avril 27th
I suddenly realised something. april has been such a long month. there's so much that's recorded for this damn month. so much. the scrollbar is like freaking small in size...
well, today. today had no el. and no I didn't go home. it's wednesday, my favourite day of the week! it still remains my favourite day of the week despite no avril to eat lunch and bitch with me. no she doesn't bitch with me. she complains to me. ahaha. yeah she's quite a moan. then again, I'm such a moan and groan that I add up to a complete wail of a time. heh.
so what did I do? I did something nuts again. well it wouldn't be the first time. I went with maril to the doctors'. the child has anaemia. like great. and gwen came along! and suddenly I realised that I've seen SOOO much of maril (well it's been more than a year you know) that I wouldn't get maril and gwen mixed up for nuts anymore. I guess it helps. when you're close to one, the other one naturally looks different. well if I could figure triplets, I don't see why I can't get twins. hurrmph.
the only problem is that the two kids sound alike. then again, so does sister and I. so what's the big deal?? well both of them are anaemic! oh no. and it reminded me of dibz. she happily didn't have to do GOH because she couldn't be out in the sun too long. hers was just iron deficiency. I insist. ahahahaha.
after going to the doctor's (which was HORRIBLE because there a whole bunch of tj people who were there for vaccinations before going to sri lanka), went home with the two of them. wahaha quite fun. slack like mad. and talk talk talk. and I am so going to steal gwen's next layout. I am going to conquer the stupid stupid iFrame. I insist! I AM GOING TO. I will master the art of it. mauahahahahha.
provided it doesn't use css...
otherwise I'm dead. and I just found another reason as to why I insisted on moving my stupid blog to geocities. other than having to fight with blogger (yeah it does NOT support frames), having it time out on my long long entries (which go to waste really) and all that crap, I couldn't keep my archives properly. all I did was to press the damn wrong button and my layouts would blow away. so I changed to a proper server where I can name my OWN archive files, and then I can upload them anywhere I want and nothing is lost. muahahaha.
and I found the problem. why I couldn't get to my own old old entries at their house. because the file extension was .htm and not .html!! so stupid!!! can't believe it. I actually forgot that last time I didn't set the stupid dreamweaver properly and thus all websites were saved as .htms. stupid stupid stupid.
oh and maril and I share the same ec 2! ahahahaha. but I still think mrt guy is not wonderful. sorry mae. and I'm itching to do a new layout!!! argh gwen you must inspire me right...ahahahahaha.
anyway, must sleep earlier because it's THURSDAY tomorrow and the lousy bus comes friggin' LATE on thursday mornings. ARGH. lousy sbs. and there's PE...oh how sad...
oh yeah, premonitions struck again. 229 passing by tj. I looked out. I had a feeling I'd see someone I knew. and...
duh. I did. I waved. how nice of me, right? I waved to xuena. and she was so freaking happy. I feel I made her day. yeah right. SLEEP YOU IDIOT!
oh and I redid the layout for june slightly. looked at it through the twins' comp. gosh it's so horrid. preview it once again here.
I couldn't tell you why she felt that way @ 2253
avril 26th
nearly done with my second decadent book. what on earth is taking me so long, right? it's just this damn book with like 300 plus pages. and guess what. one freaking page is MISSING. it's not that someone ripped it. it's a printing error. I turn the page over to find it blank. yeah. stupid. and it was pretty important. which was why I got a little lost after that. things didn't exactly make sense at first.
but after that was so sad. lolita had run away, for two years plus, away from humbert humbert and married some bloke and now heavily pregnant. awwww...poor edgar. but I guess it isn't that sad after all when you remember the idiot's a paedophile. gah. decadent book. crystal asked to look at it, because I was reading in class. I showed her the cover, and she said she thinks she's seen it before. and I was like don't read it. decadent thing. no good. and she laughed. ah well.
there's no el tomorrow. I don't mind, but there's nothing to do!! AHH!! feeling the sense of loss. ahaha. well, mae has other engagements (gah she's meeting her friends), I think maril would be tired (sigh..) and the year 1s have stupid civil servant talk! argh! wednesday's my day off...and I did so much homework last night so that I might cover the next few days, considering that wednesdays I come home so freaking late, and thursdays I have econs tuition. damn.
anyway....I found ec 2! ahahaha. I think his class is behind yifang's. or no no further up. yifang's class quite far front. ah whatever. found him. but he's BEHIND me again...freaks. never mind.
and it was freaky today. jolyn and I didn't fancy the malay stall food so we walked over to queue up for chicken rice. and then I spotted this guy at the next stall who had hair like ec 2's, and then I was thinking hmmmm maybe he's in this queue too.
and he really was!
shortly after I thought all that, he and his friends were just done buying their chicken rice and took the plates and utensils and walked off. and I was like ooooooh that was fReaKy.....and then and then the lit tutorial was so freaky too. I just finished darling book about decadence, aka a clockwork orange, and then thinking oooh how it applies to paper 4, but a pity it isn't part of the reading list, so I can't really refer to it (I think). but I thought oh what a good book for paper 4! especially since some of the paper 4 texts are so freaking boring. and then the next day, wlt went through the tutorial, and then that j ko pointed out that in the stack of paper called tutorial which I obviously did not read, there was the text title, gleaming there...
a clockwork orange, brave new world, 1984...
oh MY! and he was asking oh what's a clockwork orange? and I was like gaha I know! but then again wlt knows too! yay! but SO FREAKY. I think about it and then suddenly it appears in the exact context I thought it in. brrrr......
so this time I decided to read a little, sift through the tutorial, downloaded the lecture slides ahead of time, so that I don't shock myself. now I fear deja vu. ah shucks. I have this premonition thing. and it freaks the hell out of me. I must never get heart disease. I can't take it. I'll end up killing myself with the amount of shock I get out of the numerous premonitions and instincts and imageries that ring true. brrrrr....very cold. very very cold.
yeah right. it's so freaking hot. argh. it's been too hot these days. I'm going to start burning. I'll start self combustion. soon. luckily my period's over. so my temperature doesn't start soaring.
oh super sad. they all die. and they all die ever so suddenly. and yes I agree, his language is freaking beautiful. nobody would blame humbert humbert...
I couldn't tell you why she felt that way @ 2251
avril 24th
decided to scribble a little. just a little. I'm pretty tired. and it's very hot. finally got a present for huifang. I don't even know if it's a good idea. it's like giving her a present is such a chore you know. I don't really think it's such a great idea. and grace and I were wondering about the retreat. ah well. so many issues. I wonder whether xinying said anything. and I have yet to ask sister about her response. I don't even know how much sister told her. oh well. never mind. well not really never mind. gah whatever.
finally completed the lit essay. a bit crap, but much better than the first shit thing I sent. that one had totally no effort. I know she doesn't mind reading crap, but if that crap is pure crap because I didn't put in any effort, then it's not worth wasting her time. so I told her to delete the damn mail. although if I were her I would open it anyway. so horrible, right.
oh and even though I was telling ulu not to just look at what she wants and try to concentrate and looking for something for hf, actually I wasn't much better. heh. saw this top at 37 degrees. quite nice. ahaha. suddenly thought of vicky. vickeeee buy for meeee....poor child.
well honestly she doesn't really have to buy anything for me at all. I don't really expect it. but gah as usual she just wants to give (so I'll grant her!), so up to her lah.
anyway thanks ky (gosh I didn't expect that you're still reading this shit) for the concern and mail. it's nice to know someone cares. *wink*
and I have flatly decided that july 2005 will be mana, and august 2005 will be shinya. lolita shinya. shucks I haven't finished that book. due on may 3rd. gah.
I couldn't tell you why she felt that way @ 2242
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You are Mitsu to Tsuba!
Everyone's so perfect looking...mmm....
What Dir en grey PV Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
woot! beautiful...
Your Murder is Kaoru! And he wanted to do it.
The Dir en Grey Murder Case Quiz
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nooooooo not kao....it was supposed to be dieeeeeee.....
Dir en grey might like you but not admit it..
What Dir en grey thinks of you .....
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hiak hiak. like me say so lah....
you are the song: hotarubi
what dir en grey song are you?
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scream!!!!!!!!! I LOVE THIS SONG!!!!!!!!!
You broke into Die's House! Now it's going to be a
night of giggling and boozing. And in the
morning, both of you are going to be very, very
confused.
The Dir en Grey Theft Quiz!
brought to you by Quizilla
oh WONDERFUL. aahahahhahahahahahah.
Yeah! You know them all! You are great. Make a
quiz, too ^_^!!
Dir en grey - Lyrictest
brought to you by Quizilla
erm...I guessed some...hehehe...
sorry about the randomness. I suddenly felt like taking quizzes. and diru ones at that. some nice pictures came out of the results....hehheh...
I couldn't tell you why she felt that way @ 2333
avril 22nd
okay it's the oh so lovely weekend once more and I have decided that I shouldn't enjoy it too much. not going anywhere tomorrow, so I'd better do stuffs.
and my intuition proves right. the word lolita does come from that book itself. I was thinking if it has such bad connotations why on EARTH do people name their daughters lolita, or at least variants of it, which include lola, lotte, and a few more in the book. so I guess it's his fault. it's a nice name really, but ah well. it's just like why you wouldn't name your girl jezebel for nuts.
and I am going to scream. my first decadent book was a mix of english and russian all garbled and jumbled like nuts, then now my second decadent book is full of french! argh! but french is not so bad. russian is HUH??! so thank my lucky stars. and I guess french better than the other european languages (besides italian) so...well and good. not that bad really.
and I have decided on the mana picture after all. and I cannot find any other picture that uses similar makeup. his eye makeup it usually very very heavy, and the use of false eyelashes (or at least I sincerely believe it's fake) is like a big overdose. but this particular image of him has minimal (to say the least) eye makeup and man does it look good.
gah me and pretty boys.
feel like doing the mana layout picture now but I don't know what words to put on it. what did you say? don't put words? then put what???!! sorry for the little scream. in fact I'm sleepy again. oh that wasn't linked. heh. I just yawned, you see. and I took a 1.5hour nap this afternoon. supposed to be 1 hour only. but as usual it stretched. at least it was only 1.5 hours...usually my 'naps' go up to 3-4 hours. minimum 2 hours. I don't what sort of nap you call that. mother says naps are 40 winks. that's not a nap. I haven't even fallen asleep yet. unless I'm that tired.
speaking of tired. my legs hurt. now I know what jolyn meant last week, when I gleefully told people I didn't run. so this week I ran and this is what happens to me. ah so fun right? you know sometimes I think to myself I'm not going to pass napfa this time round, not so lucky like last year, you know? but then I think again, I'd better pass it...it'll be the last year I'll ever take napfa, so get it DONE AND OVER WITH and I'll never have to bother about it anymore. but sigh..getting fat and heavy and it's becoming difficult to run and jump and reach and what have you.
I'm such a lazy bum. vicky would be WOW you actually realised. yeah of course I know that. argh. need to learn to do work. and do work on time. I'm like damn poor at that. but at least I sorta did the assignment myself today. although with much reference to the stack in front of me, the four of us tried...and at least even though we referred much to that stack, we knew what we were doing. yeah I dumped my ass in the council room with kur mar and crys. heh. and while we were furiously doing math in the council room, next door naresh looked freaking bored in the counsel room. counsel room next to council room. so fun ah?
okay that was crappy. but then again, I need my dose of crappiness now and then. I've reduced my dosage like SO MUCH. it used to be a daily dosage thing. you know sometimes I'd think about what eewei once said, she said that I'd changed and then I stared at her and insisted that I hadn't but honestly I have. perhaps it's for the better. perhaps for the worse.
well for one I've become less mean (I think my jc peeps are like oh my you could be meaner??? and the tkgians huh you can become less mean??), and I've actually become less miserly (which the tkgians will have another uproar). although sometimes I feel that I've become a tad too nice (which will cause an outcry from mj people, knowing I'm mean), hey I'm not abusive no more...(another burst of laughter from the tkgians. so sure)
but I miss something. something that tkg had and mj doesn't. the music. back then there was all the band and string ensemble and choir (fighting like hell over piano space and music rooms) everywhere, the pianos tinkled like every time there was a break, there was mep, there were people who sang in class, like duh, and somehow mj has like zero of it.
I was telling vicky of some people's fascination for the band through the fact that learning music is so high class seeming and she was like shock. but then we thought through again and we were like yeah...actually...yeah....
I don't know. I came from a primary school which had a reputation that said all girls from the school could sing, and music classes were our favourite. oh yeah I joined instrumental ensemble and we loved the keyboard so much. although there were friends who hated learning the piano because they were forced into it, it wasn't the same.
and then secondary school took on a whole new dimension altogether. suddenly I had to study the damn subject, and there were like super child prodigies, like zhiying and the like. their grade numbers were like astronomical and we just loved making saadnah perform for us. well her violin was way more portable than our pianos, yeah? and then second instrument started and man was it fun. yeah I didn't fancy having to play my trombone (and no I don't treat it like my husband. more like scrap metal), but oh well. it was quite fun playing some less demanding pieces. but stress ah, which is why I'm so glad I was in bass so I didn't have solos and such. super stress.
and then I'm here now. with all the pop culture I never knew before. you know suddenly I felt like saadnah, the girl who didn't have a pop life beyond vanessa mae and knew only classics? well of course I wasn't that extreme, but somehow I never bothered about all this stuff. in primary school no one cared for the radio, in secondary school the bunch I hung out with were like the chinese pop bunch and the jap pop/rock bunch and we just listened to the english hits on radio and sang stupid things like spongebob squarepants (biying and I were like so bored) and now suddenly there's this super influx of new chinese pop (which I barely know and barely anyone knows), and the high flux of english pop/rock I NEVER knew existed, the underground bands, MTV (international. I have ASIA) and all of a sudden I'm like huh? well maybe you'd call me lousy. perhaps you'd call me backdated. but I don't know. for a while I thought hey let's try blending in.
but it was so silly. I don't know why I even bothered.
and now I'm back to square one. I'm listening to a chinese song that's dated back to the mid 90's (crystal's cry of ugh cheena rings), I finished watching the hong kong drama on channel 8 (hey it has meida's favourite actor), I only downloaded almost here by brian mcfadden and delta goodram because my daddy wanted it, I don't watch mtv really, I continue my mad hat race keeping up with dir en grey and the rest of jrock, looking for mana pictures, kagrra pictures and such. I still refuse to step into the usual shops (OP, roxy, billabong, ripcurl) and continue rummaging through the jrock images in misc-sxclusive (the dear shop on heeren level 5 annexe). I remain anti pink (no I don't tell you it's quite nice anymore unless I don't like you) and oh well, just about the same.
the only thing that's really different is that I'm so much quieter now. yeah there are people who wouldn't believe it for their lives are worth but it's true. vicks agrees too. we're both quieter. I wouldn't say we're quiet (no that wouldn't happen), but somehow just more silent, less outspoken and more reserved in comments and laughter. and for me, abuse. turn for the better? perhaps, after all.
okay now I sound sadistic. like oh wow making hell lotsa noise and whacking the bits outta people is so much more fun. no I didn't mean it that way. it's just that through all the loud laughter, spontaneous jokes and mean comments and bad jokes and worst case scenarios and whacking of each other and out-screaming each other was just something that came naturally, I mean, we didn't actually have to think of our reaction and all it's consequences before reacting.
I guess most people react 'correctly' (as in socially acceptable) like naturally, but somehow or another I need to think a lot. which is why sometimes I just don't react. I remain the same -- I don't say thanks or sorry. unless I really mean it. or it's something really really big. and no I don't say hi to you. unless I need to. I'm such a horrible kid right. I maintain some 'friendships' for very commercial like reasons. or at least very selfish reasons. and that sucks, doesn't it. especially when I know some of my 'friends' are still my 'friends' for very superficial and very...how to put it. they have the relationship and maintain it for exchange purposes. like oh I'll give you this if you can give me this. so we maintain this diplomatic exchange of intangible goods until the point where either we don't want the goods anymore, or we just can't decide on the terms of trade.
oh wonderful we're all economists, aren't we?
feeling very warm.
gah restarted my computer. the whole world's back, so I shan't continue. shall just continue talking to vicky.
I couldn't tell you why she felt that way @ 2321
avril 21st
gah my nose cannot stop bleeding. it bleeds everyday. meant to drink vitamin c everyday in hope that it would stop. obviously I've forgotten to drink again and again. gah wth.
econs tuition class bigger again. mj dominates. mae meida me kifa willis. power. we are basically the 'f' class. heh. or so I choose to believe.
I'm not supposed to be here. I think that should be part of every post. I'm always saying that. seriously. I'm supposed to go study econs. comparative advantage. but I'm so lazy. as usual. it's just 2 pages really...argh.
anyway, here goes another one. it was actually larc, but since I've fallen out of touch with that arc in the sky, I changed it to diru. smile.
Favorite dir en grey song (6 choices ONLY):
1. C
2. [KR] cube
3. hotarubi
4. machiavellism
5. -kigan-
6. audience KILLER LOOP
Least Favorite diru songs (3 Choices ONLY):
1. taiyo no ao
2. hydra
3. ?
Favorite PV (Top 5 ONLY...)
1. [KR] cube
2. JESSICA
3. 304 goushitsu, hakushi no sakura
4. GARDEN
5. THE FINAL
Favorite TV appearances (top 2 ONLY)
1. ain't afraid to die PopJam
2. ROCK LEGEND program 03!!!!! AHHHH!!!
Favorite live performances / DVD (3 ONLY):
1. rettou gekishin angya FINAL 2003 DIR EN GREY 5 ugly kingdom!!!
2. a type of deity [GAUZE tour]
3. macabre tour BS live
Favorite clips (3 ONLY)
1. die and toshiya interview on kisou!
2. macabre DVD clips
3. XX clips
Favorite diru member
KYO KYO KYO KYO (who else man)
and that's it. I need to help sister burn the stupid disc then sleep. shit never do econs. and math. GAH!!!
I couldn't tell you why she felt that way @ 2352
avril 20th
right. here again when I'm not supposed to. as usual. when I'm very free I refuse to blog. well partly because there's nothing to blog about, anyway. I'm looking for inspirations again. my fingers are itching to do another layout. but actually I think I know why I don't really have so much inspiration to do layouts anymore. it's because I don't have new pictures. the only ones inside the comp are the ones that have been there since since. and...they aren't great inspirations. haiz.
had el today again. that girl makes us do weird things. you know it's fun, yet somehow not fun. perhaps it's the overdose of stuff she makes us do. I don't know how to put it either. I'm enjoying the workshop but not exactly like WOO HOO about it either. ah whatever.
and then after that, went out again. wah like routine you know. wednesday is like day off, going out after el. 3rd time already. and it's the same people. it's like the first time, it was mae me daniel fuad maril aneesha, then it was just the 4 of us, then today it was 4 of us again plus aneesha again. but it's fun. maril come join us too, okay? ahaha.
and I officially have nothing else to say. I think. most likely. and I think I shall do mana for july. pick my favourite princess picture. he is like the most elegant princess I've ever seen. or actually, the only one. the miyavi version was bleagh (the prince version in GL was better), and the rest haven't been princesses. hyde's white/black dresses were more like gypsy thingies, gackt was supposed to be the prince, and totchi is the slut, kaoru the demure, die the gallant, shinya the lolita and kyo the weird. so diru is totally OUT. so my only princess is mana...
regardless of the numbers who hate mana...muahahahahahaha.
strangely enough, people hate 1. kyo 2. mana 3. miyavi. and I love them all. oddballs, these people. ahahahahahaha. I'm so bloody biased.
I wasn't supposed to have anything else to say, right? what happened again?! I must do lit NOW. must. MUST!!!
got to start mugging some day. and that day must come soon. sooner.
oh and my 2nd book of decadence is even more decadent than I thought. just when I thought it'll be just ONE nymphet...
I couldn't tell you why she felt that way @ 2208
avril 19th
when I opened up this window and opened this file, I felt this sense of deja vu. and I don't fancy deja vus very much. had a lot of them in primary school. sends me some creeps. although I wouldn't be surprised as to why I'm feeling it now, considering that the circumstance is merely me blogging with microsoft word behind this window and me obviously not doing what I'm supposed to do. well looky, I'm supposed to do an essay for paper 8, and I'm not exactly in the mood, neither do I have the loveliest poem. honestly I don't really have much for poems. not that I hate them (although I must have given wlt that damn impression), but many don't strike my fancy. unless you can write like kyo. or even sylvia plath. gah sheesh I'm freaking morbid.
anyway, finished my decadent book one. clockwork orange. real horrorshow. heh. trying to pick up some language on that one. and kyo's done another genius with it and all. and I decided that I do not want to watch the show after all. too ultra violent. and it's kinda the same as the book, but thoroughly blown up. or at least significantly blown. quite terrible. and I feel like reading the book again. but I must finish my other decadent book. ah well.
so much for my decadence. I don't really want to rant today. or rather, I'm not supposed to. I'm supposed to be doing my literature. and I meant to finish it today, so that I can send it in slightly earlier and perhaps she can have time to edit it tomorrow morning or something. but I'm really very tired. don't feel like doing it. too much of clockwork orange. I'm so damn sure.
no I'm not unhappy. just stoned. and no I'm not really tired. just sian. well there's el tomorrow.
you know suddenly something went through my head. I haven't talked about avril for a very long time, have I? but why do I want to talk about her? what is there to talk about her? my last msn conversation with her (according to the records) is 11 april, and my last phone call was the 4th, her birthday. and I don't always click her name when she signs in anymore. and I don't have her at the top of my list when I want to call somebody.
maybe she wasn't what I thought she was. ouch. that hurt me. no...but she will still remain my wonderful friend. you know sometimes I wonder if leaving my nickname like this all the way till the same date this year is a wish or a challenge to myself. I don't really know. in fact I am so bloody irrational that sometimes I don't know why I do what I do and why I think what I think and why I don't do what I should. and I am so tired. so bleagh.
no I'm not stressed. no no no. not in that manner. yeah yeah I know all that cal about j2s and stress and shit like that. no not like that. I don't know what's making me unhappy. is it the workload after all? is it the damn people which I apparently chose not to give 2 shits about already? is it the absence of people I used to have with me? is it the books I read, the music I listen to?
what on earth is it? I don't know. and I just told you that I'm not unhappy, right? how to put it. I'm not unhappy, but I'm not happy either. oh great, yeah? then what's in between. stoning? oblivion? I don't know the answer either.
perhaps I should ramble about what I was talking to vicky about after all. but thinking about it makes me sad. makes me feel that all it took was a year or so and it's like that now. or have I been too controlling? that I want everything my way? or have we really been too protected, that the moment liberation comes, the moment all of us lose each other, we lose ourselves?
then again, I really do want to ask someone out there: I know I've lost myself. but what is myself? what was myself? honestly I don't know anymore. I don't know if the myself I've turned out to be now, is the original copy. in fact I believe it isn't. but in any case, I nearly lost this 2nd edition. nah it's not even 2nd. it's some n-th edition already. but an edition is still an edition. it's not totally gone.
a flower blooms, a flower fades, but a flower is still a flower. there is still a wish to change tomorrow... ~sajou no uta, dir en grey
I suddenly understand what it means. what it really means. or at least what it really really means to myself.
went a talking to mae over the phone. inspired me. so I clicked on avril's name when she signed in, and procastinate once more...
that's me, isn't it? procastination, idleness, sluggishness.
I might as well be born a piece of shit. why am I human?
avril IS who I think she is. she is still who I always thought she was. and is. you know why it hasn't changed at all?
because she still makes me happy.
and I'm sorry ms rehana, I can't complete the freaking essay today. let's hope I get it at least half done tomorrow. gah. I'm such a piece of cal.
and I really ought to sleep. and I am NOT bringing my pe attire tomorrow. I don't believe that no one else will join me in uniform. and besides, she said anything you feel comfortable in, aka my uniform. do not add to the weight of my bag. I might kill you.
and I MUST sleep. even though I still talketh with avril. gah I'm pickin' up things from the stupid book. if not for the fact that the other 30 percent that's not in english is in russian I'd pick more up.
I viddy horrorshow. my bed...
I couldn't tell you why she felt that way @ 0010
avril 18th
how do I feel today? I don't rightly know. I'm unhappy again. no I'm not upset or anything drastic or dramatic. and no I don't really feel like talking to anybody now. I don't need that sort of therapy today. otherwise you wouldn't find me here. you would have to try crossing my telephone line.
and I don't really know why I'm unhappy either. sometimes I wonder if I'm deliberately making myself miserable or I really am. then you might ask me why on EARTH would anyone want to make herself unhappy. I don't know the answer either. it's not wonderful to be unhappy. but I guess it happens. and no I don't really think it's the hormones, because it's like halfway through and anyway I never really get very bothered by it.
or perhaps because I should be unhappy, like all j2s are supposed to be. or perhaps I didn't get to say hi to maril or mae today. or perhaps it's the lousy math test this morning. or perhaps it's the stupid pe which tired me out. or perhaps it's an overdose of a clockwork orange. or perhaps it's an overdose of listening to audience KILLER LOOP. or perhaps it's from thinking too much doing my math tuition homework.
I don't know. I'm rambling again. no I'm ranting. no it's my interior monologue working again. I was so insistent on blogging today. was I? then again, not really. but anyway I'm here already and I've typed so much about perhapses. which sounds really ridiculous to anybody out there. I probably bore you kids to death. like GOSH what the HECK is this mad girl talking about.
let's check out my observations today. first, I felt that someone was very unhappy today. I don't know if it's because her buddy was absent or what. well she really did look unhappy. not that I could do anything, or thought of doing anything. she looked better after school. but she said something which I appreciated. she referred to the bunch in front of us during pe and asked
why are they like that? so much for saying that we should be harmonious.
okay darlings, they were in a little circle by themselves in front, talking. which honestly has been their practice for a while. or more. not that they do it exactly the same way, but thereabout. I guess either no one noticed it ever, or I'm too sensitive or no one cared, since it seemed so comfortable.
then again, everyone forms little circles. it's just how many there are in that circle and which circle you belong to. some people have a circle with themselves only, some have too large a circle, and no one knows when the circle started and when it ended.
oh no I'm getting philosophical again. yeah right. you know what? I suddenly feel like doing another blog layout. my fingers are so itchy. and I realised that I'd linked the june 2005 layout and didn't upload the damn thing. you can click it now.
I shall continue my ranting another day. ranting to my sister now...
I couldn't tell you why she felt that way @ 0047
avril 17th
my daddy very cute. or at least I think so. I don't know what my mother told him, or rather, how she told him, but I got the strangest mail from him yet.
Mummy told me you were very upset about TKGS not being able to stay at the top in this year’s SYF competition. This is part of life and as you grow up, there will still be many things that do not go your way. You have to make peace with yourself and unless what you are going to do can overturn the results, there is nothing to complain about. I’m sure your juniors have done their best and definitely they would not want to “lose face” either, so you should not be unhappy with them but instead should console them.
Whether there is any conspiracy or not, this is something which all of you have to accept. Unless you were there when they performed, you might not know the exact happenings during the competition.
In fact, I would think there is more reason for the alumni to return and help to re-build the band. Who knows maybe one of you can take over from Ms Sia.
Think positive and not indulge in 2 hours phone call which is not productive at all.
Anyway, it’s over and for now, your focus should be on your coming exams.
So cheer up and give me a smiley face when you reply. Okay?
Dad
my dear daddy, we are sad no more. no point. but it was good to let it out. and at least we're unhappy for them. some people (aka IDIOTS) were unhappy WITH them. now that was REALLY bad. and I insist there's a conspiracy. and everyone said yuhua played well, never mind tkg. and gosh NO ALUMNI! please. my batch has unanimously decided against it. anyway she wouldn't give tkg away. not that preciousssss school band of hers. never. it's hers. like oh whatever.
and who says 2 hour phonecalls aren't productive?! I insist they are. well once in a long while they REALLY are. I haven't had them for some time. it helps to keep my sanity and know that there's some human out there who can understand what on earth I am saying and who's willing to listen to me too. sorry daddy, it's just that your daughter lets go of things in life through different means from yours.
well okay. I wrote the first paragraph to my daddy. the second one...well I thought I'd better not write it. otherwise he'll start this wonderful argument about how unproductive phone calls are in general. which I don't really think so. unless I spend 2 hours talking nonsense on the phone daily (which I know some people do) then I guess it has become an addiction rather than a calming thing. it's therapeutical! like how do you tell your daddy that.
oh and my exams ain't really comin' yet. yeah, yet. I think he's forgotten that jc exams are in july, not may. poor thing. but then again, my sister's exams are in may too. perhaps got mixed up. ah well.
okay after my wonderful 'reply' to dad, I was looking for a clockwork orange and I found it in school once again! yay! let's hope I finish this one. at least it shouldn't be as boring as the kafka one. although I think perhaps the castle wouldn't have been as bad. the trial was seriously bad because it was just him going through the trial and case which was practically non-existent and it got annoying after a while. which was why I couldn't complete the damn book. this time I shall. it's only like what, 140 pages? surely I can manage that. of course it had better be more engaging, but I think I can plough through 140 pages. I don't think it's wise to watch the movie (although I'm a little intrigued and I'm wondering if esplanade has it) but anyway just finish the damn book.
gah it's all kyo's fault. clockwork oranges. right. aren't we all.
I couldn't tell you why she felt that way @ 2253
okay I've just found yet another decadent book which kubrick decided to direct a movie out of as well, and guess what?
yeah it's found in school too.
and so is the movie.
who on EARTH approves of all the stuff in MJC library????!!! I mean yeah it's convenient for moi, but AHEM the books are....AHEM once more. so I'm gonna borrow 2 books which became movies under director stanley kubrick, who is, by the way, the director of eyes wide SHUT. yeah baby, the r(a) one. smiles.
I couldn't tell you why she felt that way @ 2313
avril 15th
nothing much to report today. yeah report. just that I've finally completed june's layout. phew. finally. and I used kyo. it's right here: june 2005
and thus I have one more thingy here, which is the lyrics of the song that you're either hearing now (if your connection's that good, or your reading's damn slow), or you're gonna hear soon. beautiful song.
mona lisa's tears ~ you ke li lin
in the romantic city you saw Mona Lisa's smile you said it was good for you, this trip has helped you go through your depression you felt that it was painful to love before, and you thanked me for listening to you, your gentle cries in my dreams I felt honoured because we were in love but you still do not know, I await to be the important one in your world you must take time to search for your other half -- everything I did for you only forces me to laugh painfully at myself Mona Lisa, who is she? did she ever struggle about whether love is right or wrong why do you always give me the tears after your breakups and give your feelings away to others who devastates you Mona Lisa, who is she? did she also look for love over and over her smile is so mysterious, so beautiful perhaps she has gone through the ups and downs of relationships, to realise the one who loves you, will never let his Mona Lisa cry ---------------------------------------------------------------- by the way, I found where ec 1 is seated. thanks once more to sarah ee. no she didn't call him. it's just that she called people from his class. great right? no not great. he's behind too. then again, when you're third class from the front, the chance of anyone in front of you is like oh SO little. I couldn't tell you why she felt that way @ 1704
avril 14th
I am irritated. no wrong. the word is incensed. heh. ms k. no actually I'm fine already. I was highly incensed on tuesday, and terribly disappointed on wednesday. which was yesterday. so what happened? duh.
yeah we got the gold. but without the honours. dammit.
yes I know plenty out there would say things like hey at least it was a gold...still good right? and I'm like NO it is NOT good. ah well. last night called vicky. like therapy session like that. we talked for like 3 hours (and thus I did not do lit nor math) about so much shit, from their syf to our syf to band politics to rubbish school to lousy friends. and it really helped. well I'm not saying that talking to maril and mae (well I was more like brooding with maril and monologuing with mae) was absolutely useless, but somehow it's not the same. sigh. and I didn't just need a band person. I didn't just need a good band person. I needed a tkgian band person. haiz.
ah well. and I was telling vicky, yap mae has never said so many wrong things at one shot. maril told her what happened, and then maril left, and mae came and she was like oh it's okay, and I was like no it's not okay. luckily she didn't say she understood. I would have been highly incensed. and then she was like aiyah, it's alright, your juniors can take it like a lesson learnt, and that they don't always win. and I was like NO this is NOT a lesson to be learnt, they worked bloody hard, they deserved it and lessons can be learnt in other ways. not syf. and then the funniest one. well okay it wasn't funny yesterday. now it is. she was saying
and I replied
poor thing right. ahaha. ANYWAY, I'm fine now. and I hope my dear juniors are fine too. so devastated. and I mean devastated. their world crashed. their dreams shattered. and I am NOT exaggerating.
besides that.
no I don't feel like blogging anymore. I meant to say some very serious but interior monologue-y things. then now I think I don't have time and ambience already. so I shall save it.
| You Are 45% Normal (Somewhat Normal) |
|
ah wonderful lah. I'm not even halfway normal. and I am tired. well I still have to do math and econs. at least the econs. gah.
anyway, I realised due to the burning of myself, I did not complete my agenda of my previous post. so I shall finish it up now. since I don't want to sound like I'm having distracted ramblings, I shall start my bimbotic-ness once again. well at least no bitch today...
eye candy, right? candies actually. yuhan was telling me oh you know j2 got SO MANY cute guys and I was like ROLL eyes and what am I doing here??! okay. after the self contradiction. I was pretty pissed that day. heh. they changed the seating arrangement for econs. dang. and in my attempt to find ec 1 (typing eye candy all the time is tiring), which WAS NOT on the damn transparency, I forgot to check out where ec 2 was seated. which was very stupid. then just monday, during econs lecture, sarah ee called johnson (aka joyce. I just had to bring that up again), then we all turned to listen to that guy talk, and I realised. oooh. ec 2 is the class seated behind mine. like oh JOY right? and where am I? the third class from the FRONT! goodness. it was so nice being second class from the top...even though ec 1 was the first class from the top but hey...got ec 2 below...gah sucks. and today took 53, late, and thus did not see ec 2. and he looks really awful in the school magazine. now I know why I couldn't find him.
and the WORST part (well at least I think it's the worst) about them both? they're both band idiots. like OH great. band band band band. I'll never get rid of it, will I? ec 1 was just from band. I knew that from day 1. I speculated that ec 2 was from band, because there isn't any other reason that siok wei, dawn and junyang would know him when all four of them are from different classes but those 3 are all from band. and then yesterday morning (I think) he was on the same bus as me, then he was talking to his junior (I think) and I was trying not to laugh.
yeah baby. he's a trombonist.
like oh joy lah.
enough. so late already.
I couldn't tell you why she felt that way @ 2320
avril 12th
I have a lot to say today. so I shall list the agenda. I know you kids hate it when I do that right? because that means that you have A LOT A LOT to read! yeah and the main points are embedded inside my long rants. muahaha. well too bad. I enjoy this. and I've missed 4 days! what do you think I want to ramble about??!!
1. sunday at vicky's 2. monday at tkg 3. syf 4. eye candies 5. aob
right. shall start. went to vicky's house on sunday to celebrate her birthday. gosh it was like so FUNNY! not just fun, but FUNNY! well first of all, I was actually ON TIME and I spotted geraldine sitting there, early as usual. then I was like trying to look for signs of shujing and vicky but couldn't, which was like MIRACLE because they're always the earliest...and then miracle 2 happened when wara came pretty much on the dot too! like GOSH what's the world coming to?! and then the rest turned up, with shiqi the latest. we didn't want to wait for yuhan. that crazy girl was still at home trying to complete tutorials. GOODNESS. and the reason she told me?
must finish! wait fail mj will retain me...
oh like THAT sounded so familiar. GAH. I was like ng yuhan you get your butt off the chair, go get changed, grab your things and COME HERE NOW...and she did. not bad, huh? teach juniors wrong things.
then we got there, and her mum had prepared the fire, but guess what? the mother has like ZERO knowledge of barbequeing, so we got our dear vice-president of vjc odac huang shiqi to save the fire...and in the end shiqi and I had to save the food. and I was like vickeeeeee why is it always us saving you kids??!!! and she was like ahahaha well the gods are back...
and yeah we kinda ate food. we were busy laughing at each other anyway. like wahaha. none of us have changed. seriously. yuhan still blur and silly, shujing still overly stressed, wara still attitude and heck care, vicky still noisy, adibah still bitchy AND noisy, shiqi still nonsense, geraldine still auntie, carissa still nonchalant, yeah yeah and me still nonsense plus heck care plus noisy.
amazing. and we played sparklers!! gah so fun!! vicky said she bought the whistling kind, but they only made noise when they first lighted up...so sad. but never mind, we still threw them like all over the place and screamed each other off. which was really terrible. so big already. ahahah like WHO CARES...
ahaha the funniest part was that all of them (except qi and me) wanted to see her brother so badly, and then in the end they all said he looked younger than vicks when he's actually 2 years older...and yuhan thought he looked shuai! and it was like SO FUNNY and vicks was like ahaha my prospective sister-in-law. and the mother played along too! I tell you vick's mother is the funniest woman I've ever seen. it's like oh no wonder victoria turned out LIKE THAT...she's just like the mother. well a little more sense, but ahahah just as good to laugh at. it's so amazing the house hasn't collapsed yet with both their laughter combined. I think the brother and the father have been trying to cushion the house. you know, keep it from falling. ahahha.
and then when we were going home, all of us were walking the other way, except yuhan, and so vicky got her mum to send her to the other bus stop because it was pretty late and the place was rather dark, and vicks was like mummy don't tell her anything about my brother okay??!! and all of us burst out laughing again! oh my so funny. haven't been THIS crap for so long. super nonsense.
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so after the super nonsense time at vicky's place, we carried on our nonsense the next day! well okay, because the band's going for syf tomorrow, 13th april, so yesterday was like the last band practice that ends late. there was one today but I'm sure she just went through the damn piece like twice and that was it. she wouldn't risk them tiring themselves out. so all of us went back. there were like so many of us there. I think she's never seen so many of us back at the same time before. let's see, who was there...
bao lun, priscilla, shiqi, michelle, yafen, adibah, hui min, alicia, carissa, victoria, jie jun, hui koon, soo kun, fang xian, yuhan, shujing, xiu yu, jaslyn
I think...that's it. or at least in my memory, which ain't too good. heh. well that's a lot anyway!! seldom you get so many together on the same day. somehow the tj kids didn't turn up. well most of them anyway. the vj kids all came, and I think all the mj kids too. just the tj ones. the more elite. ahahahha. well some were from the top of the band comm...like what stupid logic is that? mine. hey I came from band comm too...ahahhahahhahaha
then after that I finally treated the 3 of them to earthquake. yeah we had our wonderful baked rice at swensens'. all FOUR of us. power. it's been so long since we entered swensens' together. it's like we're always three-quarter...yesterday was like oh WOW we're like all four together...and we were like laughing half the place down, as usual...well we're always laughing half anyplace we go right?
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syf. vicky passed me our syf. yes the 2003 band syf (secondary school). like gosh EONS ago...but I'm worse. I still have the cd for 2001's syf. heh. somehow it never went back to melissa. but hey she has the video!! and the video was damn nice! wish I had a copy. never mind. yeah so I'm reminiscing with 2001's recording, 2003's recording, and hopefully carissa remembers to get me my 2005's recording tomorrow! yeah she and adibah are going for the thing. they're like going to tkg at 7 in the morning. I don't know if carissa will make it man.
I have the worst news in the world. VS GOT GOLD WITH HONOURS. AND SO DID ORCHID PARK AND TEMASEK!!!!!!!!!!
like HOW ON EARTH DID THAT HAPPEN?????? no offense to OP and tms, but ARGH stupid VS!!!!!! okay tkgians do your seniors proud PLEASE for our sake and YOUR sake and your conductor's sake....
ARGH!!!!!!! ARGHHH!!!!!! ARGRGRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!
nonsense. absolutely. in fact it is SO nonsense that I don't want to type anymore. I'll type the rest another day. argh.
anyway,
GOOD LUCK TO TKGSSB TOMORROW!!!! GET GOLD WITH HONOURS! MUST!!!!
do yourselves proud.
I couldn't tell you why she felt that way @ 0008
avril 8th
I am not supposed to be here. then again, I'm like never supposed to be here. I'm always supposed to be doing something else, going somewhere else. but gah. I suddenly felt like blogging. I only skipped a day. I'm horrible.
and honestly I really have nothing to say. what is there to say? what happened today? like why do I care? no wrong. why do you care? argh. I had some inspirations for the past few days though. should pen my inspirations down. but I've had the wrong inspirations. I'm simply inspired to write about some people but I need an inspiration for a layout. which I don't have. and knowing the crazy me, I should have up to july by now.
argh. anyway, decided to pay kayjal's blog a visit just now. since maril's links are back. she said she found a link on MY site to hers, but I googled and couldn't find. ahaha. fated to find this place. it's not that difficult actually. but whatever. and actually the confessions thingy isn't supposed to be answered like that. ahaha. yuting didn't format it that way. but I wanted to add my comments. yeah.
and I think it ends here. I shall go play my fire dragon now. or actually I don't have much mood. so I'd probably die soon. yeah.
I couldn't tell you why she felt that way @ 2146
avril 6th
it's me again. like duh. I don't know why I like to say that. anyway, just felt like updating, even though there's barely anything to update. and again, I enjoy saying that.
okay, perhaps first things first. I am appearing for econs tuition tomorrow. I think I'm a very expensive child. not high maintainance, but very expensive. I had piano lessons more than my sister, I had math tuition more than her, and now I'm having econs tuition which she didn't have, and then because I took triple science and MEP, my o level fees were freakily high, and then and then...ah the list goes on. I'm so expensive. ahaha.
and met the j1s of eldds today. most of the first 3 months people came back. so sad fuad's gone to debate. but alia, daniel, yuvan, dianne, cherie, jee theng all back. and aneesha also in debate. and we have a bimbo. ultimate one. never seen one worse than this. never mind. shall not bitch today. shall try to keep off bitching.
and then after that went to yakkun (of all places) with maril, mae, aneesha, daniel and fuad. very fun. decent people to go out with. ahahaha. ah well.
and guess what? it's april 6th and I can't get a concept for june. very hardpressed for time. like yeah right. and I think I should get something for vicky. will not go to her place empty handed. especially after vick's been absolutely lovely. ahaha. I shall attempt to get something for the difficult girl. she's just as difficult as maril. but I've settled that already!
yeah. go do math now.
I couldn't tell you why she felt that way @ 2138
avril 4th
I am writing here today for a few reasons. first, happy birthday to dear avril. yeah next is maril and gwen and then it's chia min THEN vicky then my week is over. I called her at midnight today. sounds weird. never mind. laughing over stupid things. especially RK. again. as usual. and she was telling me about the simple plan concert. and yuhan went for the lavigne one. when did SHE have so much money...ahaha.
went back to tkg today. for fun, really. heard their set piece. the felle chose di tanjong katong AGAIN. but he made it really nice. and it's so short! not fair. and it's by jacob de haans. cool. but I forgot what it was called. and it was so weird, because they had combine in the AV theatrette. I was like oh my how did they fit, but they did. and they have silly juniors. I asked them where the main band was, and those sec 1s were still wondering whether to greet me. sad case, you know.
talked to mummy quite a bit. realised it takes a lot to TELL your mother that you've failed something. luckily I passed maths pretty okay. otherwise I'm really dead. the report thingy was better. the paper speaks for itself. yay. to say I FAILED SOMETHING is terrible. ugh.
I'm terribly tired today. all the circuit's fault. the whole day, plus circuit, plus flying back to tkg, then lugging my bag around popular; argh so tired. and I'm feeling so drained. no not delirious. drained. and I was in a pretty good mood at the beginning of the day. yeah thank avril.
oh well. I guess that's all I wanted to say. I think. oh no it isn't. I decided not to do kyo for june's layout. (so unrelated!) I decided to do takeo, which is long overdue. it's just that there aren't many nice pictures of him. either they're blur and not style or big, or he's spoiled the picture himself. wonderful, eh?
and I want to put boulevard of broken dreams. but I don't know how to fit it in. I have like zero inspiration. and I am tired. my foot hurts. again. sucks.
I am tired. of everything. I'm losing my sanity again...in fact I'm losing consciousness. which is dangerous, because then I cease to think and make proper decisions. I'm falling back into my dream...
I couldn't tell you why she felt that way @ 2258
avril 2nd
what would you do if you know a person who's: - got a masters in arts (literature) - got an moe teaching award - rjc alumnus - taught in njc - co wrote a full essay in a history journal for nus' history society - co wrote a chapter in a book published only in london (and found only in ntu's libraries) - dissertation is on language poetry and critical theory - teaching lit but researches popular culture, films and computer games - the (presumably) ex vice president of the cat welfare society of singapore
or actually, how on earth does one do so many damn things together?!
I don't know. he's like the one he replaced. power.
and a little bit of humour. I had a freaking good laugh last night. was searching for some stuffs and I found this. oh my SO funny. maybe you wouldn't find it funny. but do I care?
nah.
check it out yourself. SO FUNNY.
that's about it. yeah. that's all I wanted to say today. amazed at how little I have to say? well start blinkin' and shut your freaking mouth by picking your jaw up and clamping it back in line with your upper jaw.
I couldn't tell you why she felt that way @ 2253
avril 1st
happy april fool's day! so dumb. actually I blogged a little yesterday, but I didn't put it up because I was thinking, I'm going to change the freaking layout the next day, so let's just post everything the next day, which is today! quite happy today because 1. it's friday, the weekend, 2. I'm talking to vicky, 3. I don't know. just feeling not bad today.
anyway, about yesterday. ripped from yuting's blog. okay, slightly different.
Confession.
snuck out of the house: nah. I'm a good girl.
gotten lost in your city: yeah, stupidly enough. I have like no direction sense.
seen a shooting star: damn, no.
had a serious surgery: no...for what?
gone out in public in your pajamas: erm, yeah. when I was small..
kissed a stranger: I'm not that crazy
hugged a stranger: I am NOT that crazy
been in a fist fight: ouch no. pillow yeah.
been arrested: thank God no
done drugs: sheesh no
Had alcohol: eh yeah. a little. stinks man.
laughed and had milk/coke come out of your nose: ahaha no I avoid that
pushed all the buttons on an elevator: yes. when I was small. so silly.
been in love: nah
been close to love: dang no.
been to a casino: no thanks
been skydiving: I'm not super daring
broken a bone: uh...I cracked my skull
skinny-dipped: nah...
skipped school: lecture yeah, school no. I'm GOOD!
flashed someone: I am NOT CRAZY.
saw a therapist: I think I need one now
played spin the bottle: yeah. so dumb. the obs one especially
gotten stitches: no. almost. when I cracked my head.
drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour--or water: eh..yeah. water.
bitten someone: yeah. need my list?
been to Disneyland: YEAH!!! TOKYO ONE!
gotten the chicken pox: nah. lucky right?!
kissed a member of the same sex.: yep
crashed into a friend's car: I don't drive. I can't.
been to Japan:YES!!
ridden in a taxi: duh. what sort of question is this??!
shoplifted: nope. I can PAY.
been fired: I don't work!
had a crush on someone of the same sex: yeah. bad. bad. very bad.
had feelings for someone who didnt have them back: very very bad. yeah.
stolen something from your job: I don't work, remember?
gone on a blind date: ahahaha no I don't do SDU tactics
lied to a friend: yeah. about something dumb. as usual
had a crush on a teacher: almost...almost...
celebrated mardi-gras: for what? I'm not gay. serious
been to Europe: no. I WANT!
slept with a co-worker: I don't work.
been married: na
gotten divorced: na
had children: SUPER na
seen someone die: didn't really see, but was updated of his medical condition
had a close friend die: no. thank God
been to Africa -- capetown.: no...
Driven over 400 miles in one day: I can't drive....
Been to Canada: nope
Been to Mexico: nope
Been on a plane: yep
Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show: is chucky counted?
Thrown up in a bar: bar no, but pizza hut yeah, school yeah, everywhere.
Purposely set a part of myself on fire: I'm not crazy, remember?!
Eaten Sushi: yeah. lots of it
Been snowboarding:nooo
met someone in person from the internet: nahh
lost a child: nope
gone to college/ poly: yeah. currently
graduated college/ poly: going to! quickly!!
done hard drugs: nah
tried killing yourself: I am not suicidal
fired a gun: gun? M-16 yeah.
purposely hurt yourself: yeah. a bit stupid too
taken painkillers: panadol. actal. the usual things.
miss someone right now: as always. very much.
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took a stupid quiz last night too.
| English Genius You scored 92% Beginner, 92% Intermediate, 93% Advanced, and 82% Expert! |
| You did so extremely well, even I can't find a word to describe your excellence! You have the uncommon intelligence necessary to understand things that most people don't. You have an extensive vocabulary, and you're not afraid to use it properly! Way to go!
Thank you so much for taking my test. I hope you enjoyed it! For the complete Answer Key, visit my blog: http://shortredhead78.blogspot.com/. |
My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
|
| Link: The Commonly Confused Words Test written by shortredhead78 on Ok Cupid |
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okay. after yesterday's nonsense, I shall continue with what I want to say today. actually I have nothing to say today. as usual. and then in the end I'd expound on every other word I say in this paragraph and it will result in a full length essay. and my stupid msn is NOT working. ARGH. connect you stupid program, connect. it's like timing out on me. dang. stupid thing.
still listening to boulevard of broken dreams. don't really know why I like it so much. I have a penchant for boring songs. ahaha. and then I listen to it and I have an image of my buddy. so sad right? walking alone...
right. my msn has officially screwed. grrr. and now I can't find the stupid web messenger thingy. luckily avril had gone offline already. otherwise they DIE. and the web messenger is screwing too. oh man...
so tired of this stupid thing. I think it's time to get rid of files. again. oh like WONDERFUL my msn has hung. never mind.
finished the handmaid's tale the other day. GOODNESS the horrific references to the Bible. terrible. terrible. from the names, to the verses they used, to the songs and doctrines they were drummed. shall spend some time blabbing about that some other day. can't stand it. not to mention a lot of these things are from the OT and I am such a sucker for the OT. ahaha.
and now I've run out of things to say again. well not that I've run out of things to say. I've run out of things that I don't have a problem saying online with.
oh okay. went to punggol park today. took more pictures. and there was this CUTEE little YELLOW mushroom!!! oh my so irresistable. and I suddenly had a new concept for june 2005!
like ahhh. whatever right? anyway I ought to be sleeping soon (despite the stupid nap I had) and I'm heading for EH tomorrow...but I suddenly feel like doing something I haven't done in a long while. yeah write a verse of my internalisation.
keepin' my sanity I'm trying to keep my sanity it keeps going away you know I hate it when it goes away because then I lose everything yeah you're probably thinking dammit she's always been insane anyway thanks a lot I haven't been honestly I've been fakin' my insanity but now I'm tryin' ta keep it and it's so hard I'm losing it I know I am but I must keep it learn a way write a letter write a song do something like this although I know that it doesn't really always help it makes some things worse really I don't know what helps save me I don't walk alone but yet sometimes I feel I do nooooo I do not walk alone I talk to my own shadow so sad so so sad I have people who can keep my sanity but where are they where where where are they there oh yeah they're there but so faraway... far far away sometimes I think I've numbed numbed to stuffs in life then again I think deeper and I realised I cut myself again deeper and deeper and deeper so silly I am so silly I am always so silly I've been silly again today my mind is bad I know it it's been having wrong things inside today I know I'm sorry I am it's wrong did I want it to happen? did I? perhaps. then that's worse I thought NO it wouldn't of course it wouldn't it's just a figment of my imagination and I want so much to let it out but I'm so scared I am I don't know who I can tell should I tell? it weighs heavily I don't know it shouldn't I don't know why it's wrong it's wrong it's wrong it's wrong can you see why I'm losin' my sanity why I try so hard ta keep it? can you see how easily I lose it why I don't seem to hold on to it? help me somebody help me keep my sanity keep my sanity I need it keepin' my sanity it's the hardest thing I've ever done really? yeah.
I couldn't tell you why she felt that way @ 2345