February 2005

yeah he still rocks. but not as much as dir en grey!! AHHHHH!! and definitely not as much as KYO!!!!! you know after I'm done with hyde I WILL DO A KYO LAYOUT. I am so darned sure. I will. um.

and diru is writing songs of higher and higher pitch. one day I will hear a diru song which is made up of entirely kyo's falsetto. one of these days...

and I've fallen for saku. the lyrics are so AHEM I won't put them here. perhaps just the translated japanese parts. the english is....never mind.

What Gender Is Your Brain?

luckily not 50-50 again. then I'll become neither male nor female. hehheh. anyway nothing much to type today. or do I? actually I think I do. but do I want to type? type.

what happened today? nothing much really. just shocking that I didnt eat lunch. like wow how did that happen. and I finished my gp compre before the bell went. then again, I was simply lazy to carry on writing. wrote too fast. hand pain. and then I wrote a letter to eewei again. told meida about entertainer. heh.

moved the loser platforms for pe again. but down this time. I think it was harder this time. the last time was idiot proof. just going up was tough, but at least the stairs wasn't so far away...

didn't stay back in school today. meida had to go off. so didn't stay. sat at the bus stop with this guy whose hands can fight delon's. woot. physics econs math guy. I think from band also. ah shucks. I think. well if dawn and siokwei know him although their from different classes, perhaps. but I don't know. can check his class. that's what school magazines are for. spying.

but seriously. and because I was famished I took and 81 to heartland. and I missed 2 53s for it. but missed the rain too. heh. and guess what? he got on the 81. I went upstairs. he went too. I settled for one of my favourite seats. he settled for the one in front of me. AHHHHH!

gah but he's not quite pretty. he has slightly odd features, seen him around before, but never bothered. sitting at the bus stop next to him was an eye-opener. shucks all these nice nice features are bloody wasted on guys. trust me on it.

bought squid wings and squid heads. my usual order. thought of avril. yeah that incident. sometime in september. can go check. I made maril stay back in school with me so I might meet her. in the end we left school without seeing her and we ended up seeing her at white sands instead. and she was eating squid wings. heh.

got home and slacked. seriously. slacking again. told avril that I'd stop slacking from next month onwards. which is tomorrow. darn. but better crank engine faster. rather than wait for all the stuffs to accumulate. I hate that. but I seem to do it all the time. damn.

talked to shujing and yuhan. not bad. sj got 8 and yuhan got 13. sounds exactly like vicky and me. just that vicks got 9 and I got 12. heh. well sj's staying in vj, but don't know if han is staying in mj. but it doesn't matter. han wants to try tj but I think it's no-no. whatever.

and now I'm staring at the screen typing away. waiting for avril to return from her 20 minute shower. sigh. tired. actually I don't feel like waiting.

but the thing is, I need to learn how to keep in touch with people. I can't always expect people to look for me or think of me. sometimes I have to do it myself. yeah it's super not me, which is why I've lost so many friends all these years already, so I need to stop it.

THREE

three names you go by
-yun, mei mei, pirate

three things you hate about yourself
- my procrastination, my ill-disciplined self, my regrets. (goodness it's the same as yenni)

three of your everyday essentials
- SLEEP and more sleep...

threee things you are wearing now
- pjs, specs, slippers.

three bands on your playlist
-dir en grey
-dir en grey
- dir en grey. get my point?

three of your favourite songs at present

- 304 goushitsu, shita to yoru

- sajou no uta

- saku (all diru songs...)

three things you wanna try in the next 12 months
- going out with all my old friends
- remain happy
- Study

three things about the opp sex that appeals to you
- certain looks, intelligence, culture

three things you just cant do.
- stop being depressed
- RUN
- stop listening to diru. it's addictive

three of your favourite hobbies
- sleeping, slacking, talking to people i love a lot

three things you want real badly now.
- can avril come back to mj? choi... - can my friends come to mj too? - or can I go over?

three careers you are considering.
-i don't know.
-and I still don't know
- and I really don't know.

three places you wanna go on vacation.
- japan. anywhere in it.
- lalaland
- lalaland...so precious...

you are MINE @ 0004

I am supposed to be doing econs NOW. but oh my ECONS again...actually knowing that it is my WORST subject should push me somehow forward in some way to strive harder but I'm so freaking tired.

actually I wanted to talk about opening ceremony, you know, the way I talked about things pretty recently, my account style. but I realised that my odd moods are back. which basically means I can't recount anymore.

what the heck is my problem right? I don't really know. it's either my procastination is back, or my tiredness has set in, or it's all dir en grey's fault. you know sometimes I think it's all 3 together, which is making me feel so bogged down. and somehow I'm trying to run away from everything but I know I can't. and I hate that feeling. so sometimes I say to myself, look here, you can't run and you can't hide forever so let's just get this stupid what ever it is over and done with and we'll be happier. but I don't know. I tell myself that and nothing happens. I'm just a slacker. I don't know.

argh I must stop typing I don't know. I type it so fast I don't even realise what I was typing. and that's bad. because that means that there's this torrent in me that must exorcise itself and come out in form of text and scream to the whole world that I'm sick and tired and feeling utterly moody not because of hormonal imbalances but just being me. again and again. and then I'm trying to get away again. it happens periodically. can I get rid of it? I'm trying. but somehow or another everytime I try it seems to get worse.

one week of cny, one week of opening ceremony. it just sucks. I just can't take changes to the timetable, can I? or perhaps I just can't take the amount of homework. haven't done proper homework for years eh? I don't know. there's math test tomorrow and I don't feel like caring. but I ought to and I'd better. if I fail again I tell you millions within myself will be disappointed.

I wasn't supposed to type about something so bleak and dark and morbidy today. I was supposed to shriek about opening ceremony, about the people I saw, about the things that happened and blah. I was supposed to put up some screenshots of 12 kingdoms that I just watched in the afternoon because I'm going nuts over keiki soon.

but no. I suddenly had this inspiration to type so much more and more and more. and I decided to type this weird little entries that shouldn't be appearing this early in the year. such entries which talk nothing about events but more like literally streams of consciousness are normally associated with stress and inability to cope with whatever's going on now. but is that taking place now? it's not supposed to. but I guess it's pretty good to concretalise everything right here.

I know many people out there hate to read this genre of entry that I have, and faithful readers of this shit place will know that it happens now and then. there are particular months whereby the whole month talks about my stupid thoughts, my feelings about absolutely nothing and anything and everything and my disgusting depression about seriously nothing.

yeah that's when people begin to worry. ahaha. there's nothing to worry about. at least I think so. I think there's nothing to worry about. don't bother so much about me. I'll become very wary of you. was it my background? was it my school culture? what's been morphing me like this? I don't really know. I think maybe it a combination. everything in my life seems a combination of events and sequences. the particular memories which stick are the oddest things in the world. perhaps I am not alone. perhaps other people also have thoughts like mine but they don't say it out. they have homogenised and become the same.

argh I'm not talking sense again right? as usual. when I'm like this nothing I say makes sense anymore.

there's just too many things to do that I should have done. you know there are some things in life that don't turn out the way you wanted and it's fine. but there are things that don't turn out that way and it isn't fine. and there are some things that turn out the way you wanted and it isn't fine either. argh it's so annoying.

I can't bear it. seeing her was a bad idea. somehow I think it makes it worse. indeed.

the self inflicted wound crying out deep inside my heart. it's self inflicted. it's my own fault.

why on earth do I enjoy making myself suffer? I'm so freaking masochistic I can hardly believe it. you know why I call them stupid things? because those things cause happiness at first, but much problem later. very stupid. but what to do? why do I do them in the first place? what the heck is always wrong with me? I don't know. sometimes I just do irrational things. perhaps there are other people who do irrational things too. in fact I'm sure there are. but it's just that nobody tells me that they do. but then again, why am I so concerned that someone ought to be just like me?

you know there's this disgustingly fine line between trying to fit in and being interdependent. sometimes I depend on others so much that I swing into fitting in. and this causes so much misery I can barely take it. ARGH. I hate this sort of feeling. but it always happens.

I'm suddenly laughing. I love phone calls. and I love my friends who call. seriously.

yeah haven't seen updates here for quite a long while, yeah? yes I didn't blog for the past 3 days but in actual fact I was online all the time. as usual right? it's just that I didn't have the time to blog.

not that I really have time today either. I'm just here to update. heh. like update what????

well today is MJC's opening ceremony. like why do I care about that?! but anyway I'm happily going in my house shirt, school skirt and slippers. cool huh? for the first time I will do this sort of thing. yeah I've been such a good girl all these years, it's time to break some stuffs. heh.

oh well avril's coming (with the 4 waitresses...ahahah)but we're all split up. maril's over at park view primary with somebody kur might die to stand with, mae's in charge of dinner (well some ladling might do her some good. haha) and I'm stuck at the C block corridor pillar. yeah pillar. but after that I think we get a break. heh. I want to watch the concert. well they've taken so much to put it together and it's FOC so why not. ahah. so damn cheapskate right, me.

what's new??? well here's something new. I think I've...well not really revived, but realised that I still like dir en grey music the best. I mean, larc and gackt is really nice too. luna sea had been nice, after I've been listening to that tape for the past couple of years again and again. but no other band's music is like dir en grey's. somehow. I don't really know why. but it's just so nice.

and I've just fallen in love with another song of theirs. well you see, I didn't really bother much about the vulgar album, and thus I don't really know the songs. it's just that I listened to jiabi's copy and took note of some tracks and went to download. didn't really care about those tracks I downloaded too, until I transferred them into my mp3 player and I was like OOOOOOOHHHHHH what song is THIS????!!!!! yeah I've fallen in love with sajou no uta. the lyrics are so-so, but oh my GOSH the song is SO NICE....it's one of their heart wrenchers. heh. I'm at it again right...

okay shall go check some stuffs, pack my stuff, call minnie and scoot out. oh and upload this thingy.

congratulate me. I didn't blog for 2 days. yeah just 2 days. hey it's an achievement okay!!

chinaman changed his glasses!!! AWWWWWW.......so sad! then now trace would be so saddd....goodness maril he lives in tanah merah huh. ahahaha. make sure you don't end up seeing his armpit hair too...ahahahhahahaha. that was super funny.

had opening ceremony rehearsal again today. so lame. and I simply love my new mp3 player!! AHHH!!! it really does help keep people company. I mean I wasn't really super bored, knowing how well I can stone. and I can REALLY stone. yeah I'll become a monument some day, but before that day comes I shall prolong my life by listening to my zen touch. wahahaha. I haven't told avril yet. she will kill me I tell you. somehow or the other.

and you know I'm supposed to dig for my econs things now, but I'm like so super lazy. I just decided to type on and on here because I haven't blogged for so long. and you know what? I'm super looking forward to friday. seriously.

NOT because of stupid opening ceremony lah. don't puke everything you have and fall forward flat on your face. vril's coming. heh. that's why. well if nothing happens yeah she'll be there.

nice right? ahaha but this is no love song. surprised? well I was. this song is from sally ye to her stepson. and it's a pretty nice song anyways.

okay I shall stop here. I need to file my econs stuffs...so sian. there's barely anything right?! goodness I don't know what to put in if you don't want me to put my notes in. seriously. I don't really remember doing much. just 2 tests I think and a couple of worksheets. I know some of them put their essay plans in to make it look fatter but

my essay plans CANNOT go in looking like that. goodness my chicken scratches CANNOT absolutely CANNOT go in. so I shall go dig. sister is going to come out in like 10 minutes or so...shall say my last words to avril..ahahahaha....no lah....

1. stef choo. haven't seen her in ages. then suddenly I ran into her on the bus. and she looks so much better now. yeah she cut a LOT of her hair. it's so freaking short now. rather than last time and her oh so beautiful hair. UGH. and initially I didn't really recognise her. it's just that I felt that she looked familiar, then she smiled at me and then I saw the

ahahahahhahaha I will never forget those yellow things. so funny. kimberley rocks I tell you. okay I shall stop being mean. aiyoh but it was SO FUNNY. but luckily she got off like 2 stops later. I cannot imagine having to take the bus with her to my stop. the silence would be absolutely awkward. somehow. oh yeah. I ran into her on tuesday. and today is friday. ahaha.

but it's simply so funny!!! must listen with the song. THEN it's funny. it's so freaking mean to gackt. but like who cares?!

3. stupid.html. I decided to redo it. so wait a while. first I need to compile my stupidness, then I need to put them in this beautiful table format. let me redeem myself with some form of organisation, can?

4. chinaman. ah he has a name. his name is guo cheng xuan. well according to the CNY concert booklet it is. he's DAMN funny. somehow whenever I see him I laugh. and he has the same effect on suf and trace. and di too I think. somehow. we all just can't help cracking up. so what happened??? it was this fateful day at CNY concert rehearsal...

well okay, cut the drama. eldds was outside the hall waiting to go in, then suf trace hani and I were bored, leaning against the railings next to the hall. then trace said she liked cx's glasses, so suf dared her to ask him for them. we were like laughing and laughing, then suf really called him. then she just asked him when eldds is going in. and then he replied that we'll be going in soon and we should get ready.

and then we burst out laughing and laughing!!!! goodness you know he didn't exactly strike me as a china student but after those 2 lines or so it was darned obvious. and then trace was like STOP IT and then suf had to call him again, and this time she asked where he got his specs from. he gave that absolutely blank look like why are you asking such a question kind of look and then he replied that he got them from china. then we gave this really loud awwww and told trace hey trace you need to go all the way to china to get them. trace was like no worries, we're going to yunnan right??! and we all cracked up again! oh gosh I swear we're all childish and bored idiots. but it was really funny.

and then on wednesday di anu suf trace and I were sitting at the back of lt1 for eldds and talking. then can't remember how, chinaman (as they call him) came into the conversation, and di was saying oh you know I saw chinaman's armpit hair, and we were like WHAT???! then she explained, saying that she was on the mrt, and then he was there, holding onto the triangle railing thing and because he's like a head taller than di she could see...and we were like ewww.....but it was a good laugh too. AHAHA.

5. eldds juniors. my juniors rock. seriously. I hope most of them stay. I mean, they say they want to, but as usual you know results simply change everything. but they're cute. okay I'm closer to the total defence bunch. heh. well there aren't that many juniors so they'd better be okay. otherwise there's like nobody!! well yes I continue to stick to suf anu trace and di, and stick to maril and mae, but ah it's different. it's fun to make fun of juniors. heh. I'm so freaking mean.

and I still don't get the stupid open close thing. stupid daniel don't want to tell me. he and the other vs guy. can't remember what's his name for nuts. dianne got it and then she smiled and alighted. GREAT. then it was left with adam cherie and me. 3 goons who all didn't understand the open close. well at least now ashwin got the johnny woosh. he took DAMN long to get the mrt one. all of us were cracking up already.

the best was the black magic. goodness. it was only when we were leaving that we revealed the secret behind black magic and we were like laughing the entire atrium down. we were like a bunch of nonsensical idiots. but fun too. smile.

6. shopping list. okay. actually I don't really have a shopping list. I don't buy much. and after my ONE item today I think I'd better start saving lots again. but in any case, if you kids want to buy for me, ahaha no lah. these things can only be bought by me, unless you seriously know my taste. yeah just put everything my class loves and you'll know what I hate. quite simple? you bet.

anyway, I need a wallet. my little coin pouch is still alive, but honestly it's too small. I'm thinking of getting a proper wallet. NO not one of those bulky pink double fold with button roxy things. NOT that kind. more like a simple double fold black thing which can keep the bare minimum. which means just my cards and money. no neoprints. don't fancy those things. yeah sister is telling me to go to AMK central to buy and I'm thinking of going too...but I want someone to go with me...but who on EARTH would go to AMK with me...

well fine get someone from outer space. so lame. then I want to get more shirts. I always say this you know. but you know I'm so freaking fussy it's near impossibility to get clothes for me. and I mean I am FREAKING fussy. and it's so hard to get rectangle shirts. shirts nowadays are either like gosh so short or so tight. okay maybe thanks to myself being tall and fat but hey can people spare a little more cloth? we're not suffering from cloth insufficiency here you know. argh.

that's about it. right? well off the top of my head, that's it. after all vicky's getting the safety pin for mee......yayayayayayay

7. hito ni yasashiku. no not 3 peace, although I'm seriously thinking of printing it. anyway I'm talking more about the matthew trail thing. yeah about the part where we ought to be kind to one another because that's how we ought to love one another. sigh. then I thought of hito ni yasashiku, which basically means be nice to people. like oh great. you people out there know what's like my biggest problem. I'm so bloody mean. somehow. I tried being nice last year, but I found myself so freaking fake. I guess being nice needs to come from the heart, not so much in action. after a while it'll get tiring if it's simply in form. which did anyway.

argh. so hard to be truly truly nice. and I mean truly truly. not easy. it's easy to be just nice loh, but to be seriously nice to everybody in the world not because you want something back or because you want like appreciation or recognition is so freaking hard. trust me on that.

8. today's trip. wow finally reached here. it's been a freakingly long entry. I have the time anyway. well not really but never mind. anyway today was supposed to go out with sister. supposed to meet her at liang court's entrance. my initial thoughts was how to get there, how long it takes to get there, how to walk from the mrt station, if I'll get there on time blah. then when I finally DID get there (I climbed NINETY steps to the stupid exit from the mrt station okay...), and I got there early, I realised that I forgot the all important thing: which entrance? then I just hung around there and finally sister came. gosh.

then we went to kinokuniya, which was why my sister wanted to go to liang court in the first place. gosh the place is SO quiet you could hear a pin drop. and the place is like overflowing with japanese. so we took the escalator up and walked straight into kino. then I looked at the counter staff and got a shock.

it was melissa tan. yeah melsa. melsa, our dear dear band leader. she smiled at me and I smiled too. well what on earth did you expect me to do? I wasn't going to greet her. ahaha. goodness NO. and she cut her hair too. what's with these clarinetists...

anyway sister got her electronic japanese-english dictionary and I smiled again to melsa and walked out. then because I wanted my mp3 player (yes I FINALLY GOT IT) we walked to funan. and guess what?

like GOSH I haven't seen rain for ages. then we went into funan and I got my mp3 player!! yeah it's the same one as norvin (damn I was trying to get another colour but there ISN'T a variation in colour) but it's nice anyway. it's charging under my table now....hehheh...

but anyway WOOHOO! so cool. finally got an mp3 player. well actually I was thinking about the phillips one, but like not very good. iPod is OUT. so expensive. and zen touch is 20GB too anyway. like hello that's half my computer. iShuffle is the cheapest thing out there but goodness me it's a little dumb. dunwan.

and the rest of the stuff is either too small or too expensive. like the stupid zen micro. it can only store 5GB and costs more then zen touch. a bit senseless right? just because it's smaller and comes in 10 different colours doesn't mean that it should be so much more expensive. it's like nearly 100 bucks difference. I'm not THAT crazy. money don't drop from the sky and don't grow on trees you know.

but anyway at the end of the day, I've used up a lot of money again. and mother just deposited my angpow money. just when my account looked pretty decent again I had to make it turn out like that once more. I'm so terrible right. but oh well. at least I got what I wanted. not so hard right. well let's hope that my money comes back. yeah the stupid investment thingy that I let posb do for me is suddenly making hell lot of sense in econs now. well not that it didn't make any sense when the lady explained it to me (if it didn't make sense I wouldn't let her touch MY money), but it's just that didn't realise certain implications. oh well. too late. money's become a bond now. let's hope the interest rate is high enough for them to sell my bond back to me. nono GIVE my bond back to me as money. ah.

oh whatever. why am I spouting econs?? did I tell you? there's no econs homework this weekend!! like WEEE!!!

okay I should stop this negative attitude right? but I can't help it too. well FINE I can but I don't like helping it. happy?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KAORU! oh yeah, it's kaoru's birthday today! so here's another picture. no it's not recent. heh.

wondering why he's prettier than you? ahaha just kidding. wanted to turn today's entry into a picture post, in order to scare meida and kur half to bits. no lah. actually there's nothing scary about them. most of it is just make up. they look perfectly normal without the make up and dresses. yeah dresses.

anyway I don't have time AGAIN, so I shall end here. so agenda (aiyoh weekend must write a lot) here:

happy birthday KYO!!!!! AHHHHH!!!! didn't expect to be able to use the comp today. anyway I don't have much time so I won't say much. it's just that it's kyo's birthday today and I thought that I ought to wish him here. heh. here's a lovely picture of him!! just scanned!

DAMN cute you know, this picture. anyway I think sister's coming out soon really and I need to get off. I'm just jaga-ing the comp.

eh....happy birthday angela! ahaha. should have wished her like yesterday when I saw her right...

I don't have much to say. seriously. I'm just blogging for the sake of blogging. heh. my left eye is very itchy. maybe it's dry. maybe it's me. actually I ought to sleep early. long day tomorrow. longer than it should really. but oh well.

and I need to do my tuition homework. I've been slacking very very badly. sigh. computer addiction.

meida is supposed to come online to do the lit thingy. either I've come online way too late, or she's gone to sleep early or something. whatever.

wlt finally put his slides up. the particular set that I wanted to send eewei. so shall send the notes on the way soon. yeah soon. not now.

looking for more he jun xiang. yeah meida says I'm crazy already. oh well I need something new, yeah? yes other than reviewing old obsessions, I need to add on. otherwise it's so sad...

actually I meant to do 2 things today. I was supposed to rewrite good morning hide such that it makes sense and it applies to me. wahaha. and then I promised yesterday that I'd pull out the stupid things I do, right? let's try to at least redo good morning hide. at least that's easier. I think.

lazy to link it for ya. so I'll just leave it like that. argh must tell mother about my incredible schedule. and it's so late. the lights are still on. I think. give me 2 minutes.

great she's bathing. well at least she isn't sleeping. ah well. should I pull out my stupid deeds? perhaps. since I have some time now and I'm so dead.

instead of placing them ALL here, then your poor eyes are so strained, I'll link it.

alright. all unhappiness aside. it's valentine's day!!! like oh WOW. full of nonsense. wahaha loads will kill me for saying this but obviously v day doesn't mean anything to me. at least not while I have no valentine. makes sense, right? makes a LOT of sense. but anyway since it's a time of giving (gosh like christmas or something came again) and friendship week I decided to be nice. yes I decided to be NICE. yeah yeah they always say nice and me don't go together. that's why yesterday was so funny. goodness knows how many people I've told already.

went out with vicky to buy v day presents yesterday afternoon. then suddenly vicky turned to me and said:

quite obviously it's neither hers nor my culture to do this sort of thing. tkg never really practised it properly. it wasn't like whole school thing. yeah there were people who would buy some little thingies for people and mostly food anyway, but not on this scale. but I've learnt from last year. heh.

oh yeah I took a picture of the turtle and penguin I gave maril and mae!! today will be picture day!!

AIYOH cute right??!!! actually there's one more in the set. there's a seal too. somebody get it for muee!!!! wahaha. I'm a horrid little girl, I'm sure. I'm like aiming everybody to get things for me. on one hand I'm terrible, but on the other hand, hey at least I know what I want and I tell you, so you get an easier job and I'm happy too! good right?

oh and guess what? I think I've seriously revived my thing for laruku, and most importantly, HYDE!!!!! okay for the poor souls visiting this place and not knowing who hyde is, what in the world he looks like, here we go. picture time, remember?

okay perhaps I should explain my mission. yeah right. mission my foot. basically, hyde is the one that got me hooked on jrock. no wrong. got me hooked on the androgynous males aka the pretty boys. yeah my super obsession. and then I made a website on him and everything. then I started this blog only after my thing about him died down a lot. and then I realised to my horror, that...

not a SINGLE ONE!!! oh I feel sad for the boy. okay not a boy anymore. hyde is a proud daddy now. oh yeah you bet his little one is going to be real real good looking. when you put megumi and hyde together, what could go wrong??? and since I intend to use the butterfly's sleep lyrics (butterfly's sleep is by l'arc~en~ciel, hyde's group), I need an apt picture.

like a young girl, with clear and lovely eyes
shy with pale white skin and a dress dancing like a butterfly

that's the excerpt I'm using! so here are the candidates. please refrain from spitting at your monitor because he is simply too pretty or closing the window because he's probably prettier than YOU.

yeah sorry if any of the pictures are slightly out of proportion. no time. but in any case you can click on the pictures and see a bigger version. unfortunately for myself (and yourself?) the prettier pictures I have of hyde (the really really pretty pretty ones) are all so small in size. they should have HUGE poster size thingies. seriously man. ahaha. it's just me right? so I will decide on one for my may 2005 layout!! yipee!!!!! new inspiration. although I already sort of have in mind which picture I want to take (notice there are a few pictures from the same photoshoot...), but nevermind, I'll leave them here and think about it.

okay one pretty boy down. that's the old pretty boy. yeah those pictures up there are of long ago, nearly 10 years now, for that particular set. so that means there's another one right?? oh no I'm so terribly excitable today. of course he's none other than he jun xiang!!! WAAAA....okay must regain composure. seldom do this. anyway I was telling mae and going a bit bonkers at white sands all about him. and she knows who I'm talking about!!! and she says that the tvbs people actually call him xiao mei (little beauty)!!!! AHHHH!!!! how apt!!!!!! he's so damn pretty I cannot take it. when did the taiwanese become pretty? I guess after all the crap people came out they needed to save themselves. some of those new taiwanese pop idiots are so damn common/ugly that I cannot believe that they're popular. I'll rather look at nie yun. anyday. ahaha.

speaking of nie yun. finally got his name. sister and I were laughing, because I told her that I know the tvbs e-news host's name. she asked what. I told her nie yun. he can be nie feng's brother. so dumbass right. but oh well.

BACK TO HIM. him as in he jun xiang. his jun should have been jun as in handsome, not soldier. don't know what his mother was thinking. but never mind. here's some MORE eye candy...

WAAAAAAAA....crazy already. need to stop this soon. but must get more pictures. a lot of the pictures are like shots from the love contract or they're just plain ugly or they're WAY too small or ARGH they're just not acceptable. I was considering putting him for may 2005 but I thought I'd better be kind to hyde. it's so unfair. I've even made a gackt layout before. even a daigo one. even though it was ugly, but still...and of course the numerous deg ones. especially the totchi ones, yeah? but ahhh.....

enough! no more pictures! back to normal things. okay actually I'm supposed to sleep earlier so that I can wake up and do complex numbers. doesn't sound like what I'd usually do but wth. I don't have that much of a choice, do I? and better clear fast or poor grandpa can't go sleep.

so what's my point? last night I was trying to do econs. emphasize, trying. then I was thinking of going online last night. I had a little time. but I thought, instead of going on last night, go do something that's not always part of the schedule.

after going one round of explaining, basically I called avril. again. ahaha. miss talking to her a lot. well it was nice to hear her voice again. she wants to go out for supper after opening ceremony. I was like uh haha. like not my culture again but WHO CARES.

speaking of which, clarence shared some stuff today. not bad today. auntie deborah covered some of this during the st john island retreat, so I'll go through it again.

well honestly my best one has to be spending time. I do it ALL THE TIME. duh. okay don't be lame. I like spending time with people I like. we don't have to do much you know. just spend time. eat a bit. talk a little. laugh some. walk in silence I DON'T CARE. spend time. yeah.

of course the best sign of my lurve for ya is when I begin to do stupid things. okay they're considered 'stupid' because they are of absolute 'loss' in that sense to me. well by right. I work by left.

I think if I were a guy I'd be a sweet a boyfriend. heh. but I'm a girl. so it goes the other way huh. stupid things I do. they're all over this blog. dig the archives. well one is calling instead of doing econs. ahaha. taking the 359 one round when 359 really doesn't go anywhere near home. running to school with sloman just to pass it to someone. and the list just goes on. yeah yeah it's beginning to sound familiar, no? well if you want the next entry I shall pull out ALL the recorded stupid things I've done and we'll check out the similarity. note similaritY. not tIES. heh. so freaking obvious.

I meant to unleash the girlishness in me today. yeah in today's entry. I wanted to scream over he jun xiang again and laugh about hyde and how I've gone bonkers over him all over again. and I meant to scream my shopping list since my angpow money is in. but nooooo you have to bring out the bitch in me today.

1. I am tired of writing vague entries. anyone who has been faithfully reading this blog will know. I've written vague entries for 1 year. and I couldn't bear it. so the names came out.

2. I know the names would offend. which is precisely why I don't give my blog address to anybody. in fact almeida renamed the link on her blog to naomi, so as to avoid high traffic, or unwanted traffic on this site. apparently failed.

3. I don't really care what you think of my entries. maybe you'll hate me after this. I don't really care. or maybe I do. but as of this moment, no I don't give 2 shits.

4. I really don't know who reads this damn thing anymore. but I just want to say, if anyone wishes to say anything personal to me, either call me, talk to me in school or email me. there are ways to contact me. don't put vague entries on your blogs. I don't like it, because I think that you might be referring to me, which you might not, and I don't like misunderstandings. so if you want to tell me something, tell me straight. I won't slap you. well I will try.

5. maybe I'm thinking too much. perhaps all this hoo haa is for nothing. but all I can say here is, no I am not sorry or feeling bad about anything I put up. in fact I didn't know there were responses until like today. great. no I'm not feeling bad about being explicit. I'm not removing that entry and I am not going to be nice. no I am NOT going to say sorry. whatever for?

6. yes I DO KNOW that saying names and making events so bloody explicit is going to make somebody pissed. it's going to affect the person mentioned, going to affect their best friends. and yes I AM entitled to my opinion and I don't have to impose my opinions on others. but hey look here. all I did was type dammit. type. I didn't insist you agree with everything I say. no I didn't. you don't like what I say, you tell me. I will accept it. it's just that I like to be able to say what I feel.

7. keep it in my secret diary. great. you didn't have to click on this link. yes I considered locking this blog before, but I thought since I've decided to make this place public okay just write. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. so NO I'm not keeping it secret. because I DO have a secret diary. stuff on my blog are not secrets. these are thoughts that I want to write.

8. and pray tell, what IS wrong with writing it all out explicitly? isn't it better than keeping our masks up and pretending that nothing happened? yeah it's true I don't have the guts to tell people straight in the face hey you suck and I can't stand you. no I don't. and no I don't think it's underhand or disgusting to type it out here where I think no one knows. hello, I made the blog public! but anyway if people come along and read and find their names in it, yes I can tell you right HERE that those ARE my true feelings toward whoever you are. so take it that I've told you. that's what I think of you. okay? not that hard, right?

9. I don't know if wanting wrote her entry to address my entry. maybe it wasn't. maybe it was. if it was, tell me. I would like to know. thanks.

10. and actually, khairiah, if you want to link me, I think go ahead. I think I've gone past the point of trying to hide this stupid place. I still won't publicise this site, but if you want to link me, tell me and you can go ahead, unless I tell you otherwise.

11. and kurseth, I still love you okay? serious. yeah I know you talk a lot like that, about shop and guys and blah. let's face it. so do I. and who the heck doesn't like pretty pretty things? I have such stuffs too. yeah I remain anti-pink but that doesn't mean that I hate you. yeah I know I make hell fun out of you and you're quite poor thing since I'm always victimising you. but listen, I don't make fun of people and I'm not lame and cranky with people I don't like. get my point?

gah. spoil my mood. so tired. no actually I am not tired. it's just that I have this feeling of lerthargy in me. this stupid thing is reminding me of the thing about yenn weii's blog the other time. yeah some people who read this will know what I'm talking about. I don't have to talk about the yenn weii thing.

let's put it this way. at least I didn't have f words. *wink* yeah SOME people would know what I mean too. heh.

okay enough with all the certain people would know thing. but I know many feel the same. the old days were better. just somehow they were. we never realised that they were. until now. okay I shouldn't generalise everyone right? so I shall talk about myself.

yes I miss the old days. I miss my old friends. I miss the old life. I miss the times when there were people who were really there for me. I miss the people are still there for me. I miss a lot of people and a lot of times. I have loads of memories. so many.

actually I meant to type something on the seventh. but I obviously didn't. but now I'm typing. and I don't really know what to type about.

really leh. like nothing. I'm like just typing for the sake of typing. I felt like typing some responses to people. and some of my responses to people's entries. but I thought I should bitch a little less.

oh gosh norvin just came online, then his name started blinking at the bottom of my screen. then he asked me what's with jeremy chan's nick. I checked it and I couldn't stop laughing. it says

like oOoOoOh. ahahhaha. sounds super funny. I think he's just tired of jk and has decided to stick to norvin. so norv can expect a special gift on monday.

that's so mean. anyway I decided not to be such a bitch today right? so I shall just talk nonsense.

well, first things first. sister borrowed the full set, all 45 discs of 12 kingdoms!! now it's making LOTS and LOTS of sense! and ahhhhh my rakushun is SUPER CUTE!!

okay stop the fangirlishness. but it's not bad an anime at all. and it does make sense what. and keiki is uber cool. I shall pick up this terrible american slang. uber. instead of the age old singaporean super and chao, I shall use uber. more class. ahaha. like real.

anyway, keiki is really cool. in fact all the kirins are. the keiki lookalike too. and the little boy! so cute too. but rakushun is the cutest! in fact when he turns into a guy he's seriously not bad too.

oh like WHY am I turning fangirlish on cartoon characters now? but I always have, no?

enough about 12 kingdoms. just went to dig out this old old website. was watching some laruku stuffs in the afternoon you see, then I noticed the credits was credited to this girl whose website didn't really work very well a long time ago. in fact it was a really long long time ago. so I decided to check it out, and hey hey it's actually still alive. but she's thinking of closing it down, which will be uber sad because she's got loads of laruku stuffs which are either rare, or difficult to find. and not to mention that she has mtv asia, which means that all the laruku clips and interviews I caught on mtv asia are all there!!! waaaa!!!

not that I'm that interested. downloaded this half and hour show starring just hyde and ken hosting, singing, and playing games! and it is UBER FUNNY! oh my goodness I haven't witnessed so much crap in my whole life. in fact all I did was to watch about 5 minutes or so of it and sister and I couldn't stop laughing. but you see because sister needed to go bathe we decided to watch it later.

in fact, sister is bathing VERY fast. so I'd better stop this rattling now. and did I mention above that I had nothing to say??!!

actually I wanted to talk about he jun xiang. yeah the fujiki naohito lookalike. now he doesn't look like straight man anymore. but DAMN he looks good!!! AHHHHH!!!! watched e-news on tvbs the other day and AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

nothing to say really. perhaps later I may have things to say but sister has already booked the computer for the night so I'd better say anything that's pressing against my heart NOW otherwise I will have to wait another day or two.

but there's nothing pressing against my heart. heh heh. SERIOUSLY. it's just that my tongue is ALL tied up from trying to follow onitsuka chihiro sing. she sings lyrics fast man. way too fast. in fact I think I shan't do MASK after all. perhaps I should just do way out. heh heh. nono I should do both right...ahahaha. but I think mask is harder. ah whatever. let's go fight with flash now, alright? yeah I mean FIGHT. you know why? because in BH they use flash MX, which is something like flash 6 or 7, but I'm using flash FIVE. ARGH. but never mind. I managed to find out where every single stupid thing is. oh yeah. I'm going to win the battle against macromedia flash. I AM.

now I blog. heh. yeah it's 3 plus in the afternoon, and I'm listening to crazy tetsu singing no no wailing his shinkirou. tetsu's best song. seriously.

now REALLY back to agenda. first off, him. no mae I am NOT devastated or anything that he's attached, okay? chilled. I don't have any problems with that. go ahead. just that the part about him getting attached in 10 days gets on my nerves. okay I have this THING about people who get attached in a jiffy. it's not very believable and doesn't sound very good. I mean, 10 months maybe, or even 10 weeks sounds better. 10 days. well better than the oh so famous tkgian and the ngee ann boy who got together after 5 days of orientation. or diyana's friend who knew the damn guy ONLINE for 3 freaking days and got together. man you people heard of fairytales??

enough about him. I have better things to talk about. next on agenda. crystal. okay it's not really ABOUT crys, but it's more like stuff she brought up. well it started on dear wednesday morning, after assembly we were dismissed from morning assembly. then jolyn went off presumably to the toilet with meida, then I was walking with wk, fiona and crys. then wk and fiona went to toilet, so crys and I waited outside. then crys suddenly asked me very quietly...

YEAH OH WELL. not that I have loads of things against jolyn, I mean she's quite okay really (and I REALLY wonder why clara sticks to fiona. there must be this other horrible side to clara.), but it's just that the entire class cliques and stuff like that are all messed up. it's not anybody's fault that those two broke up (although it still makes me wonder till today how on EARTH did it even happen), but the class is quite messy. it's settling down now, and actually quite settled already, but still it's very very weird. I just get this feeling that the pairs aren't exactly stable and that suddenly one side will go with another side and leave the 2 other halves stuck, abandoned like idiots. argh. not my business? much of it's mine.

but anyway thanks crys for letting me know that there's someone else in class who notices things for nuts' sake. I think crys herself also feels a little weird because there's no more joyce. I mean all of us (esp. girls) can get along, in that sense we don't stare each other off and stab each other's back. we can happily sit down and talk, eat, do work blah. but I tell you it's so FREAKING dysfunctional and fake that I cannot bear it. it's just not real. and it sucks. I don't know. I can't bear it. argh.

I keep going argh today. so annoyed. okay I'm moaning about muscle aches and very sleepy really and was stoning a lot just now, so really weird mood. I'm not upset or unhappy or stone. but I'm not exactly happy or elated or anything like that. I'm just feeling okay. not extreme.

right. after one small paragraph on my stupid mood, let's get on to another issue of my stupid classmates. yeah I AM STILL AT IT. I think I've complained about my class since don't know when. but it's taken me like about a year to really discover all the problems. or at least their worst problem. and you know what? it's so annoying. I'm so bloody annoyed with the whole lot of them. well okay not all of them. some of them ARE nice. seriously. but there are just this small bunch, really minority but ARGH cannot stand it. no they do not make my life hell. no. they don't like torture me or pull pranks on me. no not in that way. they're childish but not like that.

right. norvin. let's start with what happened that day. this was yesterday, thursday. we had paper 8 tutorial after recess, then rehana gave us some stuff to read and do together as group work. and obviously my group is meida jolyn norv and me. then at the end of the period, the bell rang and rehana said bye to us and walked out. then norv looked at me and said hey she like very poor thing hor. I said why leh. then he said our class always bullying teachers, they very bad leh. I was like ROLL EYES yeah what's new. they attitude problem what. everything their own fault they blame the teacher. norv was like yeah loh, then soon enough all the teachers will hate our class loh.

honestly I was thinking ah hate the class? go ahead. I'll just do my work and that's that. I'm tired of all of them. you know somehow nothing is their fault. they don't seem to understand why on earth they don't know certain things are happening, why they didn't know how to do stuff, and everything is the stupid teacher's fault. that she's not forgiving enough, that she doesn't care, that she cannot tolerate, that she cannot teach, that she's too fast, she's too annoying.

she's not unforgiving -- it's just that teachers are tired too. there's a reason for homework. I know slackers all over the world will stab me for this, but hey I'm a slacker too. but I know why on earth we have homework. imagine a term without homework. and then at the end I give you a test. trust me you will FAIL. unless you're either a genius or your memory's fantastic. seriously if you have a term of completely no practice or homework, but more of lecture lecture and clarifications, then you're not going to get anywhere. and for a subject like math, you'd better do work. YES I KNOW WE ALL HATE MATH, so do I, but it's precisely because we hate math, we should do it more. then we'll get better at it and then we won't hate it so much anymore. yeah damn it is hard. I'm trying to do that for my econs too. I need to pass it dammit. yeah I know it still isn't passing but at least my workbook is getting things right. my tys has correct answers. at least. and then meida asks me to stay back with her then we do math together. we're trying, can?

yes I know mr ng was particularly nice. he really really gave his time and sat down with us to supervise our revision and math assignments and blah. but didn't they notice? didn't they realise? that their talking noise was driving him up the wall? you think mrs low heard that it's difficult to collect assignments from our class from the sky or what? it's obviously from mr ng. and especially since she was his mentor, naturally he has no problems telling her. I mean teachers, would tell each other oh this class this and this class that.

clarence the smartest. don't give homework. tell us stories. that's why he doesn't have anything against our class. or at least I think so. so long as he doesn't give any assignments, he'll just get the usual shit from all the classes. all the other classes also moan about doing compres and compos. but no assignments, homework, it's not so bad. and because he tells us loads of stories then we're pretty interested and shut up. and because we're so damn vocal we contribute and ask questions. and now it is through THIS year, this vocal expression time, that you realise that sometimes you seriously wonder what the HECK goes through some people's minds. argh. don't really want to talk about it. I'm not trying to sound condescending here. I'm not saying that I'm really smart and know everything. but there are some things that you accept, and some things that you don't think about. there are some things that are so freaking DUHHHHH that you don't have to ask. you don't even consider that a question in the first place.

sometimes I don't know whether to say sigh or argh. both. siar. ghgh. oh I know. siarghgh. good huh? so lame.

ANYWAY...glad that there's norvin to moan with me. meida too. but we didn't really point the problem I think. we were just bitching about some people. oh and today. class screaming something about ms loh being too fast. michelle asked us on our opinions of the lecture, considering that ms loh is new and it's her first lecture, I thought it was okay. yes true her slides went faster than mdm's, and she's more nervous than mdm resulting in faster speech, but okay. they were like complaining so much, then norv turned to me and said

both of us were going to laugh. I don't know about today, what went on in lecture because I was actually listening to her really, yeah I was. stop laughing. but I do know for fact, that sometimes they don't catch certain things that the teacher says because they were talking. and I really mean yakking and yakking. it's amazing you know, how marli and fiona talk like nuts. they talk as if they ate steroids for their mouths and then they didn't meet for the last 10 years and must keep talking. and the worst part?

they're always talking about hair, clips, shoes, clothes, some bitch, some asshole, some AH don't want to know what.

don't they have ANYTHING, ANYTHING ELSE TO TALK ABOUT????!!!! apparently not. obviously, right? it's always oh you know the other day I went don't know where and did don't know what then there was this stupid don't know who who did don't know what to me. great. or it's aiyah cut my hair already so ugly. or it's aiyah should have bought that whatever it is. or it's you know you know that day I was don't know where again, and I saw that oh so handsome don't know who.

I'm bloody tired. so bloody tired. what am I doing with this bunch?! so tired. and actually I'm tired of typing. I'm tired from blogging so much today. I think I'll just like end here. I'll carry on tomorrow or something. I've kinda settled most of whatever I wanted to say anyway, and slightly more. so tomorrow I should start on my homework. maybe I ought to do my 1984 blog entry. yeah I know the stupid slides are entirely up yet but still can blab. time to add something substantial to the blog.

THE 'problem of evil' in relation to the tsunami disaster is a complex matter and, in my opinion, a false problem.

I take issue with the claim by Mr Edmond Eh ('Why God 'allowed' deadly tsunami to strike'; ST, Jan 29) that, 'actually, the simple reason why God allows evil is that if He did not, then a lot of good would be lost'.

This is a platitude which obeys its own internal logic, but does nothing to explain the presence of suffering, and certainly does not help those who are suffering feel comforted. Imagine telling a tsunami survivor that he lost his entire family just so that relief workers can come and help him, to do some 'good'.

Also, it might have been better for Mr Eh's argument if he had cited a more updated and precise analogy than the one from Boethius. The fact that an ass is killed by the lion, because the latter wants to preserve its own life, does not answer the question about evil - Boethius had merely shown that the laws of nature can sometimes seem cruel. We cannot therefore say that the lion was truly evil.

Suffering and pain should not be equated with evil. If 'evil' is to retain any useful meaning, it should include the concept of intent - an act is evil if it was intended to bring about pain and suffering. Can we then say that the tsunami was intended? By whom, or what?

The crux of the debate is the attempt of the mind to comprehend the scale and magnitude of such immense suffering and pain. It is legitimate - indeed, human - to ask: 'Why must so many people die?'. I do not know if there is a satisfactory answer. But the least we can do is not to rationalise away the presence of pain and suffering under the guise of the 'problem of evil'.

I couldn't help putting that down. that's from today's papers. forum page. I haven't picked up the darned newspapers, not even life section, for the past 2 weeks, but just now I disconnected and decided to get the papers. and I meant to read only life, actually. but there was this headline from the main paper which caught my eye so I took the entire stack. therefore I ended up reading home, and of course the forum page. I was about to flip past the page when..

gosh that name REALLY caught my eye. it is him right...can hear his voice talking it through. and not that his name is particularly common...

I want to blog. but I foresee that I will have absolutely NO TIME to blog. so what I will do NOW is to actually simply set the agenda so that I remember whatever I meant to type.

hey I think that's about all the major issues I have for now. let's see how it goes on saturday. have matthew trail tomorrow, so don't think can blog. or actually perhaps I can...

ahha. the first of february. finally here. and this layout can finally take shape. finality has this sort of shape...heh heh no that's from raison d'etre. and you know I can't decide whether I should put infection as the song on this site or walking proud. my current madness is infection, but then again walking proud IS a nice song too. oh by the way, people reading this please tell me if it's hard to read. if it is a little strenous then I shall darken the background. because I don't think you can see much with black...maybe should try.

okay. tried a lot of colours. white seems to be the best. even though it gets a little taxing on me (due to the stupid technology, I end up typing white on a greyish background, which results in a rather bright looking thing).

layout aside. you know after tuition I seemed to instinctively walk toward the other bus stop. then I thought to myself, is it that I really don't miss her anymore, or is somebody filling up the gap? and then I thought once more: is it me who caused this hole? that I must get something or somebody to fill it up? did I make that hole myself?

talk about GP essay. heh. now THAT was freaking relevant. so tired today. or am I really tired? ARGH I hate this sort of question.

you know something? I'm beginning to get along better with jolyn. somehow. and I'm getting more pissed with fiona. lala. and I barely know why. but then again, I'm just sticking to those few people and that's it. hurrmph.

and guess what? I've run out of things to say. or no no no not yet. I borrowed franz kafka's the trial!! and because the castle looked SOOOOO nice too, I borrowed that as well!! well at least they look better than captain underpants. ahahhahahaha. joke of the century man. captain underpants. like who on EARTH would write such books? but it looked pretty cute on the inside. ahaha. really. so funny. meida and I laughed like mad nuts I tell you. the moment the search result from the library catalogue came out, we simply couldn't contain ourselves. in fact we were laughing all the way to the canteen. and the worst part? norvin read it in the school library before! but it was so kiddish that he dared not take it out of its shelf and read it at a table. ahahahha. but anyway it was entertaining.

oh YEAH should talk about sunday night. yeah it's so outdated. but I didn't have time yesterday so must do today.

ah actually there isn't much to talk about. the thing is, we had incredible premonitions that we would meet people we know, but strangely enough, on a glorious sunday night, suntec area was so freaking empty! I couldn't believe it. eewei was like er is it me or is it seriously empty? I was like yeah it's EMPTY. there's like practically nobody. it looked more like a monday night than a sunday night. I mean I usually eat with her in that area on sunday nights, and we can barely move man. on sunday we had a lovely walk, and suntec seemed cold for a moment because of the lack of people.

went to ichiban boshi AGAIN and both of us had the exact same thing the last time we went there and we had a good laugh. I think if we laughed any louder the restaurant might have come down. and we walked and walked and tried on stupid glasses. really want to get a kyo pair... moan....

tomorrow is finally the flash course! so exciting!! the problem is, it's at bible house. like great. that's all the way to city hall. I was thinking that EH was okay, but it's at bible house...I should have known, really, but oh well. yeah the distance there by mrt is about the same from school, considering EH is at aljuned and bible house is at city hall. so about 4-5 stops difference. must ask mae how long it takes. sigh.

you know what? I think I'll put infection. so you people must WAIT and let it load, okay?? it's a VERY VERY nice song. if you're interested I will put the lyrics here. but it's so sad...it may turn your insides. okay that sounded wrong. well it may very well wrench your heart.

oh yeah. finished reading the episode of count cain which is entitled kafka. it's based on kafka's metamorphosis (which I didn't borrow, since wlt's story about the housefly guy seemed to stem from there), and oh well...very deep. very deep. but that episode is actually the first time cain meets jezebel, and uncovers his identity. or rather, jezebel reveals himself anyway.

since almeida says no homework (she'd better be right), well in my memory not any really, since I completed complex I assignment in school, shall go continue reading my kafka book. it sounds a little stupid, the plot that is, but I'm barely 1/8 through, so better not say anything. okay shall load this...then go read!!