本当にバカな。

桃花姫かけると、うちの脳も全然何も思わない。全然。ない。あいつはどうして学校にいる？でも理由は大切じゃない。知りたくないん。

うちはこの人は忘れたと思った。実は何も忘れられない。この感じは・・・戸惑い？分からない。うちの心は本当に難しい物なぁ。でも真実の問題はこれだ：どうしてこの感じがある？この感じは恋か？いいえ。恋じゃない。それで、何の感じ？知らない。

あの時、心はドキドキの音がない。安定した。

this is taking too bloody long to type. not when I have an 8am lesson tomorrow.

but I didn't think much. I willed the bus uncle to drive faster. I ran out of the kent ridge hole of a terminal. you have no idea how many stairs I climbed. don't worry I wasn't stupid enough to climb to the library. I took the block admin lift.

but I didn't say anything when I got there. 勇気がない。その時何も言わない。

and now I'm sitting here. あの人は今オンラインだ。話したいだけど・・・what do I say?

why do I want to say something. I thought about it as I clambered upwards.

う ちはどうしたの? didn't I go back to some form of rationality? the dear girl who called me felt stupid. I felt stupid too. and I don't know what's wrong. sometimes I feel like telling someone about all this shit. maybe I should sit down and write everything out. that's what I told vicks before. I should do that myself for this too.

星々は瞬きを忘れて　そして世界は常闇へどこまでも深く深く沈む

星さん。遠い星さん。無理な星さん。うちは失敗な人。

I'm tired.

every year. every single year. sometimes I wonder if it can be helped. perhaps if all of us sat down and decided not to erupt somehow or say something snide, and considered our options together this can be avoided. but that's so utopian. now one is hiding in the toilet and the other is dead outside on the sofa.

but it seems to escalate with each year. as more obstacles come up, and more people begin to try other ways of doing what they like, it gets so messy. I don't know why I'm talking in this context-less manner. perhaps because there are just too many variables. just too many things that's happened over all these years that make this so difficult. is it really so difficult? we often ask if all these things are really so difficult, and it's posed as a rhetorical question, which means the answer is that it's not all that difficult.

but sometimes I think this tangly annual issue of my family's is difficult. there are too many variables to settle. there are too many things that cannot be ignored despite a want to ignore them. indeed it could be easy in a sense that we could simply ignore the world, forget about all these things, do it our way. but sometimes things aren't connected this easily. and some things cannot be disconnected as and when you want to. well of course you may, but you must be prepared for the repercussions and consequences of doing so. of course you may also decide to ignore all consequences and live with it, but then what's the point then? what was the point in the first place?

at the end of the day this post has gone round and round. every year I wish we could throw it all away, because it's meaningless. but then I don't know what it means to the two of them. perhaps it is the price to pay for putting two societal classes together.

I was talking to jiaxin about how perhaps the privileged class don't find their lives abnormal, since they've been living that way all their lives, and therefore will not admit themselves into a mental hospital. technically speaking, at least. I wonder if that goes the same way for all the mentally tortured children of the world. that perhaps those who are constantly tormented don't feel the hurt anymore. while it is those who are tormented only once in a long while who get shaken from their secure place and fall into the same pit.

I can't believe this. there's something about the 3217 tutorial that reminds me of 2220. it's just as bloody boring. and I can't believe I got swathi. AGAIN. help. somebody help. it's an amazing waste of time. seriously. so boreddddd. 

plus mr anomie IS in my TA. OMG. I was like ohmymabelhelpmesomebody. but he doesn't seem as disruptive as before. as in he continues to ask the teacher repeated questions and asks some redundant questions, but he isn't repeating the conversations one word slow, or extra loud, and he isn't laughing very obviously. maybe he got the idea after two semesters. maybe. but it is yet to be revealed. 

and it seems that the whole bunch of people that we don't recognise is due to a merge of those who took laj1 in the very first semester with us who took laj1 only in our second semester. which explains a lot more than "a whole bunch came in via placement test". but I am half lost in ta. I hope it's simply because I'm not used to the japanese tutorials starting all over again, plus kitai sensei can really talk. and can really talk fast. throw in an evil vocab quiz. and OMG she is anal over all the kanjiiiii. I miss suzuki sensei sometimes, you know. because she can't really be very bothered about how we write, considering that they don't really write exactly the way they're supposed to in the first place. but a good thing is that kitai sensei is rather sensitive to our horrible pronunciation, and I guess my intonation should improve this semester. that's quite a good thing to note. 

and I am tremendously bored with class. waileth.

I was hoping that aileen would be online, considering she has been online these days during work. oops. but she's not online. so bored. I think by now you must be bored of hearing me say I'm bored. but at least today I don't have to type with 8 fingers. yay. that was quite amusing actually. I think I amused my sister with that.

15 more minutes. my gosh. 15 more minutes to the end. oh after  talking to fiona and huiyi the time has shortened to 5 minutes. I can't believe I'm typing things like that. my goodness. 

OMG TUTORIAL DONE.

Dear Minasan in TC3 & TC4,

Konnichiwa!

I would like to ask you all once again if you could voluntarily change your TC time to TC2 (Thursday, 17:00-18:00). This is because we have 16 students in your TC classes and only 11 in TC2 right now. I would like to have a nice balance in terms of the number of each TC class, so that each of you will more or less have an equal opportunity to speak up and practice in class as TC class only lasts 45 minutes! I know this TC2 is rather late but those who are free during 17:00-18:00 on Thursdays and kind enough to take up this time slot instead, please inform me by email as soon as possible.

Douzo yoroshiku onegaishimasu.

Horie

this doesn't affect me because I technically can't make it on thursdays from 5-6pm. but you should see the namelist. no doubt, it's the namelist of 2 classes, but I'm wondering who's in mine. sometimes I get real impatient about this. (but at least I know mr anomie isn't in my tc. phew.) stupid. I found a way around it. HA. I like that namelist.

it's stinking 2am and I've just cleared my whole list of spree updates and printed my notes and transferred relevant files. thank goodness I did my laj homework early. now my next headache has arrived.

I haven't finished studying for my vocab test tomorrow. I've got one page down, but that means I still have another 1.3 pages to go. wah lao. wednesday I'm going to throw in all my library books for the last time (sobs) and spank myself to study lesson 27's vocab. otherwise I swear I'll stagger in on thursday morning at 8am not knowing one hiragana from another.

off to bed, you late woman. no lunch tomorrow. I hope I don't die of gastritis. I'm hoping for a few things to happen tomorrow though. I'm hoping that 1. I won't be late for 2209, 2. mr anomie won't appear in my TA, 3. I don't get swathi for 3217, 4. daddy picks up my parcel tomorrow and save me the trip on wednesday.

yawn. GO TO BED.

more like my finger hurts like hell. okay it isn't really that bad, but I've broken a whole lot of capillaries for sure. there's this patch of red broken capillaries at my fingertip. not to mention that I can't even use all my fingers to type. so it makes you wonder why I'm typing. plus I replied like 3 emails, added a comment on lj and replied 2 facebook posts. I signed into msn some more.

if you're wondering, it's because candice's dad came to give us a lift home from norman's birthday party and then when I was about to get into the car, candice slammed her front seat door on my finger. sucks right. sheesh I foresee immobility for the next 3-4 days at least. unless it gets much better tomorrow. which I highly doubt. I hope the numb feeling will go away though. come on, capillaries, mend!

and then my stuff came this afternoon but then my mummy wasn't free to answer the door and now I must journey to the post office to get my stuff. plus the post office closes so early. HURRMPH. oh well. this is why I don't like opting for mail. I'm not afraid of losing the parcel, because it's quite hard for that to happen, actually. it's more of that sometimes the door won't get answered and then it gets troublesome to collect stuff.

in more fangirl news, aka hidezou news, OMG he was a vocalist. somehow that cracked me up. but I found a track on imeem and HEY he's not bad. it kinda explains why he's in D? as in that style and that inclination. since hidezou has apparently something for the edo period, shinsengumi and samurai. my goodness. so romantic, he. the music includes quite a bit of japanesque elements, as expected from somebody who likes that era. so hidezou fangirl me goes to find more as'REAL stuff. unfortunately I've got my hands on just one single, because the full discography kindly put up by mikazuki_chan is on megaupload. and oh does my computer hate that server.

but somehow I just can't picture hidezou standing in the middle of the stage, clutching onto the mic like it's his life and wailing japanesque tunes that he wrote plus the emo angst ridden lyrics. I'm still cracking up. oh dear. I'm sorry hidezou.

still cracked up. I shall go to bed now. tired. and I can't type anymore with a lack of fingers. it's just weird and time consuming. although I'm beginning to get the hang of it and typing pretty fast now. whatever. I'm not going to live like this anyway.

someone transport me in a bucket please thanks.

tafel anatomie tour completed. and OMG IT IS MIND BLOWING. D must be the first indie band I have ever heard and loved so much, and the first indie band to LOOK this good and omg SOUND this good. or at least I like their style.

*blithers splithers incoherently for a moment*

aw man. I want a coat like asagi's. that man has STYLE. and tsunehito must stop jumping. I prefer tsunehito in action though. he looks terrible in pictures. mostly because he tries to stare the life out of the cameraman by opening his eyes complete with thick eyeliner and falsies so huge he looks more shocked than anything else most of the time. in action, his eyes close a little more and he'd smile and he'd look so much better.

but of course I love hidezou the most. =)

*blithers further*

OH AND THE DVD IS STEREO. as in this one really forced a balance that way. ruiza comes out of the right speaker and that's that, while hidezou comes out of only the left speaker. they don't mix at all. and woah the dvd's loud. it reminds me of the kagerou's rakushu enjo saishuu kouen concert, where the audience is barely audible, and it's as if they're playing the cd.

whatever. D rocks. literally. AHHH I want to watch the rest of the concert. but it's too late at night already and I really ought to be in bed by now. but I was just tempted to simply watch taiyou wo okuru hi. so that's what I watched. ruiza slipped at the front part of his solo and he had that "omg why did I arrange such a difficult solo" face but AW NEVER MIND we love you anyway.

SQUEE. I am rapidly turning into a rabid fangirl all over again. I haven't done this in ages. well now D's going major but whatever. maybe that means prettier costumes. I'm assuming that also means smoother arrangements and more experiments. which sounds good overall. oh and major also means better photoshoots. YAY! sometimes I dislike the indie band photoshoots because they're few, members are squeezed into one page (with the exception of the vocalist), and sometimes they aren't even in colour. which is sad. like come on, I want full page member pictures!

*tries to snap out of superficiality*

fails. shall go to sleep. and I like their emblem!

I designed a batch! you may be thinking I'm nuts after all. (and like who didn't know that? please inform me right now.)

I think the ohayou bloody gozaimasu one is quite nice. the lecturer one is a bad joke for all who take gek1520/pc1322. four hour break is something that I think a lot of us go through. like what the crap, right? I know of people with 6 hour breaks. I'm having 6 hour breaks every other week myself. yays!

I was rather bored after finishing my laj homework. yes I actually spanked myself and did my laj homework. next is to do my 3217 homework. I still haven't thought up clients. and it's due on tuesday. I think that's like the hardest part. starting. grah. but I shall do it tomorrow. I shall somehow spank myself into it. and if I finish doing that early I'll go read my storybooks. yay again.

in fangirl news, I love D to pieces. and I love hidezou to bits. I realised that hidezou reminds me a lot of aoi from gazette. because they're both just as cool looking running their fingers over their guitars and jangjangjang-ing tirelessly as 2nd guitarists BUT they're such dorks. such unbelievable goons. with stupid actions and cheeky faces and dumb gestures. plus that skirt that hidezou sports presently just reminds me of aoi and his penchant for swishy costumes. like HAR?! I feel like telling aoi, you look good in pants and terrible in ankle skirts so DO YOU MIND.

and I don't know how asagi does it. hiroki and hidezou are absolute clowns, ruiza is full of nonsense (but a slightly different sort of nonsense from the other two), tsunehito laughs at everything and has some priceless expressions, while asagi remains calm and collected with that "these children" face. he'll chuckle sometimes with that strange laugh but maintain that "aw this is why I love you children so much -- because you're fantastic entertainment" face.

but since we actually talked of gazette. I just watched their latest pv and oooh it's pretty. the song is a little eh?! because while the verse sounds gazette-ish, the chorus takes off with a silent 4th count leading into an oomph chorus complete with the strings pushing the entire piece along.

and that style, is so kagrra,.

but it's a nice song all in all. I'm so glad ruki doesn't have those awful gems pasted all over his face in the pv. I know there are people who like those gems stuck on his face, but personally I think they don't look particularly nice. it's just this glittery stuff all around his eyes like a masquerade mask but short of the fancy feathers. I like his suit too. and this pv has aoi with a double headed guitar (seems like switching from electric to accoustic seems to inconvenient, eh?) and poor kai is relegated to a basic 8 piece drumset. how did that happen.

ANYWAY. if you think of anymore ideas oh do tell me. I'll go design some more. when inspiration strikes, designing is really fast. as for the purpose of designing, I think it's pure catharsis. haha

1. heath ledger is dead. the world cries. he was even in lianhe wanbao.

2. I did my kanji coursepack homework. I have never, ever, written such ugly chinese characters in my entire life. I've studied mandarin for freaking 14 years and NEVER have I written such awful looking things before.

3. it's dangerous for mabel and I to go out together. we eat and spend money like nobody's business. plus we can't study together. I concluded we either need to be taitais to upkeep this lifestyle, or we need jinxiepoo to regulate us. I think jinxiepoo's presence is a more practical and closer ideal.

4. I'm going to see mabel everyday. monday for 3880, tuesday for ta, wednesday for laj lectures, thursday for tb, friday for tc. we die.

5. my wallet is going to explode. not from the cash inside, but from the immense number of receipts. somehow I think I should find a better way of storing my bank transfer receipts.

6. speaking of those receipts, I'm waiting for like 10 sprees' worth of stuff to come. OMG. I am nuts.

7. deming's online. suddenly. I guess this is what you call mieru. when the conversation window suddenly appears and blinks bright orange at the bottom of your screen. 

8. kaeru kaeru. too many frogs jumping in lecture today. nah, irene jinx mabel and I are the frogs, really. we make too many bad and cold jokes out of japanese.

9. I can't believe I settled for an 8am tutorial slot. that was something I told myself never to do. gwen, I've added another stunt when I said I wouldn't anymore. WAIL. I don't know why I do things like this. jiaxin we should seriously start that slogan tee shop. really. I'm having more inspirations. when I'm bored and irritated one fine day (or one fine night, really), I shall design them.

10. since it's number 10, I shall end here. this song's been playing in my head for days, despite the constant playing of taiyou wo okuru hi. then again, taiyou wo okuru hi is playing out of my physical mp3 player. this song is playing out of my own mental mp3 player. and I always play random chinese songs. gosh song lyrics are harder to find now.

愛 - 莫文蔚

你还记得吗
记忆的炎夏
散落在风中的已蒸发
喧哗的都已沙哑

没结果的花
未完成的牵挂
我们学会许多说法来
掩饰不碰的伤疤

因为我会想起你
我害怕面对自己
我的意志总被寂寞吞食
因为你总会提醒
过去总不会过去
有种真爱不是我的

假如我不曾爱你
我不会失去自己
想念的刺钉住我的位置
因为你总会提醒
尽管我得到世界
有些幸福不是我的

你还记得吗
记忆的炎夏
我终于没选择的分岔
最后又有谁到达

(love - karen mok

do you still remember
the hot summer of our memories
those floating in the wind have vapourised
those arguing have all lost their voices

the flowers that never bloomed
the unresolved worries
we learnt many excuses to
cover up the scars we don't touch

because I'll think of you
I'm afraid to face myself
my will is always overcome with loneliness
because you would always remind me that
the past won't ever pass
there is a sort of true love that isn't mine

if I didn't love you
I wouldn't have lost myself
these memories make me unable to move on
because you would always remind me that
even if I gain the entire world
there are some bits of happiness that aren't mine

do you still remember
the hot summer of our memories
the road I didn't choose in the end
who would reach it anyway)

sometimes I hate translating from chinese to english. one is too highly contextual, the other too crude and ugly.

11. how could I miss this out. yiwen's in the lecture. =) don't ask me why her presence makes me happy.

damn the stupid system. I haven't been this unlucky in a while. no I'm not going to rant on and on about how stupid the entire thing is and how it hates me and refuses to cooperate and how I'm hoping that there'll be some poor soul tomorrow morning who wants my slot badly. no point. I'm just annoyed and I'm proving it.

so annoyed.

in better news, the last piece has finally completed and NOW I can watch taiyou wo okuru hi in its .vob glory. I went to look for a live version of it and figured the only version is the tafel anatomie tour one. so off to youtube I went and omg that was a bad idea. somehow the quality really really sucks on youtube. I don't know if it's the type of video (because this happened when people compressed parts of the psc tour for youtube) or it's the video editing (moving too fast) or the stupid streamers and glitter and don't know what they came down from the ceiling, but it looks absolutely terrible there. but I didn't try veoh.

speaking of veoh, I went to watch keep the faith the other day. finally. people are going to faint, but yes I heard keep the faith for the first time a few days ago. *dodges the kat-tun fans* and I still think real face is better. I mean, with suga shikao teaming up with tak matsumoto, actually I'm wondering why real face is sung by kat-tun, or a johnny bunch for that matter.

swinging back to D, I'm waiting for tafel anatomie tour to complete now. it's been going on strong for a while now. due in less than a day. fantastic. then I can watch the proper quality version. tsk.

I really should start preparing my laj notes. in fact, I should start doing work proper. really. like do my kanji pages in the coursepack. prepare tomorrow's notes. do hyoujun mondaishu. GUHH.

damn TB. but I don't want 8am. as jinx says, it'll be ohayou bloody gozaimasu.

*writhes in agony*

not quite the right emotion to be felt, but yes, disturbing. I don't know how to put this either. there's too much explaining to be done. but I'm feeling weird. I hope the phone doesn't ring again, somehow. and I wonder if the mother knows. I wonder if the information is too much as well. no idea. I have an unsettling feeling. but I suppose I shouldn't hang on to it.

my japanese is waaaaay too tattered for translating D, despite so much help. the amount of grammar I know simply isn't enough. that sucks. but you know if I want to do my japanese studies minor as planned, I need to stop laj after this semester. plus I need 1 level 3000 module. that should have been alternative lifestyles, if you ask me. but then again sometimes I wonder if I really want to do the minor because I like learning the language (despite not doing astronomically well), and I know sometimes the js work gets hard to do due to lack of non-japanese resources.

sometimes I don't know anymore and I wait for the time to come and pass me by.

damn you tonberry. all I want is ONE MORE PIECE. that's all I need to complete my taiyou wo okuru hi pv. that's all. it's not even one percent. it's freaking one stinking piece. that's it. I'm so pissed. and that one piece is a paltry 4mb. ARGH. it's been stuck like that for a while. meanwhile my ratio's been improving. that's irritating. and if I'm annoyed enough by the fact that the l'anniversary disc 2 is not coming out, I might actually see if hmv carries it and freaking buy it if it's at a reasonable price.

I might, not I will, because it isn't that spectacular, really.

I should go to sleep, because it's a long day tomorrow. long long long day. I need to start on 3217 as well. shucks. and I should spank myself and do my laj homework, before it piles just before tutorial starts. and my silly cousin got kicked from lac1 to lac2, simply because he actually told the lecturer, "我会讲华语。"

I am amazed. so tomorrow he will attend lac2 and perish. (so he claims.)

I want to read questionable content. but it isn't monday yet. ARGH.

I am so addicted to taiyou wo okuru hi. I'm so addicted I'm determined to translate it with my online dictionary and my tattered japanese. because D just doesn't get translated. it barely gets romanised, and it doesn't get translated. I'm irritated.

roy asked that night what made us girls take japanese. our prompt reply was that we're fangirls.

but you know while the johnny fangirls unite and form an army large enough to take over the world and own johnny's, the jrock world remains silent (seemingly) in the school. it's days like this that I miss mizugin. I miss having someone to rant about how their new costumes look like, how their makeup has changed, what new heels they're sporting, what mad guitar solos they're playing, what nonsense the vocalist is singing, what poetic lines the lyricist came up with, what stupidity they show backstage, what they destroy onstage during concerts.

ARGH. there are days where I hate alice nine and jealkb to the core because they've increased the official jrock fandom by the hundreds but they produce nonsense un-rock music and it irritates me. even gackt and hyde rock better than that when they decide to.

yes I like old school jrock. so there. and I want somebody who likes them too so that I can scream and squeal about them to. somebody who knows who the heck I'm talking about and what I'm referring to. but noooo all I have is livejournal. I remember I had this superbly long lj entry on 3 concerts under 3 lj cuts just because I knew I wanted to let it out but there wasn't going to be anybody to let it out to and I didn't want to burden people's friends' pages and I just stashed them all under a cut.

hello, I'm a fangirl, remember?

I don't know why I'm ranting like this about something like this at like 1 something in the night, but I was just feeling so hooked on this D song and I'm waiting for the pv to finish downloading so I can watch it in .vob glory and I'm trying to learn to sing it and asagi blows my mind half away and actually D has really been blowing my mind pretty well lately and I'm so proud of them. and I'm so proud of kagrra,'s new album because they finally decided that their drums and guitars weren't taikos and shamisens. I mean, put those instruments into the song for all I care, but don't turn your music into whiny twangy japaneseque music thanks.

I need a jrock fan. wrong. I need a visual kei, preferably angura kei fan.

anata tachi wa doko kai? minna kieta? because I don't believe they don't exist.

on tuesday, I learnt that 2209 has half saved my life. because the lecturer speaks proper and normal english. the tutor, somewhat looks normal too. that spells fantastic for us all. I also learnt that I need to re-psycho myself when it comes to vicks and kayan. I must constantly chant to myself that vicks has straight hair and kayan has permed hair. I feel like an idiot.

on wednesday, we learnt that eugene can discard his masculinity for money. and of course, I also learnt that this semester is going to be a late dinner half gastritis semester. also, that jinx should never ever wear her 3" heels to school ever again. I suppose the only place she should wear them to is a wedding dinner, because then she can stash them under the table while eating.

on thursday, I learnt that my lecturer hasn't taught understanding the universe for a semester, and therefore grossly overestimated herself. thus we finished the lecture in 45 minutes flat. that also means that I took and hour and 15 minutes to get to school, cooking in a rickety non-airconditioned 151 in that extreme humidity for that paltry 45 minutes.

today, I learnt that somebody else also doesn't clear the handphone contact list of old project mates even after more than a year.

I've learnt so many things this week. all unrelated to school work, officially. but I went to be hardworking and dug out my nus freshmen guidebooks and matriculation documents blah blah and found the section on intellectual property. if I remember, I'll read it again when I'm feeling less headachy and the weather is kinder, and then maybe bring it along on monday and try to boost my participation points.

that's really dependent on how headachy I feel.

my head is a lousy variable but what the hell. and some idiot upstairs is drilling a hole in his floor. the drilling sound is killing me. I don't understand what is with people and renovations and furniture shifting. my own mother loves shifting furniture about herself. just that due to getting old, she doesn't shift stuff about so much anymore.

and the more I look at my layout header, the more I feel it resembles nore's handphone pouch. HA. but that is not important. it's time to crank up my thinking machine, time to kick myself awake and say hello to school once more. my first deadline's in week 3, and japanese tutorials may take the life out of me. by the way, the font size in minna no nihongo has shrunk. it's back to mad deadlines, idiotic projects, heaps of japanese homework and tests, and

my M.A. in procrastination suddenly looms.

oops. I shall spank myself into doing work. that means using the damned main textbook (I didn't know it had a use beyond memorising TC conversations until halfway through last semester), doing my readings (I supposedly have only 2 coursepacks), and trying to start work earlier (that means about a week ahead of deadlines).

gosh.

I shan't call the entry school, because in essence, it's going to be another hell semester. 3217 is going to make me puke more blood than I thought. laj notes look worse with each semester. that damned lt 32. oh and the 1322 lecturer talks in circles. nice round ones. she'll say A happens because of B. next thing, she'll say because of B, A happens. my goodness. and the redundant sentences go on and on. she said she liked to have 2 lectures per week so that she doesn't have to rush through the slides. I think if she talked faster and cut her speech by half she'd finish, really. 3880a is held in a freezer compartment of the school. I swear that's the real cold storage. mabel and I were like ice cubes after class. plus elizabeth has a phd in rambling.

please 2209. do something about this semester. and horie is supposed to be nice, apparently.

guh whatever. my stomach's a little unsettled because I ate so late. but oh well what to do. I'm still wondering if I should get a laptop. with 3217 looking like this, and my timetable looking like...that, maybe I should. then I can do my work in a more mobile fashion. because the nm lab is nearly impossible to get into. and no it's tiring to go all the way to yih all the time. and it's only a few selected terminals with those programs anyway. ARGH.

and I must stop, freaking stop buying things online.

that was such a...singlish line. that came out of silver ash's 白色的梦, and my sides were going to split. I was thinking hey ling is singing in english, isn't he. then I listened to the chorus again and again and figured it was 'why you leave me alone in my dream'. not that I blame him, because it would have been '为什么你留我一个人在我梦里' or something along those lines. but it made me snort on the bus.

I wanted to write something else, but I've forgotten. I'm sleepy from kicking myself out of bed earlier today, and I should really go and sleep. my sleeping pattern is knocked completely upside down this holiday, and I need to kick it back. or at least kick it into some proper shape. no more 2am-11am nights. that's not even night man.

tutorial planning seems to be coming along pretty well. I have 2 backup plans. I foresee I will lose some sort of weight this semester, because I will be running like some madwoman through the campus, and with little or sometimes no time to eat between lessons. if all goes well, I will face laj entirely with jinxiepoo, have 2 tutorials with nore, potential tc with jinx, nore AND irene (and nore says we will drive the poor sensei nuts), understand the universe with yanqing, as well as do some social psycho with deming. I should ask fuzzy which 3217 she's taking. then I will actually have a friend in every single damn tutorial. oh my goodness.

go sleep. have to wake up at 9 tomorrow. or sometime around there, because the lousy physics department makes people ballot for tutorials first. sheesh. actually not really all that lousy, because that frees up slots in my tutorial prioritisation. stupid nus, why do they make things this complicated.

sleep.

and I thought I ate enough at lunch. in fact I thought I ate so much at lunch that I might not really need dinner till after practice. but I'm actually hungry now. wail. I hope I get the module. it's been taking its toll on me. I never realised bidding was this annoyingly burdensome. I need to ensure my modules before planning my tutorials, you see. which is why for every day that the modules are not settled, my tutorials can't either.

looking at the laj list, I realised I only know 12/42 people. which is like omg because I've gone through 2 levels of japanese, known a ton of people, and at level 3, I only know a quarter of the class? and I'm curious. where's irene? nore was saying that irene's started on the first two weeks' kanji stuff, but I suddenly realise that her name's not on the list. the rest of us are though. I'm assuming merissa's the merissa yanqing and I know. there isn't another one at our level, right? and it seems that our dearest chin kai and jia voon aren't part of the laj party this coming semester.

somehow 2209 looks set for a good module. somehow. the scope and topic of readings look good. I think. haha but I'm pissed that I have 2 textbooks for 3217, which I thought was the design module. hurrmph. but if they're good and necessary, then I suppose I shall purchase them. I think I have my priorities messed up. I've spent so much on clothes and accessories but I'm so freaking stingy with my textbooks. HAHA. terrible. and I swear the amount I've just paid the other day can pay for 2 textbooks.

yays mummy says we'll have dinner out and I'll be sent to church after that. dinnerrr. the water pump has conked out at my place, so all our water is trickling out of the taps. although I think it might be better now. at least it was getting better before going out for lunch. and sister says toilet bowl can flush. not too bad. but I don't want to bathe with trickling water. we will take forever. it'll be faster to take 2 buckets of water like that.

GUH HUNGRY. I want to pari pari something. chomp chomp, munch munch, gobble gobble, GULP. and it is going to rain again. my goodness. but this morning was as hot as yesterday. I got so burnt from cycling with crystal. I was screaming that nobody cycles at around noon time because it's freaking hot, but she insisted that the weather should be pretty good then. thanks ah, for helping me get some upper arm and thigh tan. and then we went out with meida, and I'm really really really swearing off alcohol. previously I didn't fancy the smell and kept off it out of choice on my part. but that was awful. absolutely. ugh.

randomly, I want a new large pouch for all my stuff. then I'll change my wallet and handphone pouch after that. otherwise everything is going to stink. it's all my present handphone pouch's fault, really. I have a good mind to remove the black cover. okay that was really random.

olivia's growing on me. a lot. my mp3 player loves her. and aikawa nanase. but we already knew that aikawa rocks. heh.

EDIT: acks nore just told me that the non-arts people bid TODAY. which means they're coming back! oh no! yanqing our bell curveeeeee....*starts contemplating purchasing a potent paint marker*

and I got understanding the universe! yossha!

indeed. farewell uruha, and farewell ruiza. this one has such a tragic touch to it I feel like crying. yes now it's all grey and dreary looking, but at least it's not gothic and bloody looking. ruiza was threatening to turn my layout into that. beyond that, I fixed most of the colours and now it's looking pretty. that may not be the best looking picture of hidezou, I must admit, but it's just the right sort of pose for this sort of picture. that turn of the head, that slightly regretful glance, perfect. squee I like hidezou. he's not pretty, but he's just got that air about him that I love so much.

okay before I turn into a pile of fangirl mush. I didn't get understanding the universe. fantastic right. and now jiaxin reminds me that there's a bunch waiting to bid for the module as a breadth. which explains why they're holding back 90 places. I was still wondering who that quota was for. oh crass.

but I don't want to bitch about cors either. in fact, I'm here only to say that my layout changed.

and an extra note, that it's been one year. I didn't realise, until I saw the nick. everybody loves you when you're six foot in the ground huh. poor kid.

I must sleep. supposed to go cycling tomorrow morning with crystal. which means must wake up. OH please don't don't rain tomorrow. I want to go out and cycle.

finally, decided to join the keizai gakusei. and had the most decent barbeque I have ever had. well when you've gone through bbqs that have taken 2 hours to start the fire, burnt half the food, and left the other half raw, forgotten the butter, forgotten the honey, overcooked crabsticks, blistered hotdogs, you get the picture. last night's bbq was a fantastic success, in my opinion. everything got started properly, food was available fast, and it was cooked. yes some parts were burnt (like what did you expect, jamie oliver standard?), and I ate anyway (I don't know what was so difficult about eating a little more carbon than usual). to hell with carcinogens, because actually more or less everything we eat is either going to cause heart failure, cancer or something that's going to make us die faster. in fact maybe we should die faster, because the population replacement rate will reduce with every person who's still alive past the average age.

it wasn't supposed to get this morbid.

but to cut long stories short, bbq where I got to eat food, I didn't have to help with anything, mahjong is a damn hard game (I understand the concept, but if you ask me to play, I'll probably throw out all the tiles you want), the 9pm show is getting crazier, and yanye is terrified of cats. but the kitty was rather cute. just hungry. OH and kevin is a jukebox. plus I'm still not used to people taller than me. weekiong is disturbingly taller. and jiajing's girlfriend (yiling, is it?) is rather cute. jinxiepoo, is she local? oh and jinxiepoo is terrified of lizards.

I realised it's been a long time since I watched the prisoner. it must have been almost a week already. but no, I'm watching luna sea instead. and I agree with my sis, inoran in the concert looks like an old version of hyde. my goodness. but he still looketh cute. heee. I like inoran.

I actually need to sleep, but yet I feel like doing hidezou up. so how? just do hidezou for a while, I suppose. it won't harm.

checked my expenses for my net purchases. the number is OOH. but I'm surprised I'm actually still spending within my allowance for last sem. amazing. I must be oddly eating less, or eating less expensively. the days of claypot, prawn mee and yong tau foo are paying off, eh? haha. stop eating so much jap food. but then now that I drink dragonfruit juice instead of watermelon juice...oh whatever. as long as I'm not going way above budget it should be alright. besides, cny money covers the amount. teehee.

went allllll the way diagonally across the island JUST to play badminton this morning. seriously, diagonally. and I was so sleepy too. haven't played in ages. I seriously believe the last time I played badminton somewhat properly was probably when I used to go to joyce's place and we'd play at the hdb void deck in t-shirts, shorts and slippers. in fact, joyce would go barefoot, and we'd serve the shuttlecock straight into the ceiling. it didn't help that both of us are tall and the shuttlecock gets lobbed kind of high. oh and that was in primary school. my goodness. it doesn't help that I need to change my glasses as well. but after a while I stopped missing the ball so badly. which means I still missed it, right? haha. but at least after a while I got used to the distance I had to adjust myself to so as to whack it across the court. then after a while they decided to play doubles for real, and I was so confused as to which side I was supposed to stand on.

my jrock radar told me that somebody has jrocker proportions. but I will perish for that statement.

and we had spa. it was difficult to explain to poor structure-oriented jacob what informal simple gathering of talking voices meant. not that we were aiming for complete chaos, but structures can be flexible and rigid. just that jacob tends to go for the rigid ones, and we were trying to explain the flexible type. then aileen and I spent so much time talking over dinner, I alighted at my place and was like ooh half past ten.

I can't believe this. 'ooh' is in the firefox dictionary. haha randomly I was telling gwen via facebook that 'shitty' is inside the firefox dictionary too. and ironically, firefox isn't. Firefox is, though. the capital F makes the difference man. like whatever, right?

sister said that uruha has been sitting on my blog for a long long time. I totally agree. I actually made a ruiza layout (because that leather corset was just irresistable) to replace uruha, but I've been so unhappy with it. as in I keep making changes and keep redoing parts of it, and actually I still don't want to use it. instead a new hidezou picture arrived, and I have a complete idea of what I want to do with it. so ruiza shall hit the bin, and I will replace uruha in due course. sorry uru, you're pretty but I'm really sick of seeing you up there.

oh but HIDEZOU. acks actually he reminds me of good old kaoru. but whatever, right?

and now I must do the card for samuel. gosh still last minute! AILEEN!

I don't know. but it's too late anyhow. I hope it was right. I hope it's going to be alright.

君の痛みが分からないだけど、頑張ってね。

for some reason I keep thinking of bold and delicious. but this came to mind after that.

愛してない、愛してるよ。難しいな、この命。

but it really doesn't have to be.

I am being cryptic tonight.

EDIT: decided to peek at the luna sea revival concert. it comes in 4 files, and I just picked the one that's most complete. and OH MY GOSH. providence. blew me awaaaaaaaaaayyyyyy.

I'm bored. I took a personality test, because it seemed like a good one. and an easy one at that. the results are scary. I read the wiki page on this personality type and it's scarier. and the only reason why personality quizzes should be anything scary, is when the results are true.

here we go.

you chose BZ - your Enneagram type is FIVE (aka "The Thinker").

"I need to understand the world"

Observers have a need for knowledge and are introverted, curious, analytical, and insightful.

How to Get Along with Me

• Be independent, not clingy.
• Speak in a straightforward and brief manner.
• I need time alone to process my feelings and thoughts.
• Remember that If I seem aloof, distant, or arrogant, it may be that I am feeling uncomfortable.
• Make me feel welcome, but not too intensely, or I might doubt your sincerity.
• If I become irritated when I have to repeat things, it may be because it was such an effort to get my thoughts out in the first place.
• don't come on like a bulldozer.
• Help me to avoid my pet peeves: big parties, other people's loud music, overdone emotions, and intrusions on my privacy.

What I Like About Being a FIVE

• standing back and viewing life objectively
• coming to a thorough understanding; perceiving causes and effects
• my sense of integrity: doing what I think is right and not being influenced by social pressure
• not being caught up in material possessions and status
• being calm in a crisis

What's Hard About Being a FIVE

• being slow to put my knowledge and insights out in the world
• feeling bad when I act defensive or like a know-it-all
• being pressured to be with people when I don't want to be
• watching others with better social skills, but less intelligence or technical skill, do better professionally

FIVEs as Children Often

• spend a lot of time alone reading, making collections, and so on
• have a few special friends rather than many
• are very bright and curious and do well in school
• have independent minds and often question their parents and teachers
• watch events from a detached point of view, gathering information
• assume a poker face in order not to look afraid
• are sensitive; avoid interpersonal conflict
• feel intruded upon and controlled and/or ignored and neglected

FIVEs as Parents

• are often kind, perceptive, and devoted
• are sometimes authoritarian and demanding
• may expect more intellectual achievement than is developmentally appropriate
• may be intolerant of their children expressing strong emotions

Renee Baron & Elizabeth Wagele

The Enneagram Made Easy
Discover the 9 Types of People
Harper SanFrancisco, 1994, 161 pages

okay I don't know how true the parenting part is going to be. oh the quiz is here, and the wiki page is this way. and of course there are some questionable points, like being calm in a crisis (as far as I know, I have pretty strong adrenaline), doing well in school (not that I suck at school, but not my definition of doing well), curious and question parents and teachers (I don't ask. I'm not interested.). there's something in the wiki page that talks about fives being people who went through traumatic or unhappy childhoods. I had a weird one, but I wouldn't call it traumatic nor unhappy. but there are sections that attracted my attention as well:

Believing they are only worth what they contribute, Fives have learned to withdraw, to watch with keen eyes and speak only when they can shake the world with their observations. Sometimes they do just that. Other times they withdraw from the world, becoming reclusive hermits and fending off social contact with abrasive cynicism.

HAHAHA. I don't know if I've shaken any world with my observations, but hey that was a good paragraph. here's another one that shook my world, if not yours:

They are emotionally sensitive and easily overwhelmed, yet at the same time driven to explore their emotional landscapes, often by deliberately entering dark, esoteric, or disturbing arenas of thoughts.
.
.
.
Their emotions, at the same time, agitate, stoke, and unsettle their ideas, imbuing them with a dreamlike, sometimes nightmarish quality.

right.

and thanks to jinghui, I checked ivle and I am going to die. I managed to get nm3219, so it seems. and £($&£%, it's lectured by CYNTHIA OWENS, co lectured by gene (how nice) and the instructor is listed as FRAN NATHAN.

HELP.

in fact I haven't a clue how to respond anymore. mabel is going to curse, I tell you. she will curse the shit out of the department. jinghui tells me to bomb the department. but it isn't the entire department that has incurred my wrath. it is those two women. those two women whom I, along with a bunch of others, have suffered severely under. it's true that the final grade wasn't disastrous, but pushing the practicalities aside, these two may cause fatal damage to my brain. they will cause trauma. unless they improved overnight.

argh. and if I do get 3217 and it's them too, I will scream. but the chances are slim, considering the fact that they both suck at graphics and design. and that's good. but that's not the one that's preallocated. but it's also because 3219 is preallocated, that I'm not stuck between giving it up and taking it. since it's already there I'll just leave it, I suppose. argh, but when I don't have a backup plan this sem at all, I'm left with practically no choice.

I suddenly realised I've spent so much talking about my lousy personality and my lousy department. I was supposed to talk about the new year. okay I've spent today bumming. last night then. with the hitogomi at city hall, and the keizai gakusei. somehow now keizai gakusei sounds like a good yakuza gang name. AHAHA.

the keizai gakusei. hahaha the more I think about it the funnier it seems. anyway ate at marina square with all the hitogomi squishing along, and we landed up outside, because there were so many of us. and then after that we went to the arcade because there was practically nowhere else to go. and we made a monster out of eugene. a car racing monster, high on winning. after that we needed panadol to get rid of our dizziness when this punk came along and raced weekiong. kevin and I concluded that the boy was one of those who skips school in the afternoon and hops to the arcade with his girlfriend every other day to play this game. I was so carsick after that. and that sort of circumstance reminded me of secondary school days when we watched the boys play. and the same old games are still there. but of course the funniest is when carissa and I pay the arcade a visit and we scream half the place down.

it's time to sleep. it's time to say goodbye. okay that wasn't how it should run.

sleep.