january 30th

this is probably the last entry for the month. TABUN. AHAHA. I think that gazette backstage clip is so priceless. basically what happens is that the band is being interviewed, and asked to say something to the fans. so kai just says I LOVE YOU ALL! and then uruha says something stupid, and then after that something like thanks all of you for supporting us. after uruha it's ruki's turn, and ruki thinks for a while, and then says suddenly and very loudly, TABUN (probably), and then he says that he thinks that the member who loves the fans the most is himself. after the cheers of the fans, it's reita's turn. reita takes the mic, and then says TABUN too! and continues with exactly what ruki just said! and then ruki begins to try to pry the mic away from reita...

they're such kids sometimes I don't believe it. but that makes them cute.

bah anyway I wasn't supposed to talk about that. headlines of nus exchange!

SECURITY ALERT - CONMAN RANS AWAY WITH HANDPHONES BELONGING TO STUDENTS!

ahaha. rans away. alright man.

but that was also NOT what I meant to talk about today. I crashed vicks' deviance lecture today, to be that deviant kid who just sat there placidly in a light green windbreaker, with her friend's file on the table and an open pack of chocolate pocky, happily eating away and looking half stoned and not taking any notes down at all.

hey it's not my lecture. AHAHA. but crashed it for the fun of it. vicks said it was supposed to be marx, but fickle lecturer pushed back to durkheim. there's some conspiracy here, after I talked so much about doing suicide for js (and discussing that today), then I go crash some random lecture for the fun of it and there it is! emile durkheim's SUICIDE, 1897. apparently pronounced as ee-mile. I have no idea man. but that's not my point.

so after saying how deviance is usually perceived as moving away from the norm (as the word deviating implies), durkheim decides that that's not quite right. to him, deviance is something that's in every society, and therefore normal, because any society without crime and deviance must be abnormal.

when it comes to the above two statements, I haven't anything to say. in fact, to me, despite the seemingly contradictory items, I think they're both right. I don't argue very secularly anymore, and so I'm not going to here either. it's true that deviance is something that's not socially accepted, but it's also true that all societies have deviance. because while all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God, the conscience which pricks us all and gives us moral boundaries and prompts us therefore to set law is there. thus mankind provides the problem itself. as much as humans try to regulate society and to set moral boundaries, it increasingly is unable to, and will never be able to set perfect moral boundaries by their own effort, as man is fallible. so what happens? crime and deviance occurs.

the problem is, while crime and deviance is something that naturally happens in all societies because humans are sinful creatures and enjoy rebelling against authority, it doesn't mean that it's normal. as much as we always say that what the majority says is not necessarily correct, it also holds true that despite it being an item always present in the world, it is not necessarily normal, much less functional, really.

okay the front part of the functionalism is fine. that without crime there wouldn't be law. that without the destruction, nobody would think of putting laws to stop the destruction. but then he forgot that without law there's no crime either. so why did we decide that crime is destructive and therefore we must put law? our conscience decided that. God put the little voice there to tell us what we ought to do and how we ought to live, and that crime and deviance is wrong, and not normal, albeit natural.

and then it got kinda funny, when it came to the part where people need crimes to happen so that they may respond to them, and the more they respond to the crimes committed, the more sure and the clearer they are of their moral boundaries.

I don't know what to say man. I suppose people enjoy pushing it after all. like in nm class, the questions that were asked were obviously pushing the boundaries of the course. they weren't all that necessary. but partly because some don't read the slides very carefully, I suppose. but they did exasperate siti a little.

but the part where suicide is mentioned was rather amusing. not that suicide is, but the definition of suicide being a point where we have endless aspirations which are unfulfilled was funny. yes, insatiable desires, infinite ASPIRATIONS. I felt like laughing but it wasn't too nice to do that I suppose. and that happiness is to balance our desires and practicalities. alright man.

sociology isn't nonsensical. the problem lies with it being overly secular. that they believe mankind to be of certain patterns, of certain rationale. but as the movie we watched in nm2102 goes, when you're studying human behaviour, the formula's got to be more complicated than just 1 long equations. you'd need quite a few equations to get that mathematically.

which is why the soci department continually does its research and constantly finds disruptions in patterns. of course, there IS a pattern, but that pattern is not quite what the sociologists want to believe, I suppose.

I suppose I should sleep. I'm horribly tired. I hope ssa tutorial tomorrow will be okay. and somehow I'm half hoping for daniel because I want to know what he's like. but curiousity kills the cat, so I don't know if I'm hoping right. but whatever it is, it's time to sleep. need to boot out of the house earlier tomorrow. and my eyelids are closing soon.

 won't you turn from the edge @ 0011 kuroi namida - anna tsuchiya

january 29th

doing this in as7 again.

and the page actually loads nicely and all in microsoft frontpage. but I shall not turn this entry too technical. I'm just bored, after all. okay partly because I'm too lazy to actually roll all the way down to yih only to roll all the way back up for class. so I figured my next nm piece shouldn't be as difficult as the previous one, and my concept is waaaay clearer than my previous one, so it should be much better and much faster.

and I can wake up later tomorrow morning so it's not so bad. but I do intend to get it done real fast. make the shape, put the textures on, juxtapose all the pictures nicely, find more if I have to (they aren't hard to find) and then fiddle with the shadowy effects things a little, dodge and burn if I ought to, then PRINT.

cool right? as if. but that means that tonight I need to like focus. so perhaps no msn tonight. at least while I do it. so distracting. then after tomorrow's presentation I need to fly down to central library after lunch with vicks to get my nm2102 stuff done. and then after I'm done with that, I need to study japanese again. gosh. it just keeps coming and going and coming and going. I'm beginning to understand why all the japanese language students are trying to speak it everywhere and anywhere and then they bring their minna no nihongo textbook EVERYWHERE also.

I'm beginning to empathise. like noooooooo!

and then and then. and then after that I need to think about the next nm2208 design piece. it sounds rather simple yet not. it's about abstraction. which is rather crappy to a certain extent, because it tests your ability to strip and object down to its bare minimum such that while it is very very simple, it is still recognisable and the function is still obvious.

but then after I'm done with that, then it's the photo story one! and because I have something in mind about that already, it should move faster and perhaps for once, finish a little faster than I usually do? because I'm always doing my nm2208 stuff like all the way till monday night, just the night before my tutorial, that is. and that's not too good. or at least that's not the way it ought to be.

and listening to tokyo shinjuu makes me fall in love with it all over again. well not that my love for that song actually died out, but I stopped listening to it so much and began to try discovering other gazette songs. like the one now. cassis. oooooh cassis is sounding better and better as I listen to it. and even though the lyrics are cheesy and the normal love you forever type, but the music's good.

and I feel like watching nlsg again. go find the songs where uruha and aoi have double electric guitar solo! squee! they're good man. I don't see how gazette actually had to take a lot of flak because people thought they were popular merely by virtue of their looks. yes I admit I'm not a guitar/drums expert or anything, but I think gazette's technique aside, their cooperation and playing as a band is good. they've got coordination, they've got skill, they really enjoy what they're doing and nobody's like particularly left out, or particularly thrown to the background. you will NEVER EVER see dir en grey do a double guitar solo, okay? and toshiya doesn't get half as many bass solos as reita does, even though totchi's such a good bassist. and because hyde is getting more and more egoistic (very unfortunate but true), everybody's getting left behind the scenes. the yokohama arena performance said a lot about laruku's band dynamics already, even though it was a rather short one.

but gazette doesn't do that. everybody gets a fair chance. and even though kai, to me, looked a little out of place with the rest and slightly out of sync, I've decided to eat my words after watching nlsg. I still don't fancy kai, but hey he's good, full of energy, smiles, stamina, and the whole band does work together properly at least on stage to give their best after all. which is fantastic.

but of course the earlier gazette rant doesn't mean I don't like diru or laruku anymore. I'm still awaiting diru's new album that's due in 2 weeks time! I suspect there's some difference in guitar riffs in there. there's been a couple of sample clips flying about. and of course there's the immensely angsty ryoujoku no ame which I still feel the pain whenever I hear it.

and anyway I wasn't supposed to link tokyo shinjuu to watching nlsg. I meant to talk about the song roppongi shinjuu. yes the word shinjuu is popping out like nobody's business these couple of days (save for the madhat twinkling song). and I found this song. I found a lot of links to aikawa nanase, but it's not her song. it's a cover of a 1984 song by this lady named ann lewis. american mix japanese, and she reminds me somewhat of anna tsuchiya. somewhat. this song is super 1980s, but it's quite nice. rather saijio hideki-ish. AHAHA. like what did I just say man. saijio hideki. alright man. but it's not too bad. and this time what's she killing herself and other half about?

But
Hearts
Change with the weather
Your long eyelashes are indecent
Look at me with a sinful look in your eyes
“I’ll give you life”
That’s a bit “suburban cinema” isn’t it?

This city is too big
Big city is a lonely place
When you’re alone
The lights of the city
Drive you crazy

I hang on tight to the snowstorm of cherry blossoms
I can’t live without you
Don’t kid yourself, words are useless
Be a man

When I’m with my “playmate”
I can wrap him around my little finger
But I’m afraid of getting serious someday
You’re younger than me
But your jealousy
Makes you look like you’re past your sell-by date

If I look closely, late at night
Big city is a lonely place
As long as I have the someone’s sleeping breaths
In my bed
I can keep this dream going

I try breathing on your profile
I can’t live without you
Tomorrow the sun will rise again
I’m a girl, I don’t cry

I hang on tight to the snowstorm of cherry blossoms
I can’t live without you
Don’t kid yourself, words are useless
Be a man

Can't live without you babe
Can't live without you babe
Can't live without you babe
Don't wanna let you go

alright man. younger man. AHAHA. basically everything not socially accepted. DEVIANT! but okay seriously. I suppose it's partly because the culture is rather stifling over there. there are many things unwritten, unsaid, but still expected of you because of either gender, age, or whatever. there's a whole host of etiquette and social differences that must be observed in japanese culture, and to defy that is to practically defy the entire society.

or at least that's the impression I have.

which is why to fulfil the societal expectations, they can do things like disembowelment. I don't particularly think that being captured by enemy is particularly embarrassing, as it was in those days. in fact isn't it good that you're alive? even though not very well. but hey at least. but nooooo they thought that it's such a disgrace to be alive in their hands and they'd rather die. and of all the glorious ways to die, they must choose to turn themselves into kway chap.

fantastic, these people. but people are people.

I suppose that's like an extreme case. but people do such things in milder forms that don't like take lives. but still detrimental to health all the same. and actually all these suicides are the same. some can't face the societal pressures, some just want to runaway, some feel that their lives are empty, and so they decide that they want to end their lives. and there it goes.

and some just...runaway. they don't kill themselves, but they run to where they think nobody knows them, nobody can find them. but honestly the problems surface again, in my opinion. there's only so much you can run, and hide. there's only that much. and guess what? it's not much either.

oh tokyo shinjuu is playing again. and my chocolate pocky has finished. and there's still 15 minutes more to class. perhaps I should like upload this, get out of here, and then perhaps study my lesson 2 vocab. my pronounciation still sucks though. my sister was like going to murder somebody already at the rate I was speaking. she was correcting my intonation again and again. sigh. poor us both really. heh. because my present textbook doesn't include intonation, whereas her old textbook did. so now all our japanese is going to sound upside down. and although sister says all the teachers are probably terribly used to the screwed pronounciation and they can guess what we're talking about because they know how limited our vocabulary is, it's still sad to have things come to such a point, no?

and I suppose I should get moving. I feel like sleeping though. I don't know how I'm going to get through today. I'll probably like die in lt 8 later for ssa lecture. it doesn't help that sometimes alexius drones on and on and it doesn't get very interesting.

and crystal wants to sit near daniel in hope of psychoing him to help her tell harry to change tutorial slots such that he takes her class. which is really nonsensical. but you know what? at least I'm not the only stalker now! ahaha crys found his timetable. he's doing that even week only thing again. but he'll be in school thrice a week, so it's not so bad. 6 classes again, but at least it isn't 3 tutorials straight in one day. I think that really tired him out. 10am-4pm. no joke man. I got the 10am one, so not so bad, I suppose. but by 2pm, I don't know what he feels like man, taking the 3rd class in a row.

but I suppose that's none of my business. move!

 won't you turn from the edge @ 1147 cassis - gazette

january 27th

victoria and I are simply amazing. follow the train of thought:

- vicks believes that the picture of harry is of him brushing his teeth
- I said I SWEAR he isn't!
- she says she swears he is, and by the moon and the stars at that
- she starts singing twinkle twinkle little stars thereafter
- and one line says 'how i wonder WHAT you are'
- which reminds us both of the time when somebody on the forum asked WHAT was harry instead of
  who
- and so she said she'll dedicate the song to him
- but she couldn't think of how she could fit him into the lyrics
- so I told her please don't make harry twinkle 
- and suddenly she said OOOH HT! harry tan, harry TWINKLE!
- she proudly proclaimed his new name, harry twinkle chin kwan
- and I burst out laughing this time, because if my transcription is correct, his chinese name is
- 俊光, literally translated as handsome light, and hey hey, harry twinkle!!
- and so she completes the new twinkle little star song
- brush your teeth like harry twinkle

  and your teeth will twinkle
  and people will wonder what they are

there you have it. the ultimate toothpaste advertisement. but you know what I suddenly realised?

he's a smoker, so his teeth can't twinkle. GASP our toothpaste spokesman doesn't fit the bill!! AHAHA!! what a joke this conversation has turned out to be. don't ask how we do it, but we do. in fact I haven't a clue how we get these conversations going. and now neither of us is going to be able to look at stars and toothpaste properly ever again. I'm never going to sing twinkle twinkle little stars without cracking up, and I shall never sing I SWEAR again.

and I think I should stop passing by that holey moley place. I may double up in laughter and proceed to roll down the amazing flights of stairs that follow.

and it's seriously time to sleep. I'm going to die laughing.

won't you turn from the edge @ 0028 1 love - hamasaki ayumi (cool song from her latest album!)

january 26th

I haven't much to say. just some random statements will follow.

- I hate freehand. I had actually forgotten why I hated it, but today I remember.

- thank God for providing yuting to tell me it sucks. and that photoshop can emboss (I hadn't played with that function that way). and the freehand 3D effects are crappy.

- dangly boy is selling his stripey jackets. they're actually from topman. they look awfully zara man.

- I saw jonathan leong in school. his hair's terribly damaged from rebonding, and he's only my height. which is sad for a boy.

- harry's got a display picture for msn that actually displays himself. but I can't figure what the crap he's doing in the picture. tell me if you figure.

- shane's doing his masters with harry. and his paper is on the globalised morality. something tells me that's a dangerous paper.

- my internet connection is a little fuddy today. I hope this page gets uploaded properly. but then again it doesn't look good.

- I'm still wondering if I should have taken nm2208. but it's no longer a choice, is it?

- there was a band playing jj's cao cao at yih today. yuting should have gone to kill the vocalist. he sounded like he was getting killed anyway.

- hana yori dango episode 3 full english subtitles SARS version is out, but downloading darn slowly. or at least it's going to take another 3 hours or something, which I can't afford at this hour. and it seems to be getting rather dramatic.

- and I should be going to bed if I want to wake up early tomorrow to meet trace. in fact I don't even know if she's going tomorrow. but I suppose that's not supposed to be the point.

- and it totally blows my mind as to the way the soci deparment is staffed. sheela and eugene are teaching assistants in their own right, but they're still considered graduate students with an email that's g06xxxxx. and then harry and shane are both masters students at the same time, but harry's email is soctckh@nus.edu.sg and shane's is shane@nus.edu.sg. yes I understand that outlook express allows us to change that, but the tutors too huh. and the funniest part? shane isn't part of the teaching staff list either, while vicky's deviance tutor is listed properly as a teacher even though she graduated with my sister, which is june 2006.

- I'm beyond making sense of things. goodnight.

won't you turn from the edge @ 0056 last song - gackt

january 25th

today's date is terribly familiar. as usual. dates ring in my head for no rhyme or reason. or at least it usually seems familiar because of some odd obscure reason. seldom because it's some important date or some birthday or something along those lines.

just downloaded a file from ivle. my first home assignment from nm2102. it's worth 5 marks, and if you submit it late, it's a deduction of 30% from your marks. yeah that's a total of 1.5 marks. quite a lot okay! AHAHA. not that I'm not going to take 5 little marks seriously, but it's just that somehow I dislike assignments with such small percentage of marks, to the point where you wonder why you're doing all that work for after a while.

but then again, it's not supposed to be a lot of work. if you've been listening hard enough and understanding what dr chung's been saying, all this assignment takes is some time to select articles, read through them carefully and pick out stuff. that's not meant to be too difficult. it's just that lazy bummers aka procastinators like me who don't have patience to read stuff like scholarly journals is just going to die. but then I should spank myself and do work.

as usual, I'm always ready to spank myself. but I do so when it's nearly too late. sigh.

and you know if I fail at my studies, I think I should be a stalker. I mean, a private eye of sorts. AHAHA. I dig the weirdest things out.

and now I'm back on the suicide track. it's so scary. an average of 30,000 people kill themselves in japan annually. and by this number I'm assuming it's the numbers who are dead, because those who survived probably aren't counted. which is even worse, really, because that means that the actual numbers of people who take a stab at death is terribly high. 2003 had a record of 34,427 suicides. and the craziest part?

a lot of them are dying from making internet suicide pacts. yes you didn't read that wrongly. people from all over japan are meeting online and deciding to die. they'll arrange a place and method to die and then they'll get it over and done with. does it really boil down to honour? are they sort of altruistic in nature, that by their deaths their family will be spared the shame? or is it actually an egoistic suicide, that they want to escape reality and think that death shall solve that problem? or what are these people looking for in internet suicide pacts? how the heck do you start a conversation with somebody online asking if they want to die together with you?!

I don't know man, but it's happening.

"Japanese see suicide as tragic, yet beautiful or somehow sincere,'' said Usui, adding that was perhaps why so many used charcoal to die. Through Internet chat sites, "young Japanese have learned asphyxia doesn't damage the body, he said. "They think it allows them to die beautifully.''

I don't believe this man. that's...crazy. the earlier paragraph talks about the 47 samurai committing mass suicide, but actually that only happened because they were supposed to be executed, but in the end they were allowed to commit seppuku instead, resulting in a mass suicide per se. and it's madness to decide to die by asphyxiation just because you don't want to die in an ugly mess. oh like seppuku was pretty.

and in case you were wondering, yes most of these group suicide people decide to burn charcoal in little stoves inside a car completely sealed with insulating tape. it gives me the creeps thinking about it. and it really stinks. plus I don't want to die. or rather, I don't want to kill myself. it's madness. I remember my sis saying something about suicidal people are actually mentally ill somewhere. nobody in the right mind, literally, would want to kill themselves, because everyone of us is equipped with a survival instinct.

and I think I should stop reading, just like the last time, and print notes, go to sleep. but first:

dear God

it's awfully scary how much has happened over these few years through the world. suicide pacts are terrible. and honestly suicide in general is horrid to begin with. I don't know how people do it, and a lot of it reminds of when hide killed himself and then 4 girls went to try. and then people decide to kill themselves over strangely small things. and it's completely not worth it.

have we brought this upon ourselves? that the sinful depraved minds of people have come full circle? how lonely these people must be, trying to find people to die with them even. they cannot even die alone. that they go to chatrooms and find others who desire to end their lives, and want to do it together, because they feel that it's easier to leave this world with a bunch of people.

but humans do not decide when we ought to die. we did not decide when we were to be born, where we were to be born, or how either. thus we do not decide on death either. and we ought to cherish the lives that our Creator has given us so graciously and not take it this way. God I pray, tonight I pray that You'll do something. I don't know what, and I can't really think of anything but my Lord above can do anything and everything.

I believe in that. it's been a depressing night, somewhat. but I am glad that my Father in heaven has given me enough strength to press through these and to understand that I am more fortunate than I ever thought I was.

goodnight then, God.

in Jesus' name I pray, amen.

oh oh and thank You God that I've become less and less and VERY MUCH less emo this past year. and thanks for seeing me through the emo years. =)

to my readers: yes I know I'm not the particularly emo type thus far, but then again, how many really know me anyway? I'm seemingly open yet not. but it doesn't matter if you know. because it's more important that my God knows.

won't you turn from the edge @ 0043 butterfly - koda kumi

january 23rd

finally the long awaited tutorial presentation nonsense is done. it's not that bad really. everybody else is as bad. AHAHA. oops. my insecurities present themselves again. but seriously, I think my class began to warm up after like 5 people and then it felt a lot more better. we're a bunch of rather open people who are willing to laugh and talk and comment sensibly, albeit a little dodgy and having some violent tendencies.

and so on friday I shall troop down to as7 during my break and hopefully there's no class in there so that I can use that cool drawing board thing. I was hoping that they had something like that. and they do! it's a pretty big one too. so that's rather good. I hope that the pen sensitivity is enough to go through my sketchbook paper, because I want to trace my drawing. I'm not going to draw that all over again, and I don't really think drawing on that touchpad thingy is the same as drawing on paper, because there is a difference when you use a pencil and draw on paper, and when you draw on the pad on the table and it appears on the computer. it's just kinda odd somehow.

but I don't care. I'm so using it. I can't use a mouse and draw! it's UGLY. it's so incredibly ugly I can't believe I even tried. heh. hmmm just checked my timetable. my laj tutorial is at 2-3pm. which means that I'll probably go to the lab after 3. 12-2 is my eating time. and YES I kinda take that long to eat.

beyond all that. I dumped all my soci stuffs on crystal this morning. but before doing that, I decided to be kind to myself and check whether crystal's readings contain everything I have, in case I could remove some unnecessary chapters and then the stupid file wouldn't be so heavy. and so I went to look for the module page and clicked on it. I scrolled down, when something caught my eye.

in case you're colour blind. the last name. it's harry. IT'S HARRY. AHAHA. like why am I so excited. I don't know either. but the moment I saw that name I stopped scrolling down. but I suppose it makes sense to place him back in sc1101e, since he's taught it before. I suppose after teaching gek1005 and sc1101e for the past couple of semesters he wanted to try something new with sc2206, but unfortunate things happen like that.

and so I told crystal that IT'S HARRY. and she was like SQUEE! and then after a while we were both squeeing via sms. don't ask how we did that. and then the funniest part was that I said my handphone dictionary is such that the word 'happy' is the option before 'harry', to which crystal replied that her phone works the same way and thought it funny.

but you know what? we both use nokia phones. DUH it's the same.

unless you have some strange word inside that's spelt oddly and lands alphabetically between happy and harry. nokia phones arrange their options generally by what they think you'd use the most, and then the rest by alphabetical order. so happy comes before harry.

AHAHA. oh well, good luck crystal. but don't hope too hard. the higher the hopes, the greater the disappointment. but it's still nice to know he'll be hanging around the lt. but no I'm crazy enough to wake up 2 hours earlier to crash sc1101e. I'm not that mad. I think. AHAHA. nah when it concerns my beauty sleep you can forget about it. if sc1101e were in my free time during the day when I'm already in school, I'll certainly crash.

and the ssa bunch looks like a bunch of nonsense people. daniel and shane are clowns, alex is the biggest clown, and then sheela looks bimboish, and only noorman looks okay. if ssa1201 were about singapore culture harry might take it.

but then again, what crap culture do we even have?!

none, I suppose.

but that is a topic I don't want to venture today. I personally think that while it's fun to read how people diss singapore, I'm interested in writing about my dissing. I'll diss it verbally when I need to, but not here. unless it makes me so irritated that I need to let it out this way. this is my more emo place, my more egocentric area. where the world revolves about myself. I suppose I feed myself this way, really.

and I'm oddly hungry. and a little tired. sleepy? I'm not really sure actually. perhaps I should try researching on some js project stuffs. japanese monsters. AHAHA. crystal was thinking along the lines of godzilla and then kur and I went talking about pokemon, pikuchu versus jiggly puff. AHAHA what a laugh. but honestly that topic isn't too bad, because the japanese have always had some fascination for some created thing or another. from pikachu to godzilla to shiro manju mokona to doraemon.

but morbid me always strikes. I still wonder about their fascination with suicide. I'm not fascinated by suicide, but I've always wondered about their sense of life and death. in the past it was pushed by an attempt to keep their honour, swearing by obligation, or giri. but then now the idea of shinjuu appeared, and that it is rather prevalent that they'd go to some big city as a couple to try to fulfil their dreams of making good money, and then when the societal pressures hit they buckle and decide to commit suicide TOGETHER. like what is that?

The word shinjuu originally referred to the mutual suicide of a pair of lovers unable to marry, and this was an important and well-loved theme of many traditional Kabuki and puppet plays. In modern times, however, the meaning of the word has expanded to include cases where, because of financial difficulties or sickness, a whole family commits suicide (ikka shinjuu); or where a rejected lover kills the object of his or her love and then commits suicide (muri shinjuu); or where a parent with a mentally or physically handicapped child kills the child and then commits suicide (oyako shinjuu). The word shinjuu derives from the term shinjuudate, connoting a demonstration of sincerity, e.g., the practice in which a courtesan or other lady would cut off her hair and tear out her nails and send these to her true lover as a sign of fidelity. Lovers would sometimes resort to demonstrating the sincerity of their love to the outside world by committing suicide together.

ripped from here.

okay I didn't know there were so many shinjuus. the one I know is ikka shinjuu I suppose. and there's the kabuki play in the central library! as usual, the central library has tonnes of strange things.

and I've read too much about weird suicides. should stop. and go to bed. now.

won't you turn from the edge @ 0047 la la la love song - boa feat. soul'd out

january 22nd

lazy me is procastinating AGAIN. as usual, right? but I'm really putting this off too long. but I'm really lazy too. WAILETH. yes it's that nm2208 that I'm beginning to wonder why I bothered in the first place. I'd rather write more hiragana than do this. okay actually I'm fine with having to draw and all, but my brain can't squeeze very much of myself. and this topic sucks. so much for it being the easiest. it's kinda open, but I'm not really happy about open topics sometimes. well at least I sketched a lot more this morning. better than nothing. and then I realised it's supposed to be 4 sketches each, total 8. not 8 each, which makes hell lot of difference. but then again, cheato me only sketched 7 in school, even though I did think it was 8. whatever.

and then now I must take 1 and develop it into 2. my poor brain. but do it I must. in fact the newspaper one is easier. so I should stop typing here and get moving.

but I lazy.

and somehow I can't stop laughing (and can't stop reading) at crystal's account of her ssa manual tutorial registration process. I'm wondering, what the heck would she have done if harry were there. AHAHA. and then kurseth thought she was confirming the room's unit number because she forgot and just wanted to make sure they weren't going to like intrude on the wrong tutors. but noooo little did poor dear kur know that crys was only in shock at the names on the door. which I would be too, really.

and seems like they cleared the alcohol. perhaps they just took stock of all the alcohol for 2006 and said OKAYS we will set a new record for 2007!! and then there goes harry off with his car to get more liquor. AHAHA. I think I'm catching some conversation/story making skills from crystal. which is not good, really. heh. whatever.

and kurseth mentioned a scented candle in the middle. in the middle where? I don't get it till now. the room is so small anyway. it's like:

candle in the middle?! like where?! between 2 chairs on the floor?! that can't be. and all the liquor bottles were in a mess on top of both fridges, as well as the pretty rows on the top of shelf 1. and then that time when I went for consultation I left my pasta on shelf 2, which is apparently daniel's shelf, since harry's stuff is all on shelf 1 (but the bottles are shared, I assume) and then dan came back and was like squee food! AHAHA. and then I promptly announced that the food belonged to ME and daniel's disappointed face ignited this OH MAN smile on harry's face. ahaha.

and they have like 4-5 chairs inside that puny place. I don't know how they did it. and half the chairs are kinda spoilt. wonder what they do in there. AHAHA. poor kurseth. I think she's going half crazy with crystal and I with our YAY for GAYNESS.

but then again, they need the chairs for all their nonsense. I don't know why they don't use the freaking shelves. there's space, really. but nooooo, they dump files on the chairs, dump folders, papers, blah. even one pile of clothes that time. harry was like UH oops sorry let me clear this mess hurrmph half of them not mine blah blah don't know what he was muttering.

bah those were the stupid days from last sem. still funny. still amazingly hilarious.

and then I have this odd feeling that my tutorial slot is taken by the lecturer himself. since I'm assuming the noorman guy is harmless, and the 2 graduate students shouldn't be a problem, the only one they would bother laughing seekritly amongst themselves would actually only be the lecturer. and if that really happens, I'm going to keeel crystal for even having that idea pop in my head. although it's true I don't mind him, because I think actually he's quite interesting after all, but tutorials? I'm not so sure about that.

and random guy behind crystal is called shane pereira. another pereira. and they laugh too hard with one another sometimes. oh whatever.

it's REALLY time to do nm stuffs. I have like 45 minutes to pump out 4 drawings. and like how am I going to do that? still have to do, right? that's what deadlines do to people, my buddy. deadlines push people beyond what they've ever imagined they could do. and deadlines force people to realise that reality is REAL for crying out loud and that there are many things to be done that must be done and that once you've embarked on something, there is little chance of turning back. so instead of wailing about why you've gone on this irreversible route of life, just get the hell moving and shift your arse.

splendid. now to get to work.

won't you turn from the edge @ 2315 cassis - gazette

january 21st

by victoria's odd demand, I'm here to update.

but then again, I'm rather lazy to do so. I don't really remember what's been happening. other than today. but I don't want to ramble about today. in fact I don't want to ramble about anything. and actually I'm tired and sleepy and I ought to go to bed because I've got school from 0900-1800h tomorrow. which sucks. but I half want to watch nlsg, half want to dry my hair and sleep.

wails.

and I failed to find a nice bag. they were either too small, too weird, too many pockets, too ugly a colour, too whatever. basically they were all kinda wrong. and so many of them were of that ugly plastic material that I simply can't stand. and some of the nicer and useful ones are super duper common. somebody might pick your bag up thinking it's hers.

okay maybe I'm just too picky.

but then again, I love being picky. hurrmph. yes I know vicky's supposed to be the picky one, but yes I am too. especially when it comes to things like that. I'm not super stingy anymore, but I don't just spend on anything anytime either. but I really liked that smiley bag. even though I don't need one at all. and I liked the white version, so that means it's gonna get real dirty.

bah it doesn't matter. I'm back from running through humid and crowded bugis street which makes me go round and round in circles and the stupid chinese new year music doesn't help. and there was this bag shop we walked into which was playing incredibly loud and bassy techno music and the guy attendant looked kinda weird. sheesh. and he was like gleefully looking at how we all looked mortified by the horrid music, and absolutely refused to do anything about the music even though we were proclaiming rather loudly that the music's too loud and it's hurting our ears.

we just walked out anyway.

and I'm amazed at how gordon at jrocknyc can just continue his ogling days without getting a good bash from his wife. and his wife is japanese, at that. power. but perhaps that IS why. but since she gets to marry a gaijin, something must be going on there. whatever. not my business anyway.

and I suppose I shall leave the nlsg for another day. and the backstage file is spoilt! I'm rather upset, but never mind. the concert's cool, really. kinda heard 3.5 songs and it's lookin' good. the quality's pretty much alright. not fantastic dvd sort but eh good enough. it's a rip burn whatever you want to call it after all.

and you know I'm going to have 1.8gb of ayumi pictures in my hard disk soon. and I don't know after a while why I did that. I think the last file I found was like 400mb and I was going to barf from all that. but that file didn't work, so when I found this one, I decided to take it. it came in parts, after all. 7 parts, to be exact. and erm, yes, it's a total of about 1.8gb. each part is like 200+mb. gosh, right?

but I guess that's one of my oddities when it comes to j-music. for all my love of jrock, I like ayumi too. the amuro namie and the utada hikaru and the whatever whoever didn't stick. I like koda kumi's hit songs, so I took the best compilation. same with boa. fullstop. angela aki and love psychedelico is nice once in a while, or when I'm in the mood to listen to them loads.

but I just like ayumi. I must be a little badly wired somewhere...

tutorials are starting tomorrow. and that kinda sucks. and I need to carry a lot of things to school tomorrow. I'm going to die from the weight on my brain soon. STOP PROCASTINATING! that doesn't really work, all those caps, but heck. I need something to remind me. the reason why I'm always feeling half burdened to death is because I'm such a procastinator.

perhaps I shouldn't embark on the interactive media route anymore. I seem to be simply too lazy to do all this shit. but then again, I should discipline myself, and spank myself to do stuff. but it's so hard, and I'm so lazy. and it's accumulated over all these years. WAIL.

and no, it's not going to help if crystal's going to major in nm as well. she's just as bad.

and we're going to do js project together. and I think kurseth's going to join us. most probably, I assume. and then she's going to have to kick us both to start work because she's not going to do everything all by herself. she'll kill us.

oh no if she kills us then she'll really have to do the work herself. AHAHA. I'm beginning to talk nonsense, which means that I ought to sleep. and stop staring at the nlsg dvd in front of me, sitting on my hiragana homework which I spent so much effort on because the more I wrote, the uglier my japanese characters became. sigh.

sleep! don't procastinate that, or you'll regret it tomorrow (because it's such a long day tomorrow).

won't you turn from the edge @ 0048 silly god disco - gazette (it's playing in my head only, though)

january 17th

just watched 'one last dance' with vicks just now. I don't really know why some reviewers slammed it so badly (because I did like it really) but I suppose every person fancies different types of movies and everybody looks for something different in a movie.

but indeed, when family is yellow, and work is red, what happens on the border of them both, where it's orange? not so much when they meet, but on the border, where you try to change sides everyday between your side and another side, making yourself the very reason why the two sides connect in the very first place.

very interesting show which places the phrase 'shot yourself in the foot' in a very appropriate place.

走到尽头，却又回到原点。

because the killer has forced himself into a circumstance he knows that may very well kill him, and although this idea of falling into weakness and landing into a lot of shit for it is a rather cliched story line of sorts, when it concerns people's lives including your own, you wonder if the shit's worth it.

but beyond the emotional struggles through the show and the confusion with each killing, I'm still wondering what on earth is tatat. why on earth does it come in suitcases?! was it valuable enough for ko to decide to keep some? was it his fault that the story came full circle? or what would have happened if t didn't kill those people?

perhaps if they did their homework on their victims they wouldn't have ended this way.

I suppose there are many things in life which are like that. many a time you sit down and wonder how things happened to you this way, and then you find that at the end of it all, you realise that you're the starting point. and then you wonder if all that's happened, all that you've made an effort in planning and executing has made anything you wanted really happen. we are futile like this you know, that sometimes we try to take things into our own hands and decide how we want things to go. but things don't always go as we wish, and sometimes we foil our own plans through funny little weaknesses we mightn't even know existed.

你以为死蛇最糟糕的吗？人生最糟糕的是脆弱。每当因为一时脆弱而出卖自己或别人，把自己逼进困境，生不如死，

那你会怎样呢？难道就当成什么都没发生过？那也不可能。所以说，感情用事是一种自杀的作人计划，

可是问题是人类就是这样。莫非你半点感情，半点怜悯也没有，不然全世界的人都有一些脆弱，

都有他生命中一部分是不能征服的。

and I suppose I ought to be doing what I should be doing now. but first, a new layout for february is done, based on this movie. time to practice my blending, since I've been doing rather cut and paste-ish things. heh. but still, as much as I wanted to grunge this one, I didn't in the end because I thought it'd turn out just like the one for this month. that's grunged pretty much. but I didn't want to dirty uruha's face, and there's more to the movie than dead bodies. so here we are:

但愿你永远都无法明白。

won't you turn from the edge @ 1805

january 16th

today is terence and samuel's birthdays. and I didn't bother. AHAHA. oops. in fact I just found out it's terence's birthday today, and then aileen and I totally forgot about sam. oh never mind. both sides have more than enough people remembering. I hope. and I hope it's the right people who remembered, if you know what I mean.

and then I'm hoping that my zetsu will finally complete. it got stuck earlier today, and I was horribly sad. because it was supposed to like finish by like evening, but it got stuck and so I had to restart the download just now. man. and I like that song so much. the lyrics are a little AHEM but that's to be expected after all. what did you expect out of jrockers? oddly not all have really turned out angsty and all. then again, who on earth decided that rockers, in general, shall be angsty? it's somewhat funny, because anybody on earth can be angsty, rock or not. I don't know how the line between rock and angry lyrics were drawn together. but they are. and it doesn't help that the rock world does conform somewhat to this stereotype most of the time.

and I suddenly think of last night (I think?) when vicks asked me about muse. because fuzzy asked her if she wanted to go watch them. and I was so amused, because vicks and rock music is no go. no lines at all. she's the simple pop laid back music sort. the noisiest it gets is like a bit rap and stuff like that, no rock. she likes rocks, but that's another matter altogether. crys told me the tickets are like 95 bucks, and vicks was like immediate NO. AHAHA.

which is why I want to run to japan and watch a concert. it's stinking cheap over there, really. the ticket prices are like 5000++ yen, which is only like 75-80 bucks. that sort of thing. which is really not all that bad, considering that over here the prices rocket to like almost 500 bucks for some guy coming really soon...ahem. I wouldn't pay that sort of money. I'd rather use that and fly to japan and get myself into some autograph session. up close and personal! squee! can't imagine if like diru or gazette or alice nine popped by like junction 8 for an autograph session. AHAHA. sounds hilarious, actually. very hilarious.

AHHHHHH the PV finished! yays! haha. goes to watch it.

their zetsu costumes are...hmmm. ruki looks like he's wearing cool flame patterned pyjamas, aoi's got the wrong suit size (the shirt is buttoned too high and the jacket's too small), reita went through the jungle before arriving (it's utterly ripped at the side) and uruha is...o_O. this must be the least uruha has ever worn. or not worn. AHAHA. I mean, midriff sleeveless vest, hot shorts and super high boots? and it's metallic purple at that!

oh wrong wrong. they're not hot shorts. it's weird pants. one leg is full length, the other leg is cut 1/4 way to look like hot shorts from that side. hmmm. so that means later they cut the other leg and gave it to the top, and voila! silly god disco's costume!

and if you were wondering about kai, he's not spared either. he's wearing some sleeveless top and and a short fat tie. now that's weird. I don't know what he's wearing below (that's the thing about drummers). okay that sounded a little wrong but heck.

just watched a little of silly god disco. I really think they did that to poor uruha. as aural candy says:

(about the new pictures for the upcoming single release in february) Uruha has returned to showing off his thighs. Poor man, even though he doesn't like exposing so much of his legs, he's pressured into dressing that way anyway because he has to meet fangirls' expectations.

AHAHA. how unfortunate of uruha. but you know what, I think aoi's figure fits a girl better than uruha so they should make him do that. but that's not aoi, I suppose. uruha is more...hmmm. more..I don't know how to put this. but I suppose the dressing is uruha's style, even though aoi's physical self fits it better.

and I think I should sleep. my butt hurts already, for various reasons. and I need to wake up early tomorrow morning. first to fight cors, next to see vicks and into princess I go once more to watch one last dance, which may very well be the last movie of the sem. unless something suddenly pops out of nowhere. the next movie in my schedule is spiderman 3 already, which is released in may. so there. and I shall sleep.

won't you turn from the edge @ 2333 merosu - FLOW (they're quite nice. I'm glad I took the file)

january 15th

I'm long done with the lj post. but you know, everybody got so distracted by my singaporean only part that nobody's remembered I wanted tomoyasu hotei. how upsetting. so it'll take me another post, I assume. but it doesn't matter. reuse bribes! yes they call them bribes, much to the amusement of my own sister.

and vicky's readings are so ridiculous, it's hilarious. I shan't extrapolate here but it's terrible. but still funny. it's incredible how people can read between too many lines when they want to, and decide to take all thing literally and superficially when they want to. all because they wish to warpedly support their own take on several issues and then it turns out all wrong.

which is why we all shouldn't study sociology.

AHAHA. but seriously man. it's bad for your brain. very bad. and very bad for your faith. and many a time we say what's the world coming to? and actually the answer's rather simple.

the world's coming to AN END.

fantastic right? perhaps you're wondering what sort of strange mood I'm in right now, starting with a rather normal introduction, talking a little more seriously, then suddenly turning apocalyptic. oh well. but I'm not in such a mood to really talk about all this right now. I think somehow somewhere deep inside us we can tell the world's getting from bad to worse, and sometimes we wonder when is it all going to end. but of course, the Christians know that it's going to get worse. so although we're almost there, it's not quite going to end on us. not quite yet, I suppose. but you'll never know, because Christ is going to come again, and He'll be here like a thief in the night, and you wouldn't know.

I think we've never really experienced something suddenly coming. everything's been forewarned. even fire drills. man. I guess some of us have, but not many. the only sudden thing is probably an extra test or some strange project. everything else is happily planned and executed.

ah well. such is the singaporean life.

and you know the sky's darkening again. fantastic. as much as rainy weather is good and cool, I don't know if I want to see the water falling from the sky or the powerful sun rays. I suppose the weak sun rays that prevent the clouds from getting too heavy is the best. the powerful sun rays are only causing convectional rain and that sucks too.

oh never mind the geography. I'm feeling rather tired. and a little waily considering that I only have one class today. and thereafter if I get the right timetable I 'want', then I'll have to go to school for just one class on tuesday. but whatever. I have this feeling that the sole class on tuesday will be draining enough, really. and after that I have to like touch up on it for final submission and then I have to do readings and things like that for the TB tutorial the next day. so it isn't such a bad idea to throw me out of my bed earlier in the morning and kick my butt to school for one lesson. at least I get out of bed and start work earlier. otherwise I'll get stuck at home and start work only after lunch and slacking, which means like 3pm. heh. I'm such a slacker.

which is why I fancied mark's shirt yesterday. something about sleep more and work less. and then the back has a bed, and beneath it says PLAIN LAZY. heh. which is true. although mark insisted that the shirt suits matthias more anytime but whatever.

and now it's time for lunch!

won't you turn from the edge @ 1302 zetsu - gazette (I'm just hooked on this song. I don't know why either.)

january 12th

I'm here because I'm rather bored. I'm waiting for this last batch of uploads then I'll go bomb the lj already. rather tired. anyway I'm willing to trade (if you don't already have all this stuff in the first place) and so I don't see why I should upload so much. hee. but it's good to upload all this on megaupload. then the links don't expire, and you can reuse them! pretend you uploaded! ahaha evil leecher me, right? but whenever I post I always upload new bribes anyway, so actually I'm rather nice. teehee.

gah it's still 43.9%. perhaps I should formulate my post, so that I don't leave out anything. there's always autosave draft anyway. that's the reason why I love lj. heh. *goes*

okays kinda done. I uploaded everything and cleared up my post a little. then now I'm uploading the full album zips. which is going to take 2 million years, actually, but I call it long term investment. then I won't have to go through so much of this. I upload the amount in accordance to what I want, so next time if I want less I'll just reuse a couple of links.

and then today had the nm2102 lecture. dr chung's lovely still, and terribly pleasant, but she's still got that wonderful voice that sends you off to sleep and 2102 isn't the most interesting module either. and then huiling's appeared again, and the malaysian girl. and I'm assuming like 100% of us are year 1s and like 80% of the class are freshmen.

and actually I ought to be changing and sleep. and I forgot to arrange the time with trace now that there's no spa tomorrow. hmmmmm.

I hate the sound of sloshy cars through the rain. that's why I never understood why my parents love opening the window in the room. not just them really. but whatever. I hate opening the window. the noise is disgustingly hateful. and then I can't hear my itunes. hurrmph. the wind's good, but my fan is good enough, really.

off to bathe. seriously late.

won't you turn from the edge @ 2344 come with me - koda kumi

january 11th

the rain in spain stays mainly in the plane. I used to sing that phrase (thanks to excessive watching of my fair lady, obviously) without realising it didn't make sense. but of course, the rain can't be in the plane. and worse still, the rain's back over here right now. I think it's still raining. not pouring anymore, but still raining. leaving us all soaked and upset, unfortunately. stepping off the bus just now proved to be the worst choice I ever made this year. well not really much of a choice. I didn't want to land up in sengkang only to take another bus back in the never stopping rain. that's stupidity. and I don't want to be stupid. I am not stupid, rather.

as I described to vicks, it was wet rice cultivation at the bus stop (of course it wasn't like thigh high or something like that but it just covered the grass such that only the tips stuck out), and then walking past the canal, I watched the water levels rise, and the murky water lash like the yellow river threatening to overflow and flood the lands, and then a mini waterfall into from the subsidiary to the main ocean. or basically, small drain to big drain.

isn't it easier to talk in simple terms.

beyond all that. vicks informed me that a soci lecturer passed away on tuesday from a heart attack. he was only 54. not terribly young, but nothing old either. buddy's eyes popped out when I said he passed away. he lectured ssa1201 last sem. he had his attack during consultation with honour thesis students. poor kids. daniel has a lovely picture of the man on his blog. and then vicky tells me also that he was supposed to be the lecturer for sc2206. the little lecture group on culture led by him and harry. I hear it is to be cancelled, the module, and I suppose some discussions may explain harry's suddenly perpetual online presence.

but getting off the emo track, japanese class was funny today. I must get my coursepack tomorrow and immerse myself in writing hiragana properly for once. I have been copying printed text, if you wanted to know, and thus quite a bit of strokes aren't quite done as they ought to be. printed fonts are always too fanciful to be learnt from. generally. and I think although his japanese accent is strong (and otsuka sensei is absolutely adorable), at least he talks slow. that indian lecturer (not intended to be racist) has a motormouth though. he's fluent and good in english, speaks really fast, but peppered with a superb indian accent.

and so in the morning I get a rick warren looking scott hislop teaching me yamato to meiji restoration, then eat my lunch, go to sacred cow land and listen to reddy and his design principles, and run to takeda sensei for japanese intake again but this time, real sloooww and steaaaaddyy. fantastic thursdays I have. but guess what? at least no real boring lecturer like that. I'll live.

and tired me should just sleep like now. why did I embark on uploading another file? I barely know myself. I should sleep. seriously. sleep is good for health. very good. oh and I ran into lydia and elene at guardian just now. they were searching for slippers for chee hong. but you know, for all the nifty things guardian sells, they really don't sell slippers. and come to think of it, I doubt they'd find anything near chee hong's foot size from that sort of place. the man probably wears like size 12 or something.

I shall save, upload, print, sleep. my brain ceases to work. oh but just a song.

ah, to the dark frozen ocean
swallowed by the waves of history which wash away

at last the curtain raises
starting a fire in the discord which
accompanies an empty dream.

One day the heart I've lost sight of
the sins I repeatedly leave behind to be forgotten
that fosters into mistakes in this tainted love
construct my paradise with the rubble

forbidden lover...a faint memory
even if I hold them tightly, the colors don't
come together.
I discreetly swear
the end of sweet love is unanticipated mischief.

enclosed by the high burning blaze
my life seized in the overturned boat
frightened eyes looking up toward heaven
screaming the name of god.

my heart being blown up high into the sky
it spun wildly higher than my worst dreams
liberating my feelings for you
this brightness set free to far off lands
in a brand new country
the day will at last come
that I will go down the same path again, won't I.

which is why, somehow I love this song for more than the heartbreaking melody line that ken has written. hyde does some of these wonders amidst his usual love songs. that's forbidden lover by l'arc~en~ciel. not that I'm listening to it. but it came to mind. so here we are.

won't you turn from the edge @ 0039 yamenaide, PURE - kinki kids

january 10th

listening to this track that tomoyasu hotei did for anna tsuchiya. and it rocks. it's just that type of squeeing electric guitar hardcore sound with big band brass and crashy drums and good shakin' beat. very nice. not real headbanging, but fantastic for people who like to clap and shake to good music type. and just for the heck of it, ripped from ting:

Your Scholastic Strength Is Deep Thinking

You aren't afraid to delve head first into a difficult subject, with mastery as your goal. You are talented at adapting, motivating others, managing resources, and analyzing risk. You should major in: Philosophy Music Theology Art History Foreign language

ahaha. what can I say? philo's out, music hmmm, theology hmmm, art oh NO not that sort, history NO NO NO I am never touching it, foreign language HMMM! AHAHA. so funny. deep thinking, eh? and I thought I'd chosen a couple of more flippant answers. apparently not. whatever. as vicks and I concluded the other night, deep thinking is good for the soul (somewhat) but not good for the cap score. AHAHA. and then crystal was wailing about derrick getting 4.13. but alas he takes only 4 modules, so that's NOT FAIR! heh. self consolation. my forte.

and right now I'm uploading a whole stinkload of bribes (I hope it stinks enough) in exchange for a few things. heh. because I'm getting greeeedy. AHAHA. okay actually all I wanted was nlsg and psc, but now I'm thinking of taking some tomoyasu hotei (because all his music seems to be rather consistently like the track I heard and I like that style) and so...hee here goes. actually my stinkiest load would be a full dir en grey discography but I don't know if that stinks the right way. heh. but then again, I don't really care.

and actually I wanted to ask for the alicenine. number six movie, but somebody's just asked, so I'm assuming after you finish counting the lj members' sleep eat and school, the upload or some form of links should appear. it's on spikie girl's community but I don't fancy downloading from megaupload. it's fantastic with uploading (look at mine go), but downloading is a tad slow.

nus and their funny mails from OSA. they like having funny workshops like these -- the art of making great impression. AHAHA my goodness. indeed first impressions count a lot, and great impressions must be something simply fantastic to have when you do business and presentations and the like. but I am one who doesn't take a fancy to impressions. I take note of your first impression and treat it as a lie. and then I check your next few impressions and see if you break. if you don't, that's good. because that means you're more open then. more transparent. if you do somewhere somehow, I'm going to continue checking your impressions. and you wouldn't even know.

that's how dangerous I get, I suppose. but perhaps I am too cautious. perhaps. it limits my creativity, my mother says. ah well. the cruelty of the real life of now. or maybe I live in my own world without realising. am I talking nonsense again? perhaps and perhaps not. but I think that I should reorganise and write this part all over again another day. because it is nearly time to leave the house to meet vicks, or I shall be late again and it isn't too pleasant. and the weather does not look particularly to my fancy.

won't you turn from the edge @ 1742

january 9th

right. I suffered from flu yesterday. because there was this tremendous feeling of arthritis running through my body. the body ache, the headache, the incoherence of mind. absolutely influenza. but I still went to meet mae and meida and jo anyway. although I made a rather fatal mistake of buying a can of coke upon reaching school. the lunch made me want to puke, the long journey to school was a terribly long and hot journey, the way up the stairs toward lt 8 was gross and then I happily (okay not really happily) bought a lovely 330ml can of fizzy bubbly coke and stumbled into the lecture theatre, only to seat myself on the extreme right (when crys had told me MIDDLE right already) and plonked myself beside an old friend, chua minrui. I'd spotted her name on the class roster before coming to school already, but hey hey I landed a seat next to her. and then I suppose crys saw me walking zombiefied into the lecture theatre and thus came over to join me in the corner.

and I tell you, my brain was...not working. totally. I was like going huh? at everything crys was saying and I think in the end she gave up. and then I was half falling asleep and totally not appreciating the lousy jokes the lecturer was trying. he's one of those who tries too hard to be funny, and then nobody laughs. but when he's not trying to be funny, everybody laughs. that sort of sad case. I don't know man. weird guy. not horrid though. so whatever. and we had a little morbid documentary on exhumation and he informed us our first tutorial will be about singapore and malaysia and why we didn't remerge. like WHATEVER. my goodness. after a while I began to wonder why I decided to do this. and then that yuen mingde is in the darn class again (he's the amazing philo blog poster from last sem who posted something on nearly every single entry and professed his undying love for philo and wants to major in it blah blah) and then I spotted benson's name too. man the boy is smart. and trying hard to quickly fulfil his requirements I suppose. my guess is that ben didn't do too badly for soci, and decided to just grab this cross fac singapore studies module. after all, if all fails, freaking s/u it then. not too bad an idea, right?

and then I had dinner with the 3 girls. mae produced this powerful medicine from her bag, and I mean it's powerful. I got well in like 1 hour flat. and began talking very normally. I looked like the dead when I first arrived, with my brain nearly dead, my level of comprehension zero, my attention span zero, and had to be half pushed by mae to the place. but her powerful medicine really worked wonders man. and then after we were all done eating and eating (and mae wanted to eat more) jo drove us to the esplanade in her little car. she turned towards the esplanade, and there was a huge bus in the next lane and all of us in the car were like AHHH BUSSS!!! BUSS!!!! it was so funny. as if we'd all never seen a bus. well a huge bus is incredibly intimidating to a small car. my mummy drives the big fat car and she's already scared of the bus. what more jo's little fellow. but then we missed the turning into the carpark and so we had to go back to that same turning, this time without the bus. heh. we stuck around there talking for about an hour plus, and then jo sent us all home. she's going back to london on thursday though.

and at dinner mae asked me if I were upset about jo not calling either of us when she came back, calling only meida. honestly I didn't think much about that. and I just told mae to take some things a little lighter, because sometimes it's not exactly how you think. there's so many other factors to why certain things happen and don't happen. and it only makes you unhappy after all.

oh oh and while waiting for the bus down to meet them, there was this dude who came from engine macs (presumably) with 2 cheeseburgers. he was eating the first one, holding the burger in his left hand and a pack of curry sauce in the other, pouring some sauce in before each huge bite into the poor squished little burger (my mum was like EEEKS curry sauce plus cheeseburger). and we didn't really bother about him. then nina suddenly said HEY he's eating a SECOND burger! we turned and OH MY he really had another burger in hand. and then I just said for fun, hey what if the bus comes now man -- is he going to stuff everything into his mouth then? we were like AHAHA and just then the bus arrived and we boarded. then crys suddenly turned to me and said OEI he really stuffed everything in!!! gosh we all laughed half to death.

just checked the requirements for judith. and realised that the nursing deparment has happily excluded arts students. because...

applicants should also satisfy the subject pre-requisites which require a pass in any two of the following at 'A' Lvel: Biology, Chemistry, Computing, Physics, Physical Science, either Mathematics or Further Mathematics.

how nice. and where the crap are the arts students going to find those subjects? hurrmph. not that I want to be a nurse, but it's just that I suppose there'll probably be people who do, from the arts, and then they can't get in like this.

just to end off, since I've typed rather much today (and my head's not holding up too well again), here's a little tidbit (quite a big potato chip actually) from dr. dan.

Refusal

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

my conclusion? the man thinks too much. yes indeed all things can be contemplated and extrapolated upon if you wish, but there are also many things which need not go through this process because either it is fruitless or it is redundant. but of course, it remains interesting to read about how people think so much about thing, and draw some good observations and arguments on them. however, I'm still not quite in a state to think so much as yet. the body ache may have gone away, but my head, my head...

won't you turn from the edge @ 1603 sumire - gazette

january 8th

haven't updated in quite a while, I see. oh whatever. woke up with a splitting headache, and I don't know if that's because I've been sleeping too much or what. but then again, I was having a slight headache last night already, so I'm not too sure what's wrong now. oh whatever.

and school starts today. and today's joanne's birthday! squee happy birthday! (oh and joel too. twins, you see.) back about school. there aren't notes, and somehow I think I'll be going to school for nearly nothing today. there's only 1 lecture, and it's the first lecture, and it's probably not going to use up the full 2 hours. but then again, I've got crystal to slack and crap with me so it ain't all that bad. I think. then after that I'm supposed to go for steamboat dinner. I hope my head holds up.

and I finally finished watching (and downloading) shimotsuma monogatari! AHAHA the last part is hilarious. especially when momoko suddenly turns into the biker gang girl, calling herself the lolita that's gone berserk. gosh. and the clothing line in the movie seriously exists. and their clothing is also seriously those prices. but I'm not really surprised, considering that japanese stuff isn't the cheapest to begin with, what more designer stuff. but it's not designer enough to be haute couture. the dresses are like S$350-S$500, thereabout. and the shoes are slightly cheaper at like 200 bucks plus. I suppose it's partly due to their buyers. unless you're hardcore, I doubt anybody above 30 is going to wear all this stuff. baby, the stars shine bright is a lolita fashion store.

beyond that. mother isn't back. in fact, I haven't a clue where she's gone either. and it's getting really hot these days. sigh. at this rate even if my head holds up tonight, I'm going to die of heatstroke at the steamboat place. sigh.

and there's this weird pain at the side of my nose. and it sucks. oh whatever. my stomach still feels bloated from all that water I drank. sigh. and I just yawned. but I don't think I should sleep anymore, or I'd really die from a headache. ah wells.

mother's home!

won't you turn from the edge @ 1248

january 5th

somehow this date sounds familiar to me. but I haven't a clue why. as usual, right? heh. bidding's finally done, and I've gotten my original plan. of modules, that is. I had 2 million back up plans from last sem and this sem and never got to use them. not that I want to. but anyway hopefully next sem will be easier than this sem (the nm2208 was a chore and I didn't know whether to drop the 2101 either).

and because wendy's sick, nobody's going to mind cafe tonight. which is a weird thing altogether. I received the message from siok hoon this morning that wendy's sick and so the arrangement tonight was cancelled. so I messaged vicks, and asked why they cancelled the entire thing instead of just cancelling wendy? it was so odd. but then again, somehow I think without wendy it will be vastly different. but then again, I don't mind. because then I won't be so tired tomorrow, and tonight vicks and I are going to watch confession of pain! yays! joanne is going to kill me. haha.

but I need to wait till after the 11th to watch the last dance. hurrmph. but it's okay, there aren't any tutorials in the first 2 weeks of school, so I have more time to watch whatever I want quick. when the tutorials kick in, I'll need to find a way to get all the buckets out of the way, otherwise I really might kick them.

I suppose then, my new year resolution should really be to be a good girl next year, stop slacking and eating and stoning so much and get stuff done earlier. and I tell you, that is the hardest resolution to me. I suppose it ain't the hardest in the world, but it sure is difficult. wail. and I think perhaps I should just go to school every single darn day after all. because after all the bidding and apprehension, the tutorial coordination is going to be even more hellish. to a certain extent, I feel like just signing up for anything I fancy and then don't bother coordinating any stupid tutorial. but it is nice to go for tutorial with people you know. but I suppose I wouldn't bet on coordinating with everyone, because there are too many of us taking js1101e and I don't think we'll all manage the same timeslot considering our rather diverse timetables. but mae and I are going to try very hard to coordinate the 3 tutorials we'll be taking together. gosh. why on earth are there 3?! malay has two, and chinese has 1! hurrmph! *considers malay for a while, then drops it*.

anyway it's all too late, and it's not as if I didn't know that there was going to be multiple tutorials. let's just say that I was asking for it. to a large extent. but I didn't count on them purposely spreading the tutorials out such that all the A tutorials are monday and tuesday, all the B tutorials are wednesday and thursday, and all the C tutorials are on fridays! so smart, right? so if you originally had a free day on friday, sorry man, because there's completely no choice. but then with the little availability of my nm2208 tutorial slots, I have no choice with some arrangements as well. oh wail.

looks like this semester's going to smashing. like total fatigue or something. but then again perhaps not. I don't really know. 2101 sounds like statistics class after a while (we're going to the lab to use spss), and 2208 sounds like graphic design class. no stats class doesn't sound fun (we're going to see hypo testing again. can you believe that?!), but the graphic design class sounds good. no let me qualify my statement. it sounds interesting and fun, but I'm darn sure the workload may kill. and the reason why we don't have an exam on 2208 is because the only way to examine us is to actually throw us all in a comp lab with picture editing program of our choice for 2 hours and see what happens. which is a bit dumb.

laj1201 is supposed to be rather breezy. supposed to be. I hope it doesn't fill my mind constantly and then I start spouting japanese wherever I go. I know that's what happened to some of the students. can hear them everywhere. and it's so obvious that they've just begun learning. oh whatever. and then js1101e is supposed to touch on half of whatever we did in geisha and samurai (at least the eras are the same, and we're not adverse to japanese names anymore. I'm not, really. duh.) and ssa1201 is soci all over again, except in singapore context.

so perhaps I wouldn't die after all. oh gosh. perhaps my attitude needs to be set straight. like how much thinking about how I'm going to die next sem is going to help anything? I don't know man. but you know, some thought needs to be given as to what difficulties may come, because we can't walk into classrooms confidently and say we're all going to make it and then you do something stupid and that's that. I suppose it's our little irony. as much as good attitudes are important, checking for problems are important too. and as much as confidence is important, you might trip and fall. and then you wonder how you managed to make it this far in life, trying to weigh every single darn emotion and degree of paranoia you have.

and then I wonder how I made it this far in life with my negativity, my poor attitude and my worst case scenario instinct. add that to my morbidity, my gothicness, and my love for the weirdest things on earth. then add my distaste for soppy things and cheesiness.

really wonder.

but I have anyway, and the year's going to go on with or without me. and I still don't fancy the song with or without you. then again, u2's not hardcore enough for me. I can't stand that slow rock emo ballad basic rock thing for too long. yes that throws in nearly every single english rock band you can think of. and yes, although linkin park's noisy enough, the speed isn't there. the speed, the speed. I always had an obsession with fast songs. but I hate techno. then again, that's because it's freaking annoying and gives me a headache. so explains. that's why I can't stand slipknot. noisy. but yet I like speed. fassssssst. yays.

I'm going a little cuckoo by myself here really. but silly vicky has told me she's going to be late for dinner, and so I shall stick here for a while more and annoy everybody who actually endures my long long blog entries which remind people distinctly of essays. just short of the double spacing, of course. I HATE double spacing actually, but I do understand their reasons for it. but scribbling in between the lines beats mr wee's comment system thing. yes the comment system rocks in the sense that it's easy to insert a little sidenote here and there, and very highly visible. but I'll never forget yook meng's powerful comments on siok hoon's submission. there were so many comments, they were actually in 2 different colours for better differentiation. goodness. and then we had such trouble trying to click on the correct one, and we had hell trying to delete them all. gosh. I swear he's highly trained in microsoft word. and nothing else but that program.

just discovered a strange shortcut. a shortcut that brings me from the design interface of my dreamweaver to the html interface. ctr-'. like control-aprostrophe?! so weird! it gave me a shock just now. and then I discovered another odd shortcut in my photoshop but now I've forgotten. that gave me another rude shock, because I hadn't a clue what on earth had happened and I didn't like the interface looking like that and so I had to try re-enacting my earlier actions quite a number of times before I actually got it to revert back to however it looked like initially.

it's 1801 and it looks ready to rain. should I just scram out of the house first? early never mind, right? oh bother scram then. go toilet, drink water, take some things, get out. should be right on time. oh gosh better leave now! suddenly dawned on me that it's peak hour. stupid eunos is jammed 24/7 really, but peak hour is worse. and it doesn't seem to matter which direction! so dumb! at least the expressway is only stuck in one direction. stupid eunos and paya lebar road are stuck both ways every single day anytime.

oh go go. oh and uploading this takes time too. heh.

won't you turn from the edge @ 1803 oni no men - gazette

january 4th

watched death note 2 last night. and I have only one thing to say:

最後に、やっぱり最悪は…死神です。

as in seriously. poor light. but I like the part when misa saw light's name, and read it very innocently as yagami...TSUKI? AHAHA. well no one can blame her. who on earth reads that character as raito?! okay fine, his parents. whatever.

went to sam see's house to get the beads stuffs done. gosh. never worked with all those things before. and they were horrified by my good ole pliers and my NAILCLIPPER! AHAHA betcha never knew how horribly dangerous your nailclippers were. they cut wire like nobody's business! even wire like 1mm across! and all the t-pins and stuff! just cannot cut chain. chains require pliers still. but other than that, the good old trusty nailclipper will do the trick. and because my nailclipper is the sort that can store nails inside, the metal doesn't go flying about when you cut it. phew. I'm always so traumatised when the metal goes flying. God knows where it all flies to. I hope nobody like gets poked or anything like that.

and I'm rather sleepy. bid for the last module tomorrow! and guess what? I got the ssa module for a mere 50 points! vicks was cursing. crystal and I were laughing away. it cost 202 points the last semester, and this time it's merely FIFTY points. muahaha. I don't mind. and now because crystal failed to get the gem she wanted, we're both as rich in general accounts (because we've been bidding for the exact same things from there), and we're going to fight for the same modules next sem with the general account! that gem and that IT cross fac. two at one shot, so I finish all my requirements 1 sem earlier than originally planned. I don't mind anyway. because after all those extra requirements, I don't need the general account anymore. might as well spend on 2 next sem, then hopefully I'll be preallocated 2 nm modules next sem, and the last one probably jap 2, which shouldn't cost a bomb, hopefully. because my programme account is getting rather poor, and I don't know if I'm continuing beyond like jap 3 or something because there's always the UE problem, and the 'what if I don't get my preallocation' thing. like this sem. that's where a lot of my points ran to! nm2208! hurrmph.

oh and then I explained the bidding system to auntie christina and sam and jackie and they took it rather horribly. sam was like huh oh my so complicated, while jackie decided that university was difficult and doesn't want to go there. auntie chris took it well until I told her that if we don't fulfil our requirements via this crap system, we don't graduate. she was like

WHAT?! you don't GRADUATE?! why don't you all write to the papers or something?!?!

and I just burst out laughing. like THAT helps. the writing to papers part, that is. all the universities do it this way. bidding occurs across the damn island. write only if you've got something better in mind or if you know of a better system in the first place. after all, cors is

an opportunity to educate you on the need to weigh your options, make decisions and live with the consequences of your actions.  

that's ripped from the main cors website okay. but you know, after all the weighing of pros and cons and finally making decisions which may make or break you, they forgot one more part.

they forgot that this bidding shit tests you on your understanding of the human psyche.

seriously! this stupid bidding system makes you think stuff like 'what would the other people in their homes, sitting at their desks do now, with the bidding stats like this'. something along those lines. and then close bidding is the worst. close bidding is bidding without knowing lowest and highest bid point. so those numbers may suddenly rise like crap and you wouldn't know it. and so you've got to try and think what sort of mentality these people have and throw the points accordingly. it sucks, I tell you. it totally does.

anyway need to sleep. bidding tomorrow AGAIN, and then it's off to mind cafe AGAIN. yes we're headed there once more, this time with an extra kian boon, the tc who came in after us, jinglong, and his girlfriend. a rather weird combination, but oh heck. it's too late for regrets. actually not really, but whatever. time to sleep! like now. gosh. I'm cracking so many bones and joints because of the back breaking beading just now. sigh. but it's fun.

and yes aileen, I'm still the goth girl. will always be.

won't you turn from the edge @ 0113 and she said - l'arc~en~ciel

january 2nd

I'm bored. heh. seriously. but then again, actually I'm thinking about my next layout. I think it'll be reita next. but I don't know if I should use filth in the beauty or something else. I've gotten a couple of translations, including a rather nice one, which is regret, and then I always had reila in mind. it's a bad pun really, calling out reiTa instead of reiLa. heh. whatever. but I do want the full translation of filth in the beauty. but the subbed PV is too blur on youtube...I can't see anything out of that. the romaji subs are freaking big and clear, because I suspect somebody else did it....there's a romaji sub only version after all. but the translation subs at the top are too small and unclear to be made out properly. hurrmph.

and speaking of PVs, I downloaded 2 more. I took cassis and reila. two nice and slow songs. okay fine they're not particularly slow but hey slow enough for me to look that them! and I found out that cassis is the era where I liked the costumes best! heh I don't follow gazette closely enough to match their costumes with which era. and since I downloaded all the music at one shot, I haven't a clue which track belongs to what album and which year and the order of release.

digress. exist trace makes weird and eerie music. and the vocalist really sounds odd.

back on track. I love the cassis PV! wee! and reila's so sad! okay not really. it's quite typically sad, in that sense. but I like the song.

just watched the opening of nameless liberty six guns. I suddenly want to watch that concert. I wasn't interested in gazette besides the music. then suddenly I was into them. then the PVs. and now the concerts. DIE!!!!!! but seriously. if I can I'll get somebody in singapore to burn a copy of the psc tour AND nlsg tour. that'll be fantastic. absolutely fantabulous.

and I shall sleep after the last youtube clip. I attempted talk with the boy again. fail. I wish for something to happen. but I don't know why I wish what I wish. which is why I'm going out with vicks to evaluate all our 2006 shit. all the shit. it's a lot, I understand. we're so buried. at least I am. I assume she is too. or perhaps misery loves company.

oh what the shit.

won't you turn from the edge @ 0104

january 1st

allllllllright! I love this layout. unfortunate for the grey box behind. well that can't be helped when atspace is insistent on not allowing pictures. or at least, the hosting of pictures is a little wonky. oh whatever you wouldn't understand without my full explanation I suppose.

happy new year to everybody though. nearly forgot about that. just excited about changing to this new layout. hee. I likey it much. and it's RUKI! and I downloaded 2 high quality PVs of gazette. I didn't want to download PVs anymore really (unless they're really nice) because I found that I prefer talkshows and concerts and stuff like that. especially PVs of fast songs and then the camera shifts so fast I can't see anything then it defeats the purpose. after all, PVs are all about looking at the artistes. but in any case I insisted on silly god disco (because it's gazette in WAITER COSTUMES!) and filth in the beauty. filth in the beauty because the song ROCKS and that they all look good. I like that single's image and costumes. hyena's looks good too. but that's slated for february release, and I shall wait. WEE! I likey gazette more and more. AHAHA.

and speaking of filth in the beauty, I finished shusaku endo's scandal. literally, the reversed side of beauty -- dyed by beloved filth; sexual disgrace. difficult book when it gets to the end, and honestly I don't really understand the last part. the story per se is understandable, and twisted and disturbing along the way, but well. I always seem to pick up the weirdest books. besides being interested in its weirdness to begin with. like I told my buddy, my recommended movies are seldom anything healthy. I have a few healthy ones like nana, and even sekai chuu. but most I liked to watch or wanted to watch all this time are a little screwed somewhere somehow. I don't even know how I turned out that way actually. it's rather hmmm.

but it is true after all. we may not be real schizophrenics (I remember I first learnt this word in upper sec, from kaiting. don't ask why I actually remember that), but there's always a few faces that we have. the face for the outside, the face on the inside. our outer sphere and our inner sphere. it's not that there's really a doppelganger (I remember that from philo class, but I forget the context), but somehow we're all somewhat split persons.

and somehow I'm unable to type a lot. there was a lot in my brain just now, all between filth in the beauty and scandal, but somehow it doesn't come out properly. but I suppose I don't type very coherently when I let my thought floods out. I know it's difficult to follow my train of thought when I do that sort of thing. because my thought floods are exactly what is difficult about my entries.

but then again, today is bad partly because I'm half typing and on the phone and on msn and trying to complete that documentation. so I shall stop here. I'm sleepy too.

won't you turn from the edge @ 0138 fantasy - alice nine