever spit?
I just said. no spittin'

-- FAVOURITE --
27. animal?
kitties
28. food?
anything but spicy stuffs.
29. month?
I don't know.
30. day?
wednesday. obvious reasons.
31. cartoon?
Pinky and the brain. it ROCKS.
32. Sport brand?
sports? what's that??
33. subject in school?
I really don't know. is there one??
34. colour?
purple.
35. sport?
formula 1 is the bestttt.....
36. tv shows?
anything...smurfs???
37. thing to do in the spring?
no seasons my dear
38. thing to do in the summer?
sleep....everyday..
39. thing to do in the rain?
sleep....and think...
40. thing to do in the winter?
dream on. winter??? in singapore???

-- IN AND AROUND --
41. the cd player?
nothing...sister has phil chang in there...smile
42. person you talk most on the phone with?
AVRIL. duh.
43. ever taken a cab?
Yeah
44. do you regularly check yourself out in store windows n mirrors?
I'm not THAT vain..sometimes though...
45. what colour is your bedroom?
lavender white.
46. do you use an alarm clock?
I have two my dear
47.window seat or aisle?
Window seat

-- LA LA LAND --
48. what`s your sleeping position?
anything. I can spin too...
49. even in hot weather do you use a blanket?
I am seriously not that insane.
50. do you snore?
Nope
51. do you sleepwalk?
Nope
52. do you talk in your sleep?
yeah...I think...my sis says so...
53. do you sleep with stuffed animals?
so many...
54. how about the lights on?
I don't mind...
55. do you fall asleep with the tv or radio?
neither but if I must it's music

-- WHICH IS BETTER --
56. coke or pepsi?
coke! original please. no diet, lemon, vanilla
57. oranges or apples?
apples.
58. one pillow or two?
more.
59. deaf or blind?
Neither
60. pools or hot tubs?
depends on the weather.
61. tall or short?
which is better huh....it doesn't matter.
62. tv or radio?
TV
63. beach or pool?
neither.
64. tic tacs or certs?
TIC TAC!! floxetine!!!
65. sunrise or sunset?
Sunset
66. hamburger or cheeseburger?
fish burger?
67. morning or night?
Night
68. sports or news?
Neither
70. indoors or outdoors?
Indoors
71. christmas eve or christmas day?
it doesn't matter.
72. cake or ice cream?
Ice cream
73. spearmint or peppermint?
yucks. hate them both
74. bath or shower?
depends on my mood
75. book or movie?
depends on mood
76. green or red apples?
red
77. rain or snow?
snow?? I don't know no snow...
78. nike or adidas?
it REALLY doesn't matter...

-- WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU --
79. took a bath?
eh..just now?
80. cried?
read my blog.
82. read a book?
today! silas marner!
83. punched sumone?
in my brain...so many times...

-- THE FUTURE --
84. where do you see yourself in 10 years time?
older...still in touch with all my darlings
85. kids, how many?
None I don't like kids
86. name?
don't like kids. remember?

Japanese Visual Rock band Dir En Grey's Kyo releases his second volume of poetry, Zenryaku, Ogenkidesuka. Saihate no Chi yori Mei mo Naki Kimi e Ai wo Komete (Hello, how are you? From the Farthest Land with Love, to You with no name). Containing over 50 poems, all containing English subtitles, each printed on a card with scenery he envisioned as he was writing each poem. Kyo also takes on the task of art director for this volume of poetry, ensuring that everything is going to match his vision!
This book comes with a CD that includes music inspired by the poems, so you can enjoy the beautiful poems in the ideal sonic environment! Kyo's first poetry book, released in 2001, sold out immediately upon its release, so don't hesistate to avoid missing out!

and I intend to get it WITH the dir en grey new photobook!!!!!! okay it isn't new. it was released last christmas. like who cares. if I can get it at a cheaper price I will. wahahaha. so EXCITED!!!

oh dear. I am going nuts again. fang just asked me if I want to go for a cosplay event. but I have 3 problems at hand.

sigh. I really do want to cosplay. it's sorta on the wrong day but if we're going out for dinner it'll be fine. it's just that I don't know who to go as. and I'm not sure if I really have enough time to prepare. I was thinking perhaps let's do something really simple, I mean fang doesn't really have all the time in the world either, but the problem is, if you wanted something really simple, why bother cosplaying in the first place? then you're like insulting all the people who bothered making all the elaborate costumes and even those impossible looking ones. I know singaporeans can barely cosplay for nuts, so don't add to it. it's not too kind...haha.

okay. so it's mailing time. mail ky about my pending order. can she get it for me?? ky can you?? I'll give you the website!! oh dear I MUST BE CRAZY. then again, what's new? nothing!!! but my dear it's going to cost you some...but I'll pay you....really I will....I'm NOT THAT MEAN!!!

that reminds me. I have a better idea for february 2005 layout. yeah you're probably rolling your eyes out of the socket (line stolen from dibz) because I'm at this stupid layout madness once again, but I don't care. you decide to read this crap, you PUT UP WITH IT. I keep typing every few words in capital letters. this is bad. anyway, back to my idea. I'm thinking of having no particular picture, like no jrocker, no merlot, no ribena, no photo, that is. I'll have a picture, but it'll be pure graphic. just some lines, some circles, some photoshop, and MORE photoshop...yeah. and of course, some famous lines from ME. hehheh.

speaking of ribena...I can't believe I actually missed this out. 2 days already. and I didn't mumble a word of this. honestly if mae knew she'll roll her eyes so hard and start laughing. yes my dears

I went to west plaza with meida on friday after school...then I needed a drink, so we went to 7-eleven to get something. and the fries stall was CLOSED AGAIN!!! arrrgh. anyway I was thinking about what to drink. and then I thought, perhaps I shall drink ribena. and then I thought again. should I??!! would it hurt to drink it? would it?

sigh. what's wrong with me? everything. and then you know the stupid school stopped their import of ribena because the school deemed it too sweet...then I thought that perhaps that silly girl doesn't drink it anymore...then I found out that actually she has an entire supply at home.

wahaha! completed my march 2005 layout! I MUST BE CRAZY. it's like 4 months in advance? I really MUST BE CRAZY. no. actually I must be really bored. nahh....I had the inspiration, the resources and the time and the energy, so it came together. but take note, I haven't done my february 2005 one yet. anyway, for those VERY interested in what crazy things I've done, here they are:

trust me, I'm mad. listening to onpu no tegami now. ahhh it's such a nice song. although itoshii hito is nicer, but ah well it's nice enough. I'm waiting to see if meevs comes out with something new soon, because it's been 2 singles already, and I think an album is sorta due...yeah...

found out some things yesterday. and today. first of all, I suddenly remembered that I was supposed to find yenn weii's new blog address, since she quit the last one. she quit the last one supposedly because there was too much bitching on it and too many people knew about it. what rubbish. the new one is just as widely publicised. you can find the blog SO EASILY through a search engine. goodness.

and so anyway, I happily found yenni's blog and now I must wait for vicks to get online then I can pass her the add. oh yes vicks it is fun to read yenn weii's blog. somehow right? she's such a bitch that everyone either loves or hates to the core. I've chosen to like her. ahaha. never mind what dibz says...decided not to care...yeah I know all the bad stuff that comes with her, the attitude, the problems, the stuff she does, blah...I don't quite care. why? because she hasn't done anything to me to make me hate her. that simple.

after I found that blog, I went back to the search engine to see if there were any other blogs who linked her and I know the owner. the one that I found the add through had 2 owners, and I didn't know either of them anyway. so I went down the search outcome list, and found this girl. at first I thought ah it's another one of those people I don't know, then slowly as I read a little more, she's from band. so I thought, hmm perhaps I DO know her. and then there were some links to photos, and so I thought aha now I will know if I know her, because I don't recall and lizzy in band.

oh yeah darlings the MAD MAD girl who nearly killed herself over eewei. I will NOT forget her. and I think she...oh never mind.

so after double revelations yesterday, I found out one more thing today. I was just looking through the site statistics for this page today, and I found out a lot a lot of numbers! oh gosh. the blog has been running for a year and a half, but this page has only been running on for half a year. and for this half a year, there has been

which is an average of A HUNDRED plus people visiting per month. like oh my. so many ah. I didn't realise it was that much. of course some of it is myself, because I need to test the blog layout and just like to read it myself now and then. but then again, I usually read the archives, not the blog itself, so...hmmm...

and then I went to the referrer page. now, the referrer page tells you how people who read your blog got the address from. I recognised all the addresses, I mean, there was biying's, yuting's, almeida's blogs and of course, my own index page. of course some unknowns, some searches through yahoo and the last one at the bottom which I didn't recognise at all. it's a blog address. so I went to check it out,

when I looked at the side details, I just thought it was him. it linked to tj people, which pushed me off track, but it linked to jeremy chan and to me, his tuition friend. which means it HAS to be him! and anyway I saw the photos put up and was like...ooh confirm. I remember the last time I ran into him at white sands. so funny. so paiseh also.

not too bad, he's a really nice guy and a really true good friend of jeremy's. so sad he went to poly. tuition was so darned fun with him around.

I've written quite a lot today. well, compared to the last few days, that is. I haven't been writing a lot for these few days. in fact, nearly the entire month thus far. perhaps it's because I blog every single day. one day's discoveries and problems aren't too long. but a few days take some time to recall, describe, and the feelings build pretty badly. but in any case...

I was supposed to reply maril. darn. never mind. I need water. or is it wahter? OH NO...you know I still miss her...oh of course you do. who in the world who can READ english doesn't know that? I'm talking less and less about her, but somehow I feel that the feeling is even heavier in my heart. perhaps I should talk it out. but...it's so hard. the easiest way to make the feeling lighter is to talk to her straight, but I can't. not now, that is. but actually I'm trying to make the feeling lighter, but the way I've done it is so...I don't know. makes me feel worse. the more I think about it the more I think and believe that I must be

I'm at it again. making myself mentally tired again. making myself strained againn. making myself feel depressed again. making my heart wrench once more. making sure that I become confused and deluded. making sure I relive the past. making myself go back down memory lane. making myself half dazed again. making sure that my mind is full of the silliest things. making me worried about useless things. making me think of all the bad stuff that's happened. making me think about stuff that might happen but in actual fact, didn't.

what's my problem? I don't know. I cried a lot just now. I'm taking a trip down memory lane with my dearest piece yume which I wrote last year for mep. heh.

it ought to be naze, nanze...don't know why I typed that and didn't notice. but anyway that was written last year so let's put it aside. it passed anyway. so who in the world cares?

and now I have something new. after my yume, my I wish, my blah and WORSE than blah...all the depressing works. this new one isn't so bad. I mean, it isn't like super nightmarish or upsetting and it doesn't cause heart wrenching to most people out there. I think. but it's a very very sick song. or so I believe. so why in the world did I embark on this mad journey? I guess it because I need somewhere to let my madness go. there has to be an outlet, otherwise I'll really go bonkers. then that wouldn't be good. right? ahaha.

you know what? I'm just going to print my OWN hard copy of yume and go play the piano. it's the perfect weather anyway. yeah that's right darlings, I don't even have a hard copy of my own stuff. it's just stuck inside the computer, and if the day comes when my computer crashes or something like that, all these things go down with it. is it good? I don't know. I keep a lot of memories inside my computer. now it's worse. I'm keeping them online. look at this blog. it's so freaking extensive. I know like nearly exactly what happened on what day. I can even track myself. I can remember what happened. in fact there are certain incidents whereby I don't really remember what happened anymore, but my entries are so vividly described that I can see it in front of myself without any memories taking place at all.

alrighty. last night was fun. smile. really. tuba concerto. like who in the world writes a full piece for the tuba as the soloist? well now you know there are. why no euphonium concertos? they should try something like that. then perhaps people will finally know what in the world a euphonium is, rather than having to call it a small tuba. and I will never forget the lousy The New Paper writer who wrote my section as TRUMPET instead of TROMBONE. don't believe it.

now now, don't get worked up...haha. lovely public holiday today. finished my song! when I'm done I'll put it up. in fact I was thinking of using that song as my theme on february 2005 instead of merlot. somehow I can't think of something nice to do with merlot. I'm so sorry merlottt...but just leaving the little bear there with the lyrics of I miss you don't seem to work too well. we'll just try this out and see how it goes. if it doesn't work too well either, then we'll go back to merlot. I have 2 months to check this out anyway. smile again. and anyway the project is succesful. all ready to be handed in. still another 10 days. oh yeah.

watched singapore idol just now. I seldom talk about it but today was quite funny. ah well sly said he does dabble a little in jrock and they were showing LUNA SEA!!! gosh sugizo's pink hair simply turns heads. sister was like is he going to sing ryuichi??!! I was like goodness no...sister was sing JULIA!! sing JULIA!!! I was like NOOOOOOO!!!! CANNOT!!!! goodness me NO JULIA PLEASE! my heart would drop if he tried something crazy like that. then he'll need to don a grey suit, wear those old fashioned black plastic glasses, get a classical guitar, and start doing a go go.

you know I should REALLY get down to finishing my piece. don't know why there's so much inspiration today. why wasn't it this easy last year? you know I took so much to get my composition together last year. and last year I did my composition for an EXAM. and exam for crying out loud, is way more important than my pure leisure. well at least it's supposed to be. but I guess because last year I was so tired and everything, or rather tired of everything that I just simply couldn't sit down and think. and furthermore I didn't really have much of a theme to do. and I didn't know what to write about and worse still I decided to write it in chinese. ahaha.

then again, why in the world did I write it? it's terrible. the more I think about it the worse it seems. but yet I perfect it with the more times I sing it. oh dear.

finished the amazing thriller that mae lent me! goodness me. it's Spiral by Joseph Geary. it's really good. it's really gross and really sick in the mind and everything but honestly it's good.

speaking of sick and things like that. we watched frankenstein the movie yesterday. I felt more like we were watching a horror film. oh well it's in conjunction with the lit department and their gothic literature history. and that's cool. but rehana didn't put up the lecture notes on ivle, otherwise I would put that particular slide down. that slide had all the features of gothic writing, and I took one look at it and immediately thought of this particular piece of work I love oh so much...

oh goodness. I just couldn't describe the heart wrench when I thought of that series. you know at first it's just a harmless seeming series of a spate of strange and very sick and rather supernatural murder cases but always uncovered and decoded wonderfully by cain. and then later you realise that all these murders form a larger picture. and then you begin to get so frightened for cain. and somehow you just know in your heart that cain wouldn't come back alive but yet you wish he will.

ahhhh...the feeling of loss and pain yet console but disappointment and so upsetting.

okay I am in a gigantic hurry. doing some stuff I didn't plan to do. first of all, all I wanted to do was blog. and I had a good hour to do so. now I only have 25 minutes left. ah whatever. it's still considered time, right?

going to eewei's concert (like finally) later with mae. heh mae's going to watch me eat. actually I'm not being mean to make her watch me eat. neither do I fancy the prospect of having to spend money on my dinner out, but I just like to spend some time with my lovely friends. won't kill, would it?

talking to avril just now. silly girl has a friend playing at nafa too. heh.

I had quite a lot to say just now. I always do. then I forget. and when I remember, I'm never at the computer. actually I'm quite tired. and I really hope that the weather won't be horrid later. and yes I do hope that I don't get lost later...haha. can lah...I think eewei's scared of that too. but oh well.

trying to do....you know what. ahaha. cannot say at this point in time. not now. anyway just waiting for the week to be over. no. just today and tomorrow. and the worst will be over. ahaha. sounds so serious. nothing really.

arrgh and I meant to reply maril and I realised I haven't replied ky for like the past weeks. as usual right? ah well. so sorry dear.

best friend. soulmate. silly girl. anymore? mae's just added to the list. in fact that was exactly what I called my fetish about kyo last year. I ripped it off this website which had the same fetish for hyde that I had for kyo. and apparently it's the name of a band of some sort.

I feel like crying. I don't know why. but I do. you know I told mae about my bad dream on sunday. then on my way home after tuition I realised that what I told the dear girl was only like a brief summary. so brief in fact. let's put it here, shall we? oh dear I'm talking like gollum AGAIN...

on sunday, I had this awful...not really dream. just a vision. I was at home on monday afternoon lazing around, and then the phone rang, and guess who? the silly girl, obviously. the problem with the phonecall, other than the fact that it was HER calling ME and not the other way round, was that she was

scary right? that's freakish in itself. the thing is that she wanted to see me. so I said I'll be there as soon as possible. so I scribbled her details for mother and placed them on her dresser. then I got changed and scrammed to her place. when I reached the bus stop nearest to her place, her brother was there and I was like huh why is it you. he also got a shock, because he didn't expect me to recognise him. so I said that I remembered him from that ONE time I saw him walk past both of us the other time. he gave that weird look, and I asked him, what happened to your sister? his face sort of fell and then turned into slight helplessness as he mumbled half to himself

and then...and then...it stopped there. I sort of got out of my daze (I haven't done this in a long long time) and then sorted myself out. like NO it will never happen.

oh dear. I feel like calling her. I really do. really. how? should I? I don't know. I'm so worried yet I don't want to disturb her. I feel like calling to show concern of some sort but I'm afraid she doesn't want concern in this way. I'm always so scared, right? why? I don't know. I have one hour. either I call now or never. uhhhhhh how??? HOW???

oh gosh vicky told me the dumbest joke of all time. it's dumber than the ikan bilis one. at least the ikan bilis takes some brains. this one doesn't! it's so illogical and idiotic and SO STUPID you can't believe it man.

today I went to school for like final OP rehearsal. then clara's supposed to like send me the final slides so that I can burn a copy for tomorrow otherwise we're dead. or nearly dead. and she's not home yet. win already. fiona like called me in near desperation for the slides. and I must get down to doing my cue cards soon. that terrible wk. ah shall not say what happened. just know it wasn't the best thing she could have done. and I was a willing lamp post again today. sigh. if not for the fact I needed to eat...actually if I had known it would end this early I would rather go home and eat. save my money. I need to save money again. otherwise I'd just be happy with the little that I saved recently and not bother again and that's bad.

you know I suddenly realised something when I was in school. I realised that I'm like so worried for the silly girl. I have such bad feelings that somehow she'll break down these 2 days or something but I know that wouldn't happen. no. she's too strong to let that happen. even if it does she'll never let anyone know. she'll take it all on herself. I don't know. I know she's so scared of today's paper. I know she's scared of the next one too. and the worst part is that tomorrow's paper is math and her math is like her best subject. if her math can't make it, what else...I don't know.

I honestly should be worrying about myself, shouldn't I? but I can't help it. because even though she said she's done with crying seriously I know sometimes she feels like crying again too. but she doesn't. I don't know. you know I felt like calling her so much but I know I can't. I think I'll call her tomorrow or on wednesday. I don't know. I just can't settle. cannot. ahhh.....

dear Lord...help that girl...please...I don't know what else I can do for her. I remember last time she was like so excited, like ooooh someone wants to pray for me. Lord she has no idea how much it can help. I'm always thinking like next year she'll be happy when she gets her results, but results don't come without doing the actual paper. do I worry too much? I don't really know.

okay. my priorities always seem to be wrong. go do your pw girl. go cut out your script and put them on cue cards. go...shall do those first. then I'll be back.

I'm back, but I have to go soon. I need to burn the presentation (yes clara finally came back) and then I need to sleep already. sigh. must wake up early tomorrow.

aha that horrid pimple in my hair has gone down tremendously. yesterday it was hurting like nuts. yeah you didn't see that wrongly. it IS a pimple in my HAIR. so irritating. I don't know if anyone else out there has ever suffered from this before. or perhaps I'm the only freako here.

just finished reflecting for PW. so silly. I cannot stand reflecting. I have zero idea what they are for. especially when all the stuff you've just said is close to rubbish. I've just phrased them as nicely and talked round the biggest bushes ever. I haven't crapped this much for quite some time already you know...

should I type further? I don't know. all I can say is that I'm truly driving eewei up the wall with my absolute ignorance. now don't know she angrier or I angrier. no actually we're not angry at all. we're just a little worked up because I misunderstood her and she's tired. heh. so honestly it's perfectly fine. smile.

aha jiabi turned up in church today. and she conveniently left her jacket behind. I have no idea how it's going back to her. unless she appears next week to get it back. must call her next saturday or something to discuss with her. I am not holding on to that jacket of hers. and she's like the hardest to reach. she's like...a bit far, yeah? stuck in jurong. gosh that's on the other side of the island. although I told sister that someday when I'm really free I'm supposed to hop down all the way to NUS to eat some nice food. which sounds a little silly but never mind. it's not THAT far really. serious. because I have a direct bus! and that means it's cheaper too. goody! good food here I come!

NO I was supposed to have a super exercise regime during this holiday, wasn't I? like wasn't I supposed to go play badminton and learn squash with meida? eh meida if you're reading this better do something about it ah...ahaha. just kidding. I know she's having fun pigging out at kbox and looking for funny jobs. but honestly I don't really think I can work this holiday. there's too much project serve, and too many other things I want to do. and I need my rest days too. and I need my nuts days too.

haha talking about exercise reminds of avril. again. I was telling her about my first three months class outing to east coast the other time. seems that I didn't chronicle that event. but anyway had a good laugh about again. especially the stupid part when meida took her revenge by letting me sit at the back seat of the double bike and riding as fast as I did for her earlier. gosh she sent me SCREAMING from one end of the road to the other! I think nobody has heard me scream that much before. then avril was like

ahaha. I very long? try my sister. she's a nut rider too. but so am I! aha just now matthew signed in. thought of how we flew to bedok jetty and back in 10 minutes flat. I think laura was with me. and maurice I think. haiz. haven't seen all these people for some time. in fact a long long time already. it's been longer than I thought, hasn't it.

you know I was thinking about who's next on my layout list, since my november one is deg, december is jiabi's beloved die, january is my starry daigo and february is cutee merlot. so sad merlot will be there for a shorter time than he ought to. but I haven't completed that layout. just didn't have the inspiration for it today. perhaps I should plan first. this merlot layout will be slightly different. I have a few ideas but must put them together properly. so I was thinking and thinking, and I have decided. next month is

oh yeah babies MYV rocks! ahaha. I'm waiting for his 2 PVs to be released in full. I have the short versions, but as obviously seen, they're cut short. despite them being official, it's annoying. and I particularly like the rock no seikigata~super star no joken PV. he teaches you how to be a super star, basically. and it's so crap, it's funny! I can't take it! it's super amusing. actually the other PV is quite too, because miyavi just stands in the middle of the road, twanging his guitar, and as usual, tries to seek attention from anybody and everybody and ahaha it isn't successful! which is basically the funny part. you know I think miya is quite a good actor. he should go try. so long as he stops smiling to himself and destroying things and STOP WEARING THAT AWFUL SKIRT I think he should be fine. yeah.

I'm seriously on this Phil Chang spree. can't stop listening to the 7 songs I have in my computer. actually I have an album of his outside somewhere in the cupboards but I'm far too lazy to dig it out. and anyway some of the songs I'm listening to now are pretty new. ah I shall end this entry with one of his songs. the one I'm listening to now. it's so nice! I like it. sister says the PV is very funny, because he's doing bartop dancing and that is so NOT him...muahaha

(Never Mind - Phil Chang
you said that Kavana is so understanding, 
knows how to make you happy
when you're with him
there are never ending conversation topics

oh and that Koji is a little mysterious
inevitable you're curious about him
that kind of guy
has this charm about him that mesmerises people

I don't understand you anymore
what other excitement do you want
I ask a little more; you avoid it

I said never mind, really never mind
go out with whom you wish to go out with
never mind, even if you fall, never mind
you have the right to seek your happiness
never mind, get involved and obssesed, never mind
it's my fault that I cannot sweet talk you
never mind, anything, never mind
at the very most, we'll just split up)

ahaha I simply love this song! it's so nice. ahaha.

brought to you on a psychotic moonlit night at 2325

I don't really know what to write. just perhaps to confess again. ahaha. you know my dearest mother has sort of set a rule that no one can use the phone for more than 20 minutes. that is GOING to KILL me. you know how I love the phone. and those people whom I call to kill boredom or to rant etc would know how long I can go on for. the thing was, mother was looking for the phone this morn but it was on my bed with darling merlot my purple bear because I used it last night. mother was like ah girl how long you use the phone last night? I just said 'more than 20 minutes...', but in actual fact, it was

ahaha. I really haven't done that for a while. it's usually around 2 hours or so at the very most but I was on the phone for four solid hours. guess who? just take a look at the colour of the duration. yeah.

MUST STOP CALLING HER. really I should. I always tell myself that. I always tell myself that hey her exam is more important than your boredom and that she really needs to do well...sigh. but we really had a good laugh last night. really. couldn't have laughed more than that. smile. really. it's so addictive. can't help calling her. and I barely know why. no actually I don't know why. or actually we've discussed this before. and I DO know why. ahhh very confused. never mind.

Separated, I cut myself clean
From a past that comes back in my darkest of dreams
Been apprehended by a spiritual force
And a grace that replaced all the me I've divorced

I saw a man with tat on his big fat belly
It wiggled around like marmalade jelly
It took me a while to catch what it said
Cause I had to match the rhythm
Of his belly with my head
'Jesus Saves' is what it raved in a typical tattoo green
He stood on a box in the middle of the city
And claimed he had a dream

What will people think
When they hear that I'm a Jesus freak What will people do when they find that it's true
I don't really care if they label me a Jesus freak
There ain't no disguising the truth

Kamikaze, my death is gain
I've been marked by my Maker
A peculiar display
The high and lofty, they see me as weak
Cause I won't live and die for the power they seek

There was a man from the desert with naps in his head
The sand that he walked was also his bed
The words that he spoke made the people assume
There wasn't too much left in the upper room
With skins on his back and hair on his face
They thought he was strange by the locusts he ate
The Pharisees tripped when they heard him speak
Until the king took the head of this Jesus freak

People say I'm strange, does it make me a stranger
That my best friend was born in a manger
People say I'm strange, does it make me a stranger
That my best friend was born in a manger

What will people think
[What will people think]
What will people do
[What will people do]
I don't really care
[What else can I say]
There ain't no disguising the truth
[Jesus is the way]

woohoo I love that song. you know the other day I was in the library and I heard some guy sitting like 2 seats from Ricoh 1 and playing this song. at first I heard the intro and was thinking man this song is SO familiar. then it started and I was like WHOOT! quite marilyn. ahaha. really. I think. ahaha.

anyway maril you can go ahead and link me. never mind anymore. I'm tired of contradicting myself.

I don't really have much to say anymore. there's something about me now that I don't seem to have much to say anymore. I guess it's because there's nothing much affecting me now. wait till the workload begins next year. perhaps I'll be screaming once more. and when block test comes I'll seriously be screaming. ahaha. I keep laughing. there MUST be a problem. overdose of happy pills. who asked me to eat 4 hours worth of it. heh.

actually I don't really hate either very much, but it's nice to know that it's over. don't you think so? and they happily canceled pw meeting. not that I seriously minded today...it's just that I had to go home in the rain. heh.

anyway, chinese. haha. broke all records possible. it's the longest composition I've ever written in my whole life. I think my previous record was also a narrative, numbering 800+++ words. something like that. some quarreling neighbours or something like that. ah whenever I think of some dramatic storyline which makes people scream and fight, it gets very long. so how long was it today?

yeah baby that IS the number! nice number right? thousand and eleven! oh my goodness I went writing on and on (despite the strange short circuit halfway) and then I realised that I'm on the fourth piece given and I'm like oh dear...it's so long. you know what I'm scared of? I scared that I'm not writing really about betrayal. and the stupid storyline is SO cliche. cannot bear it. so why did I even write it in the first place, since it's so risky and so cliche? because the rest looked WORSE. honest. you know at first I thought about writing the argumentative one, but seriously that kills the most brain cells and I can barely hit 500 words with that kind of compo. and honestly the results aren't the best either. ah actually it isn't the type of compo I write -- it's the topic.

and I am so BLOODY mean. ahaha. I think so. the question was something about your best friend betraying you (so primary school, yeah?) and I'm supposed to write an account and my feelings about that incident. honestly the first thing that came to mind was, what shall I name my friend? and seriously the only name was vril's lah...and I used it. so mean right???????? ahhh...like she'll ever betray me. wait. there's nothing about me to betray. ahahahahaha. so dumb.

and I deeply apologise for the terrible chinese yesterday. I mean the account isn't much of an account really. it's so hard to type it all out. next time I should write it out first then I type. it's such a chore to type when you're not used to it. and not to mention I didn't have that much time nor brain cells left to do it.

ah. just wished shiqi happy birthday. ahaha. forgot all about it. luckily there's vicky. heh.

you know I think I had a lot to blog about today. but as usual, talking to vicky makes me lose my muse and everything that makes sense in my brain and thus...yeah.

oh and MEIDA, I wasn't saying that I need someone who knows who fujiki naohito is. I'm asking for someone who knows that taiwanese host of e news on TVBS who LOOKs like him. alamak. CAN YOU READ??? maybe not. ahaha. just kidding.

had a fun day today. actually I wasn't supposed to be on the computer. then when I got on I wasn't supposed to be online. then when I connected to the internet, I wasn't supposed to blog. so what the heck am I DOING??!! blogging lah...

yeah I'm supposed to look in the mirror. haha just kidding. I'm supposed to do my reflections for pw. honestly I don't know why they insist on this reflections process when seriously all the answers can be found in this strange non-existent ten year series aptly titled

not bad eh? oh I'm supposed to have chinese exam tomorrow, so...I was thinking of blogging the rest in

you think I can make it? I'm going to try. haha. we'll see how long I can take it.

shall chronicle my day first. then I'll spill some stuffs along the way. as usual right. I'm forever sidetracking and when it comes to certain topics I simply take so long to get back on track.

right. first things first. woke up early again this morning (I seriously wonder if I'll ever get to sleep in some day this holiday) to go for math tuition. so sad huh. but it's okay. at least it's not like she's boring or she's terrifying. so it's perfectly fine with me to have math tuition. yeah even if it IS math. it's true that math STILL sucks but hey at least I can do it. strangely enough. ahaha. perhaps I was born a math genius! yeah you wish...dream on, girl...keep dreaming...I'll burst my own bubble man.

then after that I headed to school. no wrong. I went to west plaza. I went to deposit money!! oh my almeida would be so proud of me. haha. although I know that night avril was like so pissed. she was like

heh. yeah darling I do. she was like mumble mumble...all because you're your daddy's bao bei right...ahaha. hey girl, so are you. honestly. your daddy's nice to his only girl too...

okay sister will come charging out soon...so better type faster. anyway after I went to deposit my money (like finally), I went to buy some stuff to eat. I wasn't very hungry and there wasn't anyone to eat with me anyway (as crystal says, I'd rather not eat than eat alone. I love that girl) so I took a lovely bus to school. actually I thought of walking to school, but when I lifted my eyes to the beautiful blue sky with the prettiest clouds ever, AHHHH the scorching SUN!!! so no walk. hehe.

okay stop going crazy. anyway I went to school, went to the library and saw so many people there. crys was there with marli and kur (must remember to link her later), and then not far away was joyce, farna and mariam. so I went about poking my nose into baka.dk (haven't gone there for AGES), posted some stuff, looked if anyone replied me and then clara came.

after like nearly 3 hours of doing pure pw, finally got out of there. into the oh so SCORCHING sun once more. then I boarded an 81 home. and poh poh lian was running for the bus with the nationalisation lecturer. I really don't know what her name is. but anyway those two econs teachers were like

talk about image. they've shattered whatever they had. ahaha. but ppl took till the same stop as me. I didn't know that. the math lecturer...ah ms ng, yeah the pretty one with fake curls, stops at the same stop as me too. ahaha. that used to be crystal's stop. arrrgh why is she moving...so sad.

yeah so I got home right, and then I lazed a bit, ate mashed potatoes, and then can't remember why but mother was moaning something about me being childish. I was like heehee...then she said okay little kid go watch smurfs, it's on now. I took one look at the clock and went

ahahaha. but I watched my smurfs! and then I was watching the e news on tvbs. the male host looks terribly familiar. I know someone would know him. but she's not in singapore!! and I don't think he was the host since then. they keep changing I think. so ky wouldn't know. he looks vaguely like fujiki naohito (which isn't a very good thing) so....oh well. never mind. for all you know meida or someone like that knows. or...never mind.

and while I was channel surfing along the way when they had adverts and such, I switched to mtv asia and they were playing this song. the girl singing looked vaguely (all so vague huh) like ashlee simpson because of the long black fake curl locks (fake curl again!) and the incredible I-just-got-bashed-up eyeshadow as well as the clothes and all. the overall image I got was ashlee. but something told me it wasn't her. there were two portrayals of the singer. first one was the above, the other was her with less eyeshadow, long blonde slightly curled hair and a halter neck dress. something about the song and the lyrics told me it wasn't ashlee. it was somebody else. but looked darned familiar. then at the end...

AHAHAHAHAHAHA it was the accursed LAVIGNE!!!! AHAHAHAHA...eh get it straight ah, HALTER dress okay...oh my this is the first time I've seen that woman get her image this wrong. but it's so amusing anyway. I wanted to call avril and ask her if she's seen it. ahahaha. I'm so bloody mean. but then again what's new??!!

so therefore I shall end my entry today with that very song that made me laugh...no the song didn't make me laugh, but the singer REALLY did...AHAHAHAHAHAHA cannot STOP lAuGhInG!! the lyrics are pretty nice really, so latch-key children. yeah. here's...nobody's home.

I couldn't tell you why she felt that way,
She felt it everyday.
And I couldn't help her,
I just watched her make the same mistakes again.

What's wrong, what's wrong now?
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

Open your eyes and look outside, find the reasons why.
You've been rejected, and now you can't find what you left behind.
Be strong, be strong now.
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

Her feelings she hides.
Her dreams she can't find.
She's losing her mind.
She's fallen behind.
She can't find her place.
She's losing her faith.
She's fallen from grace.
She's all over the place.
Yeah,oh

She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh
She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh yeah

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm sorry, dude. You're not any Miyavi pv. You're
most like the good old Miyabi, while he was
still in Due le quartz...Times changed...sucks,
isnt it?

Which Miyavi PV are you???
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You're most like Toshiya and Kaoru (Dir En Grey)
The sexy, silent type who hangs back from a
crowd--the people always come to you instead

What J-Rock Yaoi pairing are you most like?
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Shinya! You have Shinya! He is the quitest memeber,
and also the youngest. He is sensitive towards
you. He really loves you. You go girl. :)

Which dir en Grey member are you Goddess to?
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thus far it has shown to be okay. until the last one. SEX FIEND. thanks man. generally I try to control my results, especially if the questions are obvious. this was....hmm. oh and shinya loves me. that's quite nice to know. he's good to bully too. hehheh. welcome to my bullyee industry, anyone?!

didn't mean to blog today. but I thought I would just do so. I have this feeling that I only have the remaining 9 minutes to 11pm to write this. I think. and after that I need to sleep already anyway. must wake up on time tomorrow. although I'm still so sleepy after sleeping nearly 12 hours yesterday. so it doesn't do much help, but at least some. I'm back with dir en grey. I just told maril in an email that I'm feeling pretty happy and only dir en grey songs would upset me. guess what, I'm doing just that. now I'm feeling zombiefied. and I chose some of their most heart wrenching songs. I'm a heartstabber, remember? I still am. so sad huh.

you know that angel quiz thing from yesterday? sounds so true. especially after I put that song from meida's blog down. ahaha. not bad huh. smile. mae called just now (ah I called her first) and asked about avril. and then you know I thought about what avril was saying the other night. I was casually talking about my blog and she was like

the first thing I thought of was: am I to stop her from coming here? I don't really know you know. mae asked if she knows I love her so much. I said no. mae asked why. I swear mae asks the most poignant questions that I hate answering but I ought to. and honestly I don't really know why. I've always been making it my hobby to see people's reactions. I scare people with jrockers, awe people with them too, I allow certain people openly to read this shit, I do and say mad things that cause people to shake their heads in pain and everything. I push people to the limit, test their patience, annoy others. yet when it comes to passing my own territory for once I guard like hell.

but do I want to guard it? yes and no. yes because it's mine. that's what I want to think and I don't want your filthy comments about it. don't tarnish the lovely thoughts I have. I always pour so much out here in my blog and half of me wants to tell everyone else how I feel about you people, whether you're a jerk or you're my dearest I just want you people to know. yet somehow I think about it and then I think oh dear how would these people react? would it cause harm? and then sometimes I regret. I really try hard not to. when I first decided to release names on my blog and to account nearly my entire life I decided that I shall just do so and never ever regret it. but you know as the time goes by and I start to think back and reflect, I realise I'm not that bold and indifferent after all. or at least not as much as I thought I was anyway. so there. I have to stop, thanks to sister. yeah.

here comes the start of my psychotic moonlit night. I still love dir en grey. heh. bitching about j ko with my latest informant. ahaha. looks like it was a facade after all. feel sad for him man. or do I? no. in fact it's so darned funny I can't believe it! we're like giving each other new gossips. ahaha.

anyway feeling not too bad today. ah it's all last night's fault. and last night was MY fault. but I can't help myself. super sobs. I keep telling myself to keep off that lousy phone, not to call that number that's listed FIRST in the phone, and basically NOT TO CALL HER.

and anyway we talked till 1am plus and therefore she had to delay her bathing by like 3 hours. heh. and it didn't help that I was scaring her like mad. you know when you first look at and talk to avril you get this sense that she's the kind who doesn't scream, doesn't cry, not scared of anything much really and just cannot be bothered with the ways of the world sort of person. and then when you know her I tell you, you just laugh the SHITS outta yourself. and she's SO SO SO scared of the supernatural I can't resist scaring her. heehee so fun. I'm so mean!! who cares.

and then guess what happened. I was taking the bus home from clara's place after the pw meeting (which I stupidly forgot to bring out my script and was too lazy to turn back and take it because I was scared that I would be late for the staff meeting) and the 81 was moving along quite slowly. after fiona alighted (ah yes I took the bus with her) I moved upstairs. then after the bus passed the white sands stop I casually looked out to my right. and who do I ALWAYS see on my right?

no not avril you idiot. you dream on. although actually I wanted to alight at avril's stop and then wait for the 53 to bring me home more directly, but I thought ah I'll just take it all the way, at least all the way with fiona, which is like the next stop. and anyway. who do I see?

ah why am I writing about him again? it's over you idiot. ahha. it's over. yeah he's still pretty but honestly it's not the same anymore. yay! no it's not because there's more and more people reading this shit which is why I insist that it's over.

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball

maril provides the cutest stuff ever. that's damien rice's (whoever he is) cannonball. anyway I can't really type much further. I'm still fighting with vicky over our boo boos. ahaha. oh here's the picture.

ain't they cutee?? I drew those thingies. they are called boo boos! vicky's the BIG one and I'm the smaller and CUTER one!! thanks to vicky's friend. she started the boo boo thing and vicks couldn't get rid of it. and now I'm telling people booya too! ah sounds like crys.

speaking of crys, she's moving house! boohoo! no one to wait for me at the bus stop anymore! how sad. although there'll still be sup but...crys is at the SAME stop as me...and then sup has her study buddy, and and I have...

so sad. cannot run in late with someone anymore. I'm feeling sad. and she must move from where? ang mo kio to where? tanah merah. wah lao. tanah merah's an ULU PLACE....oooh sorry maril. hee. but it really is...moanxx.xx.xx.xx...

oh dear I'm going fairly crazy already. shall go sleep really soon. don't have enough these couple of days. sister was like you know you can't take late nights well STILL want to talk till so late! I felt like screaming back at her

ah well she knew it was avril but she doesn't understand why. or maybe she does. I don't really know. sister was the one who guessed it was avril on the other side. ah well. never mind.

shall stop here. go reply maril's mail. don't know if sister needs the comp badly. if she does then no reply tonight. if she doesn't perhaps I'll reply now. yeah.

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I want somebody to share
Share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts
Know my intimate details
Someone who'll stand by my side
And give me support
And in return
She'll get my support
She will listen to me
When I want to speak
About the world we live in
And life in general
Though my views may be wrong
They may even be perverted
She will hear me out
And won't easily be converted
To my way of thinking
In fact she'll often disagree
But at the end of it all
She will understand me

I want somebody who cares
For me passionately
With every thought and with every breath
Someone who'll help me see things
In a different light
All the things I detest
I will almost like
I don't want to be tied
To anyone's strings
I'm carefully trying to steer clear
Of those things
But when I'm asleep
I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me
And kiss me tenderly
Though things like this
Make me sick
In a case like this
I'll get away with it

stolen from meida's blog. AHHHHHH so nice. exactly what I want. yeah you know who I'm talking about...and unfortunately AGAIN it's a girl...oh dear. and lydia and I were talking about youths at risk today. ahaha. everyone became one overnight. so lame. but fun.

You're a "Red Angel" and just because it's red doesn't mean blood or something. Actually, it stands for an angel in love. You're obsessed with one person and can't get your mind off them and it's eating you away a little. You'd do anything for them and wait patiently for the day they return the feelings. You're a hopeless romantic and little things like roses and hugs charm you. You're very affectionate but you're shy. You're afraid of getting rejected. Think if it this way, the brave may not live forever but the catious never live at all. Don't be afraid to show your feelings. (if you cannot see the pics, go near the
bottom of my homepage and find your result.
look closely to make sure your look in the
right place)

What Color Angel Are You? (ANIME PICS)
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