location: home
mood:
drainedmusic: It's raining - Rain
drained
bored
14.05.2006
alrighty. haven't been here for the past couple of days. and I can explain why. in fact I ought to, otherwise I think vicky might believe me ungrateful and horrid. AHAHA. okay in order to do some justice to my 2nd sis and my brother, here we go.
I realise that my previous entry sounded terrible. I sounded as if my brain wasn't in working order anymore or somewhat depresed. but it turned out cool. basically on friday I met up with vicks at orchard to buy something for lily, and perhaps winnie too. but lily was top priority. so we walked here and there, from far east to dhoby ghaut, just to get something suitable for her. and then we picked up this really gay post-it pad for josh and then we moved on. the rain wasn't really doing well for us so we stopped over at bk next to emerald for a while. that place reminded me of econs tuition. we used to buy from that bk during breaks, especially since they were having that coke and onion rings for 2 bucks deal. I think that's how I grow so fat. from such deals. sigh. my soft spot for fastfood.
and then we somehow made our way to ps, and then we were laughing, saying we ought to sit back at that table and reminiscence about the time we came out with josh like just before he left for taiwan. and that was like a month and a few days ago. and then we happily laughed and crossed the road over to glass house, because that victoria galvez had this evil craving for fish and co at glass house since her own birthday.
12.05.2006
okay, first things first, happy birthday to myself yesterday. YAY. had great dinner with my mum, although it was painfully obvious that she bought all the food within heartland mall. which was pretty amusing actually, because I didn't expect her to buy half the stuff she did. but great anyway. but I think I overate. as usual. and I believe I will again later tonight. I just have this feeling...
and another announcement: blog layout will NOT change next month because I'm going away at the end of may, and it's not quite fair to the present layout. it's true that although the layout now isn't like the best or the greatest and neither is it like the latest fad or something, but it's just that I put in effort into it and I don't think it's very fair to these two lovely ladies here that I change it next month. although next month's is done. and it's MIYAVI! like finally, right? and I have yet to do some of the usual people that I wanted to do. but I guess as the time goes on I try to find new people to be part of my blog layouts and there just aren't enough months for me to try out and still maintain certain celebrities every year.
okay enough about that. I need to do this fast because I'm meeting vicky at 1 and I'm going to try not being late. or at least not being too late. thing is, I don't really know what else to type here. somehow or another I had a lot of stuff to say, and now I don't really anymore.
I was supposed to write a long long pss letter to dear vicky but I haven't the inspiration. and furthermore, she'd have to endure my bad handwriting. but yet I have to write another long long pss letter to my brother. I think I've overdone it. I was talking to vicks about it last night and somehow inside me I feel like avril is happening all over again and I hate to think of it that way. but I think I've really gone a little overboard this time and so perhaps I should just stop it.
and perhaps I should just stop my stupid strange way of making certain friends.
there's something wrongly wired in my brain but I can't really find exactly what the heck's wrong with it. and then I have my little instabilities and my oddities and putting them together doesn't exactly help out with my thought organisation. and somehow or another I just think that the poor people reading my blog will lose all interest soon because I don't enjoy reporting. and because I don't enjoy reporting, all you get are my jumbled up thoughts about topics that don't seem to exist. my paragraphs have absolutely no point and there are no topic sentences to follow and at the end of the entry, you wonder what the heck you've just read.
and I'm beginning to wonder too. like what was my point in the previous paragraph? and I don't know how I break paragraphs either. my paragraphs have no meaning. I think I begin on another paragraph when I feel like it, or when I feel that this paragraph is getting waaaaay too long and that I ought to stop it somewhere fast and get on with it. and sometimes I start a new one for dramatic effect.
like what the hell.
oh there I go again. but if you want some reporting, I can give it to you. I woke up at an unearthly hour today. and I don't know why. I cried a lot last night, and I don't know why either. and I haven't cried for no reason for some time already. perhaps I'm stressed. perhaps I'm upset. perhaps I missed my sister, because she's away on camp (on my stinking birthday). I don't really know. and I still wonder why.
then again, why do I want to know why? would knowing why make a difference? it might. but then again, it might not. so what's the point. I think I like to ask myself pointless questions and give pointless answers to them. but that makes sense. and then you're wondering yet again what the heck is the point of my last 5 paragraphs. I was supposed to report, right? but there's nothing to report. I just can't do it like this.
and I think that maybe I should just stop the freaking entry here because it's not going anywhere. or at least there wasn't a direction to begin with and all I meant to do in the first place was to simply blog because I have done so in such a long time. and thus I must scribble something meaningless here and irritate everybody.
I'm going to try playing maple for half an hour. yeah stupid me got one. crap. all mafoo's fault.
I love you despite everything you are not @ 1129
07.05.2006
I think I have a problem with my own keyboard after using the one at office for so long. considering that I type way more at office than at home, it's pretty understandable. you know I realised that I enjoy doing this sort of thing. have a random thought, type it out, then sort of justify this weird thought from nowhere and end up having an entire trashy paragraph on it. as maril knows, I enjoy making a paragraph out of absolutely nothing.
and actually I have other things to do other than blog, but I decided to blog anyway because I'm still feeling a little stoned. I'm having some ambivalences and I hate it. I try so hard to be so straight cut, but yet my feelings fail me. well humans will be humans. and I think I ought to go increase my vocabulary. then perhaps I will feel less stuffed up inside when I can find the right word to express myself.
last night I read through the little prince once through. and I don't know if I was feeling emotional or just getting yet another cathartic experience, but I felt like crying after that. the last time I read that book, I didn't understand it. or rather, it was simply an illogical story. I think I was more logical when I was young. not necessarily more rational, but at least more logical. certain things had to make sense. which was why although I enjoyed my cartoons, I didn't believe in them. you know they always say that make believe things, including fairytales, are terribly bad for children, because there's always this risk of them believing in them. but I think for the innocent and untainted mind, it seems acceptable for them to believe in them, because they wouldn't know half the difference (unless they're as logical as me. I insist. and I insist I'm not thick-skinned.). but when they grow up and actually believe in them still, it's simply saddening, because you know that they're running away from the real world.
and I was thinking the other day, and rambling a little to vicky, that the world is not cruel in the way we believe it to be. we as students often hear our teachers and adults telling us to cherish our childhood and to appreciate your time in school, because it's so different and evil out there in the real world. so the real world, the working world, is depicted as this dark and dreary place nobody wants to go but they have to so that they can make ends meet. and that the real world is full of scary people who can't wait to kill you mentally and that you have to face a lot of pressure and much competition and politiking and the sort.
but think about it. surely these office people started somewhere, right? I mean, you don't exactly turn evil overnight. teachers take a few years to realise that their attempts to be the world's nicest and most pleasant teacher can't be done, and then they begin to turn angrier and fiercer to the point where they've reached the 180 degree mark and can't seem to turn further than that. it's the same, no? you get the evil folks in school. when they reach the point where they realise that being nice doesn't help, that being a lovely child to classmates is secondary, where they find out that being an angel in front of certain people gets them a longer way, and that some people are just not quite classified as existent, simply because they are of no real value to them.
I don't know. seriously. the world has always been terrible. it's just that it gets worse as you grow up, and as little children you didn't realise it. but think back, and see. all have sinned. it's so sad. and you know, in a place like an office, you realise that people never did grow up. in fact they degenerated. while we learn to care and share, while the little children learn that we ought to be kind to others, when the service industry is undergoing a campaign where they ought to go the extra mile for service in order to be a real gem to others, it never really happens. people continue to be selfish. in fact that's the root. people remain selfish. they don't see beyond themselves. they believe themselves first, and then so long as they stay out of trouble, it doesn't trouble them too much, then it's alright. as long as there's somebody else to blame, it's perfectly fine.
and somehow or another I think I'm losing my point. is there a point in what I've just said? I swear if you made me do gp now, I'll flunk again. my paragraphs don't make a whole lot of sense anymore. I think I have a very confused brain. either that, or I have way too many thoughts at one shot. or perhaps it's just that I don't type faster than my own brain anymore. or perhaps I have so much to say here and it's just impossible to say everything but I just can't let go of the fact that I can't write eveything I want to say here. and actually I'm wondering why on earth I have so much to say here. it's not as if it's my only channel of letting air out. in fact my channels are increasing with the years. but perhaps I want to keep documented proof. proof of what, you may ask. but I don't know either. I just enjoy keeping all these documents, which include my archived blog, my msn conversations, my correspondence with maril, and physically I also keep all my letters from the past. it's like blasts from the past and I just love them so much.
I still live in my memories after all, then.
oh that's so sad. and I tried so hard to get out of them. but I guess they stay. what's the one thing you can't wipe out from the human brain? memories. even if some guy gets whacked real hard on the head and suffers from amnesia, sometimes they end up remembering some stuff in the end, or even if they never remember the past before the whack, they gain new memories. so the cycle goes on. it's just that there are times we wish we could fake amnesia. it seems like so much fun. but then again, what would life be like without memories? what would you do if you really got amnesia, that suddenly the world around you is foreign, and you don't remember who you could trust and who you couldn't, and you can't remember what happened, the happiness, the sadness, the lessons you learnt, the dumbass things you did. what would you do?
oh no I feel like I'm talking like my brother all of a sudden. and I'm typing like at super speed now. I think my typing faster than my thinking is coming back. I realised that I can type pretty fast, but I think my wpm will still suck because I always type the same few words anyway. that's why I type so fast. I think after 1984, I like to question why a lot. because I realised (yes I am forever realising) that it is so true that people always know how, but never know why. or they feel that it's easier to just know how and never mind why. or that they know why but pretend not to know, because it helps them to stay out of trouble, and it's better that way. ignorance is bliss. is it true bliss? no wrong, it's supposed to be ignorance is strength. great.
somehow for all the hate that I had for paper 4, the stuff sticks.
and honestly I'm quite tired of typing all this. it's emptying my brain. and I still want it. and anyway I'm downloading maple story. heh. I think it's good for honing the violent streak in me. stupid matthias went telling all the guys that I'm violent. oh fine I AM, okay? but it was fun anyway. foofoo is just lousy at killing those snails. and the fat orange mushrooms are so CUTE! but perhaps it is unfair to despise foofoo because the last time I watched someone play maple, it was meida's brother (alvin, I believe), and he's on pretty high level. but then again, I think almost anybody is on higher level than foofoo.
oh whatever. I'm going to find some stupid game to occupy my empty brain.
I love you despite everything you are not @ 1554
05.05.2006
signs that you've been working in moe for too long. the date begins to look like that. I can't stand the slashy version, so I stick with the dots.
anyway, first things first. a very happy birthday to dearest vio. yes he turns 32 today. I messaged maril, but she said she wouldn't message him a happy birthday because it's so weird that she knows. not like anybody would mind, actually. I think birthdays are one of the least private things in your life. in fact for some, it's a date that they want EVERYONE to know.
like victoria. ahaha just kidding.
this week has been busy, a little crazy, and terribly unsettling. yes I have found the word. it is not disturbing, not quite stressful, not really a headache and not stoning mode. just unsettling. it ruffles me.
but I guess you could summarise the week this way:
yook meng rocks. raymond is a complete asshole. lily is leaving oh so soon. spu and ttu have moved. drama rehearsals are tiring. there's a new guy on the mission trip team. hazel's replacement is here.
and actually I'm feeling too stoned to blog. I'm just blogging because if I don't take the time NOW to settle the layout, I might never will. as far as I believe, it still looks terrible, because I'm way too lazy to go upload, check the dimensions, upload again, check dimensions again and so on. I'm so tired.
and actually I'm tired not so much physically, but mainly mentally. I just feel...lost. well there are things to be done, there are things yet undone, but somehow I can't do them all, I'm not supposed to do them all, but I also don't know who's supposed to do them and then I can't blame anybody for not doing them. great, right?
I don't know. and I don't get along particularly well with the new perm staff. it's not that yati is evil. it's not that she's not friendly. just that she's...different. there's just something about her that I don't quite like, and I don't exactly agree with. I am seriously not racist. and anyway she's nice and all. it's just that somehow we're still sort of formal and all, and her idea of joking around, and crappiness is just not right. even josh's garbage beats this.
ARGH I can't place my finger on it.
and I think we and josh are back to normal. I think. you know, there was this strange sort of distance between all of us when he first came back. now it seems fine. and he joined us for lunch and terrorised wendy. I think moe must have been a hell of an experience for the girl. there's noisy crazy victoria, there's loud crappy and super uber slow me, then there's this weird man called joshua who talks weird sense too. and then there's full of nonsense gladys! my entertainment! ah well. but now there's seok hoon to join her. seok hoon's somewhat like wendy. the quietly evil one who drops little bits of sarcasm here and there.
but somehow it was so nice with the original layout.
instability. change. insecurity. comfort.
you know what's the difference between a puppet and a doll? puppets are just manipulated. dolls are pretty masks. get it? I must discuss this with my brother again. and a puppet with strings attached to a pair of crossed sticks is called a marionette. yeah I found the term my brother was looking for. dolls have better connotations. puppets have this lifeless idea of looking absolutely slumped without anyone controlling it, and generally most parts of the puppet can be controlled. you know, like the lovely puppet show in the sound of music. those puppets could even move their mouths and raise the eyebrows and the tubists could inflate and deflate their cheeks. but the doll, the doll, is usually female, a pretty thing, and there isn't much you can move usually. generally the limbs only. so the doll has more restrictions.
oh my goodness why am I talking about this now. go sleep. SLEEP. mission trip meeting tomorrow morning at 9am. then there's spa. and I don't know what time it is. great, right? but I'm too lazy to waste an sms just to ask them what time it is. somehow I think it should come tomorrow. right? ah whatever.
sleep.
I love you despite everything you are not @ 0022