31.01
let's put it this way. I shouldn't be here. heh. as usual, right? yeah I shouldn't be here. but whatever. I have some time here to blab blab and I shall.
I'm actually very tired, meant to sleep early, and supposed to do math tuition homework like NOW. but obviously the computer seemed too good. darn. anyway I will do what I have to do soon. after this entry.
it's the last entry of the month. no more daigo after this entry...next is my unhealthy obsession. did gp essay today. the nyjc prelims last year. I scanned through all the questions and decided on number 10. which was...
"Obsession is a necessary evil." comment.
muahahhahahha. obvious why I did that right? and I went on and on. somehow I have this disgusting feeling that I'm going to fail that essay too. but somehow I think I won't fail it as badly. but ah like how would I know right?
and you know what I want to do? actually I wanted to do the may 2005 layout in a spectacular manner aka using flash to do it, but I think the first one I want to redo is my 1984 blog layout. oh yeah. presently it's pretty nice really, but after learning flash I will first change my 1984 one, then I'll work on the may 2005. so I shall test out and train myself on the 1984 one so that there will be a truly spectacular one for may.
yeah right.
well I'll try. I want to do mask. yeah baby, MASK by dir en grey. used it in my irving utopian essay. nono not a utopian essay about irving, but it's the what's his name AH rothstein essay. yeah I used that song and that oh so awful pet shop boys song (NO NOT GO WEST) suburbia. anyway wlt posted some weird lyrics links on his lit blog. oh GOSH yes 'cher I've never heard those songs in my life either, with the exception of alanis morrissette's utopia. irving made us listen to that OH HOW boring song. yeah somehow utopic songs are so freaking boring. go west was the worst. and thus my use of MASK shall stun people. MUAHAHAHA. no lah. it's just a political song. genre kyo doesn't write really. but wth I'm using it ALL THE SAME. and it doesn't help that I love that song a lot...
anyway just now did some search on kafka. oh my like finally right? and now I'm interested once more in what was drawn in kafka. perhaps sakura crisis has it. shall go check. then can read and see if any relevance in it. and the book that seems the MOST appealing to me from kafka is found in
meridian junior college library.
I couldn't believe it. but who cares. I'm getting it. you know it's seldom that I take such a madness interest in some book that I haven't really seen (and it's a little big) but since I have presently, I'm getting it. oh yeah baby.
okay shall go check sakura crisis and must post this before sister gets out of bath. sounds like she's almost done. oh dear...
sprinkle some stardust around @ 2233
oh yeah. went out with eewei for dinner yesterday. VERY fun. shall blab next time.
sprinkle some stardust around @ 2233
29.01
hyde's birthday. haha. well supposedly. very sleepy and tired. sister's back. listening to hotarubi now. really really sleepy now. okay now it's jealous reverse. seriously sleepy. completed utopian assignment outline. very lazy to write it all now. although it's only 2255 and I can afford to write for another hour or so and complete the first part at the very least, I don't feel like doing so. and you know I've been staring at this msn window labelled avril for a long time now (1.5hrs I believe) and it hasn't even blinked once. sigh.
I finally updated my 1984 blog a little. JUST a little. it's seriously pathetic. but oh who cares. I'm not in exactly the right mood with the sufficient time and energy to do this now. and I'm still waiting for wlt's slides.
speaking of my dear FREAKY wlt, I was telling yap mae about how freaky he was. and guess what? she feels the same too. heh. oooh playlist went one round. it's yurameki again...back to wlt. she was saying something like how freakish it is that he seems to know it all, that he can see through you and read some parts of your mind and hit spots you never thought anyone could. the thing is, he doesn't do it like some loser fortune teller. he doesn't like sit you down and tell you things personally that kinda thing. no. it's just that he'll explain some observations, some scenarios, and some linkages and you think oh DAMMIT it sounds familiar.
shudders.
let's not talk about wlt. freaky. mae says his wife must be quite poor thing. ahaha. going out for dinner with eewei tomorrow night. this time it's really funny. usually she asks me out and we have completely no idea where the heck we really want to eat. this time, I asked her to eat with me, and I decided where to go and even decided exactly WHAT to eat. not bad right? if only that happened with vicks and carr. three of us have a hell of a time thinking where on earth we want to go and when we get there, what we want to eat, and then after eating where on earth we want to walk etc. what a mess right? but that's us. hee.
so this time must break all forms of tradition! ahaha. not really. very SLEEPY. should I sleep like NOW? I really feel like doing so. but that means that I need to fly home tomorrow and get this stupid essay done like REAL fast. because I know how long it takes me to get things done. especially essays like these. this is even worse than the victorian writing. I would rather write 3 victorian essays than do this. wlt!! all his fault. anyway I shall do it tomorrow.
daddy's going away again tomorrow. sigh.
sprinkle some stardust around @ 2306
28.01
okay. I'm really tired this time. my goodness my feet are aching. yes I haven't said this for a VERY long time, haven't I? so here comes the question of WHY are they tired? actually it's just my left foot. in fact it's just my left ankle. somehow or another my sprained body parts refuse to heal properly. first my left ankle then my right finger. as a matter of fact, I have completely forgotten how in the world I sprained that finger of mine. OH I SUDDENLY REMEMBERED. it was that kayaking thing! yeah! those 'pirates' capsized me, I tried to turn my boat over but my fingers slipped, and it cracked 3 fingers, out of which 1 got sprained. ah NOW I remember...
right. college annual road race. rubbish exercise we have every year aka cross country aka afternoon stroll by the waters. yeah went to bedok reservoir. and yes I AM serious when I say stroll by the waters. and in the afternoon too. crazy school. but never mind. talked a lot of rubbish with anusha though. ahaha.
I'm not typing fast today. perhaps it's because my mind is pretty empty. there isn't this particular topic that I wish to blab out. or maybe there is. or actually I don't quite know. I feel like saying about 2 things. but I don't know how to put it, and I don't know if I should even say them.
when did I deliberate so much about what I want to blog about? didn't I always say that I don't quite care, though sometimes I do, about the things I say here because I generally control the audience of my blog? oh well. time to learn to let go. yeah that's what mummy says. not to let go of everything that's inside me here, but to stop thinking about exactly who's reading this and all that. it's like if I've decided that I shall spill all here then go on. and let people know about this place. don't keep it like this. but I feel it so natural to myself.
well anyway. I wanted to blab a bit about the utopian lectures but the slides aren't up yet. and I was supposed to really blab in my 1984 blog which has been dead for more than a month already, but oh NEVER MIND. which brings me to another point. so freaky. okay somehow there's something about wlt which amazes you and yet freaks you. no I am not catching any fall-for-the-married-man syndrome from crystal. no. it's just that he is so freaking observant it's scary. yeah true enough some of the things that we learn in lectures are not really HIS observations, but the way he strings it together and talks about it is...hmmm. and today he was super freaky. or at least anu and I were freaked.
well okay. anu and I were strolling, remember? so after we passed the finish line, we turned right toward the school population, in search of the place to return our number tags. and then leaning (posing, rather) against the wooden fence thing in an atlas shirt (horrors! same as me!) and a pair of black fbt shorts was....
jang jang jang. ahahah. yah lah wlt. gave me a shock. he gave me that dubious smile of his which was like ugh shudder. and I was like er hi. we walked on and anu was like oh gosh that was scary. I looked at her and said
yeah. he looks like one of us. ahahhahahahhahaha
okay other than the fact that he honestly DID look like one of us (in fact really like most of my class girls, because they enjoy wearing fbt shorts, black ones especially), and that he's as fair as jk, there was just something freaky in the way he just stood there, while everyone else came in through the finish line and that...
dubious smile.
there was this...THING about irving. yes there was. this particular intelligence thing and informal thing about irving. that was fine. it made him a fun teacher, in that sense. but now there's this THING about wlt. it's still a particular intelligence thing, but also packaged along with this observance thing, and altogether like a very dangerous thing. there's something, something, something dangerous about wlt. yeah. somehow. he looks freaking normal, and alright. but...I don't know. I don't even know why he has become like THE topic of my blog entry today. ahhh he just freaked me particularly badly today.
yeah right. so easily freaked? no. it wasn't his presence that freaked me. I mean he didn't come out from nowhere. that is pure shock, because you didn't expect it. yes I didn't expect him to be there either, but it was just something about the way he portrayed that presence which was seriously...weird. to the point of disturbance. horrors. and yes that THING about him has been around for some time. this THING about him that draws you in but very scary. very very scary. let's wish his wife good luck. or maybe she's like him.
double shudder.
ANYWAY. google.com is NOT working tonight. and that is absolutely rubbishy. and overall the internet is being idiotic. yeah it's freaking slow and it CANNOT FIND GOOGLE.COM. that's like the last thing.
I don't really feel like blogging anymore, but the problem is that there isn't anything much else I can do for the time being. well okay I'm listening to kyo. I'm listening to the entire gauze album. it's running for the second time. I'm waiting for eewei to call. in fact I feel like calling her right now myself. it always seems more efficient. so I shall call her now and see what happens. I'm damn tired okay so PLEASE be KIND TO ME...
sprinkle some stardust around @ 2257
27.01
congratulate me. I skipped one day of blogging. yay. yeah like whatever...
I wanted to blog about the stupid big 5 personality thingy (which somehow managed to capture most of my reactions to situations) but no mood now. I'm actually very tired. not quite the feverish type of tired, not THAT tired, but still quite tired. okay I'm talking in circles. damn.
you know there's something wrong with me. then again, there's always something wrong with me. there must be a way to get rid of this problem. flush it away. I need the absence. like the holidays. make it go away. well okay absence need not make such feelings go away. but the point is, when you don't know a person, those feelings WILL go away. yeah.
you know suddenly I miss eewei too. somehow. I feel like eating with her suddenly. maybe she's free this sunday. haha. like what's the occasion right...but I just feel like talking to somebody I want to talk to. aha like DUH. oh well not really duh, because there are people out there who don't really mind who they're talking to as long as they get to talk, you see. but I'm pretty selective. yes I'm loud and drama but not particularly talking to everyone kind of person. argh the stupid big 5 test thing is rubbing off me.
anyway, shall call her someday soon. hmmm...maybe even saturday night. but I'm scared she's not free...well first things first. let's leave something on her livejournal! stroke of genius.
done. let's check again tomorrow. nothing? then call loh.
sprinkle some stardust around @ 2342
25.01
okay. thanks to my sister I am unable to type much today. wanted to type...some amount. but never mind. just the focus today. the main point.
clarence was talking about catharsis today. yeah the loveliest lit term, yeah? and he was talking about how some silly girls deal with their erupting flow of upset emotions by listening to sad songs and watching tear jerkers. like oh great, right? but yeah I'm kinda the same. but I have another way: call people. haha. yeah make them feel sad for me. or make them entertain me, as I used to call it.
I wasn't feeling sad today, but remember what happened last night? yeah I really suddenly missed her. I suddenly missed her in school today too. so after my bath and after calling maril and mae, I called her.
it wasn't long. serious. only about 30min or so. just to relief that feeling of missing her, that loss, that hole in my mind, to fill up that gap that she's left. oh dear. I'm sounding worse and worse.
anyway that was basically what I wanted to talk about. and I must go find the episode whereby we ended up in macs for dinner. I have an inkling about where that incident is, but not sure...just go check...
I can't find it. I simply can't. you mean there's actually a fatal flaw in my account? that my blog does NOT account for that lovely memory AT ALL?
wow.
sprinkle some stardust around @ 0045
24.01
as mentioned previously, I can't seem to get myself off the computer. yeah. as usual right? actually I don't really know why I wanted to blog today. just wanted to talk about two things.
first off, it's avril. OH NO like what's it about her once more? oh well thanks to some people. first of all, there was supposed to be bible study today but because angie thought she'll give us more time so it's been postponed. and thus I went to macs with meida instead. and then we sat in that exact same place as vril and I sat before. but you know something? for the life of me I simply cannot remember why we were eating dinner there. I only remember that I was sitting the other way, she on the chair and I on the longer bench and I told her about xinying's friend getting drunk on the hua diao jiu story. yeah stupid thing to remember from that dinner but HONESTLY I don't remember why we were there. and that must be the oddest thing I've said. because I don't usually forget such things.
oh and just now I decided to open up this OH SO old file of mine. it's one of those ultra large box files. yeah I have one. and I kept oh my goodness SO many strange thingies in there. there were some photos which I have completely forgotten about, letters which I didn't know existed (oh well I thought they all got thrown away), and lots of funny funny things. there was even my 2002 band schedule...yeah sec 3. would you believe it.
and suddenly I realised that it's pretty late. time to sleep. I shall pack the stuff I want yifang to scan and then go sleep. good idea, right? right.
sprinkle some stardust around @ 0039
just felt like saying this: I suddenly miss avril a lot.
and I mean SUDDENLY.
sprinkle some stardust around @ 0041
23.01
I can't seem to get myself off the computer. there's practically nothing left to do. or rather there ARE things to do that I don't really want to do anymore. anyway I've kinda completed the 2 main pages of the ELDDS website. maril please pay a visit and help me add things. it's simply bare and the structure is fully there but empty inside. I need info. I have some sort of concept (take note it's SOME SORT) so all I need to do is to type off everything else. yeah. and tell me if the colour is absolutely awful. I know old browsers cannot read certain colours. mine can, but that's not good enough. if it's really terok, then I must change the entire thing all over again. the colour was initially red, but I decided not to do a december 2004 reoccurence thus the lighter beige like colour.
after saying all that, here's the URL:
http://geocities.com/mjc_eldds
not too hard, huh. quite duh in fact. I couldn't believe that I had to do this oh so unoriginal thing. but then again nobody else would have done it either. so there. and I volunteered to do it. so shut up and don't complain anymore. not that it looks particularly bad...
in fact the first one I was trying and fighting with was seriously awful. then I made it too artistic. then I made it too simple. so now it's finally right. yeah darlings I decided to do frames and ended up fighting with dreamweaver all over again. and I was trying not to churn our some gothic/horror movie layout so as not to scare the teachers and thus this came out. it resembles my 1984 frontpage but oh whatever. it's nice. I insist. just that my 1984 one is more style. or rather it looks more bloody and all. which isn't very 1984, or is it? oh to hell with it.
oh you know what I'm thinking of doing? I'm thinking of going to heeren and getting that huge safety pin. yeah just when you thought my thing with safety pins was OVER, you're wrong. hey maybe I can get vicky to get me that. but that's freaking expensive. or rather, it's expensive compared to my bear. yeah the bear only cost 2.50. it actually cost 5, but luckily for her there was some promotion of some sort and she got 2 for 5 instead. anyway the HUGE safety pin at heeren (if it's still there) costs 17 I think. it's pretty expensive for something like that. not that the metal is particularly good anyway. or maybe it is and I didn't realise. oh whatever. I'm typing like damn fast today and I'm not really thinking about what I'm typing anyway. or rather I just seem to have loads to type away and I need to get it all out of my system. you know it just isn't one of those days whereby I have problems coming out with just ONE paragraph. far from it.
now, stop the rambling. the paragraphs are getting longer and longer. so what do I want to talk about now? ahaha actually I don't really know. anyway the weekend has WEE flown past. and I haven't finished the math. oh and I made a new discovery. no it isn't new. it's just that I simply cannot do integration.
I CANNOT INTEGRATE ANYMORE.
oh man you knew that last year, didn't you? oh yeah I did. I knew roughly how to do so for promos, but after that everything simply went down the drain. and I seriously wonder how many scripts will go to norvin tomorrow. I want to hand it in, because 1) it will get that fat chunk out of my bag, 2) I did it. so let's get it marked somehow, 3) let's not get norvin into trouble for this, 4) let's not have that woman breathing down our necks, okay?
therefore it must go in soon. I have a good chance of just copying the felle's work (whatever his name is) and passing it up. but I shouldn't. ARGH. you know I look at what he's done and I SIMPLY DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT IN THE WORLD HE IS DOING. it just doesn't make sense. the felle does everything too fast. I'm like huh why is it like that? how did he get that? where did those numbers go? what happened to that part?
and the worst part? I still have curve sketching to do.
basically I left the 2 worst things I do to the last and I am dreading them like mad. and also I have to do the matthew trail homework. I think that's way better than math. at least I understand what's going on. and it's okay if I don't. I can ask tomorrow. in fact I AM supposed to ask tomorrow. that's what they have follow up for. it's so that you don't get left hanging or without questions or thinking and then everything is head knowledge again. no they're not leaving like that.
oh man that means I'm eating macs again. I should get a macs card, right? just like how I ought to get a popular card and a spotlight card. I ought to be a member of all these places. then perhaps I would pay less. unfortunately, as the econs theories go, all these loyalty schemes make you come back. and the lower prices make you consume more. so in the end
I END UP CONSUMING MORE, spending EVEN MORE.
so what's the point? money still goes away...yeah I know I'm waiting and waiting for CNY to come and help to fill up the hole in my account. but I also know that the CNY stuff may not (in fact I believe it wouldn't) fill up that monetary gap in my finances. it might just cover whatever I've spent, but it cannot be called savings. I still want to buy an mp3 player. yes I am STILL at it. I wanted to buy one over the holidays. but plan interrupted by 1) no time, 2) buying my kyo poetry book. after THAT purchase, even though it costs like one fifth of a zen micro, I decided to stop spending so much. and I did. oh well I spent on christmas you see...and so I decided not to spend so much anymore. and now I'm trying NOT to eat recess for 2 very obvious reasons, and I'm eating less for lunch also for those 2 VERY obvious reasons. I shall reduce my expenditure to that like secondary school. and I shall start claiming my class funds. ahaha. yeah I don't claim the money I pay to class fund from parents. I believed I could afford it. okay I owed my sec 4 treasurer 13 over dollars but wth.
now I'm trying to pay, okay?? I shall just collect some lah. not all. just those that really pay a lot for. and I am defintely collecting for that ugly house shirt. well okay it isn't exactly really THAT ugly but it is still ugly. and gosh have you people seen the washing instructions?? it's so damn hard to get it washed and dried. which reminds me, my pe attire is still in my bag. again. better get it out soon. in fact it will come out tonight, because I have to pack my attire for tomorrow. oh no. you know I don't feel like going home after school before meeting angie. but there's more than enough time now. amanda called to say it's at 1730. and I finish at 1530. 30 min to go home, 1hr to bathe, 30 min to get there. okay screw it a bit, 40 min home, 30 min bath, 50 min to get there. ah there about. basically I have time to go home and bathe. but I don't feel like doing that.
lazy lah. anyway there'll be people lazing around in school after that. not that I can move much after pe. and it's so nice to get a drink and stone after pe. in the canteen. yeah. let's give it 40 min to get there from school. which means I have 1hr20min in school. so depending on how long pe takes (it may not end on time either anyway), and how long we laze about. hey it may amount to that time. okay set then. otherwise if I go home and bathe then I'd feel so nice and clean and don't want to go out. and then anyway if I go out like that when I come back I'll bathe AGAIN. so might as well not. yeah yeah I'm not the most hygenic person in the world but LIVE WITH IT. carr and vicks and dibz knows that best. heh.
anyway (argh keep using this stupid word) I just went crazy over an ayumi song. yeah it's hamasaki ayumi. I heard the song in the advert. and somehow those few seconds made me want to download the song. luckily it didn't make me want to buy the album. otherwise I tell you I'm doomed and ought to be banned from listening to album adverts. after all that crap, the song is walking proud. here's the translation. the lyrics are actually not bad. yeah I don't usually care for lyrics. it's that I wanted to sing along thus I went to search for the lyrics, and the translations came along. and hey it's not bad. not bad at all. in fact I was thinking that perhaps I can do something seriously different for my blog's second year anniversary. yes, in may 2005, my blog will be
2 years old.
wow. cool huh? few people around my age has had a blog for this long. and still running, that is. yes it's changed domain and all but it's STILL RUNNING. it's still running as Girls, be ambitious, so there. haha. I was actually thinking of alucard, then I thought nah...shall do someone like kyo. then after that I was thinking halcyon days, but where in the world to get the pictures from? it would be too graphic. don't like.
okay FINE I'm fussy. happy? the thing is that I intend to use my new flash skills which I will learn next month to do my may 2005 layout. and I hope that I can learn it properly and do something REAL decent with it. well it beats having to fight with fireworks (yeah FIGHT again) and coming out with some lousy gif file thingy aka november 2004. yeah yeah the picture was nice BUT fireworks ruined the quality and I COULD NOT GET IT BACK. yes fireworks won the war I raged against it. damn. that wasn't supposed to happen. but it did. flash won the war I raged against it too. but hey dreamweaver lost! and so did adobe photoshop! which is why I love those applications so much, yeah?
oh dear I still have 2 lit assignments to do. somehow group work was a wonderful idea, because there's more than one person to hack at it, and then you can do it together online through MSN. but now it's individual and I AM SO LAZY TO DO IT. yes a lot of things are in caps today and I SIMPLY WISH TO DO SO. okay that sounded absolutely crap. but oh WTH.
anyway, argh! that word again! walking proud -
My lips told a lie
For a trivial reason
I suppose it was for no one else
But only to protect me
When I was thoughtless
When I noticed, I was trapped and at a loss
Surrounded by countless lies
The sky I looked up at was beautiful
I thought of you
I wished I could walk with firm steps
Facing forward like you
But I escaped from the reality
Escaped from all the pain
I said to myself
"I'll be my ideal self some day
Though I'm far from that now"
After such excuses, my eyes were opened
What I could do was only to live in the present time
Does this voice reach you?
Does it ring in your heart?
I'm walking on today
Looking at your back as a guidepost to live
sprinkle some stardust around @ 1901
21.01
okay actually as usual I'm not supposed to be here, but oh never mind. I have 5 minutes more before my oh so early dinner and I don't feel like eating at all. and I don't really know what to type at all. I'm just like here for fun because I don't really want to play games and I checked my mail already and I've even checked all the different usual blog stops. and since I've been checking for the past 4 days in a row or something like that, there's absolutely no updates. well my friends aren't like me. even if they're online everyday they wouldn't update their blogs everyday. and I can kinda understand why. for one, they treat their blogs as something that they just scribble about the day and stuff like that. or some of them use it just to scream a few things and that's it. and some of them just go online and check their tagboard, reply, then don't update. not that there's particularly a lot of interesting stuffs. sometimes there is though...
so I guess I shall just end off with this song that has been running on my realplayer for the past 2 hours or so. it's a terribly old song though...
(initially, illogical you and inexperienced me our fate in the red dust, continues only in the silence of life) I guess it's the world's fault, or the result of ancient school of thought all that I have in my life, not exchanged for that fate that brings both of us together it is easy to come, hard to go. tens and thousands of people in the world doing so easy to split up, difficult to come together. this is the age old problem of love and hate the heart that ought to belong to you, it continues to hold on tightly to my chest only for that face which changes with the world's controller of clouds and rain it is easy to come, hard to go. tens and thousands of people in the world doing so easy to split up, difficult to come together. this is the age old problem of love and hate therefore you who is unwilling to go, wants to say goodbye to me who has gone the world still has faint whispers which follow our legend in the rolling red dust has faint whispers which follow our legend) sprinkle some stardust around @ 1742
20.01
I can nearly guess your first question. did I run into avril today? the answer is no. so sad right? oh well. zero premonition today. in fact I actually forgot for a while. is this a sign? I'm always looking for a sign. I don't know if there's anyone out there who will ever understand why on earth I'm looking for a sign that I don't miss her so much anymore. or maybe there are. I don't know. does it really matter if there IS someone out there who does understand?
I don't know. does it matter to me? does it matter at all? I think it doesn't matter. it just matters to me. do I have too many things on my mind? I don't really think so. in fact I think it's pretty empty. heh. hey not that I don't have brains, okay...it's just that I'm not troubled or feeling tired and burnt out and all that. so therefore I'm fine.
burnt out. mae's having that feeling already. mine will come. I know it will. and I hate it. so now I must find something, somebody that will stop that burning agony. does it exist? haha I don't know either. I don't know the future. I don't know what will happen. but oh well my days belong to God. He will do something about my days to come. and my burnt out 'sensation'.
right now, I'm just...sian. or rather, I'm alone at home, typing away at my computer so you peeps can read into my life and thinking about some bad stuffs. and good stuffs too.
well actually I'm still a little affected over that lousy math test. but to hell with it. must throw the thoughts away. it's interferring. oh and I'm thinking about my dearest new song that was the sign off for the last entry, halcyon days. yeah it's written by ME and it's prounounced as haal-see-yearn. no I won't sing it to you even if you asked me to but I'm trying to see what I can do about it.
no darlings I'm no incredible musician. it doesn't sound wonderful. but I like it anyway. duh. that's why I wrote it, no? oh man realised that there's like tonnes of homework to do. let's write them down here so that in case I forget or come blogging I can remind myself:
1. math corrections. can't believe it. 2. math tutorial. transparency too. 3. lit victorian writing thing. 4. paper 4 utopian writing assignment. 5. math holiday homework. oh MAN.
oooh. can't believe it. there's so much to do. oh well the victorian writing can wait a LITTLE while, and the paper 4 one can wait a WEE BIT more than paper 8. but can't wait too long. the longer I procastinate the worse it gets. I always tell myself that but like no use. as usual. but of course, like what mother would say, it's simply my attitude. and I'm too lazy to change my attitude. shall make sure I at least get the math done, and start on 3/4. somehow I must. let's try to get all the math done tomorrow. yeah. goals are good. hahaha. then I shall do some lit on saturday. then sunday can slack again. OH NO CANNOT!!! sunday must study NYA...got test on monday...oh dear. now I remember. well never too late.
you know what I'll do now? I do this little mind sorting exercise. I'm still one foot in lalaland and still an expert in stoning. so it's time to sort my head out. very messy inside. not much things in there, just terribly messy. so here we go, okay? let's check my brain out...
this year daddy's going to fly off more. so won't see him for a lot of time. it's quite weird really. I guess daddy's been around in the house all the time or at least most of the time for too many years. not used to it anymore. yeah last time it was like norm. now it isn't anymore. and oh well...
eldds has some nice juniors. let's hope the nice folks stay on. and it's nice to know that there are decent juniors around. it's good. yeah I still want a avril reoccurence but I shouldn't count on that. wishes and dreams aren't criminal, yeah? so I shall continue wishing but if it doesn't happen I shall try not to be too sad.
in fact knowing sufi and trace better. and that's really nice too. because they're lovely people. so cute, the two of them. and ah yes they are from THAT class.
since we're on eldds, let's move on about avril. yeah it's been the school term starting wonderfully (?) without her around. in fact it's beginning to feel more and more normal. well still talking to her online, called her the other day. still miss her A LOT. but not as bad. it isn't so serious anymore. I wouldn't say that I don't really miss her anymore, considering that she doesn't occupy my mind very much anymore and that I don't really call her a lot NOW that she has holidays (what the heck is wrong with me), but it's just that there are other things that are pushing her to the back of my mind, but she's still there, all the same.
yes I still love avril the most. don't forget that.
Erotomania: When a person develops an unreasonable love of a stranger or acquaintance who doesn't reciprocate.
let's take this thing ripped from yuting's blog from very long ago VERY innocently. yeah we're on to the next topic, aka THAT guy from THAT class.
looked back at a little of july 2004 and all of august 2004. now I remember how I talked about him without the name and without having to refer as a him or THAT guy. fairy godmother. that's right. you know it's SO funny to think about it now. crys was laughing like mad then. the difference is that, actually the situation now and in august is the same. and that situation went from late july through september. then it stopped. I think. wait. go read october.
yeah it stopped. there. and then now it's suddenly back. and I don't know why. it's very annoying. yeah after laughing at kh and yap mae, I'm actually as sad case as them both. sad right? I think it's absolutely disgusting. how on earth did I reduce myself to this?
anyway just now I thought of these lines:
~ronald cheng zui ai de ren bu shi ni~
nooooo.....
this is NOT happening.
anyway. change topic. there's lots to do this year. there's lot of deadlines. lots of work. and I still want to spend time with maril mae avril vicky carr eewei. wow all listed. heh.
anyway this entry has been indeed long enough. been hacking at the keyboard for a long long time. so that's all today...class dismissed...hahaha
sprinkle some stardust around @ 2110
I prefer to describe myself as a "Contemporary Anthropological
Interactive Observer" because it has just the right amount
of flair. Besides...."stalker" is such an ugly word.
heh. heard that? hahaha...
sprinkle some stardust around @ 2154
19.01
what do I want to talk about today? honestly I don't really know. is there anything in particular that I want to talk about today? I don't really know either. I don't really feel like talking about the day. although that would be not bad a start.
well I won't talk too much about school, as in curriculum time. nothing much anyway. after school had eldds. adam popped by! haha. missed people like him. felt like those old days again...and yeah. beginning to miss avril again. she's dropping by school tomorrow. but...well according to very practical calculations, I won't run into her at all tomorrow. logically speaking, it won't happen. so yes I'm hoping for something really illogical and out of the norm thing to happen such that somehow or another, even if I don't get to talk to her, I get to see her.
why am I always like that? actually I do buy the theory of 'a glimpse will do'. yeah. some people think it sounds real desperate, some people think it's simply fictional (like love at first sight. I don't believe in that.), and some people think it's stupid. but I just think that a glimpse would do fine. of course more than a glimpse would be better, but I'm pretty happy with glimpses. yeah yeah I used to laugh at people about this. in fact I still do. but I'm like laughing at myself. but then again, I'm always laughing at myself. I laugh at what other people do, say oh my that was silly when actually I do the same thing, or even crazier things than that.
a glimpse will do. yeah I'm always laughing at mae. yes that silly frog well of hers. haha. it's still funny to me. but actually I'm not much better. but you know why a glimpse would do fine for both of us? because
that's all we can get, anyway.
and that's all I got. and that seems to be all she's getting too. well in general, that is. well, adam too. look at the way he behaved today. reminded me so much of mae. but while adam is making trips to floorball, mae is making trips to volleyball. and where am I going?
band.
dumb right? anyway went to disturb yuhan just now. heh heh. the way they have sectionals look so shera era. yeah those days when we all had to stand and play the same damn thing again and again and then SL would comment and comment blah blah and stand right in front counting everything. so...senior era.
she will learn to appreciate me, the slacker sl. hahaha. oh well vicky does. ahahahahaha. yeah the one who makes the metronome lead the section (I just count), who lets the section sit on tables and put their feet on chairs (sometimes I forgive the shaking of legs), who allows them to sit full chair during combine, and lets them drink green tea and be late for sectionals. yeah welcome to the sl who never made her section run for PT in the morning, who never scolded her section really, who didn't punish her section either, and even taught them how to look sad when honestly we were supposed to BE sad.
you know after I said that: 19th sept
crys asked me what other choice I had. I had like what, CLA and GSC together as my other choice. then I thought about it, then said, then I would have ended up in 301. crys was like oooooh...why didn't you take it then...then things would have been different today. I thought of GSC and said:
not worth it
I mean I know there are people all out to kill me. NOT LIKE THAT!! please. I don't mind taking CLA, but no GSC please. and it's definitely not worth taking something like that because of him. and I didn't give him even half a shit then anyway.
you know sometimes I ask myself why didn't I join band. then I decide once more:
not worth it
seriously. not worth it. I'm actually darn glad I joined eldds and got to know my really good buddies like maril and mae and all the dudes of eldds like adam and jae and lyn and denise and blah blah. and duh. avril. oh so important. these people make my jc life more bearable. and of course let's chip in a little of meida, crys and norvin. finally my jc life feels better. and in fact we can add on. we can add shiyun, eva, samuel...even yifang is really nice to have around. oh and add charlene and elaine. very good. hey not too bad huh. but ultimately it's just a few who seriously contribute to my sanity plan. without them, even multiples of the rest can't make up for it.
but the old days are always seemingly better.
halcyon days
there was a time when life was so simple so much that I regret that I grumbled there was a time when people were simpler it didn't cross my mind that someday they'll differ there was a time when the world seemed much kinder and after I grew up I saw it was uglier there was a time when everyone loved you then it became oh so lonely and blue now comes the time when hope is important but also the time when trust becomes broken now comes the time when reality sets in and learning the world's ways leaves you there screaming those halcyon days how I wish I could go back those halcyon days recurring in my dreams those halcyon days how I wish I could go back those halcyon days recurring, recurring those halcyon days oh I feel like I'm back there those halcyon days recurring in my dreams those halcyon days oh I feel like I'm back there those halcyon days recurring in my dreams those halcyon days those halcyon days those halcyon days how it hurts to think of them those halcyon days... oh stop dreaming about them anymore sprinkle some stardust around @ 2233
17.01
aha. me again. 3 days in a row. terrible. shouldn't be doing this. anyway I'm supposed to talk about something today. but you know now that I'm actually at the computer typing and hacking my keyboard away I'm beginning to think maybe I shouldn't type.
okay so for the first time in some months, let's be vague. that'll be quite fun right? haven't done this for a long time. let's see if I can still do this.
went into econs lecture today. didn't really look around. or OKAY I did. but not very hard. until I saw the horrible pair of glasses. don't know what that felle is thinking. but actually didn't look that bad. just change the colour and it'll be fine. and the hair...why cut again? told you not to, right?? told you longer better...okay fine told you in my blog, so you couldn't hear.
no no no this is very difficult. VERY difficult. give up. shall not talk about it anymore. ahaha you thought that I would elaborate in my usual way right? too bad. no. actually if you've read my entries REAL carefully and noticed certain things REAL well you'll understand very naturally what I'm talking about.
and honestly I don't like talking about it. it's not part of my range. not my favourite topic either. but because of my incredible reticence on this subject, it is prone to much probing.
but somehow I need to talk about it sometimes. you know I'm always this very calm and cool person who's overly dramatic and horribly lame who seems terribly open and excitable over the craziest things?
I built the loveliest facade, my dear eewei. don't try beating me. it doesn't work that way. heh. now you know why I always tell you to be happy? it's very important. and it starts with getting rid of that mask. and I know it's hard. but try okay, darling? PLEASE??
sorry. my best friend eewei is always upset. and I don't really know why. or actually I kinda do. but let's not dwelve into it.
anyway, took the silly big five test thingy just now. sigh it was so lame. 270 questions. but quite easy to do. just follow instincts. or rather, my very first reaction would do just fine. there were some which I read wrongly at first, nearly agreed with crazy things and nearly disagreed at the terribly wrong things. sigh.
actually I'm very sleepy. but then I'm trying to stay on. or actually I don't really know what I'm doing. basically I'm online, and I'm talking to avril. aha explains certain things suddenly, right? but actually...I don't know either. I don't like miss her super super much like last time, but yet...ARGH I hate this. I hate it when I can't identify exactly what's killing me, and yet sometimes I DO know but I just don't want to acknowledge it.
after my philosophical rant on emotions...let's talk about something else. or actually there's nothing to talk about. or perhaps there is. NO I AM TALKING RUBBISH AGAIN. in fact I'm talking in circles. honestly there are some issues I want to raise, but I think I might have to lock that entry. but if I lock that entry, I might as well not type it. I might as well type it down and send a copy to maril and CC it to mae.
HELP. it's january. the first time this was mentioned is WAY back in august. NOOOOOOO.....it's been too long. and the worst part?
it's so bloody superficial. I can't believe I'm doing this.
and I MUST SAY THIS.
the red glasses are REALLY awful. the more I think about it the worse it is. tried to be nice already...
cannot resist.
Sai Seong, Saiful and I are working on the raft, and Luthfi walks by.
[Luthfi] (stops for a moment) What are you all doing?
[Me] Screwing.
*short pause*
[Me] Well, that just sounded wrong. *bursts out laughing*
[Saiful & Sai Seong] Crystal... *shakes head teasingly*
sprinkle some stardust around @ 2233
16.01
listening to jealous~reverse again. actually all I have to do is to load my blog page and I can hear it all I want. but anyway...
yeah that's the bear that vicky gave me!! yeah it's that 5 dollar bear from guardian...hehheh. it's so darn cute right? my sister and I called it bian bian (flat flat). because it's really flat out. when you flatten it it's darn flat. like tarepanda.
I don't intend to type much. typing is damn noisy and my mother's sleeping. and I ought to sleep early too since there's math test tomorrow morning (wah very sian). but I don't really know how in the world I'm going to do that after my 4 hour afternoon nap. heh. yeah 4 hour. so...
JEALOUS~reverse
Since that day I didn't know what to about him
for some reason my heart has rejected (him)
His form is changing, far away but all too close
Should I wear a mask, so I can hide my face drawn with tension
when I'm with him.
my heart lost in my body will someday leave me
I'll bloom as the poison flower
and become the flower that blooms again.
A wounded heart will fade away
the love is destroying you, in full bloom with the flowers.
I can't laugh like I used to,
I'm not the same person who loved him.
I only held that crumbling man once that february night,
I can't forget the 'you' that I loved.
A wounded heart will fade away
the love is destroying you, in full bloom with the flowers.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
yeah. that's like my favourite song for now. actually I've always liked the song jealous, but I simply love this version. so there. that's it.
sprinkle some stardust around @ 2241
15.01
it's me again. yes. let's talk about today. nono first I must edit and clarify and adjust certain things. thing, rather. due to meida's very sharp outcry (well okay not very sharp), I have made some changes to my previous entry. with special regards to norvin. happy? ahaha. you must be thinking wah lao like that also happy...but I think it's good to point such things out. blogs DO have a tendency to bitch and twist certain things due to the biased viewpoint and misinterpretations and loss of memory. okay that sounded very intellectual. heh.
so...today! went out for lunch with vicky and carr! haha. amazingly we ate pretty fast, without a lot of noise, and guess what we did after that? we went to the library,
and we did work aka study.
like WAHAHAHA...never thought three of us could ever pull that off in our lives, right? well we did! yay! I don't know how though...but we managed. vicky was scribbling lit notes, I was doing my econs tys (gosh I actually finished all SEVENTEEN pages) and carr was balancing accounts. not bad eh? then this funny little girl came along, and started screaming the funniest things we have ever heard. first of all, she just came to our end of the table and stared at us do work. carr absolutely could not concentrate. well neither could I anyway. after a while she left, then vicky went to toilet. and then she came back! and she was saying things like
"I take this kok your head ah!!"
"I use scissors cut your hair!"
and the worst (and funniest of all)...
"I use dustbin throw at your head!!!"
like WAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH.....goodness me we thought that the little boy of about 3-4 years old sitting at the next table during lunch screaming OH MY GOD again and again was funny. now we have a little girl of about 6-7 years old screaming such stuff at us. you know at first it's absolutely hilarious, then ridiculous, then upsetting, then sad. what in the world are kids learning? and what in the world are the parents doing? I really don't know. what is the world coming to??
haiz. don't talk about it anymore. so crazy. anyway not bad, I actually finished my econs tys homework, half my tuition homework on vectors, and got a chance to take a look at some poetry. yeah vicky's doing ariel by sylvia plath for lit. I found the name familiar. then I checked with vicks and I was right.
sylvia plath was the woman who committed suicide by putting her head in the oven and turning the gas on.
carr was like what sort of suicide method is THAT?! well it was sad. and I took a look at her poetry and realised that it was as morbid, confusing, disturbing, full of strange imagery with much reference to greek mythology and the nazi regime, with sexual references everywhere, just like kyo's poetry. exactly the same effect. I was thinking OH MAN there's similar book sitting in my house which is ahem MUCH bigger with such poetry too! yeah which leads me to wonder if kyo will kill himself by sticking his head into an oven...hahaha no I don't really think that would happen.
but somehow her poems, like his, don't make a lot of sense. kyo doesn't head back into nazi alone. he thinks a lot about stalin. don't know why. but never mind. after reading you don't exactly know what in the world is their point and don't really understand the subject matter at all. it isn't clearly stated and there's a whole lot of strange imagery that can be seen only in the poet's eyes. that sort of feeling. very difficult. vicky was going mad. I was saying the woman is insane. vicky was saying SHE's driving HER insane. heh.
then after that vicks and carr went to pierce their ears. so funny. they wanted to pin me down, hands and legs, and force me to pierce my ears. dream on. touch my virgin ears...forget it. anyway those two were wincing away and moaning about the dull ache in their ears and everything...like they should have known. oh well.
then we walked over to ice lemon tee because they wanted to fill their new earholes. like great. but anyway carr got a pair of earrings and I got a new shirt! oh dear this paragraph sounds like some people's blogs. you know those people who always talk about things they bought and where they went (like meida..heh) and what they want and how they should get it blah blah blah...haha. okay I think I've hit a lot of people on the head. but in actual fact there's a side of me that's like that too. it's just not as evident. yes darlings I like to shop too. I like to buy new things. and yes I do have things in mind that I really really really want to buy.
the problem? no money. haha. honestly if you want to know what I really really really want to buy, they are like not affordable at our age with our 'income'. and my ang pao money will only be able to cover my over-expenditure of 2004. in fact I'm afraid that it might not even cover that. darn. in fact I was just telling carr that I was trying very hard not to use my atm card and that I hadn't used it in quite a long while, other than buying my bus stamp. and then I used it to buy my shirt today. like oh yay. slap yourself.
it's not that I'm stinging okay, if that's what some people think. it's just that I'm really spending a little too much sometimes. okay I should stop this whole issue of money right now.
listening to garden by dir en grey. heh. no I won't upload it like I uploaded jealous~reverse. this song is way too long. I decided to take the live version. yeah the wonderfully arranged and amazing fan choir osaka jo hall live version. the osaka jo hall live version starts slow and steady with the chorus, then goes full swing into the original style. something like the original jealous. and then the last chorus is repeated like mad. seriously. it's repeated for nearly 5 minutes. half by the fans and the rest by kyo. yeah. something like that.
anyway, it's freaking late now and I was supposed to sleep 45 minutes ago. great, right? I shall blab more tomorrow. going to sleep with the bear that vicky bought for me!!!!!!!!
sprinkle some stardust around @ 0045
13.01
it's been some time. be proud of me okay! I didn't turn on the computer AT ALL for the past 3 days! congratulate me! well anyway I'm back here again...
I meant to blog like yesterday but some things cropped up and oh I don't want to talk about it. when it comes to family I don't like to talk about it anymore.
anyway, I finally know what norvin was trying to do. like OH great. go solo huh. please. I was thinking oh yeah it's not bad an experience because you learn to deal with some loneliness and all so that when you get caught in a situation all by yourself you feel fine. but actually he was just going through some relationship problems. but you know the next day we had paper 4 tutorial, and wlt had this reading which wasn't particularly interesting, ah this small print thing on totalitarianism, but one of the later paragraphs stuck out at me. it was this little (well not really little actually) paragraph regarding how totalitarians use the idea of loneliness to control their people. and the strange thing was, the author was talking about how loneliness was different from solitude. and that's when it hit me. norvin wasn't dealing with loneliness at all. he was trying out solitude. some people aren't lonely at all. they just want to try solitude.
you know how different those 2 are? any idea? norvin was trying out solitude. that means that they just wanted some time alone and sort stuff and not work or bother much with other people for a while. which also implies that in actual fact, if whoever it was decided to stop trying this new solitude idea (which he has now), there are people there who bother about him. in fact a lot of people already bothered about him because he seemed so moody and upset when actually he just wanted time alone and didn't say so.
loneliness is different. loneliness is when you find that there's no one there, no one to fall back on. that it isn't something you try -- you're sort of forced into loneliness basically because you don't fit or you simply can't find anyone like you. so no one cares about your existence and you feel like the whole world is never there and you wished you 1. die or 2. find a friend.
loneliness is somewhat like solitude in that sense the person is alone. without anyone. but the difference lies in the fact that solitude is a choice and the one who chooses to stay solitary can return to the real world, but the lonely one didn't have a choice, because it's not that he doesn't want to stay in the real world -- it's just that he simply doesn't fit and doesn't want to configure himself just so that he can fit in with the rest of society.
I guess this is truly what ailing meant about dealing with loneliness. that as christians, we have God with us. so even though the world doesn't like us, fellow humans don't seem to care about us, it doesn't really matter. God is always there.
but the problem is, the extract also mentioned that this totalitarian concept runs contrary to this particular verse, genesis 2:18
it is not good for the man to be alone
so how? well obviously man wasn't meant to be alone, which is why God created eve and allowed them to populate the earth. so I suppose that God allows us to feel lonely to teach us certain lessons. maybe it can tell us what's wrong with us. perhaps the loneliness can help you understand certain problems in the world. but God is gracious. He won't let you go through all of this alone. so if you check around yourself when you're feeling lonely, think. God might have placed someone to help with the loneliness with you. He might have put someone there who fits with you and you don't have to configure yourself and compromise with your personality or God's commands just to fit in -- you just do.
so what in the world am I doing? talking about solitude and loneliness. I don't really know actually. it's just that I guess sometimes I do feel lonely. that I often have to change the way I am to suit others. multi-faceted, and it sucks. yeah eewei I know it sucks. duh. and then you know people always tell you oh just bear with it. like it's good that you have the ability to create a facade. but I think it's really shitty to do something like that. really.
but you know, although I don't belong in the class (let's face it. I don't.), God HAS placed people around me who are better. God has actually chosen to save marilyn and planted her like so close. God has chosen to plant mae with me too. I don't know if God has chosen to save her but honestly I hope He has.
you know my evangelical heart has never been strong. like, honestly. it hasn't. but I know God must be trying to do something about that. which is why both mae and marilyn are coming for the reAch project. I was a little shocked initially. those 2 are like super busy and like have so much work and appointments. yet they could.
and then you know sometimes I ask myself, what about avril? what about meida? I don't know you know. just something in me is afraid of that. am I afraid I'll lose them? perhaps. but God's work takes priority. that everything is in His hands. if I lose them then that's it. but it's so easy to tell myself that it's okay but deep inside I know it isn't.
I guess after all these years of losing friends along the way I get more and more afraid of losing friends. and sometimes I wonder why I need them so much. it's very brave to choose solitude. serious. I don't know how norvin made it. although it was just about a week or so, it was so freaking obvious. but somehow I'm always floating in class. yeah I can talk to them and all but never in with them. but why do I want to anyway? arrgh I don't know either. it's nice to fit in, no? but to behave like them just to fit in, NO. yet I feel myself becoming like them.
don't want...
I wish jc would just go away. but yet I know without it certain things wouldn't have happened. argh there's so many things that I can't sort out properly and I don't even know how to put it down and I don't know how to talk about it either and then everytime I find something to pinpoint I simply find another contrary point and then I think about what's important and then something else rings within me again and dumps me back into my dilemma and I hate being in one.
sometimes I tell myself oh chuck it aside we'll talk about this another time. like oh let's occupy ourselves with something else. thank you for trying but NO it doesn't work. I don't have a simple brain thank you. you know sometimes I wish that I were born stupid or simple minded or something like that then I wouldn't get myself into so many fixes and realise so many things and then get enlightened so many freaking times.
you'd say that understanding is good, right? but michelle wong is right. understanding is NO good if you can't explain it on paper for your essays. true. head knowledge is NO good if you don't practise it. no point. it becomes just something simply there that you shouldn't even have learnt in the first place then.
and I guess that's where the problem starts.
you know I don't feel like typing anymore. it's making less and less sense yet actually it does.
oh guess what. I'm upset now. I was pretty happy just now. came home to an empty house. mother went out for lunch and sister went to school. played pieces from phantom of the opera, sang some of it (sheesh haven't done that for too long my voice is CRACKING) and then I had this craving for 24 ko cylinder so I listened to it. then suddenly I had this inspiration to listen to jealous ~ reverse, and I'm still listening to it after like 2 hours. and the song is just about 5 minutes. 4:56. but I simply love it. for ONCE the arrangement really fits in with the song. even ain't afraid to die is not this good.
I guess by this time, if you've really been reading my entry carefully and trying to make sense of all of it, the mp3 should have loaded already. in fact it should have loaded long ago...I've made it so small. you're listening to jealous ~ reverse by dir en grey...
oh and guess what? my mouse is more obedient today.
sprinkle some stardust around @ 1855
now I know why meida was so happy with this layout. the picture of daigo didn't come out! gosh like NO WONDER. sigh...but it's still reader friendly...
sprinkle some stardust around @ 1909
09.01
actually I don't really have much to say. honest. I'll just crap on and on and see if there's anything inside this half dead brain of mine and type. well okay I tried to clear my top shelf. in fact I did. found some funny things, and found some really old old cards. gosh. there was even one which gramps sent me when I was SIX. like how many years ago was that? TWELVE years ago. can you imagine? I've actually kept something that I just threw away for 12 long years. can barely believe myself. I found so many weird things from my primary school days I had such a good laugh. seriously. some of the things written, some of the people I used to know, some of the things they wrote, the stuff they sent, the things we did...so silly. yet so funny. oh whatever. then I was telling mother how fun it is, that my primary school years end on the last year of the millenium. I was p6 in 1999, and thus anything that dates 19xx is VERY long ago...and that's just because I finished primary school education in 1999 on the dot. so fun right?
okay after declaring that there's nothing to write about I typed like one whole large chunk. speaking of large chunks, I never knew that my 1984 blog had so many words on it. somehow I never felt that I wrote a lot. it was like bare minimum. then in the end when I took out 4 entries to pass up to wee lt, I realised I was printing 9 pages worth of stuff, complete with headings, no extra spaces or paragraphs, fully justified and with verdana size 10 words. 9 freaking pages.
scary....I'm so scary...ahahhaha. sounds crazy. anyway still looking for nice pictures of alucard...so hard. I was thinking of making an alucard flash presentation for my may 2005 layout, since I'm going for the flash course next month! I hope it won't clash with the opening ceremony crap...serious. I want to learn flash. properly. at least get something moving. it doesn't have to be super professional. I don't like aim to do websites like those official websites. but at least know what in the world I'm doing and some common techniques. that will be nice enough.
I don't feel like typing anymore. I'll just keep talking to vicky and maril. although maril isn't replying...
sprinkle some stardust around @ 1858
08.01
alright. haven't typed anything much for a few days. can't help it. I'm trying to stay off this thing for as much as I can. otherwise it'll become a permanent habit and that's really bad. suddenly realised that my outcry in red below is really distracting as I type. shall type faster and type more so that the text MY BOOK HAS ARRIVED can get off the screen. it's very...bright. meida said that when she read december's entries she had to change the brightness of the computer monitor so that the red could be toned down. is it that bad?? I didn't think it was as bad as the red text on black. after that you seriously see stars. anyway the layouts are all user friendly these few times...
thinking about my next layout. want to try alucard? yeah baby that sexy vampire from hellsing. woo hoo. beginning to understand why tay yifang liked it so much. and not to mention diana. gosh if those 2 continue this way they'll turn into paedophiles for guys. terrible. especially diana. in fact, speaking of diana, haven't seen her in ages. or actually yifang, for that matter. oh well blame it on my class. haha. not really either. oh whatever.
read maril's blog just now. about how the sargas (ahaha yuhan included) j1s did such a touching and lovely item for their leaders. candles and formations and singing of...
IF WE HOLD ON TOGETHER
sound familiar to you? this sort of thing? AND THE SONG?????!!!!!! yeah it sounds so tkgssb. and then we'll all put our arms over each other's shoulders, sway from side to side, and then we'll all go out of tune at the bridge. ahaha. always. and then the last if we hold on together will be SUPER loud. wanna bet? wonder where their ideas came from...hehheh.
anyway enough of the cold water. very mean leh. expecting a brown envelope by tuesday!!! so excited. I hope it DOES come by tuesday though. I'm like getting my hopes up so high and I honestly hope they don't come down like a huge bucket of cold water on me. then I'll be so sad. and I finished replying her! or actually not really. okay the way she replied me is by discussing every single thing I wrote to her about. I didn't do that. I just picked out certain things she said and things I wanted to say and wrote. and anyway my handwriting is smaller, so forgive the lesser pages of letters, okay? and buddy, at least my handwriting is slightly more legible this time round. I know the previous things were...oh my I shouldn't say anymore.
I don't know what else to say. but I feel like typing some more. but no more inspiration. how? sigh. need to start finishing my math. must finish by tuesday. then I can get tuition help. heh. and then pass it all up on wednesday. so cool right? just nice. and then I need to start work on my lit again. yeah the engine for utopian writing needs to start crankin' again...oh that day rehana mentioned a few texts. and then I realised oooh I've read a couple. like jekyll and hyde, and oooooh the name of the rose. I didn't know THAT was considered gothic. it was nice, but yeah she's right. his writing is UGH boring. but later as the story moves it's okay. it's like reading silas marner times 5. the book is like freaking thick and the author's style of writing is NOT helping.
oh and the more I read through whatever rehana had on her slides on characteristics of gothic writing, the more I prove that count cain is indeed gothic. in fact kaori yuki's work is like that. generally. but count cain is the ultimate. with the aristocratic background and mysterious supernatural happenings with the aid of science, where there is incest, rape, murder, betrayal, blood ties, where it leaves you confused, torn, and completely wrenched. ahhh that's what I call a great story. ahaha. so morbid, me. very bad business. doesn't really do me much good, honestly. it would have if we did gothic...crystal is like RETAIN ME!!! I'm not that desperate. I could study goth myself. heh.
okay that's it. must really stop. I shouldn't even have started in the first place. sigh. looked at previous entries. sigh. THANK GOODNESS ORIENTATION IS OVER. let me explain why I hate orientation this year.
1. no maril, no mae.
2. no clara, so jolyn sticks like HELL to meida.
3. j1s are DAMN noisy. shut up will they??
4. they've made the school wet. crys and I were like
having problem getting to canteen.
5. they remind me very roughly that I'm j2. damn.
6. there are SO MANY OF THEM!!! scary...
yeah. that's it. 6 lovely reasons why. next up is cca orientation. sucks too. oh I hate all these things.
STOP. go do math. NOW.
sprinkle some stardust around @ 2227
05.01
GUESS WHAT?????!!!!!
MY BOOK HAS ARRIVED!!!!!!!
(breathe in, breathe out)...AHHHHH!H!!!!!!!!!! it arrived yesterday!!! yifang passed it to me today. AHHHHH!!! so nice!!!!!!! it's not really a book so to speak. it's like this lovely box with 50 pictorial cards (which really stink of the glossy paper printing chemical), one book of translations which has the poems typed in both japanese and english, plus a CD with one song, mama, in it! oh and amongst the 50 pictorial cards (which are A4, by the way...) are some lovely pictures of kyo himself! like AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
oh no oh no oh no my fangirlishness is BACK!!! but but but but but.....IT'S SO NICE!!!! AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
okay actually I should stop here, because my entire entry is going to be full of AHHHHHHHs. I am so excited. and it's still sitting inside my bag, fully packed. and I mean FULLY PACKED. listen ah...
it comes in a wide scotch tape sealed self adhesive large brown envelope lined with bubble wrap, and then the book itself is wrapped with clingy plastic and double wrapped with bubble wrap and fully taped. you have no idea how much time I took to unwrap it nicely. I was trying to like get it open VERY nicely so that I could put it back in the exact same way as it came, therefore meaning that I can bang that package anywhere and anyhow and nothing will happen. what can happen with 3 layers of bubble wrap?? but anyway it made it home very well. actually I'm thinking of removing all the other wrapping, leaving just the box itself inside the wonderful brown envelope. YES ANOTHER BROWN ENVELOPE! this will be the 3rd happy brown envelope I receive! and each time the stuff is more and better!
first time, it was 5 burnt vcds from aireiko, adding to my wonderful collection of dir en grey concerts, then the second time was eewei's letters, and now it's THIS!! like AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
oh dear that was yet another AHHHHHHH. okay must really go now. go watch HELLSING!!! AHHHHH!!!!!
sprinkle some stardust around @ 2329
03.01
actually I don't really know what to write. I'm not really supposed to be here. then again, I'm like never supposed to be here anyway.
first day of school today. feeling the loss already. or actually I don't know. kh was screaming again about how lost and aimless it's become with terrorist stuck in tekong (AHAHA) and now school will become mundane. and I thought to myself, what about me? is an avril-less life any better? I don't know. received the school magazine and felt this urge to HURRY UP and flip to 307. but darn it's the second last class so just wait. and I finally got there. yeah I'm beginning to miss her again. and even more so without mae and maril around too.
you know the person I seriously admire a lot must be eva. she's darn cool about being alone. I always tell myself that if my 'friends' are rubbish I shall just live alone. but hey I'm the super social girl. don't tell me to live life myself alone like that and I will. it doesn't work that way. I'm so freaking dependent on other people. and I have yet to work out my insecurities. ARRGH.
anyway, received a lovely letter from eewei. came in this wonderful brown envelope. and I love brown envelopes. I don't know why. but I do. smile. and at first I didn't understand what she was talking about on the post-it then suddenly I realised that she was seriously replying to every single letter I wrote to her and that she only replied to 2 in that envelope. oh dear. and I wrote her how many? about 7 or so I think. maybe a couple more that I don't really recall. I wrote letters since like promos. which was OH MY 3 months ago...
oh and I like this particular quote in her blog. it's written by jimi, yeah the guy who wrote the original turn left, turn right and many other little stories.
("I often feel sad.
Actually, nothing really major happened,
but I just thought
why can't we go back to childhood days,
when everyday was a happy day?
why must I pretend to be happy?
and the worst thing is I don't wish to lie.
do you understand what I am saying?"
- Jimi)
sigh. it sounds pretty true. you know sometimes I want to turn back time and everything not because the work load and time table then was better -- that's also true but not the point -- but actually because it was so carefree and happy. it's like everyone is nice and even the childishness was fun. I mean nobody really got hurt and upset over a "I don't friend you" last time but now it's so indirect and hurts more. and last time anybody played with anybody. the only thing that kept us from playing with anyone was probably either you were a spoilsport, a crybaby or you had BO. other than that we couldn't care less. we really couldn't. we played with every class, all on the silly balancing beam, doing dumb things, like listening to cheryl trying hard to scream people off, laughing at winnie's hair, having fun with everyone and everything. yeah of course we didn't like people then but it wasn't so bad.
realise the problem today? it's not the system dammit, it's not the workload shit nor the loser stress that's making people unhappy. or rather, me unhappy. it's the people, the surrounding kids you play with and interact with that's making it so difficult. so perhaps you tell me to find other people. darling it isn't so easy. yes, forget my annoying bimbotic friends (you should have heard what they were talking about AGAIN today) and find better ones. oh yeah so simple. although I am forming like sort of my own bunch in a sense, it's different. it's like none of us really belong anywhere.
you know I never realised how much having an identity and all that crap meant so much.
"Somewhere I Belong"
(When this began)
I had nothing to say
And I get lost in the nothingness inside of me
(I was confused)
And I let it all out to find
That I’m not the only person with these things in mind
(Inside of me)
But all the vacancy the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I’ve got left to feel
(Nothing to lose)
Just stuck/ hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own
[Chorus]
I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I’ve held so long
(Erase all the pain till it’s gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real
I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong
And I’ve got nothing to say
I can’t believe I didn’t fall right down on my face
(I was confused)
Looking everywhere only to find
That it’s not the way I had imagined it all in my mind
(So what am I)
What do I have but negativity
’Cause I can’t justify the way, everyone is looking at me
(Nothing to lose)
Nothing to gain/ hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own
[Repeat Chorus]
I will never know myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel anything else, until my wounds are healed
I will never be anything till I break away from me
I will break away, I'll find myself today
[Repeat Chorus]
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m somewhere I belong
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m somewhere I belong
Somewhere I belong
ah we all know this song. yeah somewhere I belong by linkin park. never really connected with this song much. or rather, I always deny that I connect with this song at all. but I do. WAIL. I do.
DOUBLE WAIL AND TRIPLE WAIL.
now. pull yourself together. you've got a week ahead. why not a year? because it's simply a week. a sad and lonely week without maril and mae.
let's hope eewei sends another brown envelope soon. or I will die of this week sooner or later. and it SERIOUSLY doesn't help that I'm talking to avril online again. it just doesn't.
oh another issue. saw him again. and they rearranged the econs seating therefore I am behind maril's class (say yipee) and in front of his. still pretty. keep it up boy. stop cutting your hair. somehow a lot of the guys went cutting their hair weirdly before school reopened. which reminds me, didn't see crossley at all. heh. saw kkk though. he...very funny.
and actually I should stop here. yeah. it's been quite a bit already. and I am sounding more and more strange to myself. so...goodnight.
sprinkle some stardust around @ 2357
1984 Quiz Results
Score: 100% You answered 25 out of 25 questions correctly.
sprinkle some stardust around @ 0000
02.01
my mouse is still a little disobedient but okay. at least it's better. still reading fate. yeah part II of 36 moons. YES I'm at it AGAIN. like how many ages ago was the last time I read it? in actual fact, I strongly believe that I finished fate already. there are things that should happen in my memory which haven't happened yet and I'm already at part 116/136. so...I don't know.
argh school starts tomorrow. not prepared. quite obvious, right? I'm so scared that I'll come crawling out of bed at like 0730 or later happily and then faint of shock because I was supposed to have school. and the worst part? I haven't been to school this whole holiday. ever since the extended term ended I haven't stepped a single foot back in there. not even when avril asked me to. can you imagine? no I don't hate school that much. it's just that it seems nice to not step back into school during the holidays finally after 4 years of doing so and it was so appealing a thought that I refused to go back in there.
oh why am I moaning about school again? I don't know. but this wouldn't be the last time. definitely not. and although mae isn't quitting (darling can you MAKE UP YOUR MIND) I'll still be quite lonely during the first week because maril has pulled her back into orientation. so I'm left with meida. and we'll see if jolyn stays. oh sigh. I have this feeling that the batch will be left with 500 people after term 1. or rather, after block test. suddenly the masses will disappear.
but why do I care anyway? so long as mae and maril don't disappear and I can't help avril disappearing. okay that sounded bloody selfish. like I insist that people around me stay. but can you blame me? no you can't. I don't think so. if you have a close friend forever beside you or at least a gang around you to mix with then you shall never understand. never, you heard me?
perhaps you would like to ask me why in the world avril did stick to me (other than me seriously sticking hard on here) even though she had her own gang. yeah all 7 of them. more than enough. ah...some things screw and old relationships don't break. not even after 2 years. somehow I feel sad for her. somehow. but anyway avril ASIDE...
arrrrrghhh tomorrow. sigh. I have this feeling we're going to rot in the hall or rot inside c1-2 for a long time. depending on how fast the schedule comes out and how they're getting the j1s to move around, which I doubt will be highly efficient. good luck ogls. it's been raining. snigger.
okay stop being evil. I should get off the damn computer soon. but I'm pretty bent on finishing fate first. it's only another 20 parts, which means another 4 pages only. so I shall finish it. otherwise I'll feel like being hung there, suspended in mid air and thinking damn damn I didn't finish the story and then when I don't bother about it for some time then I'll forget where I left off and then I'll have to read fate ALL OVER AGAIN which is exactly what I'm doing now and I don't want to do it again. yeah.
so there. wish me luck tonight. must sleep and get up early. oh man...
sprinkle some stardust around @ 1833
01.01
okay there's this severe problem with my mouse today. it refuses to scroll properly not highlight anything right. anyway....
HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!
okay like what ever. yeah it's 2005 now (so weird) and I'll get used to it someday. soon, I hope. anyway I wanted to talk about yesterday. or rather, just about the phantom of the opera.
I went to watch the movie yesterday, in the morning. yeah it's true that the singing wasn't wonderful (like DUH after you've heard the original nothing sounds good anymore) with the exception of carlotta because I think the singer who sang instead of minnie driver is the original singer anyway. oh and yes the chandelier fell at the wrong place. it was supposed to fall after carlotta croaked. or at least the same opera that she croaked. but instead it fell when the phantom got exposed. but that was for cinematic effect so I forgave that. unfortunately he forgot that he should have changed the lyrics slightly because at the masquerade the phantom was reminding them about the shattered chandelier but in the movie the masquerade came before the crashing of the chandelier so hmmm....but speaking of the damn chandelier, the one in the movie is made of swarovski crystals! like AHH where is carissa! okay calm down. they're just little crystals. hey but it was so nice...
oh and here's a little bit from the musical. I just love this part. I don't know why. it's from the track why so silent. it's so....shiver. heh.
(At the height of the activity a grotesque figure suddenly
appears at the lop of the staircase. Dressed all in
crimson, with a death's head visible inside the hood of
his robe, the PHANTOM has come to the party. With
dreadful wooden steps he descends the stairs and takes the centre of the stage)
PHANTOM
Why so silent, good messieurs?
Did you think that I had left you for good?
Have you missed me, good messieurs?
I have written you an opera!
(He takes from under his robe an enormous bound
manuscript)
Here I bring the finished score -
"Don Juan Triumphant" !
(He throws it to ANDRE)
I advise you
to comply -
my instructions
should be clear -
Remember
there are worse things
than a shattered chandelier . . .
you can nearly hear the hiak hiak hiak behind it man. the lyrics are already so sinister. the music makes it worse. but who cares. it's freaking cool. basically all that saved the show yesterday was andrew lloyd webber's beautiful music, the wonderful lyrics which I first heard nearly 10 years ago, the marvellous london philharmonic orchestra's playing and the gorgeous stage. and I simply loved the part (daddy too) where the black and white scene of the theatre long after it closed, with the entire place filled with dreariness, cobwebs, dust, shattered glass and whatnots, turned to full colour and full grandeur of the theatre in its heyday according to the grand overture that always precedes the opera. woohoo. that was COOL.
and you know what? the phantom of the opera will always remain my favourite musical. after all the years of les miserable, cats, miss saigon, and all the various tunes I've heard through the million and one times I've heard the anniversary special of al webber, the phantom of the opera is still the best. perhaps it's just me and its gothicness.
okay for those poor people who don't understand what in the world I've been talking about musically, let's try the storyline. just a brief one. get the book yourself if you want. it's by gaston leroux. I have it.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Phantom_of_the_Opera
I'm lazy. because I was trying to type it out just now and realised that I couldn't do a summary of it. it was just too complex and difficult, partly because I don't really remember the book anymore and the only plot really left in my head is the movie one, because the stage and the book one is all messed up inside my head already. what a mess.